NJBeauty425 Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 So, my ex broke up with me back in November of last year, stating "I love you but were just not on the same page anymore" and felt he needed to get away. He swore up and down that we will never work and that he would never come back. Background on us: On and off for 9 years, have a 5 year old together. As soon as he broke up with me he called me to tell me he was seeing someone else and the reason he told me was because "she wants you to know because she feels that I am going to get back with you". Apparently she is threatened by me already. I started NC but broke it a couple of times. He did call me one day and he only called me because he asked if he could borrow $25 from me to get his haircut. I said "why don't you ask your girlfriend for money? you don't call me for any other reason but now you want money?" I of course gave it to him, I brought him the money and we had a break down, I started crying and said "it wasn't fair how we ended things and how 9 years could go down the drain just like that". The next day he text his sister and told his sister "I messed up I did it to myself I actually miss her". He asks about me everyday (his sister and I are very close and talk), he stalks my IG because my page is open and not private and he screen shots stuff I put up and asks his sister what does it mean or where was I going. He does all this but wont contact me at all and says he is "taking it slow" with this new girl. The new girl is 10 years younger than him (hes 32, shes 22), they both don't have cars, so how is he taking her out? the bus? If he is "taking it slow" with her as he claims why didn't he wait to be intimate with her? He started being intimate the end of Dec two weeks after he told me they were talking. She has even met some of his family... I am so upset and is staying in NC because I do not want to be bothered with him because I am so upset that he chose this girl. I am not the best but I have a lot more to offer. I work two jobs, pay my own bills and I have my own car. I use to take him everywhere I drove, he doesn't have a license. Money was never an issue with me. Why was I not good enough? what didn't he see? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boltnrun Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Seems like you fell into more of a "mother" role with him (Giving him money for a haircut? Driving him around? Working two jobs to support your family? It's difficult and kind of weird to be attracted to a "mother" type. Probably why he's now with someone much younger. Plus the younger woman would have less of an issue with him not driving. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Sorry this happened. What did he mean "not on the same page"? Were there arguments about marriage, future, living together, child care, finances, etc. Why has it been on off this long? Does he use this 'off' periods to sow his oats? Does he work? No car? Did you support him or did he move back with his family? He should be paying child support, not borrowing money to look good for his new gf. Since you have a child NC is not an option however you can limit contact to that if you want. Unfortunately it sounds like you were mommying him and now he found an equally immature 'peer'. Does he have Peter Pan Syndrome? "I love you but were just not on the same page anymore". On and off for 9 years, have a 5 year old together. He did call me one day and he only called me because he asked if he could borrow $25 from me to get his haircut. I of course gave it to him. says he is "taking it slow" with this new girl. they both don't have cars. I work two jobs, pay my own bills and I have my own car. I use to take him everywhere I drove, he doesn't have a license. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
holistic17 Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 I'm sorry to hear this has happened and I'm not surprised you're so confused by his behavior. I certainly am! The first thing you need to do is to realise that this isn't about you. Reading your post, his actions are all over the place. For example, he's let his new girlfriend meet his family, yet constantly asking about you. I agree with the questions the previous responses ask, did you financially carry him through life? I don't think you should be giving into his request for money. This is purely him being selfish and playing on your heart strings. He's a fully grown man. He made a decision to leave your relationship, he had to deal with the consequences of that. I think that you need to be brave and only speak to him if it involves your child. His new relationship sounds completely rebound. If it was anything more, then again, he wouldn't be concerned with what you are doing. This isn't a case of you not being good enough, in fact it looks like it's the other way around! You need to keep your distance and try to begin healing. Put you and your child first. He will have to sort his problems out by himself. You cannot make or force him do anything. It's likely he will try and come back to you though. You need to ensure that you don't take him back from a place of fear of rejection again or being alone. Conclusion - he's pretty messed up right now. Leave him be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJBeauty425 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 Seems like you fell into more of a "mother" role with him (Giving him money for a haircut? Driving him around? Working two jobs to support your family? It's difficult and kind of weird to be attracted to a "mother" type. Probably why he's now with someone much younger. Plus the younger woman would have less of an issue with him not driving. He does work a full time job, and this new girls works there too. He is a assistant grocery manager at a food store and she is a cashier. His mother moved to Georgia when he was 18, and he took that hard. I remember he stated one time in the past " im always going to need someone to give me that push". I was always there for him, you could say like a mother figure ( I drove him places when he needed it, help him with doctor appointments, if he needed money I would help out)...I mean he is a grown man and he does take care of himself, but I believe he just took me for granted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJBeauty425 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 Sorry this happened. What did he mean "not on the same page"? Were there arguments about marriage, future, living together, child care, finances, etc. Why has it been on off this long? Does he use this 'off' periods to sow his oats? Does he work? No car? Did you support him or did he move back with his family? He should be paying child support, not borrowing money to look good for his new gf. Since you have a child NC is not an option however you can limit contact to that if you want. Unfortunately it sounds like you were mommying him and now he found an equally immature 'peer'. Does he have Peter Pan Syndrome? He lives at home with his grandfather and pays him rent. He does pay me child support (automatically taken out of his check). He has had a history of cheating before, and I took him back. For 9 years, he cheated twice, once after I gave birth and once in 2015. Both times I took him back, because I believed he changed. I go through his sister in terms of anything that has to do with our child. If I do have to pick my son up from him, I am cordial and get my son and leave. What do you mean "sow his oats?" He does not have a car because he lost his license back in 2008 ( I know I picked a real winner *sarcastic remark lol*) We lived in two separate house, we did talk about moving in but when it came down to it he always had some excuse of how "we couldn't afford it" when I know we can. He always said I was the one he wanted a future with and that I was his rock, but these last couple months I just saw an extreme change in him and it hurts. I feel like he is in love with this new girl already and it hurts me. She is a cashier at his job and she also does not have a car. His sister tells me that he has not even taken her out anywhere and the only thing they do is go over one another's houses and that's it. what bothers me is he already had her meet some of his family. I don't know maybe they will fizzle out as fast as they started. