Should I just start preparing myself for single motherhood?

[Ladi33bug]

I'm pregnant with the child of a man I am deeply in love with. We are having some very bad communication problems. He shuts me out completely and it happens on a regular basis now, so much that I'm beginning to get use to it.

 

 

We've been seeing each other for over two years now and he has some deep rooted issues with my past. I was honest (maybe even too honest) about my past. I'm a victim of rape and I was in such a state of despair that I was coerced into human trafficking by a pimp for two years. After getting out of that life I dealt with my pain by being promiscuous. I'm extremely ashamed of my actions and it's been years since I've been that type of woman. I've been faithful to him and honest. He has fears that I will fall back into those tendencies but there is no man on this earth I have ever loved and wanted more so I am CERTAIN I would NEVER jeopardize what we have.

 

 

I know he will never marry me and I know that he doesn't respect me right now but I am willingly to prove to him that I am worthy of his love and that i am not that hurting little girl anymore.

 

 

He has shut down on me once again and I'm afraid soon he will find a woman who doesn't have my troubled past and move on. I'm strong enough to move on from him if that does happen I just really want this to work. Should I just start preparing myself for the worst? (I honestly already have been preparing myself) but should I continue? I know he loves me, we've been through so much together.

[Wiseman2]

Do you live together? Was this wanted/planned? Don't "prove" anything. Either he accepts your past and respects that or you ditch him. Stop explaining your past or trying to prove anything.

 

What do you mean "shut down again"? Has it been an on/off relationship?

I'm pregnant with the child of a man. He has fears that I will fall back into those tendencies. I know that he doesn't respect me right now.I know he loves me, we've been through so much together.

[dias]

Something is missing here. Leaving you because of your past?He wouldn't be with you in the first place if he was annoyed by your past. I don't think your past is the real problem.But yes, start preparing yourself for single motherhood since it's the most possible scenario.

[itsallgrand]

Was the baby planned? How far along are you? Does he know you are pregnant?

 

I'm wondering why you were having unprotected sex with a man who you know does not respect you. Did you ever go for therapy for your issues?

[Ladi33bug]

Yes wiseman it has been on and off. When talking about our new addition to the family, or our future, Sometimes he'll get quiet and he'll shut down. I got frustrated with him because of it and he hasn't even called me or anything in three days. We would talk about a future together and we we talk about having kids but we weren't expecting it to happen so soon. He's afraid his family will find out about my past. He's ashamed of my past. We don't live together and we never have. He wants me to move 4 hours away so that we can be close to his other children. I'm really confused at what he wants and I just wish we could find some kind of way to work all this out but it's impossible if he's choosing to stop speaking to me.

[mustlovedogs]

I'm not a psychologist. But have you stepped back to wonder why you went from a terribly traumatic past to a relationship where you feel like you have to "earn" your worth? You shouldn't have to prove you're worthwhile. I wonder if that's an artifact of your past... a weird mix of punishing yourself and working to prove yourself.

 

Your post makes me sad. Regardless what happened in your past, you deserve better

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. So he doesn't want to live together unless he can be with his other family? Do you live with your parents? Do you have local support from friends family, etc?

 

Do you work or go to school? One way or the other, when the child is born you will have to file for child support and arrange a visitation/custody schedule, since you don't live together.

 

Why haven't you lived together after 2 yrs? Agree it sounds like he cares, but is reluctant in all this particularly being a new dad again when he has his other family 4 hrs away.

it has been on and off. We would talk about a future together and we we talk about having kids but we weren't expecting it to happen so soon. We don't live together and we never have. He wants me to move 4 hours away so that we can be close to his other children.

[Jibralta]

You've had a lot of trauma in your life, and unfortunately many people are not sympathetic to young women in your situation. A lot of blame is placed on your shoulders, and it is conveniently forgotten that you (like most in your position) were coerced into becoming a sex worker as the result of trauma and manipulation. I'm so sorry.

 

I don't know a lot about your current situation, or how your boyfriend is shutting you out. But I do know that a relationship should be supportive. If he's not supporting you, then maybe it is best to strike out on your own. You can't change the past, but you can find people who are not so judgmental. I know that there are organizations out there to help people who have been in your situation. Have you found any of them? I think you could benefit a lot from talking to other women who have walked the path that you are now walking.

