Confused On How to Interpret His Actions

[ZoeWinter]

A week ago, a guy I was seeing for just over a month broke things off with me after I said something hurtful to him. His initial reaction was to delete and block me from Facebook and he refused to take my call. Since then he has re-added me on Facebook but he was supposed to meet me on Friday to have a chat and get his belongings but no showed.

 

When he's messaged me, he's been quite adamant about not wanting to be with me and keeps making snarky remarks about how I need to pursue my other options. He's either snarky with me or ignores me. He has also made FB posts that I feel are to make me jealous or prove how he doesn't want me.

 

I have his XBox, 5 games and a backpack - all stuff that I would assume he would want back but he's made no mention of getting his things. I also find it odd that he keeps telling me how much he doesn't want anything to do with me but yet he re-added me to Facebook. If he truly wanted nothing to do with me my assumption is that he would have kept me deleted and blocked and at the least, sent a friend to get his stuff so then there would no longer be any reason for me to contact him.

 

I'd like to reconcile with him but am confused about how to read his behaviour. My plan was to give him space for a couple weeks and not initiate contact with him and then see if he wants to go for a coffee or something so I can return his stuff.

[JaggerJim]

What did you say that was hurtful?

[Wiseman2]

What's up with the 'options' sarcasm? How long were you dating? He sounds immature, how old is he?

 

Yes, go no contact until he contacts you to get his stuff. Delete, block, unfriend and unfollow him from all social media.

When he's messaged me, he's been quite adamant about not wanting to be with me and keeps making snarky remarks about how I need to pursue my other options. He has also made FB posts that I feel are to make me jealous or prove how he doesn't want me. I have his XBox, 5 games and a backpack

[ZoeWinter]

It was a situation that reminded me of something an abusive ex of mine did and I just reacted to that and not really what the situation was. The guy had just gotten fired and in that moment of hurt that took me back to the ex, I called him an unemployed pothead with nothing to offer. I am so regretful for it and apologized immediately and have tried explaining to him about the ex and how I was responding to that and not him. I get why he's hurt - it was a low thing to say but as he came from an abusive household, I thought that he would also be kind of understanding and forgiving of some of the trauma it leaves behind.

[ZoeWinter]

The options thing is that he is aware of a couple of other men that are interested in dating me currently so I have the capacity to move on quite easily if I want to.

 

He's 25, so younger.

 

Yeah, I probably should just delete him and not continue to allow him to see what I'm up to or continue to make posts for my benefit. It's is way of hurting me back and I shouldn't engage it by staying on his social media where he knows I'm seeing it.

[JaggerJim]

He obviously had calmed down to re-add you to facebook. But maybe he's doing you a favor by telling you to meet other people. What you said hit home for him.

 

Even if he does start talking to you again, do you want to be with a drug addict?

[Wiseman2]

How is he aware of this? Were you holding that over his head?

The options thing is that he is aware of a couple of other men that are interested in dating me currently so I have the capacity to move on quite easily if I want to.

 

Oops... this isn't worth backpedaling from. Let this go. This remark can't be unsaid but if it's how you think of him, then breaking up was the right thing for him to do.

I called him an unemployed pothead with nothing to offer.

[ZoeWinter]

I think his ego took a kicking as he couldn't argue what I said because it is the truth.

 

I enjoyed his company a lot and we had a lot in common but yes, it might do me some good to genuinely review if an unemployed pothead is really a catch. LOL. Now that I'm talking it out..........................

 

I was more just curious if he reopened contact and isn't rushing to get his stuff, despite what he says, because he is open to a reconciliation. The actions counter the words to me a bit because he had me completely gone if that was what he really wanted.

[JaggerJim]

I think your better off just giving the Xbox back to him, and calling it a day. If he's just the type to just get fired from jobs, then he really does not care about much. He may like you, but sometimes it's just not enough.

[ZoeWinter]

He was just aware of it because when he first meant I was going on dates with these guys. We were initially just introduced as friends by a mutual friend so didn't go in to meeting thinking we'd date.

