Can he really be that Busy?

[LifesDetour]

I am new to eNotAlone but want to jump on in with this new thread. I will apologize for the long post now.

 

Can the man I have been seeing really be that busy?

 

I am 3 years widowed- my husband of 24 years died in January 2014 after a short battle with ALS. In the past two years, I have gone out with friends and a couple of blind dates, but nothing serious. My children know that I have dated and it is a non-issue for them. I decided to set up on-line profile for 3 months and try this (October 2016). Met a man from out of town (Tom) and we get along great. We have met and dated but we are friends as opposed to being in a "serious committed" relationship. We talk by phone, have met for drinks and text each other often.

 

While dating Tom, I continued to have my online profile - and he did too. About a week before my subscription would expire (Dec 2016), I saw a profile for Mike. He is good looking, his profile pictures showed a doting dad and well dressed business man. We emailed through the on-line forum and then decided to meet so we exchanged phone numbers. We met for the first time on Jan 4, 2017 for coffee. Met at 8:15am and talked until about 10:45. We were both engaged in many different topics. I could not stop smiling the whole time. I thought that he was attractive, very well spoken man, has a wonderful laugh, intelligent and we both asked a lot of questions. As it turns out, he has been visiting the church where I work and attend, he is visiting a Sunday school class that my late husband's law partner teaches, and I had recalled actually meeting him a year before. We went to dinner that Saturday and saw each other in the hallway at church on that Sunday. He called the next week and texted a couple of times. As the weeks have progressed, we have gone to lunch a few times and in February, we attended a Charity Ball (formal event), we have seen each other at church and have talked and texted a few times. I have since, let me subscription run out and I am not currently "on-line". We talk about current events and personal stuff (like his ex and my late husband and even the fact that his mom and dad are both aging with illness and that I am having a problem with my ear (hearing loss).

 

Ok a little back story. Mike has been divorced for 6 years with filing have come 2 years before the divorce was final in 2011. He got custody of all the girls. All 4 of them. The current ages are 21, 19, 16 & 12. The two oldest are in college, the 16 year old is living with friends to be able to finish high school in her home town (out of state) and the youngest is with Mike. Single dad who has had to be Mom and Dad. Ex-wife is out of state and has Borderline Personality Disorder. Also, Mike is in his second year of law school - full time. Wow. He is busy. I am a widowed mother of 2. Daughter who is 25 and out on her own and an 18 year old son getting ready to go to college. My son is very independent and although he lives at home, rarely around except during the week. During our conversations, Mike and I have both said that we didn't want each other meeting our kids because we wanted to make sure that we would be dating - didn't want an instability of multiple people for the kids to meet. But, we also understand that we go to the same church and may run into each other with our children.

 

I do not know where I stand with this guy. His birthday was in February and I mentioned taking him to lunch for his birthday, my treat. He thought that this was a great idea, so we went - this last Saturday(2-25). It was a great lunch and he seemed to enjoy my company. The next day, We met up at church and he asked me to lunch with him and his youngest daughter. I asked "are you sure?" and he said yes. We met at a local restaurant and lunch went great. His daughter was very engaging and delightful. I had a great feeling of peace when I met his daughter. We lunch was other and we parted, he full on hugged me in the presence of his daughter but not a kiss or anything. In Fact - We have never kissed only exchanged hugs. I almost can't contain myself around him and want to kiss him!

 

A couple more things before questions - TOM - the other man that I had dated still calls and we talk every few days or so. I talk to Tom more than Mike but have such an infatuation with Mike that I am giddy when I think about it. Tom knows that I like Mike and that have gone out. Mike does not know about Tom. I had an MRI in connection with trying to figure out what is going on with my ear, He knew I was having it, he has not asked about that, In fact, I haven't heard thing one from him since lunch on Sunday. I know that it is only the wee hours of the morning on Thursday, but dang. The lack of communication between times that we see each other or talk, it two or three days or longer. I met him on January 4 and today is March 2nd, we have never kissed, gone out on about 4 date(he came to pick me up) 4 or 5 lunch dates and one meet up for coffee. Also, I asked him if he still had an on-line profile and he said yes "i paid for 3 months at the beginning of December'. So that profile may go inactive in the next few days.

 

Ok Questions that I have.

1. Can he really be too busy to call or shoot a text to me, follow up with me about my MRI or answer a text about his parents? I think he knows that I am interested because I have texted him, but his answers are not long at all.

2. Does he know "How" to date having been in a marriage with someone with BPD?

3. Should I just point blank ask him is he is attracted to me? I mean we are both adults and I am a big girl, I can handle it.

4. A girlfriend suggested that I build a bogus profile on the dating website to see if he is still on there - should I spend the money to do this just to see if he is trying to find someone better.

