We are on a break.

[Pretzel]

It finally happened, I could feel that it might have been coming, with all the mini dramas in the last few weeks.

 

We met in September last year, have been dating since early October, and we had no problems, everything was smooth like nothing else i had ever experienced and i've never been more excited by someone before and could feel it was completely mutual.

 

But- the little conflicts started happening in January. For the most part, we had been quite good at dealing with the arguments. It never got out of control like how it did in my previous relationships that were heated. This one was never like that. We would just disagree on something for a bit, there would be a bit of friction - he might emotionally withdraw - and then after a bit of space we apologize to one another and see what we will do to work through it. On the whole, it felt quite mature.

 

But on the weekend on the way home from a night out with him & his friends I was sulking about a very small and stupid misunderstanding and was giving him a hard time because I was annoyed, and he looked confused and frustrated and eventually simply said 'I'm not doing this anymore'. And I was horrified. We had both been drinking, so i think that added to all the emotions. I barely slept that night. We texted a bit in the morning about how awful we felt and I asked if we can fix what's happened, and he asked to talk later in the afternoon. So he came over and we had a very long (2/3 hours) and very frank chat about where we are and why we have argued lately and where this is going. I admitted that it's been mainly me (my insecurities) that always starts the petty arguments, and that I perhaps need sometime to work on dealing with communicating better as opposed to going into a sulk. He admitted as well that he broke up with his ex so suddenly that sometimes he just feels emotionally stunted and unable to 'love' properly as he has not yet healed fully and he wondered if that contributed somewhat to my insecurities, and doesn't blame me for that. He clarified that he doesn't want to get back together with his ex, but that he does probably need a bit more time until he can fully love someone new yet. He said that ultimately our decision to move forwards with the relationship depends on whether he can see a future with me, and told me quite frankly that he's looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and doesn't to invest any more if we don't have it in for the long run. He said that with me, he just does not know yet. I told him that it's too soon to try and decide for us anyway (5 months) and that he surely can't know yet if this will last another 10 years (right?? Surely he's rushing this too much?) He said he was frustrated, because he would like to know, but that it's not a 'no' but it's also not a 'yes' and that he just wants to know - and he thinks this is largely due to me living with my parents as our relationship hasn't been progressing in a 'normal' context as i can never stay over and i often have anxieties about my parents. I could understand it from his perspective. I agreed and said that from April/May when i move out into my flat that we would know more and that i just need his patience until i take that step and we can know more how compatible we are. He said that all of this aside, he is very into me and doesn't want to take more than a 2-week break because he'll miss me, but he asked how long i think is appropriate given our issues. I said I just don't know, but we can start with 2 weeks as a rough guideline and just see what happens.

 

It's only been about 2 days but am already feeling the emptiness and sudden absence, and it's certainly weird and scary. I can't help wondering what thoughts he has had since, and just wondering if he's missing me or drifting away. But I think this is for the best. I'm glad we are finally doing something dramatic to stop our pattern of little arguments. I'm trying to use this time positively and in a healthy way.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It sounds like he's not ready to date or have a relationship. However he's pointed out a valuable lesson about how your home life/family dynamics adversely affects your ability to date.

 

Go no contact and let things cool down but don't get strung along, it sounds like he's out.

He said he was frustrated, because he would like to know, but that it's not a 'no' but it's also not a 'yes' and that he just wants to know - and he thinks this is largely due to me living with my parents as our relationship hasn't been progressing in a 'normal' context as i can never stay over and i often have anxieties about my parents.

[Pretzel]

I've gone fully NC and don't plan to reach out until i hear from him.

 

On the one hand it sounds like he's out but on the other i think he still wants to explore things further whenever we are ready - or he is ready. He insisted that he wants me to keep some of his belongings (such as books etc) and my place and for me to read / enjoy until we meet again.

[Dahl]

I'm so sorry, Pretzel. You've really been to the wars with this. I am genuinely rooting for you.

 

I think that you are absolutely doing the best thing for yourself at this point by employing no contact. You are not giving up or endorsing a breakup - you are just accepting what is a present state and protecting yourself. You're being smart and forward thinking, not quitting.

 

And you deserve to be given some buffer from the strife you're combating.

 

This really will get better. Head high, mate.

[Pretzel]

I'm so sorry, Pretzel. You've really been to the wars with this. I am genuinely rooting for you.

 

I think that you are absolutely doing the best thing for yourself at this point by employing no contact. You are not giving up or endorsing a breakup - you are just accepting what is a present state and protecting yourself. You're being smart and forward thinking, not quitting.

 

And you deserve to be given some buffer from the strife you're combating.

 

This really will get better. Head high, mate.

 

Thank you so much. This was nice to read especially after I felt I made such a fool of myself after crying so intensely in front of him on Saturday night.

