Please help me.

[Caityhorsman]

I'm 18 years old pregnant and engaged. And my fiancé is a little bit crazy. Let me start from the beginning. We got into a relationship too soon, Exactly a month after I had just ended a 3 year long relationship with the person I thought I was going to marry. I don't consider him my rebound because I'd been with someone else prier to him but after the break up. But he made me really happy, and it was exciting and adventurous. I lived with my uncle by myself because my mom ran off with her bf across country. Which means I'm here with no one to talk, without a mom to give me advice, that's why I've turned to this page. Any who, it was all fine and dandy and I really thought I was falling in love with my current fiancé. His mom offered to let me move in with them so I could get some personal stuff down and have her as motivation, she's a really awesome woman, beats my mom by 10 fold. I said yes, because I still needed my ged and license and she was willing to help with that. So I moved in and things were good for a while. I started to realize little things about my fiancé that clearly weren't normal and had a touch of crazy. Let me give you this example. From the beginning, I've been fair, loyal, honest, and kind. He even recognizes this daily. BUT he still, almost everyday has come up with some master manipulated idea that I've cheated in him or will. He's afraid to leave me alone, and at one point was going through my phone, I put a stop to that though. We've been together for almost 6 months now, and there's still no change, he constantly assumes and accuses without any knowledge that's he's even doing it which is the scarier part. One time out of the blue, he flipped my phone face up if I put it face down out of habit. He did it twice before I got extremely enraged. His explanation was the that he looked it up online and the majority of people who do that are hiding something. I yelled and yelled until I was blue in the face, he physically couldn't underrated why that was crossing a boundary, that the under lining reason for that is he feels I'm untrustworthy, EVEN though he's the one who has lied to me in several different occasions. Okay moving on, here's another example, he has such a skewed perception on things, on life really and if I say something or do something he will think those words or actions were done for a totally different reason than they were, usually negative and like I was attacking him when really I was just complementing him or asking him a simple question. He doesn't get it and it drives me nuts. His social ques are absolutely shot as well. He so up and down all the time, one minute he's manically laughing, getting in my face like a child, then he's laying on the ground looking at the ceiling saying he wants to light himself on fire. EVERYTHING has to be turned into a joke for him and it kills me. The other night we were laying in bed and he told me he sees and hears things that aren't there, and it freaks him out. Sometimes it's really hard to tell when he's being serious about something because he tends to over exaggerate and be a little extreme most of the time. So sometimes I don't know when he is over exaggerating and fibbing. But I said believed him. I've been begging him to get help for the past month, for the sake of our relationship, for the sake of our marriage and our baby. I really want this to work and I want a future together, but I'm so terrified he won't get the help he needs. He talked to his therapist about it and he said he has schizoactive behaviors, and a touch of autism. He's going away for a week so they can better diagnose him but holy hell am I thinking the worst right now. Like what if he doesn't change? After months of putting in time and effort and having his baby, and waiting for him to get better and start acting like a normal person. I'm so frustrated and confused and I have no one to talk to about this and it's driving ME INSANE. I have absolutely no idea what I should do. Should I wait? So I stick around? I'm terrified I'm going to be a single mom with no support and no where to go. My uncle won't let me back in his house if I'm pregnant.. so I'm kind of stuck. And I'm absolutely terrified..

[Caityhorsman]

And he is so overly sensitive, he can dish out jokes left and right but he can't take them. And he is KNOWN as the jokester.

[Caityhorsman]

He has a problem with helping people, mostly his family. They jump through hoops for him pay for anything he needs, puts him before anything else but he has such a hard time doing anything for them. He says he "hates that he was born into such a good family" "he doesn't want anyone to love him." He'd rather suffer about stuff he's made up in his head than be happy. He's rather drown in his own twisted thoughts. Who chooses to drown? Who choose to be bitter? And I understand that if you've gone through a lot of trauma, sometimes it's easier to be sad than put effort into being happy, I understand that because that person is me, I use to be like that, I use to want to wallow about all the stupid that's happened. But with him, he's had a pretty decent life, pretty good, something I wish I had. But he still feels like his life is so ty and that he's a victim. Even though we talk about it constantly and he does know deep down he's had a good life, he's still rather drown about stuff that wasn't even there.

