justshine1 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Long story short..... Been talking to a guy whom I have a dating past with. I met him online....and another guy at the same time. Was talking to both (only dating and kisses) he asked me if I was talking to someone else....I was honest said yes. He said that wasn't his cup of tea and ended things. I continued to date the other guy and it didn't go well at all. Few months later I message him to tell him I'm single and regretting what happen....he says he's now in a relationship. ..just my luck. So I stayed single a month then met someone (old neighbor) He messages me one week into me seeing this neighbour guy and says he's now single.... Again just my luck. So...I start hanging out with him a bit. ...he expresses I should leave the neighbor...as I wasn't being treated how I should. AND start dating him. I was confused and felt bad to just drop this new guy so faSt. Yet the older guy is someone iv known I had major deep feelings for. So I kissed him a bit also on our couple of hangs out and he was showing major effort....texting and calling me ect. Anyway one night he asked if the guy I was seeing slept over....again. ..being honest I said yes. He clearly, I don't think liked that and said I need to figure my stuff out and he doesn't want to talk to me or be friends until I do. So that's what I did. Ended things with the neighbour about 10 days after and messages him right away. We've hung out twice since....but now he's withdrawn. Hardly texts....no more lunch phone calls... still kissy when I see him but says he just doesn't know anymore and needs time and for us to take it slow. So the question here is..... I don't ever sleep with randoms. ...never in my life had a one night stand. And feel sex to be something of extreme importance to be shared between two people. I did sleep with the neighbour 4 weeks into our 6 weeks dating....but we were very drunk and I regretted it. Had I been sober it most definitely would not have happened that soon if at all because of my feelings for this guy now. I'm wondering.. would telling him....I didn't sleep with that guy, be a good white lie to tell to maybe get him back interested? ??? Iv never lied to him before. Or do I not even mention it and hope he never ask's. And hope for the best.
Hollyj Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Don't say anything. It's none of his business. And, why are you lying to people???? Next time, do not cheat on your partner. it's sleazy. You sound very young, and all over the place.
justshine1 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 Don't say anything. It's none of his business. And, why are you lying to people???? Next time, do not cheat on your partner. it's sleazy. You sound very young, and all over the place. I was never officially dating anyone
Hollyj Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 I was never officially dating anyone You said you were involved with the neighbor.
Hollyj Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 "He messages me one week into me seeing this neighbour guy and says he's now single...." If you weren't dating this guy, then there would have been no issue with you dating the older guy.
Dahl Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 How about something like this: 'I appreciate why you're asking and I have my own curiosities, but I don't share the personal details of this part of my past. And even if I'm tempted, I won't ask you. I will absolutely get tested for STIs / STDs and of course I expect you to, as well. I'm not concealing anything and I'm not interested in being deceptive. I'm a trustworthy person. My past in the sense of sharing gory details is off-limits, however, and I hope you will respect that. I will show you the same courtesy. What I may have experienced with whom, when and why are not matters I make public, nor is my past open for debate and discussion.' Obviously, my example is far too stilted and stiff for use as is, but I hope it might offer you some alternatives. You are doing the right thing to not be dishonest and I admire you for it. But neither should you be punished nor held up for scrutiny by a current prospective lover based on his curiosity as to what you shared with past lovers, in my estimation. Good luck.
Wiseman2 Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Lying to get someone interested makes no sense. Why would that lie entice him? Your past sexual history is TMI. Stop talking about it and change the subject. I did sleep with the neighbour 4 weeks into our 6 weeks dating....but we were very drunk and I regretted it. I'm wondering.. would telling him....I didn't sleep with that guy, be a good white lie to tell to maybe get him back interested? ???
justshine1 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 Yes but the neighbour guy was wishy washy always saying were went in a relationship just dating...what even that means.
justshine1 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 Very great words thank you! The problem is....I think this is why he's pulled back and changed his thought towards me in the past weeks and it's unfortunate. But I have never lied to this ma and don't wish to start. I was wondering people's thoughts on it.
