What should I think?

[time4takeoff]

Hi

 

Myself ( English) and my girlfriend ( Romanian) have been together for a while. Over the past few days we have been talking/arguing about having a baby. We would both like to have a baby in the near future however the biggest problem is where she wants to give birth.

 

We are both living here in the UK and both work full time she wants to fly back to Romania and go private ( costs around £1000) to have the baby because she doesn't have confidence in the NHS plus she wants to have a cesarean because she is worried about the pressure on her eyes when giving birth naturally. The doctor in Romania a few years ago told her you could possible damage a vessel in your eye if you give birth naturally!

 

On top of wanting to go and give birth in Romania she wants to stay there for around 2 months and says she can cope with everything on her own whilst I'm back in the UK working and once she is ok she will come back and stay with me.

 

I have mentioned that there are good and bad hospitals in the UK and luckily enough to have some good rated hospitals nearby to where we live i.e. adenbrooks. I've also mentioned that if she goes to Romania to have the child and rent an apartment we need to be saving at least £5000 to cover bills for the UK and also for her to stay in Romania for 2 months.

 

I've told her that I'd be upset if this was to happen and even more so if anything went wrong and I wasn't there to help her i'd be upset even more. I want to be there for bother of them. She has also said the likelihood of her mum and dad helping is quite slim. What should I do?

 

I can only have 4 weeks off work during this time unless i was to take unpaid holiday which means saving more money. If she had the baby here in the UK then everything would be ok. I don't know what to think.

[JaggerJim]

Keep trying to convince her to have the baby in the UK. It's better for you.

[Dahl]

Goodness sake, she can pop a blood vessel in her eye going poo. And also sneezing. And sneezing while - well, you get the picture.

 

I'm with JaggerJim.

[Dahl]

You as this child's father are NOT incidental. You are just as critical for your infant's health and well-being once into the world. And the reverse - she will be depriving you of critical bonding time with your newborn and your newborn of critical bonding time with you, which can easily negatively impact your baby's health and key developmental growth.

 

You are absolutely necessary. Don't give up. Good luck.

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been together? Does she want to be around her relatives and native speaking people for this and have the child be a Romanian citizen? Perhaps she wants the child to stay there with relatives and keep you out of the picture?

 

It may be best for her to talk to her ob/gyn about all this for accurate information. She must have a UK doctor for that already, no? Are you living together? How long? When do you want to start trying to get pregnant?

We would both like to have a baby in the near future however the biggest problem is where she wants to give birth. On top of wanting to go and give birth in Romania she wants to stay there for around 2 months and says she can cope with everything on her own whilst I'm back in the UK working and once she is ok she will come back and stay with me.

[DancingFool]

......She needs to learn a whole lot more about pregnancy and giving birth..... Popping a blood vessel in the eye is the least of her problems and c-section is something that may or may not occur. She can't really control things the way she imagines. Nature will literally take its course.

 

To be honest, she sounds scared and not really well prepared for the situation. Certainly not well informed about it. On top of that, you two are not married. She is from another country. What would your rights be if she decided to break up with you and stay in Romania for good? What would your responsibilities be financially? What about the child's citizenship? UK or Romania?

 

I think you two need to be thinking through many more things before you even start trying to have a child. You seem to be skipping some steps here.

[boltnrun]

Won't the child have Romanian citizenship if she gives birth there?

 

What happens if she decides to stay there? How would you get access to your child then?

 

Holy cow, millions of women have given birth without popping a blood vessel in their eyes! And, I've actually popped a blood vessel in my eye (not from giving birth). Guess what? It healed!

 

Anyway, isn't this child hypothetical anyway?

[JaggerJim]

I think the whole thing is a bit fishy. She's not even pregnant and your arguing about this issue. It sounds to me, once she gets pregnant, she's off. With or without you.

 

Think carefully.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. Giant red flag.

She's not even pregnant and your arguing about this issue.

 

]

[Dahl]

I think the whole thing is a bit fishy. She's not even pregnant and your arguing about this issue. It sounds to me, once she gets pregnant, she's off. With or without you.

 

Think carefully.

 

Excellent advice.

 

Be cautious, OP.

[DancingFool]

Other practical considerations are that in late term pregnancy, travel may not be advisable. She may have complications and be bed ridden in the last 2 months. The child might be born premature or late. Her thinking that she will just schedule a c-section, travel over there and be back in 2 months no problem is very very naive. Financially, you need to be prepared for a whole lot more contingencies than just her going over there, giving birth and being right back on schedule. When it comes to children and birth, chances of all going according to plan are slim to none.

 

Other than that, Romania isn't exactly famous for its medical care....sooo.....I really question her motives. Would make more sense if she had fantastic family support there and wanted to lean on them and get help in those early months because she will need all the help she can get. However, OP, you are stating that it's not the case with her family and help is very unlikely or very limited at best. So her insistence doesn't quite add up.

[agent1607307371]

What's her status? She might not want to use the NHS because the gov wants to (and possibly already has) compell them to hand over info on immigrants. She might also not want to give birth in the UK in case she has to leave and doesn't want to diminish her right to custody in case that becomes a problem in the next few months.

[Dahl]

Other practical considerations are that in late term pregnancy, travel may not be advisable. She may have complications and be bed ridden in the last 2 months. The child might be born premature or late. Her thinking that she will just schedule a c-section, travel over there and be back in 2 months no problem is very very naive. Financially, you need to be prepared for a whole lot more contingencies than just her going over there, giving birth and being right back on schedule. When it comes to children and birth, chances of all going according to plan are slim to none.

 

 

Excellent points, all.

 

Further, *if* she gets pregnant without complications, she may have an issue with the pregnancy immediately and be confined to bed/resting not only due to a major medical problem but for reasons as basic and sometimes overwhelming as fatigue, nausea, blood pressure and sugar concerns.

 

The chances aren't astronomical, but they're a heck of a lot more considerable than her having a burst blood vessel in her eyeball from natural child birth that rates you being cut out of being present for the health and care of your newborn and infant.

[Boughtandpaidfor]

Pregnant women often take tours of the maternity unit in the UK before they go there, to learn about what's involved.

 

In this special case you may be able to join a tour, see what it's like, then she may feel more comfortable.

[catfeeder]

How long is 'a while"?

 

If you don't love her enough to marry her, then don't you think talk of children is premature? Or, is she already pregnant?

[Unsure82]

I feel compelled to defend that woman who is accused of wanting to abscond with a child she doesn't have yet etc.

First, Romania is a European country. So is the UK for now. So she is therefore a fully legal immigrant in the UK.

The child can have both the Romanian and British citizenships It doesn't matter where he or she was born.

Both being legal EU citizens it's not like it wouldn't be easy for him to go to Romania.

The UK hasn't triggered article 50 yet and if she was thinking about that, which is insulting, wouldnt she want to be the mother of a British born citizen.

 

Then, as a woman of child bearing age living in the British Isles and coming from another European country I totally understand her. It's not her native language. Yes you can be bilingual and all, when you're in pain, your native language is easier. Having your family around is easier. Being in a health care and support system you know is easier.

You can go there 4 weeks and fly every weekend. If that takes her fears away and she is more comforable with it?