Tunnel of vacancy

[Green Road]

My name is Eric and I'm 42 years old, single.

 

 

I have no idea how to word this and I'm not exactly sure what is going on with me, but I believe it could be borderline depression, if not full depression. I just don't know right now, but it got to the point earlier in the week that I felt I wanted to get some help understanding these feelings and try and get some help and tools to handle them as they come. I'm really thinking it isn't anxiety I don't feel anxious or paranoid, worried or any of that. I just feel SOOO Vacant and lonely that it drives me insane. It's been really bad this week. I guess what I want from this forum is if anyone can share a like experience and how they went about getting help for it and did it work for you. I have no energy to go on a detailed rant about everything, but the short of it is, I have a long history of bad self esteem, from far back as 7th grade in school, I've never had a Girlfriend or any serious relationship and been living alone on my own my whole adult life.

 

 

I guess the closest way to explain how I am feeling is....vacancy...I just feel like my town is so dead, vacant and depressing. I feel alone even though people are around I feel like I am in this tunnel as I drive that is just me and the road, even though activity is happening all around me. I feel so depressed when people I like(and barely even know) leave town permantley and I never get to see them again. The person working at the store, gas station, at starbucks and anyplace. I tend to strike up small chit chat relationships with them while I am at these places and may know them for a year or so, then they leave for another job or out of state. Leaves me SOOO depressed and even more lonely feeling...it just sucks so bad that I get sad even going back to these places when they are gone. These are people I don't even know on a personal level. Also abandoned houses that look so lonely with no one in them, broken windows, driveway covered in snow....makes me feel abnormal amounts of sadness....I think about when the houses had activity, Christmas morning, all warm and now nothing....just vacant and lonely, no one there.

 

 

I did seek help, but it is so tough to even start to begin. One place had a waiting list for four months and I needed referrals. I went to the E.R out of desperation...I was at my end at that point and that was 4 days ago. I walked in and said I feel like I am going to break down a door and feeling depressed. I filled out a card and began a 5 hour stay in the E.R. They put me in the behavioral unit of the hospital in a small room. A hospital staff member sat with me and asked me routine questions about if I am feeling like being hostile and/or if I want to hurt myself. I explained if I saw my ex brother in law right now I'd beat his face in and thoughts of hurting myself routinely crossed my mind, but I didn't feel I'd go through with it just yet, however I am scaring myself more these days with those kinds of feelings I told her. They did a full examination, bloodwork ect... I was there for 5 hours then got released with referrals to places. I'm going to an independent clinic for a follow up and to see if any medication can help...I guess. I'm waiting to see what they say, before I seek psychiatric help. I have no idea how to go about that. Every place I go to seems to have a waiting list and it's the wrong sort of treatment place. They would give me fridge magnets with crisis hotline numbers on them. I'd leave discouraged and even more vacant.

 

Well that's the best I can explain this hell....Thank you.

[Jibralta]

Have you tried calling any of those hotlines?

[Wiseman2]

Excellent you got help. Be patient and take it one step at a time.

I'm going to an independent clinic for a follow up and to see if any medication can help...I guess.

[Green Road]

Have you tried calling any of those hotlines?

 

 

No, not any of the crisis hotlines, because I don't feel like I am going to jump off a bridge quite yet. I have calmed down and the sleeping pills I take have helped me get back energy. I've been cleaning my house and trying to keep busy in order to try and avoid the bad feelings. It works to a point and I feel a bit better. I feel good enough to wait for the appointment this coming Wednesday with the clinic the hospital set me up with. I guess they will evaluate me and determine if it's depression or anxiety....I'm simply going to ask them that I need to see a psychiatrist and I can't mess around anymore. I feel I'm at the point, that even though I calmed down now I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it on my own next time this wave hits me again. It takes all my energy and will just to get up out of bed and clean my house. it sucks.

 

Thanks for reply.

[Green Road]

Excellent you got help. Be patient and take it one step at a time.