Our long talk on Sunday was calm and rational, no tears. We were both fully present and open to talking. But at the back of my mind I felt that twinge of regret still from how emotional I got the night before and hoped that didn't change his opinion of me (that he'd think I'm fragile).

I guess all I can do now is just do the right thing going forwards and not have a repeat performance of Saturday night again.

Thanks again for your support.

[Knight2001]

hi,

i hope this all works out for the best for you, whether it's moving forward with the relationship or moving forward without your current partner.

is there a reason you have your insecurities which you think start these little arguments?

i used to argue constantly with my ex because of her insecurities. i thought the world of her, but these insecurities force us apart. could you tr to be more secure in yourself and believe in the raltionship you are in ?

good luck, and i hope it all works out for you.

[Pretzel]

Hi thank you for your advice. I think i just needed more reassurance from him from time to time. But the insecurities started very suddenly - about 3/4 months in. I'm guessing it's probably from the moment i started to feel more attached to him, i freaked out. And also from the moment he made it 'official' that we are a couple.

 

Partly, my previous relationship left me with some insecurities. But as soon as i recognized that, i have worked on that and started to trust more (since January). But partly, I was also scared of him not being able to love because he jumped so quickly into our relationship following breaking up with his ex - and to be fair he confirmed this insecurity in our last talk where he basically confirmed that he's just not ready as he would like to be. That he has flashes of love but needs more time.

 

I've been reflecting more on our last talk and can't help but feel he's been very hasty and impatient about everything- forcing a fast track to intimacy. Surely it takes more than 5 months anyway to know you love someone or to know you want to spend your life with them. Right??

I asked him what he sees as the positives in our relationship and he said: 'I fancy the hell out of you and want you all the time, when we are apart and also every time i look at you, even looking at you from afar.' We do have strong chemistry and a VERY healthy S life. But is that enough to carry the weight of a relationship? He also said he enjoys it when i organize cultural things to do which get him out of the house, has enjoyed every one of our dates, enjoys the company of my friends, and how I am very loving and attentive.

[MissCanuck]

I think he's just not ready yet. It seems he wants to be, but he's not over his ex yet.

 

I imagine everything else compounds the underlying problem of him not being healed from his previous relationship. Perhaps you sensed this and contributed to you feeling insecure. I do agree that sulking or picking arguments wasn't the way to deal with it, but I also don't think that's the primary cause of this break. I think it simply brought the deeper issue to a head

 

And no, 5 months isn't enough time to know if you want to spend your life with someone. I completely agree with you. But again, I feel that's beside the point. He's not able to really imagine a future with anyone else yet because he's not ready to let go of his past completely.

 

In my experience, strong chemistry and fun dates are unfortunately not enough if the other person's heart isn't open. I experienced this after ending a long-term relationship myself. I dated a little shortly after the split, and though the guy was lovely and the physical intimacy was great...my heart wasn't really in it. I tried but I couldn't ignore my feeling that I just needed to be alone for a while. To be honest, there was nothing he could have done differently. It really was me, and not him. And so I called it off. The difference in my case is that I ended it completely.

 

Having this space might give you both the chance to reset and reconsider if this right. You should reflect on whether your needs can be satisfied with him, and if you want to continue with someone who is experiencing such hesitation.

[Pretzel]

I think he's just not ready yet. It seems he wants to be, but he's not over his ex yet.

 

I imagine everything else compounds the underlying problem of him not being healed from his previous relationship. Perhaps you sensed this and contributed to you feeling insecure. I do agree that sulking or picking arguments wasn't the way to deal with it, but I also don't think that's the primary cause of this break. I think it simply brought the deeper issue to a head

 

And no, 5 months isn't enough time to know if you want to spend your life with someone. I completely agree with you. But again, I feel that's beside the point. He's not able to really imagine a future with anyone else yet because he's not ready to let go of his past completely.

 

In my experience, strong chemistry and fun dates are unfortunately not enough if the other person's heart isn't open. I experienced this after ending a long-term relationship myself. I dated a little shortly after the split, and though the guy was lovely and the physical intimacy was great...my heart wasn't really in it. I tried but I couldn't ignore my feeling that I just needed to be alone for a while. To be honest, there was nothing he could have done differently. It really was me, and not him. And so I called it off. The difference in my case is that I ended it completely.

 

Having this space might give you both the chance to reset and reconsider if this right. You should reflect on whether your needs can be satisfied with him, and if you want to continue with someone who is experiencing such hesitation.