 

Yeah, I can't unsay it. I don't really think that low of him, he has a ton of potential if he focuses. I was hurt by his actions that reminded me of my ex's behaviour and just reacted to my hurt by hurting back. It was an emotional visceral response that I immediately regretted because he didn't deserve that. I was more responding to the ex in that moment.

[Wiseman2]

It sounds like you are not ready to date, if you are lashing out randomly because of your ex.

I was hurt by his actions that reminded me of my ex's behaviour and just reacted to my hurt by hurting back. It was an emotional visceral response that I immediately regretted because he didn't deserve that. I was more responding to the ex in that moment.

[ZoeWinter]

Considering he was fired because he could never get his schedule straight so never showed up for shifts shows a lot of irresponsibility. I am sure the weed doesn't help with that. Yeah, you're probably right - though what I said sucked and I take full ownership of how mean it was - I may have dodged a bullet in reality by this all happening and ending.

[ZoeWinter]

I definitely still have some healing to do. I guess I was just hoping for some understanding and patience on his end because he's been on my side and I had shown some patience and forgiveness towards him.

[Clio]

You were emotionally abusive to someone you knew had been abused in the past and yet you feel that your past trauma entitled you to abuse him because 'he knows how it is'. His behaviour sounds passive aggressive which makes sense given his past. Your behaviour was mentally abusive so it is best if you two do not get back together. Overall the dynamic you described sounds unhealthy. If you cannot refrain from verbal abuse you have no business being in a relationship. If he lost his job due to weed he also has no business being in a relationship.

[ZoeWinter]

I don't think what I did was ok at all. Hence my remorse and acknowledgement of it. I also went back in to counselling to ensure that I don't repeat that behaviour to anyone. I take it very seriously but also, I had some hope of that he would understand a bad moment. I'm only human. It would be different if I continued on with that behaviour, if I justified it in any way but the next day I jumped on fixing it by booking in with my counsellor. I have taken a proactive stance with it which shows how much I care and am ashamed of it. I hate that I had a PTSD moment that hurt someone's feelings.

[milly007]

If anyone I was in a relationship with personally attacked me by calling me names and making me feel worthless, I'd easily walk away from the relationship and never look back. There's no recovering from that because at that point, the trust is broken and you see the person who was calling you names in a completely different light.

 

Him re-adding you on Facebook is neither here nor there. You'd both be better off just deleting each other from social media.

 

I suspect he re-added you on FB because he knew that you would see his posts.

 

I'd cut ties and move on.

[ZoeWinter]

He had lashed out at me once in the weeks prior but I forgave him no question once he explained about his childhood and how he sometimes does that to be self-protective but acknowledges that it isn't ok. I thought maybe out of that he's return the favour as long as it never happened again. But yeah, it obviously hasn't started out in the healthiest way so it probably is the best idea to just move on from it. He both still have things to work on in the way we respond to our past trauma.

 

Thanks for the feedback. It made me think more on the issue and realize that this isn't a good situation for either of us to be in so probably best just to give him his things and cut ties.

[Wiseman2]

One unhealthy person = an unhealthy relationship

Two unhealthy people = a toxic relationship

 

If after dating 2 mos when all should be smiles and rainbows this toxicity is leaking out from both of you, neither of you are ready to date and still blaming your pasts too much. Blaming other people in the past for one's current behavior is a huge red flag that the abuse will continue because they have a "reason" for it...at least in their minds.

[ZoeWinter]

Yeah, I see how I need more time to heal. The trial of my ex is still ahead of me and I need to deal with that so it's not like he's even fully out of my life yet. He was arrested just over a year ago for domestic abuse and I thought the 5 months of counselling I did immediately following had me in a better spot than I obviously am. You only know you still have work to do though when you do attempt to enter in to a new relationship, as day to day, I was doing fine and not letting the ex affect me. When it comes to situations though that mirror things he said or did, I react badly and it isn't healthy to bring in to something new.

[SooSad33]

He has also made FB posts that I feel are to make me jealous or prove how he doesn't want me.

- I am guessing he is kinda young- well he acts it anyways!

 

WHY waste your time on someone like this???

 

Move on.. Remove him from your Fb. he needs to grow up.