Green Road Posted March 4, 2017 Share Posted March 4, 2017 My name is Eric and I'm 42 years old, single. I have no idea how to word this and I'm not exactly sure what is going on with me, but I believe it could be borderline depression, if not full depression. I just don't know right now, but it got to the point earlier in the week that I felt I wanted to get some help understanding these feelings and try and get some help and tools to handle them as they come. I'm really thinking it isn't anxiety I don't feel anxious or paranoid, worried or any of that. I just feel SOOO Vacant and lonely that it drives me insane. It's been really bad this week. I guess what I want from this forum is if anyone can share a like experience and how they went about getting help for it and did it work for you. I have no energy to go on a detailed rant about everything, but the short of it is, I have a long history of bad self esteem, from far back as 7th grade in school, I've never had a Girlfriend or any serious relationship and been living alone on my own my whole adult life. I guess the closest way to explain how I am feeling is....vacancy...I just feel like my town is so dead, vacant and depressing. I feel alone even though people are around I feel like I am in this tunnel as I drive that is just me and the road, even though activity is happening all around me. I feel so depressed when people I like(and barely even know) leave town permantley and I never get to see them again. The person working at the store, gas station, at starbucks and anyplace. I tend to strike up small chit chat relationships with them while I am at these places and may know them for a year or so, then they leave for another job or out of state. Leaves me SOOO depressed and even more lonely feeling...it just sucks so bad that I get sad even going back to these places when they are gone. These are people I don't even know on a personal level. Also abandoned houses that look so lonely with no one in them, broken windows, driveway covered in snow....makes me feel abnormal amounts of sadness....I think about when the houses had activity, Christmas morning, all warm and now nothing....just vacant and lonely, no one there. I did seek help, but it is so tough to even start to begin. One place had a waiting list for four months and I needed referrals. I went to the E.R out of desperation...I was at my end at that point and that was 4 days ago. I walked in and said I feel like I am going to break down a door and feeling depressed. I filled out a card and began a 5 hour stay in the E.R. They put me in the behavioral unit of the hospital in a small room. A hospital staff member sat with me and asked me routine questions about if I am feeling like being hostile and/or if I want to hurt myself. I explained if I saw my ex brother in law right now I'd beat his face in and thoughts of hurting myself routinely crossed my mind, but I didn't feel I'd go through with it just yet, however I am scaring myself more these days with those kinds of feelings I told her. They did a full examination, bloodwork ect... I was there for 5 hours then got released with referrals to places. I'm going to an independent clinic for a follow up and to see if any medication can help...I guess. I'm waiting to see what they say, before I seek psychiatric help. I have no idea how to go about that. Every place I go to seems to have a waiting list and it's the wrong sort of treatment place. They would give me fridge magnets with crisis hotline numbers on them. I'd leave discouraged and even more vacant. Well that's the best I can explain this hell....Thank you. Link to comment
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