Worth fighting for

[PatPatPat]

Hello guys. It's been almost a week since my ex broke up with me. We spent two days NC and I broke it on Sunday because I needed to clear things up and explain a few things to him. He said he didn't want to talk, and that I could go ahead and tell him but it was not going to help change his mind. We talked for a bit, he offered some help and then ended saying that he's okay being on his own. After that he said we'd talk, but not now, in the future. We then agreed we'd talk in about a week when we go back to work (we work at the same language school).

 

I really want to work on this relationship. I know my bad behaviour has taken its toll on the relationship and him as well. But I'm currently working on ending that bad cycle I've been on for over a year and despite this break up I feel happier and lighter.

 

Every time that we've had an argument, a fight, or a short break we've been able to get past it. And the only reason this time we broke up was because my problems got the best of me and it made me explode and react so poorly at him for no reason.

 

I still believe that we're going to get past through this. Every day I feel stronger and happier. I wish he could see that. I've been thinking of approaching him some time next week at work but at the same time I don't know if that'll be enough time for things to cool down on his side. Also, I don't know how to start the conversation when the time does come. I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into starting a relationship again when in reality all I want is for him to see that I letting go of my problems that got me stuck for so long.

 

I know this man is worth fighting for. I know there are a million other fish in the sea but when you find someone so special, for me it's not easy to simply go looking for someone else. Well, I also think that the fact that we still have a huge trip pending that we already paid for is another reason why I'm still hopeful that he'll come around and realize that we can still do this.

 

I know you'll all tell me to stop trying, but I honestly can't. I think you just know in your heart when there's still something to do. I just don't know how to approach the situation.

[Dahl]

Hello guys. It's been almost a week since my ex broke up with me. We spent two days NC and I broke it on Sunday because I needed to clear things up and explain a few things to him. He said he didn't want to talk, and that I could go ahead and tell him but it was not going to help change his mind. We talked for a bit, he offered some help and then ended saying that he's okay being on his own. After that he said we'd talk, but not now, in the future. We then agreed we'd talk in about a week when we go back to work (we work at the same language school).

 

I really want to work on this relationship. I know my bad behaviour has taken its toll on the relationship and him as well. But I'm currently working on ending that bad cycle I've been on for over a year and despite this break up I feel happier and lighter.

 

Every time that we've had an argument, a fight, or a short break we've been able to get past it. And the only reason this time we broke up was because my problems got the best of me and it made me explode and react so poorly at him for no reason.

 

I still believe that we're going to get past through this. Every day I feel stronger and happier. I wish he could see that. I've been thinking of approaching him some time next week at work but at the same time I don't know if that'll be enough time for things to cool down on his side. Also, I don't know how to start the conversation when the time does come. I don't want him to think I'm pressuring him into starting a relationship again when in reality all I want is for him to see that I letting go of my problems that got me stuck for so long.

 

I know this man is worth fighting for. I know there are a million other fish in the sea but when you find someone so special, for me it's not easy to simply go looking for someone else. Well, I also think that the fact that we still have a huge trip pending that we already paid for is another reason why I'm still hopeful that he'll come around and realize that we can still do this.

 

I know you'll all tell me to stop trying, but I honestly can't. I think you just know in your heart when there's still something to do. I just don't know how to approach the situation.

 

Irrespective of what we'll say, you might be better served by respecting what *he* says. He broke up with you. Pressuring him and badgering him to see you as you now believe you see yourself isn't 'fighting for him,' it's just fighting.

[Dahl]

Just skimmed through your posts - did you begin therapy?

 

You're not just pestering this chap, you're hounding and beleaguering him. He's made his position clear to you, why are you not allowing him the time and space he has repeatedly asked for?

 

You're incessantly claiming that you are so changed, yet your actions are inflexibly and unapologetically self-serving. He wants you to respect his need for time and space away from you / your ended relationship.

 

What do you expect to gain by ignoring his wishes and overriding them with your own?

[PatPatPat]

Just skimmed through your posts - did you begin therapy?

 

You're not just pestering this chap, you're hounding and beleaguering him. He's made his position clear to you, why are you not allowing him the time and space he has repeatedly asked for?

 

You're incessantly claiming that you are so changed, yet your actions are inflexibly and unapologetically self-serving. He wants you to respect his need for time and space away from you / your ended relationship.

 

What do you expect to gain by ignoring his wishes and overriding them with your own?

 

I did go to therapy and we/I did work those issues out. But thanks for judging me and making me feel really bad without knowing every single detail about my life and relationship. I thought this forum was meant to make people feel they aren't alone, not the other way around.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments and the breakup about? Without resolving the issues it's hard to change anything.

