My girlfriend is shutting me out and I don't know why

[Anon3487]

I've been with her for 9 months and we've been through so much together. We traveled together to another country, we've fought, resolved and loved each other. Things were sometimes really bad between us, but I think this is the worst it's ever gotten. She's deliberately ignoring my texts when I can clearly see she's active on Facebook (she uses Facebook on her phone), she never wants to talk on the phone, she just doesn't want to talk to me at all.

 

Here's what happened that triggered this, but I'm starting to realize is much more than that and there's something else going on. So, we're sexually active (we don't have sex as we're saving ourselves for marriage but we do other things). Before reading, please try to be open mind... so I have a problem reaching orgasm. I've never orgasmed with her and she hasn't either (she's never in her life so she doesn't know how to). Last week she tried to make me orgasm... After maybe 20 minutes she gave up and became super distant afterwards. I was trying to address the issue and trying to tell her that I'll try to improve somehow but she just thought I was selfish for not communicating with her and making her go through 20 minutes of tiredness for nothing. She said she's done trying... I was trying to explain that things could get better but that we shouldn't stop trying, even for me to not stop trying for her. She was ignoring me, and was scrolling on her phone not answering my questions at this point. I felt like she didn't care... So I got up, she asked me to sit with her and we'll talk about it and out of frustration I walked away. A few minutes later I go back to her room and see her crying on her bed. I try to comfort her. I tell her I'm sorry. At this point she gets ready and drives me to the subway (we live away from each other). We talk a bit in her car, she tells me she feels like she'll need time to recover from what just happened. And I told her I understand and that I'd give her time.

 

Maybe a day later, she said she forgave me and that she's not mad at me.

 

After a lot of silence and the occasional text, I finally cracked today (I over think a lot). I just had to know what was going on. I tried calling her, she wouldn't answer. I tried texting her and then we texted for about an hour. I kept on telling her that I wanted to know what was going on. She kept on telling me to just stop. I know I was pushy but I just needed to know... Maybe it was a mistake but I'm depressed and feel like crap right now... things were so good. We were happy a week ago. And all of a sudden things go rock bottom and she doesn't want to talk. What am I supposed to do??? I feel like I should give her space but at the same time I want to know what's going on with her. She's driving me crazy, and I considered breaking up a few hours ago and now I feel like there's hope and my emotions feel like a pink pong ball right now...

 

I won't be sleeping tonight because my heart and my head are on overdrive and it would mean a lot to me if someone out there would just talk to me and share their input... I'm just so emotionally tired and hurt.

[Ery1988]

There looks like there is love in ur relationship. Give her time. Send her one long message saying how u feel and tell her how important she is to you and how much u care.

[MrSweetHarmony]

My opinion, to be with her for 9 months and it not judged in that time that it is right to marry and have sex indicates to me a lack of some experience, there needs to be more study about how to live life properly.

[Krankor]

How old are both of you? Maybe I'm missing something but this seems like a lot of drama over her not being able to get you off.

 

Yes, you absolutely should give her space right now. As in wait for her to reach out to you. But I don't know; she seems like kind of a drama queen who would rather just shut down and shut you out rather than deal with issues like an adult. You pushing doesn't help.

[Anon3487]

I'm 19 (soon 20) and she's 20. She said that it isn't about getting me off, she forgave me for that already... She told me it's because she feels like we lost our emotional connection that day and she's just generally confused.

[holistic17]

Sorry to hear this. The communication isn't great on either side by the looks of it. She needs to decide whether she wants to be in this relationship. But you have pushed it as far as you can. Don't keep chasing her. You are worth more than this desperate behaviour. Pull yourself back and leave her. If she's lapping up the attention then by mirroring her behaviour, she will likely begin to wonder why you have stopped chasing her, then she will probably reach out to you. Keep your dignity and don't put all your emotions into her. You are both so young (I don't mean that patronising). But obviously this situation has snowballed into something because you both don't know how to approach the situation. At the end of all this, it's her that has doubts. If she tells you she doesn't feel a connection anymore, then believe her and accept it. You cannot force someone to have feelings for you. And feelings do change sadly. Best of luck.

[SherrySher]

I would guess that she had her ego/pride hurt when you couldn't orgasm and she probably thought it was personal, maybe was even somewhat embarrassed.

Is there some reason why neither of you have orgasmed with each other before? Is there something missing that perhaps made the orgasm more difficult for you?

I know everyone has days where it just doesn't happen (there's nothing wrong with that)..it could be tiredness, stress, etc and not a huge deal. But are there deeper issues as to why you can't satisfy each other?

 

Maybe this is something to consider and find the answers to. Right now you both sound frustrated, but you need to stop blaming yourself as well. You've done everything you can to try and make things work by the sounds of it.

[kbbcoop77]

Too much pressure over nutting.

[Anon3487]

So it's not about me not getting off anymore, it's much bigger than that. I have a feeling it's because she feels like I take her for granted. After a sleepless night, I realize that I might have gotten too comfortable with her for the past few months. I used to always randomly get her flowers, breakfast or I would get her tons of chocolate when she was on her "time of the month" (and I've memorized when it is). Used to do a lot of surprise romantic things for her and I guess she feels like I don't do that anymore.

 

It's either that, or she's had a sudden change of heart, which is strange because we usually get passed these types of situations... I trust her very much, but I have this back-thought that maybe she's done something behind my back. I'm not around much because we live far and she's got a very busy schedule... She's always had more guy friends than girl friends and it would kill me inside if I knew she did something... maybe she's feeling guilty and feels like she should let me go... it just doesn't make sense that she's being like this with me over something that we can easily figure out and grow from... but like I said it's a big maybe, because she's a really good girl (she's a homebody and is waiting for marriage), and very trustworthy (it's just a thought from an over-thinker like me)

[Wiseman2]

2 inexperienced people are not going to get it on like porn stars. Give her space. She sounds moody and frustrated at her lack of sexuality and experience.

[Anon3487]

Things worked out in the end. We finally had a long conversation and I just wanted to know what was going on. She said she didn't have anything to say to me the past week and that she needed time. I suffered more than I should have, but I guess it was necessary in the end. I now realize that I should make more of an effort in the relationship and I realized that I fear losing her, even if I don't admit it. My advice for people in this situation: Do not over-think, express your feelings to her whenever you feel like you should, give her time and space and last but not least, do not put your life on hold and keep yourself busy, just don't forget about her. What I learned from this experience: I hurt myself more than I should with my over-thinking, which results in trust issues and I learned that I should be more patient and understanding in these situations in the future.

 

Thank you all for your inputs, it really helped me out. My heart was in a dark place for a week and you guys helped me feel a bit more secure and gave me guidance and I thank you for that

[wall]

I think that the more you try to seek answers, the more you'll push her away. Space is not a bad thing. It's ok to take time to reflect on things. You are trapped in an illusion of action. You think that you need to DO SOMETHING to save this relationship. It's not true. She likes you for her own reasons, not that you convince her to. I think this is where men get off center. They try to control and fix things. We're logical, women are emotional. My advice is to back away. Give her space and let her have time to come to you. Just hearing your story my gut say's that she definitely will. Respect her need for space and calm down. I know it's hard but i think you'll push her further away if you don't. Good luck