I don't know but I feel like I'm an idiot

[Aussiechef]

This is kinda my little diary, I write in notes on my phone it kind of helps me, I add to this almost daily... I feel kinda sad... like a loser I mean..

 

I'm suffering through depression about it all

 

There's no one else in this world that means anything close to what she means to me I wish life could have been different I loved her so much and still do.. I wish I didn't because it wouldn't tear me apart every day and cause sleepless nights.. she is amazing everything about her makes me weak, her hair, her smile, her cute ways even her emotional times! All I wanted was that woman but I couldn't hold onto her I mean "we were going different directionss" yet the only direction I wanted to go was her But I didn't treat her right she said she never felt first.. I regret not making her feel more loved. That woman could always make me smile without even trying, even just by looking at her would make me smile. I would take a bullet for her and if I could I would give her the world! I can't help but always want her in my life still but I feel as if now I'm a blockade to her moving forward and that's the last thing I want... I would never be able to handle seeing her with another man, it would tear me to shreds but I know that I need to accept the fact that that's the way it's going to be. But it's so hard. I think about her every minute of every day.. and I need to stop messaging her so often so she can move forward with her life.. but she has stolen my heart and for the first real time EVER can I truely say that I have fallen truely in love with someone. She's the person that gives me a reason.. I don't want to live without her in my life but I don't want to be a burden on her she is amazing and I can't even put it into words how much she truely is.. i could marry her, so happily! But I can't tell her how much I care any more, how much I love her, how I get butterflies every time I see her face/ hear her voice... I wouldn't care if she was 1000kgs she is the love of my life..... I don't want to have anyone else but you know that's not possible any more. Anyway moving forward i need to try to let her go her go without me being a burden she has been the most amazing thing in my life ever and I'm so crazy about her... she's so special to me, she's the one that makes me feel complete... there is no one else in this world that can even compare to her but as I said perviously I need to let her move on with life and let her find someone that will lover her as much as I love her... but I feel I can't leave her alone because I wouldn't be able to survive without her But i don't want to be that guy anymore that loves someone so deeply and they don't feel the same... she's the only one. spending time with her is so good! It makes me feel so happy and all I want is to see her face! There's no comparison to her beauty and the way that she makes me feel. She's a one in a million type of person I would honestly give her the world and change everything for her! I trust her more than anyone and I know she is there for me no matter what.. it just kills me that I'm not what she wants.. last night I had a break down and she chased after me and comforted me.. she said "we are best friends" and it felt like someone had grabbed my heart in their fist and were squeezing it as hard as they could! There's no actual words that could even closely describe the love I have for her. I honestly would have married her and had 0 regrets as she was the one that filled a massive missing space in my heart. There's so much I wish I could change and I Wish I could tell her it all but It would only make things worse. The pain is so deep. I wish everything was different. There's only one thing In my life that would make me feel complete and I feel that it is her! I want the best for her and that is what I will give her untill I'm replaced which will eventually happen and then I don't know what I will do. I wish I could handle it. it all gets to much sometimes! I just wish I didn't break down, I have never let anyone see me so vulnerable.. I don't need any walls with her... she is the reason I smile, the reason I cry.. I don't need to be anyone I'm not when I'm with her there's something about her that makes me feel invincible and when I'm with her I feel like the luckiest man alive.. I want to tell her everyday how much I miss her because I really do so much! I miss her touch, I miss her smell! I want to be the guys that she loves but I'm not and I get it! Buts it's hard to comprehend for me. She can always make me happy and I wish she could be happy... I hate seeing her down and I feel that if I didn't love her so much it would help her.

 

From the bottom of my heart I love her beyond words she deserves the best in this world and I hope she gets it. Because she more than anyone deserves it. I would do anything for her even though she isn't mine. All I want is her to be happy. I feel I hurt her by loving her.

Which I don't understand.. but she says she doesn't want to hurt me! But all honesty life hurts. And no matter what I'll always love her and care about her. She is my everything.

 

 

She told me she loves me but not in that way. I want to jump off a cliff.. it's not her fault the picture literally says how I feel. I wish I could kiss her... I wish I could hold her... I wish I could make her feel special. I wish I knew what made her change her feelings for me.. what did I do.. why does life love to beat me down with a stick so much. I hate life not being able to tell the woman of my dreams I love her. I hate that by me loving her I hurt her! It destroys me on the inside. Honestly just it! I can't and won't hurt her anymore. So it I don't want to be that guy like I said before! I'm not going to hurt her anymore. But I can't not love her! I have tried! She makes me feel like I'm 5, I get so excited when I get to see her! Or speak to her! I haven't ever felt so strongly about my feelings for someone! I miss her every day.

 

I apparently drive her mad Nowa days, just by caring. I give up seriously she's the only one that matters to me and I hate the fact that I'm pushing her away by caring. I wish I could walk away and just not give a ! But that would be too easy! My mind needs to me over all the time doesn't it! Sometimes I wish that I never fell so hard for her, but then I think about how she made my life 200 times better. If only I could fix my life now because I feel I'm in a downhill spiral. I'm hurting on the inside so much and I want to tell her how much I love her and want To be with her! I would do everything for her. There wouldn't even be a question, it's ing crazy but I just wish she loved me the way that I love her, but as life goes she doesn't. I need to stop caring because it kills me? She's completely fine with our breakup. Yeah she did hurt for a while but not the hurt I'm feeling still after so ing long! I don't want it anymore! Ever again !! At all love comes with pain, and it walks away with so much more. I feel like the saddest person being so head over heels for someone who doesn't love me... but as I have said before that's the way life goes. I feel like giving up! But I feel I need to be here for when she is down... I want to be there for her! I need to be strong for her! Even though it hurts me.

 

 

What do I do? How do I stop the pain?

[gebaird]

The only way to stop this pain is to make a clean break. It will hurt like hell, but if you keep seeing her and talking to her your wounds will never heal. You are only hurting yourself by staying in her life.