 

This makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

[Pretzel]

One thing that worried me about his way of seeing things in general was that when I said: "It sounds as if you aren't ready because you still have emotional ties..." he interrupted me and said: "I will ALWAYS have emotional ties". And i was a little taken aback by this. He said that he will always have emotional ties to every single one of his exes (there are maybe 3 or 4 exes from his lifetime). And I thought woah- I literally have zero feelings towards any of mine. And I said: "Fine, but they have to be healthy emotional ties, not ones that prevent you from moving on". To this, he didn't have anything to say, which I'm guessing means he agreed. He just simply said 'I recognize this feeling I'm having now, I've had it before, and I just need to give it time'.

 

I guess I can only know more after we meet again after a couple of weeks...

[MissCanuck]

Do you know if he's actually still in touch with his ex, OP?

[SherrySher]

I am just being honest with you, this relationship is having far too many problems for this early on.

I think he means it when he says he's not ready for anything serious and you possibly might need to work on your insecurities before getting into a serious relationship anyhow. I just don't think this is working out very well for either of you, I'm sorry OP.

[Pretzel]

They spoke once on the phone since they broke up 6 months ago and he said he feels overwhelming guilt still over breaking up with her and just wants to be there for her if she needs to talk but that they are not in regular contact or anything like that - they only talked the one time. He has reassured me that he was not happy in that relationship and his decision to break up with her is firm. That he felt relief after they broke up, but just that he cares about her as a person and wants to do the right thing.

 

I had a hard time accepting this at first, and we had a couple of arguments about it (hence my insecurities about this issue) and we agreed on the fact that he just needs more time until he can tell her about a new relationship IF they talk again - as he wasn't able to tell her during their last call because he feels so terrible about rubbing it in her face / moving on so fast. I told him that I'll give him more time to tell her (if they talk again), but that this cannot go on indefinitely. I kind of put my foot down about that - and he heard me loud and clear. We settled and wrapped up the issue there; he just asked me to trust him that this is nothing i have to worry about. So I chose to trust him on that.

 

But all along, it never occurred to me that he can still not be ready for a new relationship despite the fact that he doesn't want to get back together with his ex. I didn't see that as a possibility (as i thought the two are mutually exclusive) but i guess i was wrong.

 

I did ask him once if I'm his rebound; and he responded to say no, because he was ready to meet someone new a long time ago (ie he mentally checked out of that relationship well before he ended it).

 

BUT still - I guess he still needs some time to have his 'heart open' as you rightly said.

 

I don't think this is the end; we have a strong bond and I felt a lot of certainty from him that he wants to make it work - the kind I've never really had from anyone else. He has hesitations about us in the longer term because of the last couple of weeks, but overall he has said that no one else has woken up so many things inside him and he hopes that I don't stop. I just want to add that in case I've put a really negative spin on this. I would say there is still potential there. It's just a case of unfortunate timing.

 

I am missing him a lot which seems silly as it's only been 3 days, but trying not to think about it.

[Wiseman2]

Even if he loves you to pieces, this would be a rate limiting factor for his dating/relationship readiness.

he jumped so quickly into our relationship following breaking up with his ex

[abitbroken]

I am proud of you for speaking up for your needs and not backing down.

 

During this time, I would like you to pay attention to several points. You mention that arguments starts over little niggling things that have to do with YOUR insecurity, thus throwing things back on yourself and HE on the other hand says your relationship has not progressed because of YOUR living situation. Now, you can only control yourself, but I don't think this is the case - you did not "cause" the issues that ruled this relationship. It takes two to tango, but you sometimes seem to go along with his assessment of things being your fault/his inappropriate feelings being justified.

 

Your gut has been very right about things, but the thing you need to work on is not backing off of your gut. It takes some practice. I know you had a controlling relationship before that possibly made you wonder if your feelings can be trusted by you - so now the listening to yourself begins. The problem i personally had was that I doubted that my feelings were valid so much that I may have blurted out in an emotional way because i tried to stuff them in for awhile - versus calmly asserting my needs. So the next stage in development is practicing the process of calmly asserting your needs and what you want and don't want to head any misery off.

 

One thing that worried me about his way of seeing things in general was that when I said: "It sounds as if you aren't ready because you still have emotional ties..." he interrupted me and said: "I will ALWAYS have emotional ties". And i was a little taken aback by this. He said that he will always have emotional ties to every single one of his exes (there are maybe 3 or 4 exes from his lifetime). And I thought woah- I literally have zero feelings towards any of mine. And I said: "Fine, but they have to be healthy emotional ties, not ones that prevent you from moving on". To this, he didn't have anything to say, which I'm guessing means he agreed. He just simply said 'I recognize this feeling I'm having now, I've had it before, and I just need to give it time'.

 

I guess I can only know more after we meet again after a couple of weeks...