[Ladi33bug]

Itsallgrand, yes I do see a therapist, as it's stated above, I've experienced some trauma. It can be difficult for me to pick out the guy that loves me verses the guy that doesn't. My life experience is pretty screwed up. I'm 5 months pregnant with a baby girl. I was introduced to his family as well. I guess he was giving me mixed signals. He told me and still tells me how much he loves me. I was going based off his actions I suppose.

[Ladi33bug]

Fortunately, I am currently living with my parents and they are very supportive along with the rest of my family. I am working, i was in school for nursing when I met him but my finances got complicated and I haven't been back for a while. I have been seeking a support group, but I have no transportation and I live in Florida.....I've decided against child support because after being involved with his little ones, I know he'll be supportive. If something happens otherwise and I have no choice then I'll consider it. But I do see that I am somehow trying to prove to myself that I am worthy of love through him and our relationship. I agree. And it's not healthy. I'm finding it so hard to forgive myself.

[Wiseman2]

Excellent. You can't "decide against child support" because it's not for you, it's on behalf of and for your child and the court orders it for your child. It's not money for you.

 

What do you mean "when I met him my finances got complicated"? Great you are home with supportive parents and working. Hopefully save up for a car soon and get back on your feet.

I am currently living with my parents and they are very supportive along with the rest of my family. I am working .I've decided against child support

[dias]

Fortunately, I am currently living with my parents and they are very supportive along with the rest of my family. I am working, i was in school for nursing when I met him but my finances got complicated and I haven't been back for a while. I have been seeking a support group, but I have no transportation and I live in Florida.....I've decided against child support because after being involved with his little ones, I know he'll be supportive. If something happens otherwise and I have no choice then I'll consider it. But I do see that I am somehow trying to prove to myself that I am worthy of love through him and our relationship. I agree. And it's not healthy. I'm finding it so hard to forgive myself.

You know, I really abhor judgmental people, they create this need to prove yourself .What the f**k,right? Judgmental people can erode your confidence very fast. My advice, sever yourself from this man even if he is the father of your child. Sure, single motherhood is hard but staying with him will make your life pretty miserable and hard. Good luck

[Ladi33bug]

Thanks guys! But when I met him wiseman we would go on trips out of town, I just got a new car and I was having a little too much fun. I over spent on trips and we were just friends at the time. No attachment. And to be honest, I was fine with that and was still dating until he told me he wanted me to his self. I fell in love with him and finally agreed to only be with him. Big mistake but lesson learned. He says that he takes this space from me so that i can move on and find someone else. HA! I'm 5 months pregnant, the last thing in the world I'm thinking about is finding someone else and I'm sure he's aware of this. I think once I have the baby he'll be crying for me to come back to him. I have no car and I'm pregnant, he is probably reveling in the fact that I can't do anything but sit around and plan.

[Wiseman2]

Are you broken up or not?

He says that he takes this space from me so that i can move on and find someone else. HA! I'm 5 months pregnant. I think once I have the baby he'll be crying for me to come back to him.

[Ladi33bug]

I honestly have no idea. He hasn't said that. Neither have I but I'm definitely going to just try to let it go. I'm seeing more and more it's just not going to work. He doesn't want me in that way. So I have to accept that and move on.

[Ladi33bug]

He's said that statement about space in the past.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you want to continue living with your parents and working, but he doesn't want to live together or get married and getting pregnant didn't change his mind.

 

However you will have to file for child support whether you decide to continue dating him or not. How old is he and how many other kids does he have?

 

He doesn't want you in what way?

I'm definitely going to just try to let it go. He doesn't want me in that way.

[Ladi33bug]

He's 36, three other children two other mothers and he can't see me in the "this is the love of my life" kind of way. He can't love me whole heartedly, ever because he's too submerged in my past and he's always judging me about it, saying I wanted to be a wh*** and it's in my nature. I can't do better in my life with that kind of negative outlook always breathing down my neck. I had a therapist tell me it's because he loves me so much, but if he loves me then he has to get over it. I haven't given him any reason to think I'm a wh*** other than telling him the truth about my past indiscretions. I didn't have to tell him, I just think it's fair to give people a choice ahead of time. Should I just not tell my next prospect about my past? When is a good time to get that out there? I don't like to be dishonest.

[reinventmyself]

As if you haven't had enough trauma in your life, you are invested in a man who continues to hold it over your head and punish you for it.

I'm glad you're working with a therapist because though you've come along way, you still don't recognize your worth and settle for men that dont respect you.

