Dave jones192 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Finally after 2 years I am back together with my GF, and just like everyone on here, I came here about 1 year ago in so much pain, but the break up was actually about 2 years ago, and I want to come and post my success story to give people hope and inspiration!. It has to be some of the worst but most transformative years of my life, and it certainly has been a journey. My advice to anyone coming here fresh out of a break up: All the info you need is on here, there are a lot of wise words being spoken and all the people who post good advice (superdave, jeffster, obsessive (in getting back together really does happen), brownstone) and have really amazing bits of wisdom about relationship to share. HOWEVER if you are new here be warned there are also some very bitter and jaded people here who will tell you 'what you need to hear' in their opinion, just look back at some of my posts to see the responses I got. So my advice is you dont really need to post anything or ask for advice just read the words that have been said before by the people who are actually trying to help, if you post something you are more likely to get responses from the bitter people, all the people i listed above didnt reply to my messages (not that i expected them to), but it was their old posts that had all the wisdom in them, they were the ones i went back to re-read in times of weakness to find strength and courage. Here a list of the things that happened before I got my ex back (which are common with so many other peoples success stories) 1. I stopped being pathetic, begging, swearing my undying love (omg it was so embarassing), etc, it doesnt work, I got my self respect back. 2. I went NC eventually, and started to heal, it was painful, I tried to initiate LC at some point (see my posts) it went ok, but I could see that it wasnt going where I wanted it to, so i just went back to NC again, I didnt want to be pushy, I had already tried that approach 3. I honestly tried to understand the mistakes I made, and I went about correcting them, I went to therapy to deal with my issues. 4. I moved on in a sense, what I mean is I started to date others, and look for a future elsewhere, but the important point here is I also NEVER gave up hope, my gf is such a wonderful person that giving up hope is practically impossible, I dont think I ever could have totally given up, but I did learn to live with the situation I was in and begin to accept my loss. 5. I worked on myself, gym, concentrated on being happy, I was so miserable for so long I alienated myself from so many people, I started to allow myself a few minutes in the morning to feel sorry for my self, and then the rest of the day I made the conscious effort to be happy, eventually I just started being happy again without having to reserve time each day for being miserable. So my GF messaged a few weeks ago, it started off slow just conversation and catching up but the connection was there and I think we both needed this time to grow individually (I know I did!). If any of the people who I mentioned above read this, you are the real stars of this website, your words are full of wisdom and gave me a lot of guidance through some of the worst years of my life, thank you. Any advice on how to maintain a successful reconciliation would always be appreciated. Good luck to every one who is broken hearted right now, there were many times I never thought I would see or hear from her again, so it just goes to show that it can happen to anyone, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NickMark88 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Hey Dave, that's great to hear. I think it's about getting yourself in a state where you're happy with yourself and in a position of getting your ex back or someone even better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave jones192 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 Thanks NickMark, I totally agree, no one wants to come back to someone who is upset and depressed, them seeing hyou like that just reinforces their decision to leave. One of the things I noticed recently, is there is a girl in my office, that everyone gravitates too, and the reason why is she is happy and bubbly all the time and everyone wants to be around her, (i think it helps too that she is smoking hot, so all the guys drool over her) but she is through and through a beautiful soul, and just want to smile when in her presence (haha amazingly she is having trouble with her boyfriend, he is going to be on here soon I am sure lol!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milwaukeecasey Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Are you back together? or just messaging again and you feel you have her, where she might not be on the same page as you quite yet? Sounds like she sent you a message but you don't know where to go from here and only assuming you have her back. Doesn't sound like you are out of the woods yet my friend. Sounds to me you are being tested and you already are bound to make the same mistakes over again with her that got you here in the first place. Did you date her? Did you have sex? Did you see her on multiple accounts and she gave you the "relationship tag talk" like what women do? Or are you just hoping for the best? You don't have nothing yet till she says she loves you and only wants to be with just YOU.....just saying, sorry to burst your bubble, but you are still on probation in her eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave jones192 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 Yes we agreed to start seeing each other again, and are both very happy, we had a long talk about wht went wrong, although getting back together was something I always wanted, part of my 'journey' was getting to a place where I had to be objective about whether the relationship would work again, I never want to go through that pain again, and the only way I could do that is by having an honest discussion about the mistake we both made, and we agreed what we had was worth trying for again my girl is not the kind of girl to go through this without the sincere belief that it is for something serious, a sincere effort to build something, she is not the kind of girl to play games in any way, she really wants to make a solid go of it again, and I knew if we ever got to this stage again that is how it would be, What I learned in this experience, is you are always on probation (even if you dont break up), love is a daily effort to put the other person first, somewhere