Can't get over hurtful things abusive ex said to me

[thbanquet]

My ex and I broke up a year ago, but a confluence of things have made the breakup very traumatic and haunting for me:

 

1. We were together around the time my relationship between me and my abusive mother finally ended. Long story short: she had always abused me physically and emotionally before getting a divorce from my cheating father for years (who more or less at that time abandoned me for his new gf/wife) and dumping all of her hatred for him upon me. She made me stay in her place and work in the same office as her even though I had my own pursuits and wanted to get my own place. Every fortnight, she'd beat me up for one reason or another. The years of her abuse had totally destroyed my self-esteem and sense of autonomy when I first met ex. She didn't want me to meet men at all. I remember being very afraid that she'd catch me wearing makeup. In her words, she didn't want me to be with local men as they were sexist and abusive (lol). Eventually I had to shut down all of my emotions. I remember when I met my ex, I was on total auto-pilot, didn't think much or feel much of anything at all. I didn't even keep contacts with my friends, as the abuse I suffered at home made me feel so ashamed that I couldn't open up to anybody. So I was depressed and of course not emotionally available.

 

2. But he wasn't either. I know now that he had used me as a rebound, as the woman he had loved for years just announced a few months before that she'd get married. We met at the same office I was forced to work in by my mother. He knew my mother, who had a reputation of being emotionally unstable. At first, we were very passionate as he desperately wanted to forget his old girl and I was desperately lonely and just glad that someone could finally understand my situation without me going out of my way to explain. In my way, I really did love him.

 

3. But my mother found out and made life even more hellish for me. For the first few days, she would just beat me and scream whenever she saw me. Then one night she threw me out of the house. I made the mistake of not having prepared for this situation, as I had been too depressed to entertain thoughts of future. The day I went to get my stuff and move out, my mother stood outside and told my ex all kinds of horrible things about me, which I only found out from ex after breakup. My ex supported me financially for a while, which I intended at that time to pay him back after I got back to my feet.

 

4. However, the situation got too real for him, as he probably were over the honeymoon period anyway and realized that I was just a rebound. He eventually sought to confirm all the things my mother said about me in a subconscious effort, I think, to get rid of me. He would offer to buy me things and such, which I should have refused but I was inexperienced in relationship and in a lot of turmoil as I finally processed my feelings after getting away from my mother.

 

5. I tried to break up several times as he got emotionally abusive (I was first drawn to this man probably because abuse victim tends to get drawn to abusers). Then eventually we broke up for real. And he texted me such horrid, hurtful things. He called me a golddigger and made me feel worthless as person. Sometimes I would see him in our workplace, and he would smirk in such villainous ways that I wondered if I hallucinated. This destroyed me as I was already struggling with feelings of worthlessness caused by my mother. Then I found out that he had used me as a rebound, which depressed me even further, as everything we did together, all the memories were tainted by the thought that he thought of another woman the entire time. But eventually I stopped loving and missing him. I quitted my old job and cut off all contacts with both my mother and him. Before that I offered to pay him back all the money he spent on me, but he refused and called me more terrible things. So I just erased all traces of his existences in my life and got away.

 

6. But I'm still struggling with thoughts of worthleness as I had never been truly cherished by another human being, including my family. I must be just trash, that couldn't compare to his old girl, that's why he treated me that way. I know on a conscious level that this is not true, but the feelings can't be rationalized away. Sometimes I can't stop looking at his old girl's facebook and compare looks and things like that. There have been men who show interest and seem nice, but I really do not have the capacity to give them love and attention as I am so consumed with my lack of self-respect.

[Hollyj]

Are you receiving treatment?

[gebaird]

His words are only hurtful if you allow yourself to believe them. The guy is gone, but his poison remains.

 

The truth about you, as I hope you will one day discover, is so much different than you think.

 

Sometimes it helps to ask the right questions. Each time you find yourself thinking of your own worthlessness and dwelling on the things your abusers have said to you, intercept that thought and examine it as follows. Let's use the "gold-digger" accusation as an example.

 

Step 1: Ask yourself, "Is is true? Am I really a gold-digger?"

 

Step 2: Ask yourself, "Can I know for certain that it's true?"

 

Step 3: Ask yourself, "How do I feel and act when I believe the thought that I'm a gold-digger?"

 

Step 4: Ask yourself, "Who would I be without the thought that I'm a gold-digger? How would it change my life?"

 

Step 5: Turn it around and see if there is greater truth in the words, "I'm not a gold-digger." Does that feel as true or more true than the words "I am a gold-digger?"

 

Because of the abuse you've been subjected to, your beliefs are working against you. The path to healing involves questioning those beliefs. You could repeat the above process -- which comes from a book called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie -- with something like, "I'm worthless" and see if it helps. By examining and questioning the contents of your mind, you can discover and eradicate the lies it contains.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you went from the frying pan to the fire. You need to move out, disconnect from your mother, get therapy and begin to heal and put the abuse in the past as well as recognize it for what it is.

 

There is a great deal of information out there about this in addition to one-on-one therapy :

 

Maternal child abuse

[thbanquet]

Are you receiving treatment?

 

I want to be in therapy. But it is so expensive where I live, and the insurance doesn't cover it. My dad has offered to help, but I feel so awful taking that money from him. There are only, like, 2 psychiatrists where I live, and I don't think they are very highly trained. When I get really depressed, like right now, I don't have the strength to contact and visit them. When I feel better, they just look at me and say "oh you're normal" because they actually have to treat patients who have had seizures in front of them.