[Caityhorsman]

I've struggled with depression, anxiety, ptsd, body imagery disorder, low self esteem for my entire life, I've been sexually violated for 50% of my life at this point In time, and I'm trying so so hard to make myself happy, I was just in a 3 year long relationship where I depended on the other person to make me happy, and now I'm trying to be happy by myself, depending on myself for my own happiness, and it's so hard when I'm with someone all day long that's so up and down and doesn't know how to handle it.. please help me

[IAmFCA]

OP, You are smart and resourceful and you recognize that this relationship is damaging and not the match you had thoughtit was. Do not get married. I am sorry to have to say that so boldly.

 

I can tell your strength because you have identified that you miss having a more stable home life. You have identified the path you want to follow to pursue your goals and to express yourself in a positive manner. And you have considered alternatives such as your uncle. Knowing your needs, you are brave enough to recognize that your fiance is not the relationship you want. I applaud you.

 

Are you studying for the GED? How soon can you take the exam?

 

My recommendation is to focus on taking the GED as soon as possible. Try to keep confrontation at home to a minimum. Practice ways to assert your boundaries without yelling. This may mean using strategies like keeping your things in your purse or your pocket. Slowly becoming more self contained.

 

Meanwhile, get that GED. Identify a new place to live. Where I live, there are some non-profit organizations that support single mothers. Start here: they are really good.

 

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There are GED apps to help practice the tests. My phone is an android, and it suggests GED Test 2016 and there are others.

 

You are an example of the people I wish I could help, because I relate to the challenges in front of you. These challenges are actually gifts in your life. As you overcome them, you will be stronger, better, glorious.

 

Follow your instincts. Respect your soul and your future. You are going places.

[MissCanuck]

Wow, there's a lot to unpack here. I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. It sounds very unpleasant, on a number of different levels.

 

I really think you need to have a conversation with his mother. I don't see that there is any other adult around who could guide you, and she knows him better than anyone. She sounds like she truly wants to help you so I think you need to confide in her about his behaviour toward you and your fears for the future.

 

He appears to be mentally unstable and it's good that he is getting help. However, this is a risky situation. You are going to be somehow tied to him forever though this child, though you need to be very careful what this baby is exposed to. I would take marriage off the table at this point. You two are incredibly young and your relationship is nowhere near healthy or stable enough to make legally binding. He can't offer you that when he's not healthy or stable himself. If he's the one always accusing you of cheating, then I'm afraid that he's likely doing it. Even if he's not, he has zero respect for you and is nowhere near ready to be a husband. At just 6 months, you are still getting to know him. I realize a baby is entering the picture so it's a bit too late in many ways, but I would focus on how to co-parent without marrying him. It's clear that nobody is ready for marriage here.

 

You didn't say how far along you are, but I would assume his parents know you are pregnant. What is the plan for after the baby arrives? In other words, how are you and he going to support him/her? I would do everything you can to get that GED and driver's license now so you have more options. Are you working at the moment? Is he? I really feel your best course of action would be to try to establish a plan for reclaiming your independence, slowly, after the baby is born. It's going to be difficult and I think you will unfortunately be stuck with this guy for a while, on the basis of being dependent on his family. It also sounds to me that you need counseling yourself, having been virtually abandoned by your mom and sexually abused. Are you able to speak to anyone about this?

 

Dear me, OP. My heart goes out to you.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately 6 mos and a ton of red flags. Moving in too soon, getting pregnant too soon, yelling and screaming...but those are your actions that you are responsible for.