justshine1 Posted March 1, 2017 Author Posted March 1, 2017 How about something like this: 'I appreciate why you're asking and I have my own curiosities, but I don't share the personal details of this part of my past. And even if I'm tempted, I won't ask you. I will absolutely get tested for STIs / STDs and of course I expect you to, as well. I'm not concealing anything and I'm not interested in being deceptive. I'm a trustworthy person. My past in the sense of sharing gory details is off-limits, however, and I hope you will respect that. I will show you the same courtesy. What I may have experienced with whom, when and why are not matters I make public, nor is my past open for debate and discussion.' Obviously, my example is far too stilted and stiff for use as is, but I hope it might offer you some alternatives. You are doing the right thing to not be dishonest and I admire you for it. But neither should you be punished nor held up for scrutiny by a current prospective lover based on his curiosity as to what you shared with past lovers, in my estimation. Good luck. Very great words thank you! The problem is....I think this is why he's pulled back and changed his thought towards me in the past weeks and it's unfortunate. But I have never lied to this ma and don't wish to start. I was wondering people's thoughts on it
Dahl Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Very great words thank you! The problem is....I think this is why he's pulled back and changed his thought towards me in the past weeks and it's unfortunate. But I have never lied to this ma and don't wish to start. I was wondering people's thoughts on it Any time! Eep, he sounds a tad critical. Is he typically the type to withdraw/withhold communication if he doesn't get an answer he wants / likes? I appreciate your position. You want to be honest but you're not interested in holding your past up for dissection /punative reception. I think it's fantastic that you're refusing to be dishonest. And I don't think that you sound be punished for your efforts. Good luck whatever you decide to do, mate.
Gary Snyder Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 The good news is, you appear to be a wanted woman and have many choices.... ya little heartbreaker (good for you!)! A couple of things: 1) If you are going to circular / multi-date, do it with some finesse.... you keep your mouth shut about it, but don't lie. If one suitor asks if you are dating others, it's crunch time, time to make a decision: Do I date this guy exclusively, or not? If the answer is "yes", you tell them you are not dating anyone, and breakup with the other guy right after your date. Or breakup with the other one. 2) The other problem is you got drunk and got more involved with the neighbor than you wanted to. Be more responsible and keep it to a 2-drink maximum in the early stages of dating so you don't make mistakes. Well, I guess you'll just have to chalk this one up as a learning experience.
Clio Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Lying is lying. Period. Don't lie. He is not worth it. No one is. As for your sexual history, other than getting tested for std's and not jeopardising other people's health, it is no one else's business.
nutbrownhare Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 How about something like this: 'I appreciate why you're asking and I have my own curiosities, but I don't share the personal details of this part of my past. And even if I'm tempted, I won't ask you. I will absolutely get tested for STIs / STDs and of course I expect you to, as well. I'm not concealing anything and I'm not interested in being deceptive. I'm a trustworthy person. My past in the sense of sharing gory details is off-limits, however, and I hope you will respect that. I will show you the same courtesy. What I may have experienced with whom, when and why are not matters I make public, nor is my past open for debate and discussion.' Obviously, my example is far too stilted and stiff for use as is, but I hope it might offer you some alternatives. You are doing the right thing to not be dishonest and I admire you for it. But neither should you be punished nor held up for scrutiny by a current prospective lover based on his curiosity as to what you shared with past lovers, in my estimation. Good luck. I agree that past relationships should remain where they belong - in the past. I refuse to discuss my sexual history, and I wouldn't expect my partner to, either. Though someone did once ask how many lovers I'd had, and I responded "Oh, in the last week? 40, I'd say, at a conservative estimate!" Stopped that conversation in its tracks, I can tell you!