5. I truly feel like his is just going out with me as a way to pass the time. If he is not interested then he should let me know right?

 

I do not know what to think. should I continue to be patient? what do you think?

[SherrySher]

Don't play any games, not at this age. Be honest with him and upfront. Let him know you are very interested and want to pursue a serious relationship with him and ask if he feels the same.

That's all you need to do and you will get your answer.

[SherrySher]

Oh, and also welcome to ENA...I hope you find some helpful advice here.

[LifesDetour]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have told a girlfriend about how I feel and she thinks that he is just taking it slow because of where he has been and what he has been through. I get it. I do have fun when we are together but I am losing my patience. Thanks again.

[DancingFool]

If he is in law school, he IS busy. That aside, he may simply be the kind of a person who doesn't need constant contact. Talking every 2-3 days works for him just fine and he doesn't need more than that. Ditto for PDA. If your dates are all very public and you are saying good bye to each other effectively in a crowd of people, then it's hardly a romantic moment for that first kiss.

 

So, maybe try to set up a more intimate date - invite him for a bbq at your house, something like that. Where you two can be relaxed and alone with each other. See if that leads to something.

 

You can always simply ask him where he is at and what he is looking for in general. If you listen, he'll tell you.

 

Whatever you do, do not play goofy games of setting up fake profiles. What will that even get you? He is free to be online and exploring the same way you are exploring and have someone else in the background. You and Mike are not exclusive.

[ParisPaulette]

I know you're infatuated with Mike, but I don't get that he shares your infatuation. For him, you are one more person he's just dating and I'm guessing he's dating others as well even though he tried to downplay it. The whole kind of excuse about his dating profile and how he paid for it is him not so subtly letting you know, that dating profile is not coming down and you best not freak out about that.

 

But you creating a profile to entrap him or spy on him? That just tells me you probably need to slow things way down yourself and not be going into full on insta-relationship with someone you don't know beyond a handful of dates. And yes, to save you time, he's dating other women. That's pretty clear with his excuse about his dating sight. When a guy full on into you, those dating sites go away in a hurry or just get left fallow.

 

Also, not asking about how you're doing after a medical procedure is a bit, to me anyways, cold fish. I mean, I barely know my neighbor and yet when I heard she had to go get tests done and I could see she was scared about it, I put a little card in her mailbox with some flowers telling her I was thinking of her and if she wanted to talk or anything she could always contact me. And that I hoped things would turn out for the best. Good news - she didn't have cancer like she was scared she would.

 

By the way, how did your MRI turn out? I hope that went well, those things suck. I've had them. See I'm interested in that and I'm not even dating you, so yeah I would personally have filed a little, "Well, aren't we a bit self-absorbed and moved on," but then good manners and a bit of empathy are something I look for in people.

 

Beyond that I also consider it a bit of a red flag when a prospective partner tells me all about their terrible/mentally ill/abusive ex before they really know me. Am I your therapist? No. Do I really believe that the divorce was all their ex's fault and they should get brownie points for confiding in me about something I really didn't need to know until way further down the line, IF it ever gets that far? No.

 

Another red flag, why on earth would anyone take their kid on a date, especially after the whole let's not mix our kids together speech? Inconsistency in word and deed? Again, to me a red flag.

 

And please stop telling Tom about your other dates. That's not cool if Tom is still interested in you as a romantic partner,. Would you like Mike telling you all about the other woman he's seeing when you aren't around? No? So don't do that to Tom.

 

It sounds to me like you need to date more and not settle for either Tom or Mike and just slow down and take your time.

[Wiseman2]

Glad things are going well with dating. Stop stringing tom along. You're dating someone else now. It's dating so stop striving for an insta-relationship.

 

He's not your husband. Keep things evolving slow but surely. Try not to get into too many text convos. He wouldn't waste his time or money asking you on dates if he weren't interested so why the insecure "are you attracted?" question?

 

Your gfs suggestion is nasty and paranoid. You are not having sex, you are not even dating exclusively and catfishing to catch him is creepy. His ex's mental issues have nothing to do with you.

 

If you don't like him, don't trust him, think he's not ready to date, etc. then move on. But catfishing, complaining about not being attractive etc is not the way to go about things. How fast to you want this to go?

1. Can he really be too busy to call or shoot a text to me, follow up with me about my MRI or answer a text about his parents?

2. Does he know "How" to date having been in a marriage with someone with BPD?

3. Should I just point blank ask him is he is attracted to me?

4. A girlfriend suggested that I build a bogus profile on the dating website to see if he is still on there

5. I truly feel like his is just going out with me as a way to pass the time.

[Matt3939]

I think the only way to know if he's attracted is to get him out of a public setting. Surprised he hasn't asked you over or something of the sort. He might think you aren't interested though. Sometimes you got to push the wheel to get it rolling.