along the way i forgot that and lost her, but I wont make the same mistake again, Dont worry you are not bursting my bubble! ENA has taught me to be very thick skinned to other peoples interpretation of my emotions and relationship situation, no one really understands the depth and extent of our emotions for each other, the fact that after two years we could still talk about what we had an if it was worth trying again is testimony to our connection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SherrySher Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I have been on here for a while now and I have not heard of any of the names you mentioned. Also, I don't think it's fair to be putting down people's opinions...I mean, I know not everyone will agree with you or say what you want them to say. I have found that there is lot's of different people on here with lots of different advice, but that's a good thing, it's good to get all sorts of perspectives. Sometimes a person does need to hear not only gentle words but straight forward honest words that might sound harsh. Anyhow, hope things work out for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Betterwithout Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I have been on here for a while now and I have not heard of any of the names you mentioned. Also, I don't think it's fair to be putting down people's opinions...I mean, I know not everyone will agree with you or say what you want them to say. I have found that there is lot's of different people on here with lots of different advice, but that's a good thing, it's good to get all sorts of perspectives. Sometimes a person does need to hear not only gentle words but straight forward honest words that might sound harsh. Anyhow, hope things work out for you. Very true SherrySher. I believe that everyone is on here A) to get help B) To offer help. Words can lack empathy from some of the posts, but in the end everyone is giving the best advice they have to give. Some have been through hell and back and can give words of wisdom, while others can be cynical and jaded. I do like when people are being frank, but in all reality, we are all strangers and don't have a full scope of the relationship issues other than the words expressed in a few paragraphs. I also like when there are responses from a wide range of ages and backgrounds. The human condition is fascinating for many. There really is no perfect person. ENA is great! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thebighere Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Yes we agreed to start seeing each other again, and are both very happy, we had a long talk about wht went wrong, although getting back together was something I always wanted, part of my 'journey' was getting to a place where I had to be objective about whether the relationship would work again, I never want to go through that pain again, and the only way I could do that is by having an honest discussion about the mistake we both made, and we agreed what we had was worth trying for again my girl is not the kind of girl to go through this without the sincere belief that it is for something serious, a sincere effort to build something, she is not the kind of girl to play games in any way, she really wants to make a solid go of it again, and I knew if we ever got to this stage again that is how it would be, What I learned in this experience, is you are always on probation (even if you dont break up), love is a daily effort to put the other person first, somewhere along the way i forgot that and lost her, but I wont make the same mistake again, Dont worry you are not bursting my bubble! ENA has taught me to be very thick skinned to other peoples interpretation of my emotions and relationship situation, no one really understands the depth and extent of our emotions for each other, the fact that after two years we could still talk about what we had an if it was worth trying again is testimony to our connection. Hello! Congratulations!! SuperDave and Brownstone over the years. In fact it was a SuperDave post that brought me here years ago. He's a legend! Out of interest, can you tell me how long you were in NC before she messaged you? Thank you for sharing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Good luck with your endeavors with her. Move cautiously with eyes wide open. Make sure she's not recently rebounding. Determine the real reason she contacted you after all this time. Was it in response to your contact or spontaneous?Yes we agreed to start seeing each other again and we agreed what we had was worth trying for again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thebighere Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Good luck with your endeavors with her. Move cautiously with eyes wide open. Make sure she's not recently rebounding. Determine the real reason she contacted you after all this time. Was it in response to your contact or spontaneous? ^^^^This question is very important i think. I've been reconciled with my ex for a month now. He contacted me. It was important to me that he wasn't rebounding or i wouldn't have continued with him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luisannalui Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Congrats and wish you the best. Its great to read that you used this time to work on yourself. Also, I agree that this post will help those that are in the same position you were. I was there too, begging, being pathetic until I decided to stop. She proposed to be friends, I said no. I've been in NC for 23 days and 2 days no social media stalking. I'm still in the process but getting there. You mentioned that you allowed yourself to feel miserable. I agree with you. I do allow myself to feel miserable but just for few minutes than I go back to my priorities. I'm doing a social media detox as it does a great job on validation and making people feel more miserable (Ej. ex is happier than us). My ex left me on June a month later we got back together, we last 5 more month (2 years relationship). During this time I worked on myself but not enough. I wanted to seat down with her talk about our difference and what we should do to make the relationship better. But she always said "later". Both of us did the same mistake as the previous relationship. I did improved but because she was still doing the same things that bothered me it didn't work. But I think its just part of her, lying, cheating, hiding things and than using this to go out and drink with friends and other people. My point is that COMMUNICATION is key. More importantly, your self-respect and self-value. Not because she's back you going to settle for less just to have her. Getting them back is the easiest part. I did see you mentioned that you worked on yourself but I did not see that you mentioned if she did as well, If she worked on improving herself so that the relationship this time works better. Remember, this is a new relationship, but at the same time you should have a talk with her and both comes to an agreement to make this new relationship a SUCCESS. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiredOfDating Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Finally after 2 years I am back together with my GF, and just like everyone on here, I came here about 1 year ago in so much pain, but the break up was actually about 2 years ago, and I want to come and post my success story to give people hope and inspiration!. It has to be some of the worst but most transformative years of my life, and it certainly has been a journey. My advice to anyone coming here fresh out of a break up: All the info you need is on here, there are a lot of wise words being spoken and all the people who post good advice (superdave, jeffster, obsessive (in getting back together really does happen), brownstone) and have really amazing bits of wisdom about relationship to share. HOWEVER if you are new here be warned there are also some very bitter and jaded people here who will tell you 'what you need to hear' in their opinion, just look back at some of my posts to see the responses I got. So my advice is you dont really need to post anything or ask for advice just read the words that have been said before by the people who are actually trying to help, if you post something you are more likely to get responses from the bitter people, all the people i listed above didnt reply to my messages (not that i expected them to), but it was their old posts that had all the wisdom in them, they were the ones i went back to re-read in times of weakness to find strength and courage. Here a list of the things that happened before I got my ex back (which are common with so many other peoples success stories) 1. I stopped being pathetic, begging, swearing my undying love (omg it was so embarassing), etc, it doesnt work, I got my self respect back. 2. I went NC eventually, and started to heal, it was painful, I tried to initiate LC at some point (see my posts) it went ok, but I could see that it wasnt going where I wanted it to, so i just went back to NC again, I didnt want to be pushy, I had already tried that approach 3. I honestly tried to understand the mistakes I made, and I went about correcting them, I went to therapy to deal with my issues. 4. I moved on in a sense, what I mean is I started to date others, and look for a future elsewhere, but the important point here is I also NEVER gave up hope, my gf is such a wonderful person that giving up hope is practically impossible, I dont think I ever could have totally given up, but I did learn to live with the situation I was in and begin to accept my loss. 5. I worked on myself, gym, concentrated on being happy, I was so miserable for so long I alienated myself from so many people, I started to allow myself a few minutes in the morning to feel sorry for my self, and then the rest of the day I made the conscious effort to be happy, eventually I just started being happy again without having to reserve time each day for being miserable. So my GF messaged a few weeks ago, it started off slow just conversation and catching up but the connection was there and I think we both needed this time to grow individually (I know I did!). If any of the people who I mentioned above read this, you are the real stars of this website, your words are full of wisdom and gave me a lot of guidance through some of the worst years of my life, thank you. Any advice on how to maintain a successful reconciliation would always be appreciated. Good luck to every one who is broken hearted right now, there were many times I never thought I would see or hear from her again, so it just goes to show that it can happen to anyone, this is hopeful. but I don't know that it would apply since I was basically a rebound relationship for him, though going back to his ex isn't an option for him. I will agree that the begging, etc has the very opposite effect that we all are hoping for. it just pushes them away. I was always the stronger one in the relationship, but during our break period I was weak, mostly because I was recovering from being blindsided by the breakup. we both reached out, but I was most often the initiator and it really backfired on me, pushing him away, making him feel like I wasn't giving him the space he needed. it's hard when you know you didn't really do anything to contribute to the breakup. but even with that being true for me, I know there's still things I can work on right now that will make me a stronger, better person in general. I am a generally happy go lucky person (he was broody) and don't really wallow in self pity. I just have a hard time at night mostly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave jones192 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 I have been on here for a while now and I have not heard of any of the names you mentioned. Also, I don't think it's fair to be putting down people's opinions...I mean, I know not everyone will agree with you or say what you want them to say. I have found that there is lot's of different people on here with lots of different advice, but that's a good thing, it's good to get all sorts of perspectives. Sometimes a person does need to hear not only gentle words but straight forward honest words that might sound harsh. Anyhow, hope things work out for you. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes, I didnt expect so many replies, I will answer as much as I can, @Sherrysher, its not about putting peoples opinion down, I think people come here seeking help, some offer help and others offer rather bitter criticism or offhand remarks that dont help. When I first started posting here, I was in a terrible state and the replies I got only made me feel worse. It was posts from the people I mentioned in other threads that really offered constructive advice on how to conduct my self and improve my chances of winning my ex back. So thaat is why my advice is to new people to search the threads for advice other than to directly ask for it, because a lot of bitter jaded people often respond not people with constructive advice. Anyway I am just trying to offer my two cents on how to help because in the end I often felt posting here didnt help becuase of some of the responses I got but the older posts did help a lot. I think it was quite clearly demonstrated in this thread, I posted here mainly becuase I had read so many success stories and dreamed of writing my own and now I had the chance but to also share how common what it is I went through. The second reply I got was someone who said comments "[youre] only assuming you have her back", ....'You dont have nothing yet..." 