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 Unfortunately people are attracted to partners, not parental figures. And although you tried to be a good person, being a mommy for him is not a healthy dynamic. Stop now with giving him money, driving him around or any of that. He's a grown man and perhaps the woman he's seeing makes him feel like that. Infantalizing him is not healthy.He does work a full time job, and this new girls works there too. He is a assistant grocery manager at a food store and she is a cashier. " im always going to need someone to give me that push". I was always there for him, you could say like a mother figure Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJBeauty425 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 I'm sorry to hear this has happened and I'm not surprised you're so confused by his behavior. I certainly am! The first thing you need to do is to realise that this isn't about you. Reading your post, his actions are all over the place. For example, he's let his new girlfriend meet his family, yet constantly asking about you. I agree with the questions the previous responses ask, did you financially carry him through life? I don't think you should be giving into his request for money. This is purely him being selfish and playing on your heart strings. He's a fully grown man. He made a decision to leave your relationship, he had to deal with the consequences of that. I think that you need to be brave and only speak to him if it involves your child. His new relationship sounds completely rebound. If it was anything more, then again, he wouldn't be concerned with what you are doing. This isn't a case of you not being good enough, in fact it looks like it's the other way around! You need to keep your distance and try to begin healing. Put you and your child first. He will have to sort his problems out by himself. You cannot make or force him do anything. It's likely he will try and come back to you though. You need to ensure that you don't take him back from a place of fear of rejection again or being alone. Conclusion I completely agree with you because he says he is not with her and that their just having fun. I read to much into it and I don't want to but I do. He needs to grow up and be a man. Its sad because he was my only boyfriend I have ever had. I met him when I was 17, didn't start dating him till I was 18 and the rest is history. I am very mature for being a 27 year old and im very responsible. Maybe I was just too much for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJBeauty425 Posted March 4, 2017 Author Share Posted March 4, 2017 Unfortunately people are attracted to partners, not parental figures. And although you tried to be a good person, being a mommy for him is not a healthy dynamic. Stop now with giving him money, driving him around or any of that. He's a grown man and perhaps the woman he's seeing makes him feel like that. Infantalizing him is not healthy. Oh I completely stopped. He apologized for even asking me for that money for his haircut, said it was wrong of him and that he would pay me back. I just left it alone and said if you need anymore help now, see your girlfriend. He got mad and stopped texting back. I haven't talked to him in over a week, and I am leaving it like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 This guy just doesn't love you, OP. Parent-child dynamic aside for a moment, he's cheated. Twice. He was willing to jeopardize everything one not one but two occasions, that you know of. A man who is truly in love with just wouldn't take that kind of risk. Returning to where he's at in life - he's a complete man-child. What type of of guy in his thirties needs to hit up his ex for $25 to get a friggin' hair cut? I would have told him to get real and get stuffed. I would expect a man at his age, no less a father himself, to have his sh*t together much more than he does. For me, it would be a huge turn-off that he's so behind in this regard. This is just one example that demonstrates his very immature mentality. It appears you tried to mother him not only because you want to help him but also because you hoped it would keep him around. But you see, when a man doesn't have basic respect for you (and he doesn't, as evidenced by his repeated cheating) he won't appreciate what you did for him. He doesn't see your help as a loving gesture. He sees it as satisfying his need in that moment for some cash, or a ride, or whatever else..and that's pretty much it. You very much need to stop discussing him and his new girlfriend with his sister. I get that you're close but it's not helping you, is it? You're already driving yourself a little nuts comparing yourself to his new girl, when that energy needs to be directed towards your healing. You've not been treated very well by this guy for quite some time, and it's surely time you started taking care of you and closing this chapter. He'll always be in your life to an extent due to your child with him, but you need to start facing the tough truth that he's not going to be a life partner for you. You sound much more mature and stable and you deserve a man who loves you enough to appreciate and not exploit those qualities. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJBeauty425 Posted March 5, 2017 Author Share Posted March 5, 2017 This guy just doesn't love you, OP. Parent-child dynamic aside for a moment, he's cheated. Twice. He was willing to jeopardize everything one not one but two occasions, that you know of. A man who is truly in love with just wouldn't take that kind of risk. Returning to where he's at in life - he's a complete man-child. What type of of guy in his thirties needs to hit up his ex for $25 to get a friggin' hair cut? I would have told him to get real and get stuffed. I would expect a man at his age, no less a father himself, to have his sh*t together much more than he does. For me, it would be a huge turn-off that he's so behind in this regard. This is just one example that demonstrates his very immature mentality. It appears you tried to mother him not only because you want to help him but also because you hoped it would keep him around. But you see, when a man doesn't have basic respect for you (and he doesn't, as evidenced by his repeated cheating) he won't appreciate what you did for him. He doesn't see your help as a loving gesture. He sees it as satisfying his need in that moment for some cash, or a ride, or whatever else..and that's pretty much it. You very much need to stop discussing him and his new girlfriend with his sister. I get that you're close but it's not helping you, is it? You're already driving yourself a little nuts comparing yourself to his new girl, when that energy needs to be directed towards your healing. You've not been treated very well by this guy for quite some time, and it's surely time you started taking care of you and closing this chapter. He'll always be in your life to an extent due to your child with him, but you need to start facing the tough truth that he's not going to be a life partner for you. You sound much more mature and stable and you deserve a man who loves you enough to appreciate and not exploit those qualities. Thank you, im noticing all this now and moving myself away from it just taking care of me and my son! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.