 

How hoes he act around his family? Is he working/holding down a job? Do you work or go to school? To be honest it sounds like you are the one who should be getting help.

I'm 18 years old pregnant. His mom offered to let me move in with them. We've been together for almost 6 months now. I yelled and yelled until I was blue in the face. He so up and down all the time, one minute he's manically laughing, getting in my face like a child, then he's laying on the ground looking at the ceiling saying he wants to light himself on fire. He talked to his therapist about it and he said he has schizoactive behaviors, and a touch of autism. He's going away for a week so they can better diagnose him. My uncle won't let me back in his house if I'm pregnant..

[Caityhorsman]

I understand I made a mistake by moving In too soon, I realize that now but I thought It was in my best interest considering him and his mother wanted to push me and help motivate me to get my things done, I needed to be out of my uncles in a few months anyway, I'd stayed there for too long. His words not mine. Thats the only thing I can take sole responsibility for. Also it takes two to tango, I didn't get pregnant by myself. It wasn't intentional, so it lands on the two of us, we were both careless. I only resorted to yelling when I had the same fight with him about 65 times and he still wasn't understanding what he was doing wrong, almost like I was dealing with a toddler, people snap, people break, people are people. I'm at my wits end with not being trusted even though I'm not the one lying. He is rude to his family and doesn't even realize it, he treats them like crap even though they do back flips for him, and is gets under my skin because I have a crappy family who does nothing for me, and I am so so jealous of what he has. He's had about 3 jobs in the past 5 months and hasn't held down a single one, I've been working straight for the past two years, and just a month ago quit my job in the kitchen because of my morning sickness.

 

 

 

Unfortunately 6 mos and a ton of red flags. Moving in too soon, getting pregnant too soon, yelling and screaming...but those are your actions that you are responsible for.

 

How hoes he act around his family? Is he working/holding down a job? Do you work or go to school?

[Caityhorsman]

Actually a PROFESSIONAL told my fiancé that he needs serious help if he wants a future, I just pushed him to go to therapy, I didn't diagnose him, his THERAPIST DID. You are extremely rude tbh. I'm studying for my ged and looking for a new job. You have no idea who I am, and you sure as hell don't sound very wise right now. I could probably use some therapy for my sexual abuse history and my mother abandoning me, but I'm not schizophrenic like my fiancé. I'm not the one tearing apart our relationship. I've been so fair and so patient with him, but I'm starting to stress now because I'm getting ready to make a life long commitment to someone who I don't think is ready, and clearly by everyone else opinion isn't. Don't tell me I'm the one who needs help because I made a few mistakes, I'm human. I'm sure you haven't done everything to a perfect T now have you? I'm 18 years old, I'm young, my mother just abandoned me in a state I've never lived to run off with her psychotic bf so I think it may take a little time for me to figure something's out on my own. I'm JUST now learning to be on my own and pay my own way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfortunately 6 mos and a ton of red flags. Moving in too soon, getting pregnant too soon, yelling and screaming...but those are your actions that you are responsible for.

 

How hoes he act around his family? Is he working/holding down a job? Do you work or go to school? To be honest it sounds like you are the one who should be getting help.

[Wiseman2]

Good luck with things.

[Caityhorsman]

Of course thats all you have to say. No one likes when they are proven wrong.

 

 

Good luck with things.

[Caityhorsman]

Why even bother asking questions if you're not going to elaborate on them afterwards?

 

 

 

Of course thats all you have to say. No one likes when they are proven wrong.

[Caityhorsman]

Why even bother asking questions if you aren't going to elaborate on them afterwards?

 

 

Good luck with things.

[Seraphim]

If your bf has autism life skills for him are going to probably be very difficult. They are not trying to be annoying but that is why it is called a developmental disorder. It can take them years to catch up to the skills of peers. If you are having a baby with an autistic person and you better start reading up on autism because it's fairly likely possible that you could have an autistic child .

 

I am the mother of an autistic adult.