JaggerJim Posted March 1, 2017 Posted March 1, 2017 Personally, I think your wasting your time on the guy. He's clearly not that into you, and wasn't from the start. But your into him, so to answer your question, no don't lie, if he can't handle you slept with the neighbour that's his problem.
abitbroken Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I agree that past relationships should remain where they belong - in the past. I refuse to discuss my sexual history, and I wouldn't expect my partner to, either. Though someone did once ask how many lovers I'd had, and I responded "Oh, in the last week? 40, I'd say, at a conservative estimate!" Stopped that conversation in its tracks, I can tell you! Past is past, but present is present. If you meet up with Guy #2, THEN break up with guy #1 because you want to make yourself available, I would want to know if the person I just started to date was sleeping with someone else - that way for my own safety i could make an informed decision about if i wanted to move forward. I would never multidate because that's not my style but if I were in his shoes, I wouldn't want to start dating someone who slept with someone else the night before and ran into my arms because that would tell me how they'd treat me the minute someone more appealing came along - they wouldn't end things in a sensitive way with me. At any rate, I'd drop all the guys involved and have some time getting to know yourself better instead of talking to a guy and waiting for an opening for him to be available. Meet guys who are available and if they are not - don't wait for them.
SherrySher Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Don't lie, ever. You can't have a good relationship with anyone pretending to be something or someone you're not. Don't offer information, but if he asks'...don't lie. Also by the sounds of it, this older guy was interested when there was a chase and you were hard to get, but now that you're free and right there with him, he seems to have not found it so exciting. This isn't a put down to you, it's just how some people can be. He sounds like he has definitely lost interest and doesn't find things so appealing anymore.
IAmFCA Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Don't lie, ever. You can't have a good relationship with anyone pretending to be something or someone you're not. Don't offer information, but if he asks'...don't lie. I agree with tbis. Not everyone does. When asked a question that is nobody's business but my own, I believe in giving some other sort of answer that is not a lie and doesn't answer the question. From the absurd "No, that was Alien Threesome night so I wasn't able to accommodate him" to "i heard we will have snow this weekend" to "As a policy I don't ever talk about intimacies of any sort. Is there some reason that kind of detail is anyone's concern?"
Dahl Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 "As a policy I don't ever talk about intimacies of any sort. Is there some reason that kind of detail is anyone's concern?" I think this is really a tremendous response.
SherrySher Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Bottom line is though, I would pass on both of these men...to be honest OP neither one sounded like a match.
IAmFCA Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 I dont remember the last time I stayed with a man who asked me to report sexual specifics. I mean, maybe twentu years ago? More? Nobody tolerates that, though people make all sorts of arguments. Recognize a white lie for what it is: (1) An indication that your boundaries are being challenged (or your partner's boundaries if that is who is speaking the white lie); and (2) when you speak a white lie, it means you weren't able to come up with a more agile response.
Dahl Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 Recognize a white lie for what it is: (1) An indication that your boundaries are being challenged (or your partner's boundaries if that is who is speaking the white lie); Wow. This has never occurred to me. This is exquisitely keen.
Capricorn3 Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 So the question here is..... I'm wondering.. would telling him....I didn't sleep with that guy, be a good white lie to tell to maybe get him back interested? ??? . My question is: WHY do you need to tell anyone who you slept with and didn't sleep with in the first place? It's none of their business! Lying doesn't help anybody and all it does is usually backfire on you, so don't even go there. Don't mention it. It's no-one's business but your own.
IAmFCA Posted March 2, 2017 Posted March 2, 2017 My question to you, OP, is If a man comes back to you because he feels he can now approve of your prior sexual history, then what other parts of you does he expect to judge and reject according to his own preferences? Retain your authority over yourself. Do not trade it for any job or any man. Retain your integrity too, by not lying, and by not revealing that which is nobody else's business. Hold yourself to this standard.
