Amazing relationship except the sex part

[Sasha4444]

Hello again,

I am a 25 year old female, my boyfriend is 38. We have been together 9 months and we live together, he has 3 daughters, one of them we don't see often the other two come on weekends. I work full time and so does he. In the beginning he couldn't get enough of me, telling me I'm beautiful and wonderful and everything. Now he tells me he loves me and treats me well but I tell him he's handsome and how much I care for him at least once a day, he barely ever tells me anymore. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to maybe once a month if I am lucky. I've bought lingerie, tried all sorts of different things to get him interested again, I even asked him what his biggest turn on is, he replied with an "I don't know I don't have time to think about this right now". I'm just lost, did I do something wrong?

He tells me he loves me every day and every other part of our relationship is great, we barely argue and when we do we talk it out. I honestly feel like I've failed or I'm just not attractive anymore, I hide it well in front of him because I don't want him to feel like he has to have sex with me, I don't want it to be an obligation to shut me up, I would feel like he's doing it out of pity and that won't make me feel sexy. I feel unattractive and unwanted physically. I don't know what to do anymore, it's literally tearing me apart. I'm at the point where I just masterbate when I get a chance and I'm ready to just give up on trying to get him interested. It's been 4-6 months and we have maybe had sex 4 times...

 

Advice?

[reinventmyself]

9 month investment isn't much. I'd say it's time to go.

Why did you move in with someone you hardly knew with 3 children no less!

Let this be a lesson to you to not rush into things so quickly with someone.

 

Frequent sex during the honeymoon stage is typical. It's after 6 mo's to a year before you just begin to see the real person.

What you have now is likely who he is. Had you waiting a year or more before you moved in you would have had the opportunity to see this.

[j.man]

Why living together within just 9 months? How much time have you been living together? Y'all rushed and it sounds like you went from dating to honeymoon to stale quasi-marriage all within a year.

 

Hard to say whether it's a reflection of this relationship in particular or if his late 30s sex drive is just this limited outside the honeymoon phase. If you've voiced your concern about it nothing's changing, that's pretty much that. Either you settle for sex once a month or find another guy. Not saying once a month is normal for any guy at any age, but it'd be less risky to date closer to your age than guys entering their 40s.

[Sasha4444]

Most men my age are idiots and I have trouble connecting with really anyone my age. He really pushed for me to move in, I told him I could stay in my own apartment (we lived in the same building) but he kept saying it made more sense financially to live together. That's what I don't get, he pushed so hard to be with me and for me to move in, now I'm afraid he's regretting it or something? I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years prior to this relationship, I don't know if I'm just paranoid or what...

[Clio]

You are making this about something being wrong with you when there is something wrong with HIM. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. You need to speak up. You are too young to put up with "maybe once a month if I am lucky". You need to clear up what is wrong. If he has a medical problem then he needs to address it. If this is how he is once a relationship settles down, then you have mismatched sex drives and you have to think about breaking up. Some people's sex drive drops dramatically once the relationship honeymoon period is over. Either way, you need to communicate what is troubling you. If he dismisses you with "I don't have time to think about this right now" and makes you feel bad, then you need to reevaluate him as a suitable partner instead of blaming yourself.

 

P.S. So he pushed you to move in. At his age AND with three kids he should know better. He sounds like an immature 38 year old; A 25 year old housemaid is probably a dream come true. Guys your age may be immature but there as plenty of older guys that are just as immature and in addition, they may try to use your inexperience to take advantage of you. Age alone does not make someone a better partner.

[j.man]

Most men my age are idiots and I have trouble connecting with really anyone my age.

Are they? Is pushing for someone to move in with you six months into knowing them and when they've got children considered smart?

 

You're not going to find some fabled maturity gap between 25 year olds and 38 year olds. The latter are simply more likely to own property.

 

In any case, you made an identical thread back in January. Things haven't resolved. Time to put the big girl pants on and make a decision. No sex or new guy. Or if you're concerned your previous abuse is impairing your judgment in any way, it may be best to take a break from men altogether and work on therapy.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately it sounds like he got comfortable and complacent as soon as you moved in. When you lived apart it was probably more exciting, like dating.

 

Too much, too soon, too fast and no sex are a lot of red flags.

We have been together 9 months and we live together. We went from having sex 4-5 times a week to maybe once a month if I am lucky. I feel unattractive and unwanted physically. It's been 4-6 months and we have maybe had sex 4 times.

[itsallgrand]

It honestly sounds like this was just easy for both of you , requiring neither of you to stretch out at all to meet or keep a compatible partner.

[MrSweetHarmony]

From what I read, he's very immature, he should be caring for you and not neglecting you sexually.

[janut1]

I agree with everyone here. Moving in quickly is a big mistake. So he was pushing for it, you could of said NO and just told him you wanted to date to get to know him better. There is no reason to rush anything and to say he pushed you, well you need to take responsibility for allowing him to do so. You have free will to make you own choices. If you were in a abusive relationship before this one and didn't get some type of therapy, please do it now. You will only find yourself in the same situations over and over again until you figure out why you choose the men you choose.

 

Second, you are 25, you have so much life ahead of you. Do you really want to stay with a 38 year old guy who doesn't even want to have sex once a week? There are many choices out there for you and he is not the one. At 25 that would of been cause for me to leave a guy I was dating because that would mean we are not sexually compatible and YES that is a big deal. You will only find yourself frustrated and blaming your self for EVER. Do YOU want that??

 

If he is not willing to try, please go find an apartment and move. Tell him its not working for you and that you need more in your relationship, end of story.

 

Then GO and live your life!

[Abby01]

Maybe he has so many things going on and sex is not in his list. Your young and should be dating, and enjoy being 25! You should get out

[Live-N-Learn]

I was in a very abusive relationship for 5 years prior to this relationship

 

Sounds to me like you may need to take a look at yourself. Why are you afraid to say anything to him? You are settling for less than you deserve. This could be a self worth/ self esteem issue. I personally would never settle or stay in a relationship where my needs were not also being met. I for sure would not keep silent and cause myself this type of misery internally that you are allowing. From your remarks above, it sounds like your a repeating old patterns.

 

If any of this rings true, you may want to take a break from relationships and work on your own stuff and get emotionally healthy. Then you will not settle and will attract better partners.

 

Best of Luck,

LNL