 

You aren't that person anymore and you need to believe that and choose men who reflect that.

 

You were a victim

A loving man will embrace and support you, not punish you

[Wiseman2]

No, you learned the hard way that it's TMI. Talk to your therapists about your past. Your past may have nothing to do with his feelings. He sounds noncommittal and overextended with too many kids, baby mamas, etc. Also being verbally abusive is about him, not you.

 

Has nothing to do with "honesty" has to do with emotion dumping. Unless you want something out of it like sympathy? Why do you keep saying he "loves you so much"?

Should I just not tell my next prospect about my past?

[holistic17]

You need to get a new therapist! What stupid advice. They are just telling you what they think you want to hear. Someone who calls you disgusting names like that does not have respect or love for you. A man who truly loves you would fully accept your past as it was and focus on giving you all his love and positivity for a new start together. Peiple really do manipulate the use of the word "love". What you can change is how you choose to look at this. By the way, you shouldn't even be thinking about "the next prospect". Your main focus should be on yourself and your baby. You do not need to be dating or have a man in the sidelines. Put yourself first. This guy is a douche and a wimp.

[Ladi33bug]

Well my therapist said he loves me so much. But I guess if I've said it a lot it's because I want to believe it. I don't want to believe I'm pregnant by a man who didn't even so much as love me. Noncommittal is definitely his issue as well as overextended. I'd say he was lucky to have me considering all that, but I definitely don't want sympathy out of it. I just haven't come to terms with it yet. I feel really guilty about my past and I think I use it as a way to push good men away because I don't feel worthy of a good man. When I was raped, I remember thinking "who's gonna want me now?" And from that day I lost confidence in myself as far as marriage, and having a normal life. I just couldn't see how that's possible, I blamed myself for my rape. I snuck out the house that night. I didn't tell me parents. It was something I blamed myself for for 10 years now. My therapist is trying to help me come to terms and stop blaming myself. But it's hard. I just feel like I should've known better.

[Ladi33bug]

Thank you hollistic! I agree, I am going to focus on my baby girl she and I are first and foremost! I just don't want to close myself up to that opportunity if it comes in the far future lol I'm sure I've ran off a lot of great guys so I thought I might help to get some advice in case I run into another one.

[Jibralta]

He's 36, three other children two other mothers and he can't see me in the "this is the love of my life" kind of way. He can't love me whole heartedly, ever because he's too submerged in my past and he's always judging me about it, saying I wanted to be a wh*** and it's in my nature. I can't do better in my life with that kind of negative outlook always breathing down my neck. I had a therapist tell me it's because he loves me so much, but if he loves me then he has to get over it. I haven't given him any reason to think I'm a wh*** other than telling him the truth about my past indiscretions. I didn't have to tell him, I just think it's fair to give people a choice ahead of time. Should I just not tell my next prospect about my past? When is a good time to get that out there? I don't like to be dishonest.

 

Calling you a wh*re is NOT an act of love! It's the act of a person who is uncomfortable with his own sexuality--I mean, he sleeps with you and tells you he loves you for two years but is afraid of what his family will think..come on! That's his problem that he's trying to put on you. Like Holistic said, he's a wimp. I don't know what your therapist was thinking when he/she said it's because he loves you.

 

I am not sure when, in a new relationship, it would be best to broach the subject of your past. But I do know that if I were in your shoes, I would want to be honest about it, too. I want someone who loves me for me, warts and all. I have no time for anything else, and neither should you. There are lots of good people out there. I'm sure someone will come along who makes it easy for you!

 

I agree, I am going to focus on my baby girl she and I are first and foremost! I just don't want to close myself up to that opportunity if it comes in the far future lol I'm sure I've ran off a lot of great guys so I thought I might help to get some advice in case I run into another one.

 

Good plan. Focus on raising your daughter and lifting yourself up. It'll put you in a better position to recognize a good guy when you see one.

 

I know you have limited transportation, but maybe there is an internet forum that you could reach out to, where you can talk to people who have had similar experiences, and get feedback from them about how they have made it past similar obstacles. Or, maybe reaching out to some girls who are still struggling would help you. Just a thought.

 

 

[Ladi33bug]

Thank you sooo much jibralta your awesome! I never knew there were so many resources out there for me! After getting all this out today I'm feeling really liberated. I feel so sure of myself and what I want to do. Thank you guys soo much!