Smooth cracks from anxiety/depression with boyfriend?

[HeartOut89]

Hi all,

 

Looking for some advice on how to proceed with my relationship with my boyfriend. We have been together for nearly two years and I love him with all of my heart. But lately things have been difficult, and I feel like I'm going to lose him unless I can change things - if it's not already too late apologies as this will be a long message!

 

At the moment, I'm really struggling with depression and anxiety - these have always been present in my life, but lately they are beyond my control and impacting on the person that I am and the way I'm behaving. The thing is, whenever I try to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling, he tends to get angry and shuts me down. I know that I'm a really annoying person to put up with atm, but I feel like I need him to listen to me, to understand where I'm coming from without getting angry, and I don't know if/how I can do that. Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had with regards to depression, and I told him (over messenger) how I was struggling and that I hadn't been able to shake the feeling of wanting to die/end my life, and he shut down the conversation saying he refused to be a part of my self-loathing and didn't want to talk to me. I can see where he's coming from but it hurt; he was the one person I wanted to turn to, to feel support from, and he shut me down.

 

We are long-distance atm, and one of the things that really stresses me out is his frinedships with other women. My boyfriend has a lot of female friends, and on the most part I'm very accepting, but there is one female friend that he met after he met me, about a year into our relationship, and they are extremely close, speak most days, they both stay up late chatting when I can't do that due to my work hours, and she likes almost every picture he is tagged in or uploads, apart from any with me. It makes me incredibly anxious when I see this, to the point where I am physically ill, but whenever I mention it to my boyfriend he gets angry with me and says I should be able to rise above her interest in him. He sees it as me trying to control him I think, as if I am indirectly trying to tell him to stop speaking to her, which isn't the case at all, that's not something I'd ever want to do, but I feel like she is better for him in every way (more in common, better looking, smarter, funnier) and I worry that he would rather be with her and things (difficult to articulate). I should add that my boyfriend has said he no longer has the capacity to love, and therefore doesn't love me, but I worry that it's just me that he's incapable of loving, that he will fall in love with someone else (like this girl) or that he already loves someone else (his first ex) - he did love both of his exes but says that something changed in him a few years ago and he's no longer capable of it. Thing is he does still speak to his first ex quite regularly, she is another one who often likes photos of him and things, and I somehow just have this feeling that he's waiting for the right time to get back with her - she lives in London now, and there's a good chance that his next job will take him down there, and I know I'd drive myself mad with anxiety if we didn't talk about their relationship when he does.

 

I just don't know what to do. I don't know how on earth to talk to him about all of these worries, or even if I should. I don't know how much of it is my anxiety talking and how much of it is rooted in reasonable concerns. I have thought about writing him a letter with these things in, but I'm not sure it it's a good idea or not. I feel like I just need some reassurance, to know that he is happy being with me (if he is) or an honest conversation about his feelings - I love him more than I've ever loved another person, and so I love him enough to let him go if that's what's going to make him happiest. I fear that he stays with me BECAUSE of my depression and anxiety, because he's frightened about what I'll do, and I don't want that. I want him to understand that all these worries I'm having come from a place of love, but equally I'm frightened that if I write the letter I'll be pushing him further away rather than bringing us closer together. I accidentally discovered his "wank bank" when I was using his laptop to do some work, and he basically saves pictures of his female friends to use to pleasure himself, and his ex and this female friend feature in there pretty prominently which has made me feel more concerned. I don't want to tell him about this last bit though as this is obviously something very personal to him and I didn't mean to find it, and am aware that I've accidentally invaded his privacy by doing so.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated - I love this man with every ounce of my being, and want to do anything I can to make things work and for us to both be happy - preferably together, but I love him enough to want his happiness above anything else, regardless of what that means for us. If you've read this far, thank you so much, and I really hope that you can offer some guidance.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't continue this relationship, OP.

 

It sounds unhealthy on a number of different levels. You say you love him, but what does he do for you, exactly? It appears as though the love is quite one-sided.

 

I think your best bet would be to end it and focus on getting healthy on your own. Your boyfriend can't help you in the way you need; in fact, this relationship is worsening your struggles.