Hanging out with Dumper and feeling more disconnected

[mcnn4]

My ex boyfriend dumped me 1.5 months ago because he didn't see a future with me. We dated for 10 months. I was honestly so devastated at first. I begged for him and couldn't eat because of him. I was a complete mess for a whole month when I did NC with him.

 

I basically hit rock bottom and texted him. I even made a thread about it here.

He acted very disinterested and over it that night but then 2 days later he told me it was all an act. He told me that hanging out with me made him miss me and afterwards he couldn't stop thinking about me.

 

Basically, we ended up sleeping together and then 2 days later he told me he wanted to talk to me and wanted me back after finding out that I'm moving on and might hang out with another guy.

 

I slept with him again yesterday when he told me he didn't want me to talk to a new guy because he really thinks he wants me to stay with him and we can get back together after he's thought things through.

 

Every time we sleep together/hang out, I feel really vulnerable after and just feel like I can't lose him again. But the next day, I wake up feeling more detached to him. I used to feel angry or bitter towards him but after sleeping with him/hanging out with him twice, I've begun to grow indifferent to him.

 

I know a lot of people say that NC is the way to get over someone. But the fact that I broke NC is what is really pushing me towards acceptance of the whole break up. I was stuck in the depression part of the grieving process until I saw him again.

 

We are on spring break right now since we both go to the same university. And I told him we should think about this over break and get back to each other about possible reconciliation after. I thought that I wanted him back and that's what I ultimately wanted. But once he did show that he may want reconciliation, I'm starting to lose interest in him.

 

I just feel confused. Because when I'm with him, I love him so much and don't wanna ever lose him again. But when I'm not with him, I feel indifferent.

 

What is going on with me? I feel like I'm not following any of the healing process steps and I'm healing faster because I hang out with him... Do I really love him? Why does hanging out with him/sleeping with him make me want him less?

[HeartGoesOn]

Why does hanging out with him/sleeping with him make me want him less?

 

Because you know it's wrong, and your sense of self-respect is dwindling down to nothing. Stop accepting the downgrade of being his FWB, as you not only deserve to, you CAN do so much better.

[TiredOfDating]

My ex boyfriend dumped me 1.5 months ago because he didn't see a future with me. We dated for 10 months. I was honestly so devastated at first. I begged for him and couldn't eat because of him. I was a complete mess for a whole month when I did NC with him.

 

I basically hit rock bottom and texted him. I even made a thread about it here.

He acted very disinterested and over it that night but then 2 days later he told me it was all an act. He told me that hanging out with me made him miss me and afterwards he couldn't stop thinking about me.

 

Basically, we ended up sleeping together and then 2 days later he told me he wanted to talk to me and wanted me back after finding out that I'm moving on and might hang out with another guy.

 

I slept with him again yesterday when he told me he didn't want me to talk to a new guy because he really thinks he wants me to stay with him and we can get back together after he's thought things through.

 

Every time we sleep together/hang out, I feel really vulnerable after and just feel like I can't lose him again. But the next day, I wake up feeling more detached to him. I used to feel angry or bitter towards him but after sleeping with him/hanging out with him twice, I've begun to grow indifferent to him.

 

I know a lot of people say that NC is the way to get over someone. But the fact that I broke NC is what is really pushing me towards acceptance of the whole break up. I was stuck in the depression part of the grieving process until I saw him again.

 

We are on spring break right now since we both go to the same university. And I told him we should think about this over break and get back to each other about possible reconciliation after. I thought that I wanted him back and that's what I ultimately wanted. But once he did show that he may want reconciliation, I'm starting to lose interest in him.

 

I just feel confused. Because when I'm with him, I love him so much and don't wanna ever lose him again. But when I'm not with him, I feel indifferent.

 

What is going on with me? I feel like I'm not following any of the healing process steps and I'm healing faster because I hang out with him... Do I really love him? Why does hanging out with him/sleeping with him make me want him less?

 

 

I'm actually experiencing similar feelings. Last week I was missing my ex terribly. To attempt to move on, I went back to dating sites. Started talking to a pretty nice guy but when he gave me his number, I ghosted him. I just wasn't feeling ready for that.

 

But last night, I broke NC with my ex after about 24 days. We had a nice conversation...not much about the relationship at all because that seemed to push him away before. I did say something like "I often wonder if you think of me as much as I think about you". And he said "I think about you a lot. I am genuinely glad to hear from you and hope we can keep talking like this".

 

And for some reason, now I feel okay to move on. I found another guy, we just started talking, and I don't feel any apprehension about possibly moving on with someone else. And its not the whole "excitement over someone new" euphoria. We literally JUST started talking. But I'm not automatically blowing off an opportunity.

 

Why did talking to my ex, with the breadcrumbs on both ends, and me still hoping for reconciliation, make me feel better about possibly moving on with someone new?

