Should I tell my husband about my Affair with a lesbian?

[JamisonStorm]

Hi I'm Jamie and I am at a difficult crossroad in my marriage and could use another persons perspective. I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have been together for 16 years. Overall we're good together, like any marriage we have our challenges. I love my husband and son and do not want to hurt them. We sometimes fight and have cooled off in the bedroom department, mostly this is my fault, I have gained weight and do not feel sexy and getting out of my own head is hard. But I do try. Last year I lost my brother unexpectedly at age 33. It was a huge blow, I was extremely depressed and overwhelmed with grief. I live in NY but am from Michigan. I drove back to Flew back to Michigan to be with my parents and siblings. When the news came my husband was in Scotland on business he immediately started wrapping things up and planned on coming home to be there for me. On my first night home I went out with my brother to get a drink. One turned into four, he left and I headed to the parking lot, and drove to the hotel I was staying at. On my way in I saw the hotel bar and decided to go in. To my surprise I ran into an old friend from high school and I stayed. Beers turned to shots and that's when things really went off the rails. We closed down the bar and I was hammered as was she so Simce she couldn't drive my I offered to let her stay at with me till morning. We went to my room and I honestly blacked out. When I woke the next morning Claire and I were both naked in my bed and her body was draped over mine. I smelled like sex, was a little sore. My makeup was half on my face and half on hers. And then along with a killer headache I had a very foggy memory of having sex with Claire. I was shocked at my behavior, but I was so lonely and sad. The next night when Claire showed up at my door I let her in and we had sex again. It felt good to be with someone and feel loved. I slept with her the next night also. It took three days for my husband to get back in the states, but when he did I felt horrible and told Claire I was done. I am not a cheater or at least I wasn't. I guess I'm bisexual, though I didn't realize it. Over the last ten months I have felt terrible and focused on making my marriage better. My husband is currently really happy. He doesn't know I am hiding this secret, he doesn't know I'm struggling with my sexuality, he suspects nothing is wrong. I feel like I should tell him what I did, and what I am, but I'm terrified it will hurt him deeply and he might leave me. So my question is should I tell him and possibly hurt him, or do I just suffer in silence and let him be happy? Would you want to know? I don't know what to do?

 

Confused Jamie

[Matt3939]

I'm sorry to hear about your brother. I think cheating is cheating with any gender. I think you should tell him. Hopefully luck is on your side but there is no difference between bi or straight when it comes to STDs. You don't even know this lady and could have given your husband something by now. For that reason he should be able to make an informed decision about your recent actions. Good luck

[SherrySher]

Welcome to ENA.

Yes Jamie, you need to tell him. A betrayal to your partner is bad enough but what is worse, is hiding and lying about it. This man deserves your honesty. It sounds as though you had a difficult time with stress and yes you reached out for someone else. But cheating is cheating and at some point you did make a conscious decision to be with this woman. Now it's only fair to be honest with your husband.

I think what all people should realise is, if your partner is with you, they should be with you because they chose to be, not because they were fooled into it.

What I mean by this is, if you chose to be with this woman, it's only fair now that he has all the information and can make his own decision on if he wants to continue or not.

Anything less is a lie and is not fair to him at all.

By the way, I am sorry for your loss.

And finally, once you tell him, explain it like you did here so he's aware of everything. Consider marriage counselling as well if both of you do want to continue.

Best of luck to you.

[johnsmith2]

I comprehend your agony. Genuineness is critical, however desire and sexual fulfillment is something we as a whole look for. However, in the event that desire is the thing that affection is, then we've all come up short. An astute man once stated, "There is no more prominent love than for [someone] to lay his/her life down for a companion." As outrageous as this may be, it's a question we need to ask ourselves. Would you give your life for your youngsters? Assuming this is the case, then they are the place your concentration ought to be. The initial step to recuperating is pardoning yourself for the untruths, else you won't have the capacity to acknowledge absolution from your significant other.

