Joking or put down

[Daisy78]

Sometimes when visiting a bar or shop with my boyfriend of three months he'll jokingly say stuff like ''I don't need a bag I have one here ''... things like that . Is it a put down trying to knock my confidence or a joke?

[SherrySher]

I personally don't find that funny, it's degrading. A sense of humour should be witty and intelligent, if a person has to make jokes at the expense of someone else there's something wrong with them and it's not funny.

[franciss]

Wow, what a charmer! It doesn't really matter how he means it. It's hurtful and not at all funny. I wouldn't date a guy who spoke to me that way.

[SherrySher]

I agree, no way would I date a guy who thought it was okay to toss me under the bus for some laughs...no thanks.

[notalady]

Unless he's referring to the fact that you have a bag and you carry stuff for him... otherwise yes it's degrading

[Krankor]

It can be hard to say where exactly the line is between banter and good-natured teasing and mean-spirited put downs, but I think most people know the difference when they see it.

 

Bottom line, this guy's "humor" doesn't make you feel good. When he does it again, just tell him to knock it off. If you are met with "Geez I'm just kidding" or "Can't you take a joke" just reiterate in a flat, even, but firm tone "I don't care. I don't appreciate that kind of humor." If he respects that, great. Maybe he really just thought he was bantering and is willing tone it down to appropriate levels. If he persists, then he is OK with hurting you, or even intends to. In that case, drop him.

[Capricorn3]

Downright rude and degrading (imo). I love a good sense of humor but this guy doesn't seem to be able to tell at which point it crosses the line. Tell him to knock it off and mean it.

[j.man]

I mean no worse than the hundred times I've gone to a store and when the clerk asks if we want help out or if there's a larger item we'd like a bag for and insert girlfriend has said, "That's why I brought him." Or the million other times guys are jokingly commodified to carry / reach / put stuff in their pockets.

 

Not that it's a complaint from me. I don't find it terribly "funny haha" but it's kind of the girlfriend equivalent of a dad joke at this point. If for some reason the joke actually characterizes the relationship, then yeah, I can see how you're not happy with it. If you happen to carry a big ass purse with you, then I wouldn't take it too personally.

 

Either way, as Krankor stated, if it's a joke you don't like, then just let him know you don't like it. Or, if his humor is all around unenjoyable, you'd probably be better just cutting your losses given how early in you two are.

[Matt3939]

Are you of the genus Macropus? If so how did you achieve human typing skill? Did you beat humans to transcendence? If you did I'm sure you mastered some yo momma jokes to beat this guy back with. Good luck

[j.man]

Are you of the genus Macropus? If so how did you achieve human typing skill? Did you beat humans to transcendence? If you did I'm sure you mastered some yo momma jokes to beat this guy back with. Good luck

Matt it's like 9am and you're already gassed.

[Wiseman2]

Add "insults disguised as jokes" this to the list of red flags.

after 2 dates he told me he has strong feelings for me

tells me that I need to put on weight

I also lent him money to pay an overdue bill which he hasn't paid me back

I'm confused as I now think he might be trying to control me.

[Matt3939]

Jman in the middle of a 24+hr work day so who knows what will happen.

[j.man]

Add "insults disguised as jokes" this to the list of red flags.

Jesus. And OP decides to make a post about being called a bag?

 

I'm leaving these forums forever.

[radiance]

The fact is, different people have different senses of humour and ideas of what's funny and what's unacceptable. If you don't like these kind of jokes, the first thing you should do is tell your bf how it makes you feel, if he cares about your feelings he'll stop saying them.

[ParisPaulette]

Next time he does it make a joke about small penises or say something like, "Well, that's fair. I bought my wallet with me, pay up dear." And see what he says.

 

My rule: if they're gonna dish it they have to be able to take it. So dish back, hard, and see what happens. If he gets upset dump him for being a sensitive crybaby who can't take what he gives out.

 

Personally though I'd have already dumped him. I don't do mean humor and I don't hang out with people who do. But definitely speak up or the fat jokes and not so subtle put-downs are coming.

 

P.S. If you were a guy and the girl was the one doing this I'd have also given you the same advice. Don't put up with that crap or else be able to sling those arrows with the best of them. There is no middle ground, from my own experience.

[SherrySher]

24 hour work day? What!? Wow Matt..hope you take it easy.

[j.man]

I completely agree with Paris in that if he's willing to dish them out, he should be able and willing to receive them. It's what separates someone joking with you with someone bullying you.

 

That said, I disagree with the rebutting idea for a couple reasons.

 

One, it simply doesn't seem to be you. Assuming he was keen to play along, it'd only mean he pokes fun at you more.

 

Secondly, unless you're in some sort of roast battle, you should be able to be the butt of a joke without needing to engage in some form of t1t for tat. That's pettiness, not humor. There's a reason humor and humility very often go hand in hand. My girlfriend and I tease each other all the time but have never felt compelled to get catty back and forth with each other in front of the register at Walgreens.