[Seraphim]

Schizophrenia also be inherited .

[Caityhorsman]

And I understand that completely, he has a TOUCH of autism, and where it shows is in his social ques, and comprehension on things like (when he doesn't understand he's crossing a boundary or disrespecting me) he's extremely smart like most autistic people are, and you wouldn't know it by looking at him, or hearing him talk. But it's not JUST the autism I'm dealing with, it's all of it. He has borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, MMD, Bipolar, it's the whole mix and it's just NOW getting treated 19 years later. I understand it's going to be hard, I was asking on what I should do with all of this? Try to work through it in hopes he gets better? I'm not talking about his autism, that's not the problem for me, that's easily dealt with. It's everything else, it's the absurd and disrespect I have to go through in hopes in the end that will all go away and he will have a much better chemical balance in his brain. I've been with him for 6 months this and just TWO days ago found all of this out and I'm just searching for answers. I'm not tting on him (or your son) because he has slight autism, I'm not tingg on him at all, I'm trying to figure out what's best for MY mental health. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. I'm not blind to any of this information, I know very well he has a developmental and behavioral disorder, IM the one who pointed it out to him saying he should go see someone about it, I'm the biggest reason he is getting help.

 

 

 

 

 

If your bf has autism life skills for him are going to probably be very difficult. They are not trying to be annoying but that is why it is called a developmental disorder. It can take them years to catch up to the skills of peers. If you are having a baby with an autistic person and you better start reading up on autism because it's fairly likely possible that you could have an autistic child .

 

I am the mother of an autistic adult.

[Caityhorsman]

I'm not trying to come off rude either, I'm just trying to focus on what's best for me, I'm not asking on advice for him, already know what to do, and it's done, he's receiving help for it, I'm questioning on whether I should stay or not..

 

 

 

 

 

If your bf has autism life skills for him are going to probably be very difficult. They are not trying to be annoying but that is why it is called a developmental disorder. It can take them years to catch up to the skills of peers. If you are having a baby with an autistic person and you better start reading up on autism because it's fairly likely possible that you could have an autistic child .

 

I am the mother of an autistic adult.

[Seraphim]

For your mental health it is best to leave. You are in no way going to be able to save him. He has to do what his drs tell

him. Take his medications etc. If you feel there is constant angst it is best to leave. Someone with all his issues will be living at home for life most likely. I will assume you want your own life. This fellow has some very serious mental disorders, the schizophrenia ,bipolar ,personality disorder . Far too much for one person to deal with. I would watch your child as they grow up though. They are all inherited issues. Not to say that your child will have them but it is possible.

[Wolfshook]

Sorry if this sounds horrible,but you cant "fix" people. He has condition,but there has to be boundary at which you have to say "I cant risk my life any further".

[Iggy5129]

I'm trying to figure out what's best for MY mental health. Sometimes you need to put yourself first.

 

Pretty sure this is what wiseman was trying to tell you, but you didn't like HOW it was said so you flew off the handle.

 

How pregnant are you? It's obviously your choice, but I don't know if bringing a child into this situation is a smart idea. You're still a child yourself. You don't have the resources or support to make this work and it will really hold you back. I would not marry this guy and would seriously consider my options regarding the pregnancy if I was you. I fully understand if terminating is not something you believe in, again it's YOUR decision, YOUR body. But you need to really start thinking about how your actions affect your future. Please get on birth control after the pregnancy is over.

 

I understand you're desperate to help this guy, but if he doesn't want help or doesn't want to put in the effort it takes to help himself there's little you can do. You can't force him to want help. The only thing you can control is yourself and your actions. So start there. Get back into the workforce, save money, get your own place and from this day forward THINK before you act.

 

I really wish you luck. This sounds like a very difficult situation to be in at such a young age.

[Dahl]

What a miserable situation. I'm sorry that you're dealing with all of this.