 

I think it could be focusing on this unrealized idea of reconciliation for so long, you didn't realize your feelings aren't the same after all and your mind wasn't quite as caught up to your heart in knowing you were ready to let go.

[mcnn4]

I'm actually experiencing similar feelings. Last week I was missing my ex terribly. To attempt to move on, I went back to dating sites. Started talking to a pretty nice guy but when he gave me his number, I ghosted him. I just wasn't feeling ready for that.

 

I think it could be focusing on this unrealized idea of reconciliation for so long, you didn't realize your feelings aren't the same after all and your mind wasn't quite as caught up to your heart in knowing you were ready to let go.

 

Wow yes, I feel like we are experiencing the same things. I feel like NC isn't the end all be all like everyone claims it to be. If I had kept up the NC, I think I would still be in love with the idea of him. Still hoping for reconciliation.

 

I also feel like I'm genuinely interested in another guy now too.

[TiredOfDating]

I feel like NC isn't the end all be all like everyone claims it to be.

 

NC works, but its not a "one size fits all" solution. It doesn't have to be rigid, like people on this forum tend to preach.

 

I wasn't sure about reaching out first because I had told him I was leaving it up to him. But I was also very assertive in letting him know how angry and hurt I was and that I didn't buy what he was selling. He avoids conflict, so I knew I'd need to let him know it was okay and that I'd welcome contact.

 

And me not sticking to limited/no contact while we were on a "break" worked against me. It put him in a position of having the power and the upper hand. He could say anything and know I'd still be waiting for him. By going NC, even for just 24 days, showed him I wasn't a doormat.

[mcnn4]

NC works, but its not a "one size fits all" solution. It doesn't have to be rigid, like people on this forum tend to preach.

 

I wasn't sure about reaching out first because I had told him I was leaving it up to him. But I was also very assertive in letting him know how angry and hurt I was and that I didn't buy what he was selling. He avoids conflict, so I knew I'd need to let him know it was okay and that I'd welcome contact.

 

And me not sticking to limited/no contact while we were on a "break" worked against me. It put him in a position of having the power and the upper hand. He could say anything and know I'd still be waiting for him. By going NC, even for just 24 days, showed him I wasn't a doormat.

 

That's very true. I needed the 1 month NC but breaking NC at 30 days helped him see me in a different light and I also saw him in a different light. I feel like the power has been reversed now.

[mcnn4]

Because you know it's wrong, and your sense of self-respect is dwindling down to nothing. Stop accepting the downgrade of being his FWB, as you not only deserve to, you CAN do so much better.

 

Oh yeah I'm definitely not accepting it. I'm literally telling him in a week, we'll talk about whether we're back together or not. And if we decide we're not going to be together, it's done... forever.

[angrythoughts]

I believe it's because you're finally getting what you want so you don't see the excitement in it anymore. Once you see him pulling away again or changing his mind about getting back with you (deciding to move on) you'll most likely move back to phase one of heartbreak.

[MissCanuck]

I believe it's because you're finally getting what you want so you don't see the excitement in it anymore. Once you see him pulling away again or changing his mind about getting back with you (deciding to move on) you'll most likely move back to phase one of heartbreak.

 

Exactly this.

 

OP, you need to be careful. I am assuming this is the same guy as your other threads. If so, you will find yourself in a self-destructive power dance with him. He suddenly changed his mind about you when he found out you were hanging out with another guy? I hate to break it to you, but that's his ego talking. Red flag. It's not coming from some genuine love for you; it happened only when he thought he had competition. What that means (based on my own experience) is that as soon as that competition is eliminated, he'll have got the ego-boost he wanted and you will be cast aside again. Maybe not immediately, but I can almost guarantee it will happen because he didn't come back for the right reasons.

 

I know you believe you have the power now, but actually it's still the reverse. He does. Think about it: He tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you. You sleep with him anyway. He reiterates that after sleeping with him again. And then you sleep with him again anyway. Now he's saying he doesn't want you to talk to this other guy, and you're actually considering talking this out with him. So who is really calling the shots? It's not you, unfortunately.

 

I have been there too, OP. Very similar situation. Please, proceed with caution and the knowledge that you are risking heartbreak all over again.

[holistic17]

I completely agree with the above post OP. This seems like a masked situation whereby you feel like you have the final say....but you're still going to consider a reconciliation next week when you speak to him, which tells him you're on his yoyo string. He shows you a bit of jealousy over the new guy, which works like a charm and gets you to bed. Then you focus all your attention on him again (even though you're saying your feelings aren't as strong), you're still very much in a dangerous and vulnerable place. Once he says he doesn't see it working again, you'll go back to phase one. I must also say this, why do you feel the need to move on and have another guy in the background so quickly? The real healing process is taking time out to reflect and learn. Get your own personal power back. Not a false sense of it that when pulled out from underneath you suddenly, you're back on the floor.