[vtech]

You've come to the right place to for guidance, Jamie. However, I am sure the common theme/responses you will receive will say that you need to tell your husband what has transpired. If you contracted some kind of sexually transmitted disease in the process, then had sex with your husband, he may have contracted it as well. He deserves to know about what has happened, not only for both of your mental healths, but also for his physical health. Please do the right thing.

 

Best of luck.

[IAmFCA]

Narrowly speaking, if your spouse will never find out and there are no health issues, and its over, then keep the affair to yourself, spare your spouse the pain, and process your own thoughts, guilt, pain etc privately.

 

Other aspects may need to be told - things that will color your relationship going forward.

 

Your partner isnt jury judge and executioner.

 

Share what can be constructive on a go forward basis, or if you need a change in terms.

[JamisonStorm]

I did have a serious concern over STDs, when we got back I had a full panel run on myself to ensure that I was still clean, and I did not have sex with him till it came back. Thanks for the feedback.

[Wiseman2]

Go to therapy alone to explore all this on your own first, before blurting things out in a confused 'true confessions' manner. The body image problem, not "feeling loved" lack of marital sex, drinking, etc. It's doubtful your husband "hasn't noticed" the drop off in sex.

 

Confessing a drunken hook up will change your marriage for the worse, as you know. Perhaps get in therapy to find out why that happened and the underlying reasons. Maybe you are bisexual, maybe you are desperate and lonely in your marriage... find out for yourself unless you are ready for divorce which may happen from blurting this out without reasoning or a concrete plan.

 

Sometimes people trust the burden onto their spouses to resolve their own guilt or mixed feelings or worse, deliver a passive-aggressive message that they are not happy..

I love my husband and son and do not want to hurt them. We sometimes fight and have cooled off in the bedroom department, mostly this is my fault, I have gained weight and do not feel sexy

 

Beers turned to shots and that's when things really went off the rails.The next night when Claire showed up at my door I let her in and we had sex again. It felt good to be with someone and feel loved. He doesn't know I am hiding this secret, he doesn't know I'm struggling with my sexuality, he suspects nothing is wrong.

[Unreasonable]

I think you need to see a therapist first and get yourself figured out. If you honestly never had any thoughts like that before and this came out of the blue, you can't just sweep that under the rug with a "I guess I'm bisexual". If this was a one off and you were certain nothing like this would happen again, and he'd never find out, I might, might, say hold off on telling him, but this is on another level. See a therapist and ask for their advice.

[JamisonStorm]

I think you need to see a therapist first and get yourself figured out. If you honestly never had any thoughts like that before and this came out of the blue, you can't just sweep that under the rug with a "I guess I'm bisexual". If this was a one off and you were certain nothing like this would happen again, and he'd never find out, I might, might, say hold off on telling him, but this is on another level. See a therapist and ask for their advice.

 

The actual affair happened ten months ago, at the time I was very confused sexually, I actually did see a psychiatrist for about seven months after this. Not just due to my sexual identity but due to my grief at losing my brother. I am not currently confused about my sexuality and did not mean to make it seem so. I am bisexual, I am sexually attracted to women as well as men. It does not change the fact that I am married and in a monogomous relationship. As such, I feel like my sexuality is a moot point. I have to decide if I tell my husband that I had sex on more than one occasion with a lesbian. The affair would be enough of a blow the fact that it was with a woman complicates it. I don't know how he would take that part, if it makes it worse or easier or has no effect?

[Unreasonable]

Well, it depends. Some guys see women as less of a threat, or maybe even arousing. I'm pretty sure my wife experimented with a woman at one point in our marriage. I know for a fact she kissed her and she says that's all that happened, but circumstances lead me to believe there was more. She has since cut off all contact with this woman. And for some reason, I just don't think I'd be as devastated if something happened as if it were a man.

 

However, he may forever worry that won't be satisfied just having hetero sex. I'd also be worried that some other stressor in your life would make you go off the rails. In this case I might be able to say just avoid alcohol, but then you did it again straight up sober.