itsallgrand Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 When did things change? Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 She's been clear that she doesn't like giving oral. Have you tried other ways of improving your sexual dynamic? Do you have a healthy active sex life otherwise? What does she say when you talk to her about your dynamic? She doesn't really like anything if i suggest it. She actually got mad at me once because i guided her hand downtown on me. She told me she felt i was forcing her to do something. It wasn't forced. It was just moving her hand. Now...she does this with me all the time and tells me what she wants and that's OK. Sigh. Im not some heavy handed pu $$y grabber and she makes me feel that way. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 When did things change? Slowly over the last two or so years. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 If you don't know what a sexual or relationship power play is...i cant help you. I will not "compete" for sex with my wife or tell her "i did this so i expect you to do that". She does that sometimes and its not cool. She was not always like this. Our compatibility has changed. Its just frustrating. Then that is your wife. I don't do this. Link to comment
rosephase Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 She doesn't really like anything if i suggest it. She actually got mad at me once because i guided her hand downtown on me. She told me she felt i was forcing her to do something. It wasn't forced. It was just moving her hand. Now...she does this with me all the time and tells me what she wants and that's OK. Sigh. Im not some heavy handed pu $$y grabber and she makes me feel that way. How often do you have sex? Are there parts of sex that work for both of you? If she says she feels forced by you it sounds like she doesn't feel completely safe with you sexually. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Then that is your wife. I don't do this. Good. Marriages should not be about quid pro quo. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 How often do you have sex? Are there parts of sex that work for both of you? If she says she feels forced by you it sounds like she doesn't feel completely safe with you sexually. Yes..and how do i not take that personally? Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes..and how do i not take that personally? When she drinks she will make love / have sex with me and be more giving. Feels so good to have a spouse who really only wants me when she's been drinking. Link to comment
J Miracle Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 In my experience as a guy, if she's worth her weight in salt, she will take one for the team and give her man a bj now and then, even if she doesnt like it (as long as you put in your work to please her as well). Link to comment
Dahl Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 When she drinks she will make love / have sex with me and be more giving. Feels so good to have a spouse who really only wants me when she's been drinking. Perhaps try to suss out why she suddenly doesn't feel safe and comfortable with you. Has she stopped feeling confident in herself or secure in her desires - or lack thereof? Could she be projecting these insecurities onto you / your relationship? Is she in therapy? Would she go with you? Good luck. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 In my experience as a guy, if she's worth her weight in salt, she will take one for the team and give her man a bj now and then, even if she doesnt like it (as long as you put in your work to please her as well). If she does that and resents doing it its not worth it. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 This is my 2nd marriage and im losing my faith in women and marriage. This should be another post. yes. i think reconceptualizing your concern would be more helpful. it doesn't sound like you have a sexual incompatibility issue. it sounds like there is a larger imbalance at play, with a hint of manipulation or a merchant style of reciprocity. The fact that you have chosen such people and dynamics repeatedly proves it imo. i think therapy is a good decision. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 yes. i think reconceptualizing your concern would be more helpful. it doesn't sound like you have a sexual incompatibility issue. it sounds like there is a larger imbalance at play, with a hint of manipulation or a merchant style of reciprocity. The fact that you have chosen such people and dynamics repeatedly proves it imo. i think therapy is a good decision. Im a giver...and i think when things get too unbalanced....i resent it. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Im a giver...and i think when things get too unbalanced....i resent it. what form did your giving take when you first became a couple? did you put her through school, finance her, were you an emotional crutch, the doting nurturing type? this didn't just happen. Link to comment
DancingFool Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 If she does that and resents doing it its not worth it. You seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions on the basis of......well....nothing really..... I am getting this impression that there is no way to actually please you. If she doesn't do it, you will be unhappy and resentful. If she does it, you will be unhappy and resentful and just assume she hates it and therefore it's not worth it......it's like exhausting and if this how you are in real life, I can see how your spouse and anyone will eventually lose their enthusiasm with you. As for the whole trade and barter thing.....if you were such a giver as you claim, then she would have nothing to ask for and barter about, no? There is a disconnect here somewhere in how you think, how you perceive yourself and reality. Link to comment
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 That's romantic. Can't imagine why it's not going well. resent it. Link to comment
RainyCoast Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 do you have a history of ending up exploited or defrauded in relationships in general, like friendships? Link to comment
rosephase Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Yes..and how do i not take that personally? Dude... when your partner is showing signs of feeling unsafe sexually with you your first question shouldn't be "What about my blow jobs!" Have you tried talking to her? Have you asked about anyway you could make her feel safer? It sounds like you two don't have the ability to have a adult conversation about sex. If you want your sex life to function differently then you need to both be willing and able to talk about it. Link to comment
mustlovedogs Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 My ex got irritated that I wouldn't give him oral. But I didn't because he always got off in sex and literally only made sure I got off *maybe* 15 times over a two year relationship. If I gave him oral and he finished, then I ended up with nothing. So it was a bit quid pro quo - he never initiated for me, I stopped initiating for him. Link to comment
reinventmyself Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 If you don't know what a sexual or relationship power play is...i cant help you. I will not "compete" for sex with my wife or tell her "i did this so i expect you to do that". She does that sometimes and its not cool. . Can you give us an example of one of these exchanges. I am having a hard time without an example of what you mean exactly. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 what form did your giving take when you first became a couple? did you put her through school, finance her, were you an emotional crutch, the doting nurturing type? this didn't just happen. We moved in together after dating for a year...mostly long distance. We married 2 years later. I make...very good money. She had to relocate from her family and friends to be together. I couldn't move because i needed to be close to my kids. When people have problems and ask for help...im good at...helping but not enabling. At least i don't think so. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 do you have a history of ending up exploited or defrauded in relationships in general, like friendships? Not really. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 You seem to be making an awful lot of assumptions on the basis of......well....nothing really..... I am getting this impression that there is no way to actually please you. If she doesn't do it, you will be unhappy and resentful. If she does it, you will be unhappy and resentful and just assume she hates it and therefore it's not worth it......it's like exhausting and if this how you are in real life, I can see how your spouse and anyone will eventually lose their enthusiasm with you. As for the whole trade and barter thing.....if you were such a giver as you claim, then she would have nothing to ask for and barter about, no? There is a disconnect here somewhere in how you think, how you perceive yourself and reality. Not sure why you don't get that. I don't want a spouse to do things for me and resent me for doing them. That's not love. That's obligation. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 That's romantic. Can't imagine why it's not going well. Do you like being taken for granted? Answer the question before you corner me. Link to comment
2600degrees Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 Dude... when your partner is showing signs of feeling unsafe sexually with you your first question shouldn't be "What about my blow jobs!" Have you tried talking to her? Have you asked about anyway you could make her feel safer? It sounds like you two don't have the ability to have a adult conversation about sex. If you want your sex life to function differently then you need to both be willing and able to talk about it. I try and talk with her about it often. She doesn't like talking about sex or how these things affect us. Its one of the reasons we are going to counseling. Link to comment
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