Lost after a break up

[Katykaboom222]

This is a long one.

So I was the one that did the breaking up. We had been together for 7 months and were getting very serious...he said I was his forever. I had practically moved in. We spent all of our free time together, I was accepted by his family, very close friends and his Polish clan.

We had celebrated Thanksgiving just fine between our families. Christmas however...Christmas was when we broke up. We were to spend Christmas eve with his family and Christmas day with mine. We both work together for a delivery service. I'm in the office he's doing the deliveries and we both had to work Christmas eve. He had a crappy day at work, his boss didn't fix the truck, they left the dock late, he finished late. I get a phone call from him telling me that I should go spend Christmas with my family because he is spending it with his. Confused I ask him why the change of plans? He says he doesn't spend enough time with his family. Mind you we were going to their house ( they live one neighborhood over) every Sunday morning for breakfast and every Wednesday night for dinner and any other time they invited us over. Baffled I say I'm not family then? He throws in a comment "it's not like I'm cheating ". I freak out saying " why would you even bring that up? We aren't even talking about that" He switches back to telling me about how his sister who lives in Denver that this is his only chance to see her. She's a 6 and a half hour drive away from where we live. We were going to spend new years with her. I say let's talk when he gets home.

He gets home and his foot is down. I'm trying to accommodate him and still try to have something for myself too. I tell him we go to his parents that night, he spends all day with them tomorrow and he just comes for dinner. He says no, he's going alone and he'll come down for dinner Monday. I say Monday isn't Christmas. I start to cry. He says he doesn't get what the big deal is. I say you're choosing your family which is fine because I will choose mine. I say I guess I'll get out of your life altogether and start packing up. He says whatever and heads to his parents. I cry, I break a wreath I leave it for him.

I text him asking to talk. He says we'll talk tomorrow. He doesn't text or call. I get angry and threatened to reveal a fake pee kit that I bought for him to pass a drug test for him to get his own contract to his boss. I instantly regretted my words and apologize. I didn't do it but because an ex gf actually did follow through with a threat I don't deserve a second chance. I begged and pleaded for him to forgive me. Nope. I broke his trust.

Now it's been 2 months. I tried to make amends with him at work by helping him with a few things for his new contract. He's very thankful and kind. We make plans to go to the movies. We text the next day and it seemed okay. Two days after that I text him and no response. I asked him if he thought going to the movies was a mistake and he says it is. I blow up at him. Saying he positively agreed to go to the movies a few days ago so what changed? No response. I blow up about Christmas. Realizing he rejected me and getting mad at myself for trying to win him back. I accused him of cheating, saying that's probably the reason why he didn't want me to come to his parents party because she would be there.

I am so mad at myself for the things I said, I should have just let Christmas be the end of it and not try to get back together with him...

I am going to counseling but I don't know what to do about the work situation. Help.

[angrythoughts]

For future reference you should definitely never threaten someone to get a response. It'll turn them off completely! It makes you look like a crazy person and no one in their right mind wants to risk being with someone who would threaten to tamper with someone's job.

 

You definitely need to leave him alone. Don't help him do anything. Just apologize if necessary and move on. It takes time and effort but it sounds like you blew it for now.

[MissCanuck]

It sounds to me like he wanted out, and then called your bluff when you ended it.

 

The dynamic between you two sounds very unhealthy and too much, too soon. I get the impression he wanted his space and the way he went about it ensured that he got it - for good.

 

I mean, let's get real: living together at 7 months, fake drug tests, cheating accusations, broken wreath, etc etc. So much drama. It's not worth it, OP.

 

I think you are best to stay broken up with him.

[SherrySher]

It's incompatibility.

On his end, he is not being serious enough for you and including you in family things and on your end you are hurt by this and feeling left out and not important.

I guess the unfortunate thing about the entire situation is, he just didn't want to spend Christmas together or for it to be as serious as you would have liked.

You both wanted different things and both had different ideas of where things were going.

It's unfortunate but it is best that you move on now and let this go.

Counselling is a good place to start but also keep yourself busy with friends and family and whatever else helps to distract. Stop blaming yourself, it wasn't your fault, you just wanted different things.

Grieve the loss but don't lose hope of meeting someone who is meant for you.

[j.man]

I should have just let Christmas be the end of it and not try to get back together with him...

Hindsight's 20/20. But, personally, between not simply enjoying Christmas with your respective families and then threatening him, I'd say you goofed. It is what it is, though. No point in kicking yourself hard.

 

As Sherry mentions, it's an incompatibility. Being able to recognize different doesn't intrinsically mean wrong will help you navigate relationships a lot better. I'll concede it sucks a bit that he changed plans last minute, but after having a cruddy and late Christmas Eve at work, I can understand him simply wanting to wind down with family for a few days. Your relationship was still pretty new and you two don't have children. There's no reason to be having each other choose which family to spend time with and for how much time.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it sounds like way too much way too soon and too fast. After a few months of dating incompatibilities like this can come out. Don't expect someone to give up their family time or traditions after dating so briefly.

 

Having fits, threatening breakups and breaking his stuff sounds immature and sorry, bit a bit nasty and like a drama diva.

 

It would be wise for you to get a grip on handling anger and frustration better. Are you recently out of a bad relationship?

 

Excellent you've started counselling . Focus on yourself now. Treat him like any other coworker at work. Professional, polite that's it.

I had practically moved in.

I say I guess I'll get out of your life altogether and start packing up.

I break a wreath I leave it for him.

I get angry and threatened to reveal a fake pee kit that I bought for him to pass a drug test for him to get his own contract to his boss.

I blow up at him.

I blow up about Christmas.

I accused him of cheating