 

Please stay no contact and stop chasing, convincing, etc. No one believes in miraculous changes in a week or so. People can recognize that that is usually mentioned out of desperation to get back together.

 

Do not pester him at work. That's not the time nor place to have a reconciliation talk. That will only prove to him that you haven't changed at all and still can't control impulses and emotions appropriately.

 

You can't "fight for" a relationship on your own, it must be a mutual choice. Wait for him to contact you so he can calm down, process and reflect without you running after him trying to plead and convince. Do however ask if the trip is still on when He contact You.

He said he didn't want to talk, and that I could go ahead and tell him but it was not going to help change his mind. he's okay being on his own. the only reason this time we broke up was because my problems got the best of me and it made me explode and react so poorly at him for no reason.

 

I've been thinking of approaching him some time next week at work all I want is for him to see that I letting go of my problems that got me stuck for so long. I also think that the fact that we still have a huge trip pending that we already paid for is another reason why I'm still hopeful that he'll come around and realize that we can still do this.

[PatPatPat]

Sorry to hear this. What were the arguments and the breakup about? Without resolving the issues it's hard to change anything.

 

Please stay no contact and stop chasing, convincing, etc. No one believes in miraculous changes in a week or so. People can recognize that that is usually mentioned out of desperation to get back together.

 

Do not pester him at work. That's not the time nor place to have a reconciliation talk. That will only prove to him that you haven't changed at all and still can't control impulses and emotions appropriately.

 

You can't "fight for" a relationship on your own, it must be a mutual choice. Wait for him to contact you so he can calm down, process and reflect without you running after him trying to plead and convince. Do however ask if the trip is still on when He contact You.

 

As I said in my other post I think, I had been going through really bad financial issues and I kept it all to myself. There was no argument really, I just reacted really badly at nothing in particular because I had the pressure from the bank calling me and leaving notifications. After that we didn't really talk and he had decided to be alone for a while. And of course I don't plan to talk to him at work, if anything I'll say hello if he says hello first. We are more than 70 teachers in the teachers room during our breaks so I don't plan on talking to him at the institute. I'm not planning to talk to him for now. And I know I've got things to work on, but the most important change which was settling things with the bank I've already done and I feel a hundred pounds lighter.

[Dahl]

I did go to therapy and we/I did work those issues out. But thanks for judging me and making me feel really bad without knowing every single detail about my life and relationship. I thought this forum was meant to make people feel they aren't alone, not the other way around.

 

My comments are meant sincerely. Could they be hitting a nerve?

 

I especially and exclusively suggest therapy in only an authentically helpful manner. I never mention therapy of any kind as some poorly veiled insult - I believe we can all benefit from mental health checks, tune-ups and more as we need.

 

I apologize for making you feel alone. This is never my intention, here.

[Wiseman2]

There is a huge distinction between getting your finances in order and displacing anger and stress on someone. The latter part is the problem, but you seem to think it's the former.

the most important change which was settling things with the bank I've already done and I feel a hundred pounds lighter.

[PatPatPat]

There is a huge distinction between getting your finances in order and displacing anger and stress on someone. The latter part is the problem, but you seem to think it's the former.

 

Well, before that I was a completely different person. I've been dealing with this issue since late 2015, and it made me just so depressed, sad and angry. When I went to therapy, my therapist realized that my bad moods were the top problem to tackle. I never really opened up to her about this because I felt so ashamed and I was scared of hearing the comments. I just felt I couldn't deal with them. And every time I tried fixing things financially, something else happened. I know it sounds like an excuse but God, 2016 was full of bad experiences, one thing after another. And this year I had a good opportunity at work so I had decided to fix all of my issues once and for all to be at peace again, but timing was a little off and I just ended up exploding, screwing up all the progress I had done with my ex.

 

I know it sounds like I'm just BSing but despite it all, I can be very fast at overcoming and getting over stuff. Hell even my therapist was glad to see how much I had progressed regarding my other problems and she said it's because I'm always open for change. Like, right now I was just told I'm not getting my check at work and even though I urgently need the money I feel ok and calm.

 

I know I have so much to improve still, I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like all my problems are gone and I'm alright. But I know myself and I know I'm rapidly getting there. I guess that's why I feel hopeful he's going to see that. And I guess it's easier for him to see it without talking to me because we work at the same place and we're basically forced to see each other every day.