 

It's not the joke that's the issue, but the context of the relationship. Given your previous threads, you've obviously got some cause to not take any of the guy's quips as light-hearted humor. Not faulting you there. What I'd hate is for you to subsequently and instinctively associate any sort of teasing from (hopefully) other future guys as them being the ***hole this man obviously is, hence why I'm speaking to the matter generally. Case in point, when my girlfriend jokes about me being the one to carry something, it doesn't bother me because I know she doesn't see me as a bipedal pack mule. If your guy calling you a bag (???) makes you feel like a bag, there's much more going on than a nonsensical joke.

[DancingFool]

When it comes to jokes, context matters. But I guess that if it was some private joke between you two about your love for enormous, luggage sized purses, you wouldn't be on here asking if he is being derogatory to you.

 

If it feels bad, it is.

 

Given all the other stuff regarding this guy, I only have one question for you: Why are you still dating him????!!!!!

 

Sounds like you are truly playing the game of how low will you go just to have some a hole in your life you can call a bf.

[Daisy78]

I completely agree with Paris in that if he's willing to dish them out, he should be able and willing to receive them. It's what separates someone joking with you with someone bullying you.

 

That said, I disagree with the rebutting idea for a couple reasons.

 

One, it simply doesn't seem to be you. Assuming he was keen to play along, it'd only mean he pokes fun at you more.

 

Secondly, unless you're in some sort of roast battle, you should be able to be the butt of a joke without needing to engage in some form of t1t for tat. That's pettiness, not humor. There's a reason humor and humility very often go hand in hand. My girlfriend and I tease each other all the time but have never felt compelled to get catty back and forth with each other in front of the register at Walgreens.

 

It's not the joke that's the issue, but the context of the relationship. Given your previous threads, you've obviously got some cause to not take any of the guy's quips as light-hearted humor. Not faulting you there. What I'd hate is for you to subsequently and instinctively associate any sort of teasing from (hopefully) other future guys as them being the ***hole this man obviously is, hence why I'm speaking to the matter generally. Case in point, when my girlfriend jokes about me being the one to carry something, it doesn't bother me because I know she doesn't see me as a bipedal pack mule. If your guy calling you a bag (???) makes you feel like a bag, there's much more going on than a nonsensical joke.

 

Thanks for your advice... it's just that he really plays the perfect gentleman in ways like opening doors for me, making sure I'm safe and everyone thinks he is wonderful and caring.

He's always saying I am gorgegous and beautiful and that he feels he is '' punching above his weight''.. Very confusing ...

[ParisPaulette]

I just peeked at your other threads on this guy. Oh gosh, I missed that altogether. Seriously, why are you with this guy at all? And yes, he's putting you down coupled with his other behaviors.

 

Context is everything. My sisters and I can quip about things like that and we have whole little routines, but we love each other to bits and are never mean to one another. And lord help anyone else who would do that my sis.

 

But taken together with the other things about this guy, I'm at a loss why you haven't just ended things. You know if you have to keep posting on a forum, "Is this thing my partner did okay?" then the short answer is always going to be a resounding NO.

 

Bluntly speaking, he's showing red flags of the abusive kind. The sly little "joke" put-downs are the least of it. Did he ever pay you back for the phone bill he should have been able to afford in the first place. Why are you loaning people money you barely know, and no three months in, you still barely know this guy. And his so-called "concerns for your safety" and urging you to change the way you dress as if you're a two-year-old and can't be independent and take care of yourself? Yeah, what about that being a total controlling red flag do you not get? Next thing you'll be posting on here is how he wants you to buy a car and is telling you you can't hang out with your friends or family - all traits of someone abusive BTW.

 

I'm sorry, the "jokes" are the least red flag out of anything. Why are you still with this guy at all? We all keep telling you to leave, so why won't you. You do know this is only going to get worse, right?

[JaggerJim]

Lol it's just a joke!

 

Is this something to get upset over??

[j.man]

Thanks for your advice... it's just that he really plays the perfect gentleman in ways like opening doors for me, making sure I'm safe and everyone thinks he is wonderful and caring.

He's always saying I am gorgegous and beautiful and that he feels he is '' punching above his weight''.. Very confusing ...

Dude, I open doors for everyone and I'm one of the biggest ***holes I know. Don't put so much weight behind a guy opening the door to K Mart or him sending you a "did you make it home OK?" text. These are very basic, minimal effort things. You're seeing where he falls dramatically short, and it's on matters of substance... e.g. essentially calling you fat, taking your money without proactively laying you back, now cracking crude jokes without the raport.

 

Seriously. Opening doors and paying for dinners isn't what makes a man a good man. Learn to look past these things because the red flags are flapping right into your face.