 

I'm not seeing anyone about my problem as far as psychiatrist and such, but I went to the E.R. out of desperation and they set me up for an independent facility for evaluation to see whats going on. I guess I'll go from there. Was hoping it would be sooner, but the earliest is this coming Wednesday they could get me in. I guess the E.R. didn't think I was bad enough for immediate attention, but I sure did feel like it.

 

Thanks.

[Jibralta]

No, not any of the crisis hotlines, because I don't feel like I am going to jump off a bridge quite yet. I have calmed down and the sleeping pills I take have helped me get back energy. I've been cleaning my house and trying to keep busy in order to try and avoid the bad feelings. It works to a point and I feel a bit better. I feel good enough to wait for the appointment this coming Wednesday with the clinic the hospital set me up with. I guess they will evaluate me and determine if it's depression or anxiety....I'm simply going to ask them that I need to see a psychiatrist and I can't mess around anymore. I feel I'm at the point, that even though I calmed down now I don't think I'm going to be able to handle it on my own next time this wave hits me again. It takes all my energy and will just to get up out of bed and clean my house. it sucks.

 

It really, really stinks that it's so hard for you to get the help that you need. Glad that you at least have that appointment on Wednesday. You know, even if you're not imminently about to jump off of a bridge, I suggest calling one of those hotlines if you need to talk to someone. You sound quite stressed out, and it could help. It could relieve some of the vacancy-pressure, and make you feel better.

 

Edited to add: You know, the culmination of the crisis is jumping off of a bridge. But there's a lead-up that's equally part of the crisis. And you may be at that point now, especially since you feel like you can't handle this on your own. I think you would be justified to call now. You're probably not going to bring a phone with you if you decide to go jump off a bridge.

[holistic17]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You are absolutely doing the best thing in reaching out for help. You're also right in waiting to see what comes out of this upcoming appointment. But I agree with the previous response that even though you're not feeling suicidal right now, these current feelings are a part of your negative mental health state. So a call to crisis could be helpful and even prevent you from getting any lower.

I have experienced a type of depression myself and the tunnel and vacant feeling you say you have are exactly how I felt. But let me tell you that this is not permanent. You will come through it. Plus if you're now due to access help, for the first time in your life, then this could actually be the beginning of something new and a better life journey. Counselling therapy would be good for you, but you have to be able to go back to 7th grade in your mind and explore why things have snowballed to the present day. Every human with the best intention for themselves deserves love and compassion. You sound like you also become easily attached to people. This shows you need to build your own self esteem so you don't have a need to rely on others for dependancy and a source of hope or happiness. We never stop learning about life and it's purpose and we are lucky enough now to have forums such as these and also thousands of self help and development resources online. Go on Google and type in whatever comes to mind with regards to living a happier and peaceful life. It really changed my outlook.

[Green Road]

It really, really stinks that it's so hard for you to get the help that you need. Glad that you at least have that appointment on Wednesday. You know, even if you're not imminently about to jump off of a bridge, I suggest calling one of those hotlines if you need to talk to someone. You sound quite stressed out, and it could help. It could relieve some of the vacancy-pressure, and make you feel better.

 

Edited to add: You know, the culmination of the crisis is jumping off of a bridge. But there's a lead-up that's equally part of the crisis. And you may be at that point now, especially since you feel like you can't handle this on your own. I think you would be justified to call now. You're probably not going to bring a phone with you if you decide to go jump off a bridge.

 

 

I thought it would be easy to go out and find a 'place' that deals with this, but it was almost like searching for some secret society in town. I originally got two phone numbers from my pharmacist when I called her on the phone in desperation. I told her I am having a lot of trouble and that I need to get some help. When I said that I started to weep and then a full breakdown on the phone with my pharmacist. She promptly gave me two numbers to call and told me to promise her I will go to the E.R. if I feel I needed to. She also told me to come in and she will help me find a good sleeping aid, because of my lack of sleep from this. She was very helpful to me.

