Sex is not as important anymore to him, dealbreaker?

[spideyweb21]

Hello and thank you for reading my post. My bf and I have been together for 6 years. We have a house together and genuinely love eachother as we grow a future together. However, sex has just died completely. We do it every 4 to 6 weeks now! Its very frustrating and makes me feel quite awful and insecure. Weirdly we still connect intimately. We cuddle every day, he kisses me and fondles my womanly parts often. He sends me cute texts and surprises me. The love is not lost. However, there could be other reasons for it and I dont know if I just need to be more patient. Here is a summary of his and my external stresses/factors.

- He gets migraines which are very painful some night's

- He has put on 80 lbs in the last 6 years (he is aware, just doesnt have the time)

- He is in school and has recently started his own business in construction. Work along with school keeps him busy 12 to 14 hours a day including many weekends

- He comes home tired and in pain from manual labor work and falls asleep very quickly.

- I have put on 50 lbs in 6 years and I look horrible! I am working on it ...

- I have a very high stress job that keeps me at work 10 to 12 hours a day

He says he wants to have sex but every time we schedule it he or I postpone it due to work or feeling tired or sick. He hasn't had a day off in 2 months! And hes upset that I complain about our sexless life almost every other day.

 

I just don't know what to do. Starting a business is tough and we are in our late 20s. But it feels like we are already 50!

 

Am I selfish to complain? I do feel very loved by him. And I know he's not cheating on me. Hes on job sites and campus and I have complete access to his emails and phone and conversations. Not that I have looked. But we have been open with eachother.

 

Any help is appreciated. Thanks.

[Navo]

Wow, just being honest here, but it sounds like you guys need a vacation bad. Like, I don't know...think of a place he would like to go, get the plans set up to go there without him knowing, and spring it on him as a surprise. You guys need a break from the rat race. That's all it sounds like to me. I hope this helps.

[Batya33]

It sounds like a combination of things but the issue is that you're feeling insecure about it. I actually am a fan of scheduling if there are busy schedules and as far as "time" what about quickies? I also think that both of you need to work on the weight gain if it is affecting your health as it is (and if you want a family some day then being overweight could harm that opportunity).

[Fudgie]

It sounds like you are both under major stress to the point that it has affected you poorly in terms of health and weight and such. No wonder you're having a difficult time, you both sound very stressed and people who are unhealthy can have sexual desire/function issues. How does he feel about getting healthier? Is this something you can do together? How can you both cut back at work in a way that would benefit you?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Did it gradually drop off or stagnate from moving in together? How recent is this?

 

How old is he? Does he have ED? Both of you would benefit from a medical check up and a healthier lifestyle. Do that together. or at least lead by example by getting started yourself.

 

Start eating healthier, join diet support programs. Get alcohol out of the house. Get involved in a gym, walking, exercise classes, etc.

 

It sounds like you are avoiding sex just as much, why blame him?

My bf and I have been together for 6 years. We have a house together as we grow a future together. However, sex has just died completely.We cuddle every day, he kisses me and fondles my womanly parts often.

- He gets migraines which are very painful some night's

- He has put on 80 lbs in the last 6 years

- I have put on 50 lbs in 6 years and I look horrible! I am working on it ...

- I have a very high stress job that keeps me at work 10 to 12 hours a day

I postpone it due to work or feeling tired or sick.

[spideyweb21]

It has gradually dropped off, almost consistently with our weight gain. He has always had the migraine issue and school, work is a fairly new venture for him. For many years I supported us both and I never minded. He wants to be able to contribute regularly as well and has doubled down on getting this business to work so we can have a much more comfortable life (his words when we argued about how much he works).

 

Yes I do postpone it as well. I end up having GI issues frequently due to coming home past 8 or 9 from work and eating dinner late. He has similar GI issues for the same reasons. Its the one thing we do consistently. We are both tired by 9pm mentally and physically. We are trying to eat healthier now and I am trying to work out regularly.

 

Regarding vacations we both havent had one together in a while. Our schedules are different since hes in school so we ended up taking separate ones with our families. We are trying to go away for a short while in April tho.

 

My fears reside in my insecurity. That hes no longer attracted to me. And ive asked him point blank and he said that isnt the case and if it was he wouldn't be touching me all the time. He sees it as a period of stress and craziness with a new business and that he does miss having sex. He gets really upset when i keep bringing it up. He feels like that's all that matters to me and everything else falls to the wayside because we havent had sex. He got so mad this weekend ... he had to postpone sex due to a job that came in last minute and I reacted by saying, so I guess we arent doing anything tonight then. Sigh

[Wiseman2]

Then being healthier and getting check ups is the first place to start. As you realized nagging won't help and kills the mood. Try creating a peaceful relaxing environment. Does he have ed from the obesity and poor health/fitness? Without appropriate health and lifestyle changes it will only get worse.

It has gradually dropped off, almost consistently with our weight gain.

[Matt3939]

Maybe actions not words? You say he touches you but it never goes further? Do you do the same thing in return? If you do go for it. I do mean really go to initiate something does he stop it? I had an ex she would cause fights then expect sex later. She would say "are you going to have sex with me?" When it was put that way no way I was going to. It sounds like you 2 aren't fighting. I wouldn't pose it as a question. I'd initiate even if it's not full on sex at least it would be something. Make it fun.

[spideyweb21]

He doesn't have ED, he is able to perform fully. And he does watch porn etc, as do I since we are so out of sync right now. The sad part is tonight we were both home and free and planning to have sex. But he had both a migraine as well as a painful cut on his thigh from work which was preventing him from moving around with ease. I was pretty disappointed, I know its not his fault. But I still flippantly said, I feel like your roommate (insinuating we are bffs who do things together except have sex). I've said this to him before so he knew what I meant. This time he just got very upset and said he felt like sometimes I dont really love him. Why can't I just shut up and actually feel for him and what hes going through??? I really am miserable inside. I feel like a selfish human being and I am not really like that. I do love him, with all my heart. And I do want him to succeed. But the way he views me right now saddens me. And I guess besides the sex, I need to work on my communication skills with him and watch what I say? What do you guys think? (This is all besides eating healthy and working out which I am at least doing now)

[Batya33]

Food=mood so I think if you both improve your lifestyle that should improve too(that and get more and daily cardio exercise).

[Ashley5886]

Omg you sound just like me and my boyfriend! We stopped having sex and i was being so annoying and constantly making comments. Similar stresses as he had gained 30 lbs in less than a year and with us blending families and working night shift blah. Anyways, the side comments HAVE to stop....I am probably more guilty than you but there is no better way to make it worse. However *knockonwood* its getting better here!we committed to being healthier this year. Mentally prepared for a far off date to start making changes (in that time I was banned from discussing the sex issue). So since Jan he has lost 30 lbs and for at least the last month we have had sex almost everyday. I think its the weight gain thing w men physically especially (out of breath, hard to breath, insecure, etc). Your relationship has me jealous!!! But I feel like the weight thing is a barrier w men they don't even realize and as women we just assume its BC they don't like us. So all I can suggest from my experience is to stop hinting at it so there's no pressure, start talking about competing on fitness pal to be healthy and even if ur tired..fit in a little lazy sex good luck!