Ask ex for meet up but there is distance...

[MUrmillo]

Hi all,

 

I was dumped by my ex one year ago.

 

This was completely my fault. I had always been complacent and despite the fact that she is an absolute perfect girl. I just was not mature enough to meet her emotional needs, took her for granted and did nothing to help our relationship forward. In the end we also became LDR and I got very depressed (found out later this was due to underlying health issues) and she started to lose feelings.

 

I responded very bad to this and pushed her away and we went from 'let's see how it goes, I hope it works out' to 'maybe in the future but probably not'. I pestered her for around 2 months and then did a month of NC and we decided to stay friends. This was stupid obviously because in a way I was still chasing her because I initiated most of the contact, trying to force a (re)connection and I think she felt this as well.

 

Around October last year I had enough of it and I decided to not contact her anymore.

 

Recently she is starting to reach out to me again. Even texted me when I did not reply to her on facebook.

 

I would really want to see her but she lives in the UK and I live in Belgium at the moment. I know her and I also know that she would never take the initiative to ask for a meet up. If we are to ever meet again I know it has to be my initiative... She NEVER takes risks.

 

The things is... I know she is super busy at the moment so I can not ask her to come here... I would be ok with flying to the UK to meet her (flights are very cheap at the moment and I would love to see the city where she lives anyway).... But I obviously do not want to tell her 'yeah I will hop on a plane just for you'.

 

She knows I travel a lot within Europe so would it maybe better to 'lie' and say something along the lines of 'Hey I will probably be in your country soon, let's meet (...)'.

 

What do you guys think? What would be the best way of telling her I would like to meet given these circumstances?

 

Thanks a lot!

[Ms Darcy]

Oh boy. Are you hoping to get back together?

[MUrmillo]

Oh boy. Are you hoping to get back together?

 

In a way I kind of feel moved on but deep down I still have that hope yes.

She is an amazing woman, I have worked on my issues and feel happier than ever before.

[DrkHrt]

This is a tricky one because it's hard to tell if her 'reaching out' to you really is just her being friendly. I mean, you have to be prepared to accept that maybe she only wants to be your friend and if that's the case, there's nothing you can do to change that.

But then, it sounds like you have nothing to lose.

I personally would be proactive here and just say that you'd like to meet up and that a visit to the U.K would be fun as you would get to have a trip and see her at the same time (be careful how you word it otherwise it might sound creepy or stalker-ish).

My ex is the same- they usually wouldn't take the initiative themselve, and I have found that I have to say/do certain things myself. Some exes actually like to see the other person take this initiative- done correctly, it can be very attractive. It's not WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it. Don't be pushy or act desperate. Suggest coming to the U.K. as something exciting and fun for both of you. Treat it as a catch-up rather than anything too deep.

And if she still only wants to be your friend, you will know. It's been over a year now so by now, her feelings will be clear enough. In the very end you can say you tried, which is much more digestible to thinking 'what if'?

Good luck x

[MUrmillo]

This is a tricky one because it's hard to tell if her 'reaching out' to you really is just her being friendly. I mean, you have to be prepared to accept that maybe she only wants to be your friend and if that's the case, there's nothing you can do to change that.

But then, it sounds like you have nothing to lose.

I personally would be proactive here and just say that you'd like to meet up and that a visit to the U.K would be fun as you would get to have a trip and see her at the same time (be careful how you word it otherwise it might sound creepy or stalker-ish).

My ex is the same- they usually wouldn't take the initiative themselve, and I have found that I have to say/do certain things myself. Some exes actually like to see the other person take this initiative- done correctly, it can be very attractive. It's not WHAT you do, it's HOW you do it. Don't be pushy or act desperate. Suggest coming to the U.K. as something exciting and fun for both of you. Treat it as a catch-up rather than anything too deep.

And if she still only wants to be your friend, you will know. It's been over a year now so by now, her feelings will be clear enough. In the very end you can say you tried, which is much more digestible to thinking 'what if'?

Good luck x

 

 

Completely agree with you, a very good message

 

Will take a walk and then come up with how I will frame my message.

 

More advice is very welcome

[MUrmillo]

By the way, if she would say no then I will probably end our 'friendship'.

 

I think there is no point of staying in touch with someone who keeps you at a distance.

