DrkHrt Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 Just a little update- most of you will have become familiar with my situation by now. It's now March and my ex decided he was done in Jan. However, we are both supposed to be meeting at some point to close our joint account and return some valuable belongings. And whilst some people have suggested I remove myself from the account and return his things without him, I would prefer to do it together as this will give me (and him) true closure. I need to look him in the eye and close that door behind me. However, he has not returned a single text and has maintained that we can meet up for closure 'when there's a chance'. This has been the same thing he has said for nearly two months and I've tried to respect his need for space and time to digest everything, but I know he is stalling things on purpose and it's taking its toll on me. I know that if I do remove myself from the account and send his things back, it will effectively look like I'm the one who decided to be immature and 'walk away', and I will regret it. I did not want this breakup but I have tried really hard to respect his need to move on. I feel caught between a rock and a hard place. I want the closure and for him to tell me from his lips that he is truly done. It's quite different when someone says this in a text as opposed to saying it to your face. And I need this closure. I have asked him repeatedly when he is free to do all of this but he is no longer returning any of my texts, and I know he WILL eventually contact me so it feels like a waiting game. I cannot keep texting him because I'm now looking like the 'crazy ex', but I don't know what else to do. Playing the waiting game, knowing how my ex is, could literally be anything from a couple of weeks to a couple of months. And it's already been nearly two months. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to end up looking and feeling like a bad person. It's really hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arjumand Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I can't think of a more forceful way of making it clear that he doesn't want a relationship with you than cutting off contact, which he has done. That is your closure -- he is clearly finished. You have decided to drag this out by deciding that you need to see him, knowing he doesn't want to see you. Obviously, you are hoping he will see you and change his mind. But that is not going to happen. First, because he won't see you. And second because when he was seeing you regularly he still wanted to break up. You are keeping yourself in an unhealthy place and making yourself miserable. Taking yourself off the account and returning his things is NOT immature -- that is a label you have given it so you don't have to do it. It is actually self preserving, accepting, and healthiest to help you move on. Please don't keep expecting him to help you through this. He has made it clear that he is done. Help yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milly007 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 I couldn't agree more with Arjumand's post. Removing your name from the account and returning his things means that you're taking control of the situation so you can move on with your life. It isn't immature by any means. He isn't making any effort to do anything about the account or his things, so why do you continue to torture yourself? You don't need any further closure at this point from him. Take control of the situation by dealing with the account on your own and returning his things so you can move on with your life in peace. This will be all the closure you need. It just sounds like you're making up reasons to hold onto this guy, and that you're hoping that if you meet in person for this "closure", he'll want to reconcile. Honestly, it does sound like you're in denial. Until you let go of this account and his things, you will continue to torture yourself, when really you should be letting go, like him, and moving on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 First two responses nailed it. Get him his stuff, close the account, move on. He loves having you dangle there on a string. Take away that power he has over you. You have your closure..it's over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kbbcoop77 Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You've posted the same thing over and over about some joint account you never put money into and his "stuff"...are you going to take any advice you've been given or just keep posting? What answer are you waiting for? He's DONE. Get some self respect and quit belittling yourself by hanging onto his ankle. Why would u want to be with someone who treats you like this..? Closure is a myth, it's all in your head. Go look up Susan Elliot on YouTube and see her videos on no contact and the closure myth. Breakups are hard but you have to do the personal work to get over them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doc Blaze Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 "I would prefer to do it together as this will give me (and him) true closure. I need to look him in the eye and close that door behind me." False this is all about you. You know what you need to do, you just refuse to do it. The mature thing to do is what you think is immature. take action and start your healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PatPatPat Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 You've posted the same thing over and over about some joint account you never put money into and his "stuff"...are you going to take any advice you've been given or just keep posting? What answer are you waiting for? He's DONE. Get some self respect and quit belittling yourself by hanging onto his ankle. Why would u want to be with someone who treats you like this..? Closure is a myth, it's all in your head. Go look up Susan Elliot on YouTube and see her videos on no contact and the closure myth. Breakups are hard but you have to do the personal work to get over them This is true. As much as we, as dumpees, want to get closure, in the end it's just something that we ourselves have to reach. On our own. You can try and talk to your ex but if it's been this long and he's showing no interest it's pretty obvious he's long checked out of the relationship. You're just going to go back to square one if you do meet and look for closure. You won't have closure sadly, it's just going to make your wound worse. For your own sake, happiness and self love, you should know when it's time to let go for good. We will be here to support you. But I think it's time to really let go and take this as your closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 5, 2017 Share Posted March 5, 2017 This isn't an "update". It's more of the same. You have posted three times saying the same thing. Will you keep posting until someone says "YES! You MUST meet for 'closure'. Keep contacting him until he agrees to meet. If you move on without getting 'closure' you'll be immature!"? Because no one thinks that. BUT, you can insist on holding on if you want. Of course, no one recommends that, but if you think getting him to see you one more time will get him to change his mind, no one here can convince you otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 I've gone back and done some reading to catch up on your situation. Nothing new to say as I agree with what everyone else has posted. There really is no more "closure" out there for you to get. This stuff is so, so painful, I know, but what is done is done. I think that any more contact, any additional attempts at closure, will leave you feeling unfulfilled and disappointed. This WILL get better with time, as long as you allow yourself the distance you need to really begin healing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrkHrt Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 KMO7970 as you may know from reading the whole story (assuming you read from beginning to present, I know I've posted a lot!) - since I wrote this particular thread there have been significant changes. I have made steps towards removing myself from denial and seeing things for how they really are. I've begun using techniques such as writing as healthy ways to off-loading my feelings, where before I would've off-loaded by texting him. Which I have stopped doing now. I am aware my ENA thread journey has been somewhat up/down and perhaps a little confusing, but there is a gradual progression towards acceptance there. The threads I am posting now are a million miles away from the things I was posting months ago. It is hard of course- I have days where I think I'm doing alright then boom- I'm hit with emotions and flashbacks and I'm down in the dumps again. But I now accept that it's perfectly okay/normal for this to happen. Now, instead of feeling frustrated that I didn't have an entirely 'good day', I try to remember at least one small step that I made that day. And each day, I feel a tiny bit better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KMO7970 Posted March 9, 2017 Share Posted March 9, 2017 This is great! Those days will happen. I'm now going through a painful breakup myself, and while I feel I am healing much more quickly than I have in the past, the ups and downs are still there. Granted, it hasn't even been a week yet, but still. Trying to remain optimistic, you know? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DrkHrt Posted March 9, 2017 Author Share Posted March 9, 2017 Totally. I am finding that taking one nice thing out of each day helps. A 'perfect' day isn't realistic for us folk right now. Even if I go in a shop and the assistant is nice to me, that perks me up and makes me not lose all faith in humankind Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KantSleep Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 I get the confusion part. When you experience a break up, emotions can run high - and clarity can run low. Be good to yourself, and try to continue to heal and forget about this man. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mike7788 Posted March 10, 2017 Share Posted March 10, 2017 Yes, and coming to this website for support is great. But, Heed the advice, Drk. There is no closure that will make you feel better. You want to look him in the face hoping he will tell you something different or to change his mind. Be honest with yourself. Just go close the account yourself and do your best to move on. We will be here for you when the days get rough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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