[thbanquet]

His words are only hurtful if you allow yourself to believe them. The guy is gone, but his poison remains.

 

The truth about you, as I hope you will one day discover, is so much different than you think.

 

Sometimes it helps to ask the right questions. Each time you find yourself thinking of your own worthlessness and dwelling on the things your abusers have said to you, intercept that thought and examine it as follows. Let's use the "gold-digger" accusation as an example.

 

Step 1: Ask yourself, "Is is true? Am I really a gold-digger?"

 

Step 2: Ask yourself, "Can I know for certain that it's true?"

 

Step 3: Ask yourself, "How do I feel and act when I believe the thought that I'm a gold-digger?"

 

Step 4: Ask yourself, "Who would I be without the thought that I'm a gold-digger? How would it change my life?"

 

Step 5: Turn it around and see if there is greater truth in the words, "I'm not a gold-digger." Does that feel as true or more true than the words "I am a gold-digger?"

 

Because of the abuse you've been subjected to, your beliefs are working against you. The path to healing involves questioning those beliefs. You could repeat the above process -- which comes from a book called "Loving What Is" by Byron Katie -- with something like, "I'm worthless" and see if it helps. By examining and questioning the contents of your mind, you can discover and eradicate the lies it contains.

 

Thank you. In the end, before I cut off all contacts with him and my mother, I offered to pay him back the money, but he showed his true colours when he continued to verbally and emotionally abuse me without giving me the chance to pay him back. It would have been way less cowardly and vile had he just told me he had stopped having feelings for me.

 

The most harrowing part of the relationship was that ex, at his angriest, would say horrible things to me that I had thought to myself for a long time: that I was depressed and failed in high school (when my parents got divorced, before that, I was a very good student) because I was too weak to overcome my familial circumstances. With time, I had been able to rationalize myself somewhat out of this destructive thought-pattern. When we first met, he used to tell me wonderful things about myself, and I wrongly believed that I had finally met someone who would bring hope into my life and love me fully unlike my parents, who both abandoned me in different ways. In the end, he told me that he had no respect for me at all and sort of laughed at me for not having a happy family. I think, in a way, I sought out to confirm all these terrible things about myself by dating this abusive person. It is possible that since only now have I cut the abusive people out of my life, I am dealing with the grief and sadness that I had so ardently repressed before.

[jennylove]

Please remember: "hurt people, hurt people" - and once you realize that it's true, you'll understand that his words are a reflection of how he feels about himself and he's projecting on to you.

 

Goldigger: He may not be a goldigger, perse, but he subconsciously feel like he used you.

 

I have a sister who has sent me some of the most abusive, vile, horrible texts or emails in the universe. I mean character assaniation with a capital CA. I'd get these texts in the middle of the day and had no idea she was even upset at me until receiving them. These texts used to really upset me at first. but after a couple times, I'd become angry and text her back that she's crazy. And then one day I realized she's hurting and that she's taking it out on me. This realization helped me to not get mad or sad, but accept and forgive her. But truth be told, I accept her from a distance. I cut her off because she's done too many horrible things and has gossiped too much about me. I love her, from a distance. Best thing ever for me, wish I would've done it sooner! I know this post isn't about me, I'm just sharing my story of being verbally abused and how I healed, hoping it can help you.

 

By the way: when at my lowest point in life with 0 self esteem, my sister would text me how ugly I am, her words, I looked like a "cave woman" or once she said I looked like a "freak" like "Janice Joplin" and made fun of me for not being in a sexual relationship for a long time, etc. Her words affected me for a loong time, I believed her and it affected me because I was scared to ask men out in fear that they thought the same way. It sounds like your mom and my sister are similar. It's tough to overcome but you can and will overcome this abuse.

[thbanquet]

Please remember: "hurt people, hurt people" - and once you realize that it's true, you'll understand that his words are a reflection of how he feels about himself and he's projecting on to you.

 

Goldigger: He may not be a goldigger, perse, but he subconsciously feel like he used you.

 

I have a sister who has sent me some of the most abusive, vile, horrible texts or emails in the universe. I mean character assaniation with a capital CA. I'd get these texts in the middle of the day and had no idea she was even upset at me until receiving them. These texts used to really upset me at first. but after a couple times, I'd become angry and text her back that she's crazy. And then one day I realized she's hurting and that she's taking it out on me. This realization helped me to not get mad or sad, but accept and forgive her. But truth be told, I accept her from a distance. I cut her off because she's done too many horrible things and has gossiped too much about me. I love her, from a distance. Best thing ever for me, wish I would've done it sooner! I know this post isn't about me, I'm just sharing my story of being verbally abused and how I healed, hoping it can help you.

 

By the way: when at my lowest point in life with 0 self esteem, my sister would text me how ugly I am, her words, I looked like a "cave woman" or once she said I looked like a "freak" like "Janice Joplin" and made fun of me for not being in a sexual relationship for a long time, etc. Her words affected me for a loong time, I believed her and it affected me because I was scared to ask men out in fear that they thought the same way. It sounds like your mom and my sister are similar. It's tough to overcome but you can and will overcome this abuse.

 

Thank you. I will try to remind myself of this.

 

One night a few months ago, an old friend also told me that, "your mother said all that terrible things about you because she wanted to dump her terrible feelings about herself on you". He had been someone who really cared for me, but when I was younger and had even more issues than now I just really didn't care for his feelings at all. I were hammered with thoughts that I were worthless for so long that I have a hard time accepting real healthy love when it comes my way and dwell endlessly on my abusive ex. I have lots of things to work on.