[j.man]

If you describe someone as your "girlfriend" rather than "friend," don't take relationship advice from them. There's something about who women decide to call that which seems to preclude them from offering good input on this kind of thing pretty much ever.

 

In any case, law school, single parent... yes, he can be that busy. Combine that with the fact he doesn't sound like the type who goes for constant communication anyhow. Up to you whether this is the kind of guy you can see yourself being happy dating without eventually slipping into a pattern of nagging him for not calling or texting enough.

[reinventmyself]

Don't go into dating sizing up a man as `your forever after'

If you enjoy his company . . do so and live in the moment.

You aren't intimate with him. . he seems like he's interested but taking his time. I see nothing wrong with that.

 

Based on his actions and information he has given you get to decide as to whether or not this is working for you.

 

I probably wouldn't have pulled my profile only to put it back up. If he is watching your activity it may give him the wrong message.

You should have kept it up and remained active until which time you have a clearer idea as to where this is going.

 

This is obviously his pace.

The question for yourself is whether or not it works for you.

[LifesDetour]

Yes, I know law school is busy. My late husband was a prominent attorney. I find myself introducing him to many in the legal community. We have had intimate dates where he has picked me up and dropped me off at my home. I have invited him in and he politely refused. I haven't had the opportunity to invite him in again because of 18 year old being there or because it was late and he had to get back home to 12 year old daughter.

 

I have taken a deep breath and realize that goofy games is not where it is at. I would want someone catfishing me.

thank you so much DancingFool!

[LifesDetour]

Oh my goodness, thank you everyone for posting your comments and thoughts. I needed this. I will step back and take a deep breath!

[Gary Snyder]

It sounds like a lot of lunches.... even one with the child....not as romantic as a dinner alone would be.

 

He's either not interested or he forgot how to date, forgot he needs to kiss the woman to take the relationship to the next stage. You need to get him on a very comfortable, romantic date, wear something attractive, and get him on the couch and see if he goes for it.

[Wiseman2]

If you like him it's fine to keep dating but be aware that two single parents dating will have logistical issues like this.

I have invited him in and he politely refused. I haven't had the opportunity to invite him in again because of 18 year old being there or because it was late and he had to get back home to 12 year old daughter.

[Dahl]

Oh my goodness, thank you everyone for posting your comments and thoughts. I needed this. I will step back and take a deep breath!

 

I need to tell myself to do this repeatedly throughout the day, so I heartily endorse the practice.

 

Good luck.

[LifesDetour]

By the way--My MRI turned out perfect. no tumors, lesions or evidence of stroke. Dr. Said I had a beautiful brain!

[KantSleep]

I am glad your MRI went well! A big relief for sure.

 

You stated: "The lack of communication between times that we see each other or talk, is two or three days or longer. I met him on January 4 and today is March 2nd, we have never kissed, gone out on about 4 dates (he came to pick me up) 4 or 5 lunch dates and one meet up for coffee. Also, I asked him if he still had an on-line profile and he said yes "i paid for 3 months at the beginning of December'. "

 

In my humble opinion, too much time has gone by without any physical activity. I was making out with my current BF on date 3. I am in your age bracket - based on your kids ages - maybe a bit older than you. I think he has friend zoned you, based on the lack of communication and no physical contact. I would move along and go back on-line. If he should come around and show more interest, then great. But don't sit back and wait for him. You might even ask him, do you see this going anywhere? After all, you met on a dating site, so there is a certain expectation that one is looking for some kind of relationship, not just a chat or lunch buddy. That said, he must have been at least somewhat interested in you, as you have gone out numerous times. I never did a second get together if the first meet-up didn't yield any interest on my part. So that is a good sign. What isn't a good sign is the relationship isn't progressing. Just my two cents. I could be all wrong. LOL. Good luck.

[LifesDetour]

I finally caved. I called him yesterday around 2pm. It went to voice mail after a while and I left him message and asked him to call me back. I received a text at 9:30am this morning he said "hey, got your message, what's up?" So he doesn't want to talk of the phone so I put it out there in a text.

 

My text to him this morning - I hope you have had a good week. Mike, Having never been in this type of situation, I really don't know what to say, but I have to be honest with you. I enjoy your company very much. Your smile and laughter make me smile, however, your lack of communication makes me believe either you are not interest or attracted to me or you are simply too busy to include me in your life.

 

Here is Mike's conflicting response - very long.