'sorry to burst your bubble but you are still on probation in her eyes.' (and these were conclusions drawn from 4 paragraphs) This is (sadly) the typical sort of response on ENA, to me it really has a tone of 'let me bring you down a peg or two' and I felt the same when I posted on here in the beginning instead of good advice I got responses that made me feel worse. Fortunately among all the bitterness are some serious jewels of wisdom by the people I mentiond I am amazed if you have been on here a while you havent heard of Superdave and brownstone, they are ENA legends, especially Superdave, he started the post directly below mine in this forum, but you should search his comments if you need advice they are amazing, and totally constructive. Jeffster and obsesseive arent as prolific as those, two, obsessives posts are at the end of the 'getting back together really does happen' thread, about page 200 or 201 i think. I cant remember where Jeffsters are but I am sure if you use the seach bar you will find him. @thebighere I was in NC for about 4-5 months when I first broke it with LC I think, which didnt go great but it wasnt a disaster, so I went back to NC for 1.5 more months after that if I emember correctly. I think it did help that when I tried to do LC i was in a much calmer state and when I could sense it wasnt going to go where I wanted it to go I left it alone which I think was a big sign to show my attitude had changed. @wiseman, she contacted me this time, so spontaneous i guess, although it was only a month and a half before this I had tried to re-initiate contact so..... @luisannalui I didnt specifically ask her 'have you worked on yourself', i was very careful in the make up calls to how i spoke to her and what I brought up, but I did tell her what I upset me the most when we broke up and she said she understood and took my feelings on board. Also I wouldnt say getting them back is the easiest part, this was hard, it took a lot of will power to cut contact, I went to therapy, I worked on a lot of things, it was a herculean effort to pull myself out of the miserable state I was in and make myself better again, and I think goign forward will have its challenges, and we are both in agreement about making the relationship a success tho. I think thats everyone, thanks again for the well wishes, if I keep coming back I will keep replying, but its true what they say when you have someone back the desire to come back here dwindles. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luisannalui Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 So you are telling me that all of the work you did was to get her back? Hopefully your answer is NO. The will power was for YOU. And yes, getting back your ex is the easiest part. Keeping the relationship, thats the hardest work. And another thing "why you need to be careful?" You need to say what you feel put your desires and needs in the table. Sometimes when we get back with our exes we are so careful "scared" of what we say what we do as we think that we have the greatest piece of diamond and gold on earth and we forget that YOU is the greatest piece. Did you took her right away? Man, she left and she will again if you dont stand up. She need to show you that she deserves this opportunity. Remember, you go first. Dont lose your self-respect, self value dont settle for less just to keep someone that one day left you and could do it again without remorse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thebighere Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 @thebighere I was in NC for about 4-5 months when I first broke it with LC I think, which didnt go great but it wasnt a disaster, so I went back to NC for 1.5 more months after that if I emember correctly. I think it did help that when I tried to do LC i was in a much calmer state and when I could sense it wasnt going to go where I wanted it to go I left it alone which I think was a big sign to show my attitude had changed. Thank you for your response. I am very happy for you! I am going to give my reconciliation story about two more months before i post my own. Like you said, it takes effort to return here when all is going well. hehe. Update us if you can, but if not. I hope your love life continues to blossom Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave jones192 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 This is where we have to disagree luisannalui, I dont think getting an ex back is easy at all. It has taken me two years to get myself sorted to the point that a reconciliation was actually possible, at any point in time before this I would have just blown it, the only thing I have ever done that took longer than this was a University degree, and getting a degree was a lot easier. This has been years of soul searching, understanding myself, my flaws, how to improve, I wouldnt be back with her if I hadnt done all of this and it was definitely not easy at all. It was the worst years of my life because of the anguish and sadness i felt, but potentially the most important years of my life. So I think saying getting an ex back is the easy part is completely false. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dave jones192 Posted March 3, 2017 Author Share Posted March 3, 2017 Thanks @thebighere, I appreciate it, good luck with yours Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MUrmillo Posted March 19, 2017 Share Posted March 19, 2017 Hi dave, first of all congrats with this amazing news! Could you maybe share a bit more about the timeline of the past 2 years? 1) For how long did you make the classical mistakes? 2) When did you do NC 3) When did she start opening up? 4) What was the moment you finally started seeing progress? Thanks a lot man Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Itsaisling Posted March 20, 2017 Share Posted March 20, 2017 You have given me hope that we can get back together in the future. How long were ye apart before ye got back together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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