Boyfriend [M,20] has messages on his phone from a girl I don't trust.

[Meg86]

Please help....Me [F,19] and my boyfriend have been together for just over a year, there has been various times where I have gone through my boyfriends phone (I know, I shouldn't have, each time I had reason too) any way, I promised that I would never do it again and I haven't. A couple times things have popped up when I've been on his phone/computer (with his permission) but they were not major things.

 

 

Anyway, whilst he was at work yesterday he messaged me saying (I will call this girl jess) "just to give you a heads up, jess has messaged me asking to go to Leeds festival with her, just so you don't think I'm hiding anything from you, obviously I've said no"......

 

 

Just to give you a bit of a background on the girl, my boyfriend has known her for years, they have never met in person but met online on a game, she's always shown attraction towards him, she's sent him videos/nude pictures previously before our relation ship. When we first got together my boyfriend sent her pictures of me which resulted in her making comments about how he could do so much better etc, straight away I didn't trust this girl and have shown my dislike for her since.

 

 

So back to her asking him to go to the festival together, I straight away thought "how dare she" without thinking I went to his iPad (which I noticed he had turned the wifi off on which was strange, and he did it again this morning?) went to his messages and clicked on their chat, I wasn't looking because I didn't trust my boyfriend, I wanted to see how she had asked him!!!!! And yes, she has messaged him saying "we should go to Leeds festival together!!!" (No mention of me) my boyfriend replied with something like "I wouldn't be able to get time off work"..... just as I was about to go off the messages I scrolled up seeing her call him "so sexy" in response to pictures he had sent to her in his new uniform for his new job, which was fine but her response was not. He didn't acknowledge what she had said but said something like "I don't feel right in it".

 

 

Straight away I needed to see what else this girl has been saying to my boyfriend, scrolling up more to messages sent on the 6th December 2016, was messages of my boyfriend talking about how "I love my girlfriend, I could easily spend the rest of my life with her, she'd be a great mum but would I be happy? I don't know", he also said "if we both don't have kids by 30 we should make them, it's a deal" her saying things like, if you waned to be with her for the rest of your life you would have proposed but you know there is better out there" with no response from my boyfriend, he didn't even say anything like no I love her?....after seeing that I went off it.

 

 

My issue is, I have broken his trust so many times before by going on his phone, if I confront him about this I think it might break our relationship, but I need to get this off my chest? Should I be bothered about what has been said? ..... may I add that my boyfriend talks about getting me pregnant all the time and asks me to come off the pill, stuff like that? So I don't understand? Please please give me advice? Guys, how would you feel in this situation?

 

 

Another thing I should add is that not long ago I used to be really good friends with this guy I met on a family holiday when I was about 15, we literally knew each other for a day and he gave me a good bye kiss when I left. We always used to message each other for advice etc or just talking as friends (well I only viewed him as a friend) my boyfriend had mentioned that he feels this guy still likes me, I said nooooo were just friends, well recently when talking things got weird and he said something like "well I've always found you hot and I fancy you" (I know, fancy I hate that word ahah) straight away I shut him down, I said "no, don't say that you're not allowed, I wouldn't be happy with a girl saying that to my boyfriend it is not fair" I showed my boyfriend the messages and he said "see you need to stop talking to him" so I agreed and I did..... what I'm struggling to deal with is how he thinks these messages are okay with this girl??????

 

 

**tldr; found messages from girl on boyfriends phone, they made a deal to have kids together if they haven't by 30, my boyfriend tells her that he could spend the rest of his life with me but doesn't know if he'd be happy, girl calls him sexy......what do I do? I've gone through his phone before and if I ask him about this I don't think he will trust me?**

[nutbrownhare]

You do not have a meaningful relationship. You don't trust him, or his relationships with other girls, and he's not sure about his relationship with you - despite trying to get you pregnant. If you came clean about what you've actually seen, he certainly wouldn't be trusting you.

 

Don't pay too much attention about the way other girls respond to him - if he's an attractive guy, others will also find him attractive also - what matters is how he reacts to THEM. It also sounds very unlikely that he'll have anything to do with this girl in real life, if indeed she is who she says she is. The bit that concerns you is the fact that he downplays his relationship with you, and encourages her attentions despite not finding it acceptable for you to do the same with other guys.

 

You're only 19. That's very young to be committing yourself to one person - let alone having children with them! This would be true even if you were 100% sure of him, which you aren't - and he clearly isn't sure of you either.

 

He's concerned about being happy in the future. I think you can quite categorically state that you won't be, if you stay with him.

[Andrina]

Your bf hasn't placed appropriate boundaries. He's pouring emotional energy and time into another woman who is not a relative. Even if he never physically cheated, as you can see, male/female friendships have a different dynamic, and when this other woman is not a champion of you and your bf's relationship, it of course causes you stress.

 

If you weren't okay with this when you started dating, why did you stay? The secret to relationship happiness is to date someone you can be happy with without changing. I discussed boundaries with my future husband and made sure we were compatible on how to behave in a relationship. If we weren't, I would've walked away.

 

You can have a discussion with him now about the boundaries you want. If he doesn't agree, it's up to you to accept him exactly as he is, or end things because the frustration and upset overrides the joy. In my opinion, if a relationship is regularly stressful and upsetting, it's not the right one for you. Learn to recognize red flags earlier and walk away, even if the guy is cute. There are cute guys out there who don't feed on ego boosts from a girl who crushes on him, to the detriment of his primary relationship.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Quite a few red flags ranging from his need for online flirting, lack of trust, suspicion, snooping and worst of all "wants to get you pregnant", after just a yr. of dating?

 

All this flirting both do on the side indicates that there is a lot missing from your relationship in addition to these major red flags. By the way "go off the pill" is not an indicator of any commitment.

just over a year. she's sent him videos/nude pictures previously before our relation ship. I add that my boyfriend talks about getting me pregnant all the time and asks me to come off the pill, stuff like that? We always used to message each other for advice etc or just talking as friends.well recently when talking things got weird and he said something like "well I've always found you hot and I fancy you"

[jennyj]

i think your so right not to trust her, she's sent him nude pictures before she's obviously attracted to him and probably doesn't like the fact he has a girlfriend. But he's not stupid he knows she's saying inappropriate stuff, he should shut her down !! he wouldn't like it if you was friends with someone who fancied you. And tbh i would be pissed of if my bf was texting some girl all the time sending her pictures of his uniform and saying stuff like ' would i be happy ' when they've never met in person?! .

And the fact there making deals about having kids by a certain age is messed up they obviously have some sort of attraction or flirty relationship to being saying stuff like that. Youve gotta think they've been talking for years sending nude pics etc and then he gets a gf she's not going to like that so you have every right not to trust her you don't know what her intention is, she could be thinking i will seem him at leeds and then make a move on him?

 

If they've been chatting for years and never met it cant be that serious friendship so maybe if you say to him i feel uncomfortable with the way she talks to you i think its disrespectful .. see how he reacts see how much she means to him. Hope it all works out.