[greta96]

I believe it's because you're finally getting what you want so you don't see the excitement in it anymore. Once you see him pulling away again or changing his mind about getting back with you (deciding to move on) you'll most likely move back to phase one of heartbreak.

 

This is it exactly. Seeing him, having sex with him and hearing him say all those nice words to you (things you wanted so desperately to happen up until very recently) is giving you a false sense of accomplishment, and you feel like "hmmm...do I really want him back?". But once he pulls the plug and/or distances himself again, you'll realize that yes, you do want him back as much as before and you will be heartbroken all over again, especially when you realize he didn't in fact 'come back' at all in the way you wanted him to and that you, in fact, got demoted from girlfriend to fwb.

I just went (and still going through) this very same scenario, minus the sex because I kind of knew sex was the motivation behind him coming back after all these years and being very nice to me all of a sudden. The first few weeks I was saying to myself "is this what I kept mourning over all these years? He's not as cute/smart/etc as I remembered him to be, I'm not sure I even want him back". Then he started cooling off again (when he realized he wasn't going to get the sex he was after) and let me tell you, it hurts seeing him distancing himself again just as much as when we broke up the first time.

 

Maybe you could try cutting off the sex, and just hanging out with him, this way you'll be able to see if he's truly interested in you, or just after some NSA sex. Keep sex out of the picture for a couple of months, and see if he sticks around.

[mcnn4]

I believe it's because you're finally getting what you want so you don't see the excitement in it anymore. Once you see him pulling away again or changing his mind about getting back with you (deciding to move on) you'll most likely move back to phase one of heartbreak.

 

 

This does sound like what's happening. The worst part is I'm thinking about dropping him first right at this second to avoid that. I feel like this isn't love at all on either ends. It's just a game of winning and losing. When I'm winning, I feel good but when I'm sensing a loss I feel insecure. ugh.

[MissCanuck]

You really need to stop seeing him, and especially sleeping with him.

 

In the end, it will only hurt you. A guy who is really into you and respects you would not treat you this way. You're enabling your own demotion to FWB and it's not going to yield the results you want, my friend.

[mcnn4]

Exactly this.

 

OP, you need to be careful. I am assuming this is the same guy as your other threads. If so, you will find yourself in a self-destructive power dance with him. He suddenly changed his mind about you when he found out you were hanging out with another guy? I hate to break it to you, but that's his ego talking. Red flag. It's not coming from some genuine love for you; it happened only when he thought he had competition. What that means (based on my own experience) is that as soon as that competition is eliminated, he'll have got the ego-boost he wanted and you will be cast aside again. Maybe not immediately, but I can almost guarantee it will happen because he didn't come back for the right reasons.

 

I know you believe you have the power now, but actually it's still the reverse. He does. Think about it: He tells you he doesn't want a relationship with you. You sleep with him anyway. He reiterates that after sleeping with him again. And then you sleep with him again anyway. Now he's saying he doesn't want you to talk to this other guy, and you're actually considering talking this out with him. So who is really calling the shots? It's not you, unfortunately.

 

I have been there too, OP. Very similar situation. Please, proceed with caution and the knowledge that you are risking heartbreak all over again.

 

I am proceeding with caution. I know a lot of people are telling me to just stop talking to him. But he's the one that messages me first and initiates contact. It's easy for people to say that I need to stop talking to his guy and that I can do better etc but the fact is I'm the one that knew him best from the relationship we had and I'm the one that knows him I guess.

 

And from what I feel, I do feel like he's telling me the truth when he says he's still thinking. I won't be sleeping with him anymore unless he actually wants reconciliation and shows that.

 

I know I am risking heartbreak all over again but how can you not when you loved a person so much?

 

I appreciate all the advice given here on this thread, it's just so hard to actually act on it logically. I know that it's easier on me to just block him and erase him out of my life but actually doing it is so hard when you're trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt. ugh.

[Doc Blaze]

I am proceeding with caution. I know a lot of people are telling me to just stop talking to him. But he's the one that messages me first and initiates contact. It's easy for people to say that I need to stop talking to his guy and that I can do better etc but the fact is I'm the one that knew him best from the relationship we had and I'm the one that knows him I guess.

 

And from what I feel, I do feel like he's telling me the truth when he says he's still thinking. I won't be sleeping with him anymore unless he actually wants reconciliation and shows that.

 

I know I am risking heartbreak all over again but how can you not when you loved a person so much?

 

I appreciate all the advice given here on this thread, it's just so hard to actually act on it logically. I know that it's easier on me to just block him and erase him out of my life but actually doing it is so hard when you're trying to give someone the benefit of the doubt. ugh.

 

 

His feelings don't resurge whenever we act couply and he is emotionally detached during sex. He also says he didn't regret breaking up with me when I asked him.