justshine1 Posted March 2, 2017 Author Posted March 2, 2017 The good news is, you appear to be a wanted woman and have many choices.... ya little heartbreaker (good for you!)! A couple of things: 1) If you are going to circular / multi-date, do it with some finesse.... you keep your mouth shut about it, but don't lie. If one suitor asks if you are dating others, it's crunch time, time to make a decision: Do I date this guy exclusively, or not? If the answer is "yes", you tell them you are not dating anyone, and breakup with the other guy right after your date. Or breakup with the other one. 2) The other problem is you got drunk and got more involved with the neighbor than you wanted to. Be more responsible and keep it to a 2-drink maximum in the early stages of dating so you don't make mistakes. Well, I guess you'll just have to chalk this one up as a learning experience. Wow this is amazing advise. Haha and thanks that made me laugh and smile. But I'm not attracting the right men. Or my ahold radar is off and I don't see the greatness in front of me. However now my vision is clear I know what I want and it's J more than anything! Your right I should for now ever on do what you said in 1* Also good point in 2!!! Until I'm seriously in a relationship. So here is the update..... I really want him to see me for the great person I am...and want to date him before I move forward to that step of intimacy . Because my feelings will just grow and if he chose not to date me and we did have sex I'd be very hurt over it. I think he will respect me more if we wait. I ended up caving and calling him up last night. I told him what I thought....said that i noticed he was being different then the J* I know and I'm not enjoying this offish side of him. That he's been very short with me and such. He said he's just been tired....with switching jobs....working out extra and his surgery coming up its a lot to think about. He also went on to say he really doesn't want pressure from me. It's only been two weeks since iv been single. And the real problem here is he can't trust me he said. He also said ** if u don't like this me then why are you talking to me ** ( not sure if that was a gab to see how far he can push me or not. I said because I still like you.... but that's exactly how P was with me...and J* would always say it's unacceptabe ) hmm 🤔 He said that with me dating two ppl in Sept ...him and Z he was veryyyyyy badly hurt by that. ( I then said I thought he was over that. ....he said...he thought so too but after me pretty much doing the same thing to N.....with HIM just recently. He realized he's not over it. And doesn't know if I'm trust worthy. Even though I did say with P... I wasn't official and hardly saw the guy And he wasn't the best. But anyways he says that if ever I did that again to him he'd be beyond hurt and would never forgive me or talk to me again. So right now trust is what needs to be gained before anything. He said that may take weeks....months....or may never even happen.and if that's the case at least we could be friends. I said that I understand and it makes sense that I promise I'd never do that to him and iv learned from my mistakes. I also mentioned....that perhaps iv shares too much with him about P. And that wasn't good. ...but that I feel for me... J* is a person I feel so comfortable to open up with and that's he's such a special person to me that's why I was to open to sharing even when I shouldn't have. He said....wow that's very sweet of me and it made him happy and smile to hear that. ** which is great I think now....I will respect his wishes and hold back on things. Give him time and space while still trying to show I care. I won't bring it up again and just go slow like how he said. And I most certainly will not do anything at all to jeopardize my chances with him. However I'm seeing him tonight...... and the big thing was he didn't want pressure. I was wondering if.... I was thinking of maybe saying....tonight. to him. That I just wanted to add one more thing to yesterday's convo then I'm done talking about it and we can move forward... * and say "" when we started talking again I thought I was over you.l and could be your friend. But after hanging out with you again that became clearly evident that, that wasn't the case. The second we kissed I should have ended seeing the other guy. Because the truth is I didn't see a future with him. I want you to know that I'm not a cheater and never would have hung out with you had I thought that be the case. But obviously my feelings came back for you and stronger then before. So I was in a pickle. And you coming onto me didn't help when I was Trying to give the guy a chance. I know iv made a few mistakes and I regret hurting you in the past , it was never my intention I promise. My heart hurts to know I did hurt you how i did. And I just hope eventually I can gain your trust and feelings back for me. If not I'm just great full to know I have such an amazing person in my life.*** That's all. Or I just don't say any of that until like a month away ?! And give him the no pressure like he asked??? Thoughts?
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