 

The next day I drove out and actually went to a place, but they delt with advocasy and it was basically a place to go wear people hang out and talk, play pool and just have company. A guy named Brandom said he can listen to me anytime...just stop by. This was not what I'm looking for, but I will keep it in mind. I went from there to a place that the phone number pointed. I go tdirection and finally walked to the building, found the elevator, asked where the place was and got pointed in the direction. Secretary told me I need a referal and there was a 4 month wait. It was a free counseling service. This is where I got the magnet. I was desperate so I said screw it and went to the E.R. I was discouraged and told them I feel like hell and needed help any way possible. I was there for 5 hours, talking to people, being evaluated ect ect. I felt better at that point, because I was doing something instead of in bed. But yes, it was very discouraging at first. I'll see after Wendsday what happens. I plan on breaking down and just telling them I am desperate and won't be able to handle another wave next time.

 

I'm also thankful I am not working right now....I would not be able to work right now. At least I don't have that pressure

[Green Road]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You are absolutely doing the best thing in reaching out for help. You're also right in waiting to see what comes out of this upcoming appointment. But I agree with the previous response that even though you're not feeling suicidal right now, these current feelings are a part of your negative mental health state. So a call to crisis could be helpful and even prevent you from getting any lower.

I have experienced a type of depression myself and the tunnel and vacant feeling you say you have are exactly how I felt. But let me tell you that this is not permanent. You will come through it. Plus if you're now due to access help, for the first time in your life, then this could actually be the beginning of something new and a better life journey. Counselling therapy would be good for you, but you have to be able to go back to 7th grade in your mind and explore why things have snowballed to the present day. Every human with the best intention for themselves deserves love and compassion. You sound like you also become easily attached to people. This shows you need to build your own self esteem so you don't have a need to rely on others for dependancy and a source of hope or happiness. We never stop learning about life and it's purpose and we are lucky enough now to have forums such as these and also thousands of self help and development resources online. Go on Google and type in whatever comes to mind with regards to living a happier and peaceful life. It really changed my outlook.

 

It would take far to long to post in a forum, but I can pretty much pin point what led up to this. It will be what I tell the Councillor or whoever. It's quite deep and why I am feeling like this. I just need to find out how I can start coming back, because I am so tired of these feelings.

 

Yeah right now I could drive down the road in the town and feel like I am the only one here. I'm currently not talking to anyone...I feel strange and don't want to come off as strange. In other words I don't feel like talking about random stuff right now. I am also very irritable and someone opening a bag of chips can set me off. The thing that set me off this week was a text I sent to someone that I know, but not really really well. I sent the text after learning she moved to another state. I never got anything back and it really bothered me. On her Facebook I saw she was talking to people on there, it really chocked me up bad. I also learned that my favorite starbucks barista is leaving town in May...I will REALLY miss her, bad and it set in some deep emotion. I don't even know her last name. I shouldn't be like that, it's not normal. I just feel that everyone is leaving my life, this town and it makes it feel sooooo deserted and that I am the only one here. I think this is what brought on the latest case I am having and it needs to stop I'm sick of it.

 

I can also add if anyone I talk to at the doctors says consider getting a cat or dog for the loneliness....I'm getting up and walking away. I'm not becoming a lonely cat lady....it's not going to happen.

 

Thanks

[Green Road]

This might be weird, but Listening to Adele, you know, the singer, really helps....I can really feel myself and mind when I listen to her. It's weird, but it is...Love her.

[Jibralta]

She's got a great voice.

[Green Road]

She's got a great voice.[/QUOT

 

She does and she's a great person.

[Green Road]

I had a screening today for depression. I'm classified as 'Moderate/major' depression and started on a month of 20mg Citalopram to see how it goes. I'm also put in for mandatory counseling. Thr drugs were optional, my choice, but I figured it could help take the edge off which would be nice. So I opted in.

 

Going down recovery road.

[Jibralta]

That's great to hear! Keep us updated on your progress.