 

I was married to my ex and you know what? I hardly ever think about him any more. There will always be a tie meaning that legally we were married - that's part of my history - but there is no more emotional tie. I don't look him up on the internet. I don't contact friends of friends to find out how he's doing. Its totally healthy to not wish ill on someone after you break up - that you can remember that what growth you had from each relationship, etc, but sometimes people have relationship styles that are too radically different and it doesn't work out.

 

Personally, I would never go back to someone who was not sure about me. Sure, 5 months is too soon to be ready for marriage or know that you will marry, but after a few dates, my guy and i knew that there was strong interest in dating eachother and after a couple months it became apparent to both of us that we had qualities that gave eachother great potential as a marriage partner to eachother - the boxes were checked on the basic getting along and enjoying eachother's company, similar enough on faith and world outlooks, basic morals and goals in life and our emotional availability to be in a relationship. From there its just a matter of getting to know eachother even more, going through a cycle of a few holidays to get to know the families, etc, and everything that goes with it to see how it unfolds with no pressure.

 

I lived with my folks for the first 2 years of the relationship and he didn't see that as an obstacle because he was not interested in playing house and had greater needs than sneaking around parents for sex - he was serious about finding someone to eventually marry and wanted to get to know someone's mind and heart. And i planned to move out at the time i moved out. He knew i had lived apart from my parents and was comfortable with the reason i lived there and knew what my goals were. So the fact that you live at home is not a real good reason to complain that your relationship is not progressing. Learning more about eachother is progress. Its not like you live in a halfway house. You are paying off debt.

[Pretzel]

Thank you for this...some of it rings true and familiar in my thought processes.

 

I keep switching back and forth. I feel like I miss him so passionately and urgently and it feels ludicrous to not be talking because of a few arguments that have emerged just recently. I just want to be close again and continue what was our growing relationship.

 

But then, my sensible/rational side sometimes butts in and says - when you see him again, make sure you tell him XYZ otherwise you are out. And then I forget what the XYZ is. I should probably start writing some things down.

 

I wouldn't normally go back to someone who isn't sure, but that's why I don't plan on reaching out to him first. Because if I do, I know that it will be me who wanted to be with him by contacting him and i don't want to be insecure in the relationship going forwards. So it will have to be him that gets back in touch, and he will have to offer a hell of a lot more certainty than he did last time we talked. Or at least show more willingness that he wants to give things a chance and is willing to be more open and giving. (And letting go of his past!)

 

And well, if he doesn't offer those things, I will just have to get over it and be thankful he didn't waste my time for long. I have really enjoyed these last 5 months and they at least taught me a lot.

[Pretzel]

Update. He broke NC and got in touch after 6 days (yesterday), and just sent me a black and white photograph of us together on the beach from a recent trip we took.

 

He didn't write any text, just the photo. I didn't know what this meant, so i didn't respond at first, but then replied 6 hours later just with a 'X' and he sent one back to me. And then i wrote: "I've missed you, when do you think I will see you again?"

He wrote back: 'I'm not sure. I miss you a lot, but I need this time.' And then he added: 'I look at our photos a lot'.

 

I didn't know what to write back. So I haven't responded. Any thoughts?

 

I don't want to come across as passive aggressive by not responding, but the truth is I just don't know how to handle this or what to say or how to feel.

 

Thanks.

[MissCanuck]

I wouldn't respond further. If he wants to talk reconciliation, he knows where to find you. He will have to communicate much more maturely, too,

 

He is currently playing games with you. What the eff is he trying to accomplish in sending you a cute couple photo, then backing away again and telling you he needs space? I'm sorry OP, but this reeks of him feeding his ego. He wanted to know if you're still thinking of him, he satisfied his little itch for attention, then pulled away.

 

The way he's going about this is not fair to you, at all.

[Jibralta]

He is currently playing games with you. What the eff is he trying to accomplish in sending you a cute couple photo, then backing away again and telling you he needs space? I'm sorry OP, but this reeks of him feeding his ego. He wanted to know if you're still thinking of him, he satisfied his little itch for attention, then pulled away.

 

The way he's going about this is not fair to you, at all.

 

Totally agree, unfortunately

[Pretzel]

I'm feeling sick and angry that he didn't honour his word of a two week break and he broke our contact after a few days to say nothing, to say something that doesn't mean anything. To be ambiguous about when I'll have clarity on what we are going to do moving forwards.

 

Is it fair for me to wait one more week (so that the full two weeks is up) and if I still haven't heard from him by then to say: look, I liked you and what we had to me was a budding and growing relationship. We can end it prematurely if that's what you want. But I'm not going to wait forever, while this break is on your terms. I need to start moving on, soon, if this goes on much longer. I want to give this a chance but for that to happen we need to be together to work things out and support each other. Either choose to do that, or let me go completely so that I can move on.