I apologize for not responding. I also enjoy your company and companionship. But my life does not permit me to always respond as quickly or as much as I prefer given the choices I have made prior to meeting you. At any given moment--sometimes predictable and sometimes not so predictable--my priorities are my girls, my parents, aw school, pressing business matters, my health and church. Many of those have sub issues, such as planning for and dealing with elder care for my parents and putting out fires involving my ex. In between this issues, I seek to fulfill my other needs and desires, including making friends and finding the right lady with whom to settle down. But unfortunately, I can't be what everyone would expect or like for me to be. That said, I like you very much but I'm not in a position to commit to an exclusive dating relationship or at the level of giving consistent, quick and meaningful responses each time I receive a text, email or phone call. I try to respond in good order, but can't always do so. Please do not read anything into this as being against you. I pray I have helped explain my current world to you and not made anything more difficult. Also because my daughter Lilly uses my phone and would see all of my incoming messages, I recently turned off the incoming text notification. Of course this also impedes my ability to know when a text has just arrived But I do not know a better way to minimize her knowing my business..

 

(wow, He had TIME to type that all out but didn't want to call me to tell me.) Now what in the world???? If he has these priorities (none of which) listed dating, why did put himself out there?

 

 

I just simply texted back, Thanks for being honest and getting back to me.

 

Ugh! so Frustrating.

 

I guess I will get on with my LifesDetour!

[Wiseman2]

Well you provided him with an exit and he took it. He also defended himself regarding his level of communication, etc..

 

At least you have your answers now that it was brought to a head. He may want dating but not a relationship that text-tethers him a lot. Good thing is, you found out these incompatibilities and deal breakers early on.

He had TIME to type that all out but didn't want to call me to tell me. Now what in the world???? If he has these priorities (none of which) listed dating, why did put himself out there? I just simply texted back, Thanks for being honest and getting back to me.

[youngwoman]

No one is too busy. If a person with a family and children has time to have an affair, don't let a single person tell you they are too busy. They just aren't making you a priority.

[notalady]

In between this issues, I seek to fulfill my other needs and desires, including making friends and finding the right lady with whom to settle down.

 

I like you very much but I'm not in a position to commit to an exclusive dating relationship

 

So to cut the BS, this is the only important bit of his message that stood out to me. He IS looking for the right lady to settle down with, and he likes you, BUT he doesn't want to commit to an exclusive dating relationship....with you. The last bit he left out, as most would, so as to not be intentionally hurtful. But ignoring all the fluff, that's essentially what he's saying. With the right woman, he probably would make time for an exclusive relationship, but not in this instance.

 

Glad you asked the question and got your answer so you can stop wasting time on him.

[katrina1980]

He said he doesn't want anything exclusive but I don't see where you said you wanted exclusive. You just asked for more communication. Which is understandable. So that part of his message sounded very presumptuous.

 

That being said, I would not have left that message for him. Two months of lunches and no kisses? Busy schmizy, sounds like he's got some "issues" beyond being "busy" or thinking you're not the right woman to settle down with.

 

Good riddance.

[Batya33]

I think your response was perfect. Either he's not available generally or not that interested in you (nothing personal!) -either way, time to move on. I did instant message and e-mail when I was dating but I didn't have a cell phone (until I was 8 months pregnant, in 2009!) and never texted. I didn't expect instantaneous responses other than in situations that required it so I didn't have those types of issues. If you think you were requiring too quick a response, consider that of course but otherwise just keep on doing what you're doing, being who you are and you'll meet someone who you click with (and hopefully have some fun in the process).

[SoulTaker]

I seek to fulfill my other needs and desires, including making friends and finding the right lady with whom to settle down. But unfortunately, I can't be what everyone would expect or like for me to be. That said, I like you very much but I'm not in a position to commit to an exclusive dating relationship... Ugh! so Frustrating.

 

You are confused, and frustrated because he is sending you mixed messages (as he has eloquently stated). He is looking for the right lady, but is not in position to be exclusive. He doesn't want to come to your house, but has no problem having you meet his daughter (which is reserved for a relationship). He doesn't communicate a lot, but will divulge personal info that is best not to be mentioned.... It goes on and on.

 

The bottom line is that you're coming across as looking for a relationship, and he's dating casually (playing the field). The casual dater will usually have the upper hand, meaning that he is in control of things. You can either go down to his level (casual) and enjoy yourself, or move on if you're only looking for serious daters.

[LifesDetour]

No one is too busy. If a person with a family and children has time to have an affair, don't let a single person tell you they are too busy. They just aren't making you a priority.

 

 

Youngwoman - you are SSSOOOO right!. I realized his priorities when he listed them for me. This is okay. He will see what he is missing. We attend the same church and I see him all the time. So It is all good. I have learned enough is this lifetime to know that I am not playing games. A relationship shouldn't be this hard if it is the right thing....

 

Have a great day. Loved the comment by the way.