 

What support system / people do you have access to, if any at the moment? Is there anyone who can intervene on your behalf with your uncle? Or is that a non-starter if he's going to be unreasonable due to your pregnancy?

 

Speaking of which, what about appealing to your OB/GYN? Your doctor and the support staff should be able to offer you information on resources, advice on protecting yourself from undue stress and possibly other suggestions from a unique medical perspective.

 

I wish you much luck. Cheers.

[Gary Snyder]

Oh girl, you are in a bad situation. Well, support him all you can with going to therapy. Maybe he will improve.... some people do. At least you have his sane mom there for support. Just start making a backup plan for moving if he gets to be too much to handle.

 

Whatever you do, don't get married. It's a sad thing to say, but people with serious issues are not a catch.

[IAmFCA]

Why even bother asking questions if you're not going to elaborate on them afterwards?

 

OP you are new to eNA and don't know Wiseman's voice, he is a good guy and means well. When he said you are the one who should be getting help, what I thought he meant was -- the one who should be getting support, the one for whom others should be working so that your life can get easier. And that is true -- you have had two years of employment, your mom left you without reliable housing, your uncle has tossed you out on the basis of you being 18 and pregnant --- there hasn't been enough love in your world.

 

You and your bf have that in common. You said he has a problem helping people -- same as his family bends over backwards for him. There are deeper issues in each of your lives, and it makes sense that you found a relationship in each other. It also makes sense that each of you is quick to anger, perhaps for different reasons. I don't blame either of you for any of it.

 

What matters is that you are in charge of yourself, and you get to choose who you want to be. Trying to find a way to respond to people without going to your angry place is a skill, and often uncomfortable one. It is useful, though. When I was arrested, I could feel how much I wanted to lash out; instead I used the obedience my parents taught me when I was little, and that enabled me to negotiate my way out before getting dressed out and all that mess. So, whether it is fair or not, finding a way to expect kindness out of others is in your own best interest.

 

For that reason, I assume others mean something in a kind manner even if they didn't. What does it matter what they think? Often, when I treat them as if they were being kind, they discover they would rather BE kind, and they switch over to being nice to me.

 

Stay on your path. Don't take the bait from anyone, whether you think Wiseman or anyone else is being disrespectful. Keep going. Imagine a track. You have two choices - make it around that track, or stop and address all the people standing around the field who are telling you that you can not do it. Which way gets you to your goal?

[IAmFCA]

By the time I posted my post, so much more feedback has poured in.

 

Hang in there.

 

I have an added piece of advice. So I am up to three:

 

(1) Focus on your GED, get that ASAP. I can not emphasize this enough. It will get tougher as pregnancy develops and then motherhood can be quite the distraction. If you let the GED slide, then get it later. Do. Not. Let. That. Slide. One of my friends got his GED much later in life; he is SO SMART! Yet he waited, kept doing other things. He told me he is so annoyed with himself, having spent years doing jobs that were below his skill level. You can do this.

 

(2) Contact Catholic Charities. I am sure you don't want shelter housing, or non-profit housing, but you will need it. AND, it doesn't hurt to ask. AND, even if you don't accept what they offer, you will have a new sense of security knowing what is available. Get on the waiting list, or ask them for advice. Use them to help you. Show up in person once a week and form a relationship with someone who works there. They will help you eventually, somehow, or make sure someone else will.

 

(3) Find a new mentor. Your house-mom is not a suitable mentor. Her heart is in a good place, it seems. But she failed in teaching her son, she failed in teaching herself the difference between charity and assistance. Her son needed to learn life skills; instead, he learned to depend on other people accommodating him. She likely needs support herself. And you need ways to put distance between you, your baby, and your own living situation. You need a mentor who is not related to the father of your child. Catholic Charities might be able to help, or someone at your old job, or maybe wander into a local church - or several - until you find someone who seems like a good fit. Choose a woman whose own life is stable and who accepts you as you are, while also encouraging you to be closer and closer to your best version of you.