[DrkHrt]

Very wise MUrmillo... I don't really believe in exes being 'friends' anyway. Most of the time it's impossible to view that person without seeing them as your love.

I have made it clear to my ex that once he walks away this time, that's it. I cannot stand by and be the ex who settled for being the 'friend' like some kind of consolation prize.

There is nothing wrong with fighting for your love- just do it the right way. Respect their space, give them time and once you know you have done everything and it's not going anywhere, walk away gracefully and accept it wasn't meant to be. You never know, there may be another girl who is truly meant for you.

[Wiseman2]

What would be the goal of the meetup? Reconciliation? Catching up? It doesn't matter if you make up a story to see her or not. If she doesn't want a visitor it's pointless. Also beware the friendzone and wasting more time not finding nice local women who would in fact want a relationship.

[MUrmillo]

What would be the goal of the meetup? Reconciliation? Catching up? It doesn't matter if you make up a story to see her or not. If she doesn't want a visitor it's pointless. Also beware the friendzone and wasting more time not finding nice local women who would in fact want a relationship.

 

For me the goal would be to hopefully reconnect and reattract.

[MUrmillo]

So today will be the day.

 

Any last words of advice?

[MUrmillo]

Update:

 

We chatted a bit about what we have been up to for the past days. It seems like she is still single and very busy, just like me. I told her I will be in the country soon where she is living now and asked her to meet...Unfortunately she will be going back to her family for a while in her home country. She then asked me when I specifically wanted to come. This is still undetermined for me so I told her to get back at her

She did mention that she wants to come to the city where I live some day which I guess is a positive thing.

 

I will put the ball in her court by telling her to tell me when she is back in the UK again and when she then is available. If she does not want to make definiate plans then I will redraw the offer and go back to NC.

[No1]

If I remember...this is the one perfect girl for you but you kept her at a distance, and she wanted a relationship with you and you said no. It wasnt until she left that you realized she was perfect... did I get the story right?

 

NOW... you are being selfish again. Yes, you are being selfish. It is over, you had your chance and you blew it. You had her and you didnt want her and you let her go and now you want it your way again by saying "if you dont want a relationship, then I will end our 'friendship'" Well, you just want every thing to go your way dont you?

[MUrmillo]

If I remember...this is the one perfect girl for you but you kept her at a distance, and she wanted a relationship with you and you said no. It wasnt until she left that you realized she was perfect... did I get the story right?

 

NOW... you are being selfish again. Yes, you are being selfish. It is over, you had your chance and you blew it. You had her and you didnt want her and you let her go and now you want it your way again by saying "if you dont want a relationship, then I will end our 'friendship'" Well, you just want every thing to go your way dont you?

 

I did want her, I really did. I was just blocking the natural progress of our relationship because I felt I needed to fix some things about myself first before going to that next step...

 

Is it selfish to say no to friendship with an ex? I don't see it like that to be honest... That friendship would be based on a lie... That I am perfectly fine with being friends...

[No1]

It sounds like you are going into this waving the friendship flag tho. Have you told her that if you see her, you want to get back together in a relationship? Or are you pretending to be her friend, THEN going to see if she is willing to get back.

 

I agree that you dont have to be friends if you dont want to be, just dont pretend to be her friend to get what you want.

[MUrmillo]

Thank you for your reply No1.

 

I kind of want to keep that part in the dark. I am not going to tell her 'we can meet but it really will be as just friends'. IF I actually meet her I will not hold back... She is a beautiful woman with an amazing personality and I will treat her as such, I am not going to pretend not to be attracted to her.

 

I never had any problems in the seducing/attraction part of the love process and I will definitely make sure that I will be at my very best.

 

There is nothing more than that for me to do. I can only be as charming as I possibly can be, show are all of the traits that once attracted her to me, show none of the traits that turned her off and also show her the changes that I made without actually literally saying it. I just want to have fun with her and if that will turn out to be not enough then I can at least say I tried everything and back to NC it will be then.

[No1]

You are playing a game without thinking of the girls feelings and how it would affect her.

[MUrmillo]

Hmm... What part makes you think I am playing a game if I may ask?

[No1]

Hmm... What part makes you think I am playing a game if I may ask?

