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I need to stop overthinking this.

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Hey all,

I've been on this forum for a couple of weeks now. Going through my own breakup that happened about 4 months ago now. I explain my situation a little better on the second page of this discussion. She asked for space to focus on herself, school, her future, etc...please read my situation before you give input.




I've done all the right things NC wise as of 2 weeks ago now but as of late I've had a friend of mine come to me to tell me my ex seems to have a new guy in her life. I don't have any concrete evidence of course that it's anything serious or romantic yet, but nonetheless there seems to be a third party because of what they post online.


Stupid enough I did some lurking on him which only burned me in the end and caused me to overthink small things of course, so now I'm feeling totally beat down like I'm back to square one.


I still have her unfriended on everything and now because of this news/my actions I've blocked him everywhere as well just to avoid seeing anything through mutual friends.


I guess I had my hopes up that giving her the space she wanted and needed and her persistence in saying there was no one else/nor did she want a relationship right now caused me to feel like she'd eventually come back to me. I know this is still a possibility and this new guy may very well just be an attention thing for her but I simply can't handle the anxiety of feeling stuck anymore.


What are your suggestions on really truly pushing forward and letting go even if the dumper hinted at a reconnection in the future? I'm trying my best but I still feel some guilt and uneasiness for initiating the NC without telling her. Clearly it isn't bothering her that much as she hasn't said a thing but for whatever reason I don't feel in power over myself anymore like I did prior to hearing this news.


I have issues with over analyzing and overthinking especially when it comes to social media, and it always holds me back from healing 100%. I've had friends suggest I ask her about it but I'm adamant about not breaking my NC streak, and I refuse to wind up embarrassing myself if he truly isn't anything more than a friend. I've not blocked my ex everywhere in order to keep communication lines open, however she is unfriended. I don't want to go on a crazy blocking streak now either and have it seem reactive this late in the game.

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It hurts to be dumped and I am sorry you went through that. After reading your linked post and the post above, I feel that the comes down to odds.

The odds of her coming back to you are probably in the 0-3% range. I think you should drop the lurking on social media, accept that it is 97% likely she won't ever be with you again

and find someone who truly does want to be with you.

The pain of accepting this now will be less than holding on to false hope.



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Thing is that she really didn't hint at reconnecting. She only fed you some platitude about "if it's meant to be then at some point it might be", to do nothing more than soften the blow and pacify you a bit.


She actually told you bluntly and honestly that she is fully focused on her last semester, getting a job, her future career and that she will pursue that to wherever it takes her without any regard or consideration for you. In fact, she specifically doesn't wish for a relationship to stand in her way. What that means, and sorry if I'm being too harsh, is that she does not see a future with you and will not alter her future life plans to include you in her life in any capacity and she acted on that by dumping you.


As for some other guy, who cares. He might be a friend, he might be someone she is casually dating, he might be an fwb type thing. It's none of your business anymore. The fact of the matter, the harsh reality is that it's been 4 months and she hasn't reconsidered or wanted to get back together. It is done. It's been a long time already since break up.


So you accept it's over and move on yourself. She isn't keeping your life on hold, you are. Hold for what? Your ex is holding nothing for you. Go live your life, go date again when you are ready. The some day maybe platitude.....OK so let's say a year from now your ex resurfaces. Well, maybe you are single and interested or maybe you are single and not interested or maybe you have actually met the love of your life and are engaged and don't give a darn about your ex anymore. You don't hold. You just go on living a fabulous life.

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It's a completely normal thing that most people wind up doing checking and almost obsessing over our ex partners social media - BUT, you have to ask yourself, is it serving you any good? The answer is obviously no, or you wouldn't be on here asking for guidance.

I personally think that you're friends shouldn't be updating you on her latest moves, unless you are actually asking them to do this, which is also not the best thing for you.

You're doing really well with NC and you said it yourself, you have to get your own personal power back. The only way to do that is to bit by bit, let your ego anxieties go. We always want control over a breakup and also insight into how our ex partners are coping. All the while hoping they are missing us. They might do, but people react and cope in various ways. Try to forget about what she might be doing and focus on healing yourself. I'm doing this shift within myself at the moment and I'm telling you, you will feel a lot lighter and free when you give up control and focus on yourself only. You deserve the best partner you could wish for, and whoever that may be, you want to be the best version of yourself. So pick yourself up slowly, learn from your own thoughts and behaviours that you think hold you back, then live for you!

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You just need to let go of this and move on and really move on, not just play games like "tell" her that you are doing NC in order to get a rise from her but actually just do it and move on for yourself and your mental well being.


Well written post BTW. SHIFT your focus.

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