JLynn1988 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Ok so I have a thing for a guy who I've known for over a year now. His best friend is with my best friend, which is how I met him. We usually hang out in the group, but we've hung out once by ourselves and we talk several times a week. Anyway, he's been single most of the time I've known him. He was casually seeing someone when we met & I was dealing with a breakup so I didn't pay much attention to him. However this last fall he started to really catch my eye and I told him I was interested and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. He's been in relationships pretty much his whole life except the last 2 years, so he's kind of been enjoying just being single for a bit. Plus I was told the last 2 girls cheated & left him because he didn't give them enough attention bc he does work a lot and works 2nd shift. I think a part of him is concerned that the same thing will happen in the future if he dates. I told him that I didn't want to jump into dating & I just wanted to hang out as friends & then if something happens we'll go from there & he said that sounded good. For a while we were talking everyday some days all day long and lately he's been kind of off. He doesn't respond much and isn't his normal self. I thought maybe it was just towards me, but his friends say he's been the same way towards them too. I haven't pushed him on the dating thing, I have tried to give him space and I've asked him to hang out a couple of times the last couple months, but his work schedule has nixed most plans. I'm torn between just leaving him alone and trying to be there for him & help figure out whats going on. I want him to know that I'm not going anywhere as a friend, but the more involved I get the stronger my feelings get. I'm not sitting around waiting for him either, I have gone on dates and talked to other guys, however none have really amounted to anything. If I meet someone I'll give them a fair chance. Any advice on what to do with him?
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Unfortunately you'll have to take his word for it even though you want more. Don't try to fix him or help him. he's not reaching out or asking for or looking for that. He's already pulling back because you are coming on too strong and trying to be too girlfriendish. Lay back and stop smothering. Good you are dating others and keeping busy. he started to really catch my eye and I told him I was interested and he said he wasn't looking for a relationship right now. I told him that I didn't want to jump into dating & I just wanted to hang out as friends & then if something happens we'll go from there & he said that sounded good. trying to be there for him & help figure out whats going on. I want him to know that I'm not going anywhere as a friend, but the more involved I get the stronger my feelings get.
gebaird Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I think staying friends for now is a good idea. Even though it's been two years, it sounds like he had some pretty negative dating experiences. Perhaps you will be the one he will turn to when he is ready for romance, or perhaps not. Keep your options open and be there for him when you can be.
Betterwithout Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 Give the guy the space he obviously needs. If not, you might find yourself in a pseudo relationship or FWB. Enjoy the friendship with him, and keep your options open for other men as you've been doing.
JLynn1988 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 I've been giving him some space. I don't try to contact him as much. I went almost a week without talking to him and he finally took some initiative to contact me. Usually if you want to talk to him you have to initiate it, he's that way with everyone except his best friend & family. He's an odd one. I invited him to hang out recently and didn't put any pressure on it. Just said if he was free he was welcome to come & left it at that. I've tried not to be too pushy the last couple weeks and will continue to do so. I don't want to push him, but I also want to make sure that he knows that as a friend I'm always around if he needs help or someone to talk to or something.
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 He has your number in his phone so rest assured and carry on dating others. I also want to make sure that he knows that as a friend I'm always around if he needs help or someone to talk to or something.
DancingFool Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 I've been giving him some space. I don't try to contact him as much. I went almost a week without talking to him and he finally took some initiative to contact me. Usually if you want to talk to him you have to initiate it, he's that way with everyone except his best friend & family. He's an odd one. I invited him to hang out recently and didn't put any pressure on it. Just said if he was free he was welcome to come & left it at that. I've tried not to be too pushy the last couple weeks and will continue to do so. I don't want to push him, but I also want to make sure that he knows that as a friend I'm always around if he needs help or someone to talk to or something. He knows. He also knows how to use the phone and contact people when he does want to and he has certainly demonstrated that to you. He is also not weird, just a typical introvert who prefers to keep to himself and needs space from people even friends. That's not unusual really. Lots of people like him. Anyway, he very politely but firmly rejected you a long time ago and hasn't taken that back, so it would be best for you to actually distance yourself and move on. While you are hung up on this guy, you really can't give a fair shot to others even though you are trying to date. They will all seem bleah to you. So you are hindering your own dating life and relationship potential here.
JLynn1988 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 He's not normally an introvert though. He's usually the outgoing, center of attention kind of guy and lately when we hang out he just sits and doesn't say much. Which is why his other friends are a little worried about him. I did have a guy I really liked and he was also a friend who I had a small crush on for a few years, but he was also talking to someone else and ended up asking her to be his girlfriend. He said he didn't want to ruin the friendship, but we aren't really friends anymore now because of that so in the end it didn't matter. I also liked another guy until someone pointed out to me his criminal background and with several OP's from girls against him and a battery charge, I decided it was best to walk away from that. When I started dating my ex I had strong feelings for someone else, and I was able to have a functional relationship and fall in love with him. In the end it didn't work out, but I'm glad it didn't so that's fine with me.
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2017 Posted February 28, 2017 It sounds like your filter is improving but perhaps you are still going after uninterested guys? I also liked another guy until someone pointed out to me his criminal background and with several OP's from girls against him and a battery charge, I decided it was best to walk away from that.
JLynn1988 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Posted February 28, 2017 The criminal one contacted me first and I went ahead and talked to him a bit. And as for uninterested guys, you can't really always judge that before you like them. Sometimes you have to hang out a few times to decide if you're interested or not. I hang out with them, tell them if I like them or not and if they aren't interested I just let it fall back and stay friends & leave it at that. Yes I tend to run into them not being interested, but I'm sure that happens to everyone. I didn't date at all until the last couple years so I haven't really put that much effort into meeting people before
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