 

Have you thought what happens IF you get her to like you again? Are you just focused in getting her back or have you thougth of what would happen if you get her to like you? You brought up the concern that you are in another country and she is in the UK. So you get her to like you..

 

Then what??

 

Are you going to move? Have you planned out your fianances? Job? when you would move or what area? How often you would see her? How are you going to pay for that? You said this is the girl of your dreams so everything must be on you. You are the one that will have to show her that you mean it. This is not just about your EGO. I remember when you had her and you pushed her away and she will remember how she felt when you broke her heart.. so how will you show her?

 

Its really easy to get someone to like you, but keeping it up is the hard part. If its about your EGO, then you will do the absolute minimum and her heart will be broken again.

[MUrmillo]

Have you thought what happens IF you get her to like you again? Are you just focused in getting her back or have you thougth of what would happen if you get her to like you? You brought up the concern that you are in another country and she is in the UK. So you get her to like you..

 

Then what??

 

Are you going to move? Have you planned out your fianances? Job? when you would move or what area? How often you would see her? How are you going to pay for that? You said this is the girl of your dreams so everything must be on you. You are the one that will have to show her that you mean it. This is not just about your EGO. I remember when you had her and you pushed her away and she will remember how she felt when you broke her heart.. so how will you show her?

 

Its really easy to get someone to like you, but keeping it up is the hard part. If its about your EGO, then you will do the absolute minimum and her heart will be broken again.

 

Thank you for clarifying this No1.

 

This is not about ego for me. If it was, I would have given up a long time ago...

 

Are you going to move?

I would be willing to yes.

 

Have you planned out your fianances?

Working on it, entered the job market just one year ago so my reserves are not that thick yet.

 

Job?

Setting up my own business at the moment (very early stages) which is completely online. Even if that would not work out I am quite flexible in where I can find work. I have already looked for opportunities in her city in the past.

 

when you would move or what area?

Whenever that would feel right for the both of us

 

How often you would see her?

Till that time I could fly every few weeks

 

How are you going to pay for that?

Flight to her country are so cheap from my city that taking her for dinner would actually cost me more

 

You said this is the girl of your dreams so everything must be on you. You are the one that will have to show her that you mean it. This is not just about your EGO

Agreed

 

I remember when you had her and you pushed her away and she will remember how she felt when you broke her heart.. so how will you show her?

It is not about me showing her, it is about her being open to me showing her.

 

Its really easy to get someone to like you, but keeping it up is the hard part. If its about your EGO, then you will do the absolute minimum and her heart will be broken again.

If there is one thing I will not let happen again then it is her being heart broken again... Sometimes I still feel a sting in my heart when I think about her in tears... Her tears left a scar on my heart and they still haven't healed...

 

She is the most amazing person I have ever met and I ruined it all completely. It is absolutely not because of my ego, it is because I want her back and I am now the man that she always wanted me to be... If I was like this when we met I would now be sitting next to her, holding her hand.

[No1]

Then rather pretending to be a friend, just tell her what you want. She has had time to think about what she wants or what she doesnt want. Show her respect and be honest instead of playing the friendship game. Dont give ultimatums, just say what you want.. then let her decide.

[MUrmillo]

Then rather pretending to be a friend, just tell her what you want. She has had time to think about what she wants or what she doesnt want. Show her respect and be honest instead of playing the friendship game. Dont give ultimatums, just say what you want.. then let her decide.

 

I will eventually tell her what I want. I just feel that it is too early right now. I want to see her first. Throwing all my cards on the table right now would probably only scare her away.

 

Even if I could just see her for one day, I want her to experience that I truly am a better man now, that I have taken care of myself and my life. She left me in a bad state and before but especially after the break up I have given her enough reason to cement her opinion that breaking up with me was the right thing. To be honest... Breaking up with me was indeed the right thing. For her but also for me. I was never going to work on my issues. I needed this huge kick in the balls, in a weird way, this is also the best thing that could have happened for me...

 

It is just a shame if she would only remember the guy she walked out on and would never meet the guy I am now.

[MUrmillo]

Update:

 

We are both not completely sure on our schedules but she said it was cool that I was coming and seemed to be open to the idea of meeting. I guess it will happen somewhere next month. My fears of her already seeing someone else apparantly were false.