[Wiseman2]

Nonetheless, it wasn't his fault or problem that your life was chaotic or that you refused to participate in therapy in a meaningful way. As long as you keep missing the point about your life being a mess vs taking it out on him the problems will continue.

[PatPatPat]

Nonetheless, it wasn't his fault or problem that your life was chaotic or that you refused to participate in therapy in a meaningful way. As long as you keep missing the point about your life being a mess vs taking it out on him the problems will continue.

 

Oh I'm sorry if it sounded like I didn't acknowledge that. Of course I do. And I told him I was sorry and I apologized for that. I know it doesn't mean anything at this point if I say it again to him. I know I should have never reacted badly to him and I know I should've trusted him and told him about all of these issues. I'm not trying to excuse myself, I know sometimes when the stress and pressure is so big I take it out on the wrong person, especially if I keep the problem to myself as I have. And I had been working on this, and honestly I made some progress. But I'm not perfect and the recent events from a couple weeks ago just made me feel so bad. I know I'll continue working on my reactions. And I know I'll get through all of this, I guess that's why it also hurts so much that he's gone now because I took too long to fix this.

[Wiseman2]

Work on this only, not on getting him back.As an adult you manage your own problems and no one has to hear about them nor be burdened by them no less be beaten up about it.

 

Controlling your anger and displacing it on people is the problem. No you don't have to tell people your problems and burden them and complain etc.. Just fix them.

I know sometimes when the stress and pressure is so big I take it out on the wrong person, especially if I keep the problem to myself as I have.

[PatPatPat]

Work on this only, not on getting him back.As an adult you manage your own problems and no one has to hear about them nor be burdened by them no less be beaten up about it.

 

Controlling your anger and displacing it on people is the problem. No you don't have to tell people your problems and burden them and complain etc.. Just fix them.

 

I guess I see it differently. I've changed so much in the last 5 years. I used to be a person who never talked and never let other people know about my feelings. Then I started opening up, and talking about my problems has helped me get through things. I never plan on making it someone else's burden, at all.

 

I know I have to continue working on all of this. And I'm on the process of it. Every day I feel a bit happier despite the break up, anyway I have no other choice. My students need me and I can't be sad all the time. I guess that's another thing that also made things so much worse. I'm not good at pretending.

[Ksol9]

I know it hurts, but you have to let him go for now. Give him some time to sort it out. There is nothing you could say or do to change his mind. Let him do this on his own. In the end, if he comes back, you both will know this is something you both decided on your own..independently. Give him time to miss you. In the mean time, it will be torturous, but try to find things to do to occupy your time. Find new activities. Just focus on yourself.

 

I hope it all works out. I can tell you have a lot of faith in him and in your relationship. That's got to count for something. Good luck to you.

[TiredOfDating]

I guess I see it differently. I've changed so much in the last 5 years. I used to be a person who never talked and never let other people know about my feelings. Then I started opening up, and talking about my problems has helped me get through things. I never plan on making it someone else's burden, at all.

 

I know I have to continue working on all of this. And I'm on the process of it. Every day I feel a bit happier despite the break up, anyway I have no other choice. My students need me and I can't be sad all the time. I guess that's another thing that also made things so much worse. I'm not good at pretending.

 

but you just said that you didn't really tell your therapist everything. so how can the therapist say that you're healing quickly if she doesn't even know the full root of the issues? therapy is exactly the place you go to and unload EVERYTHING. that's what they are there for. it's not "judging", its helping you resolve the issues. but until you are able to see the issues and be honest with the therapist and be open to treatment, therapy isn't going to help.

 

I too kept financial issues hidden from my ex. he may have been a mess emotionally due to his divorce, but he had his together financially. whereas I was opposite. and in an effort not to let him know I struggled (I was ashamed), I scrambled to keep things together and caused myself more stress, when I should have just let things go. Not one time did I take it out on him though. Nor do I think one factor being resolved means I'm "healed" after a week or 2. NO ONE can be healed in a week. especially when you don't let the therapist in enough for her to help you. paying the bills isn't the issue. it's how you react to financial stress that is the issue. and it takes longer than a week to learn and implement new coping techniques consistently.

 

I also didn't respect his need for space. he reached out to me as well, but it was almost always me initiating contact. and the night we had dinner, his resentment of that reared it's ugly head. by not respecting his need for space, I pushed him away rather than saved our relationship. I do believe we can reconcile eventually, but the respect for space HAS to be given. The more you put yourself out there before he's ready, the harder he's going to push back. you are not doing yourself any favors, and it's showing that you are being selfish by not respecting his wishes.

 

as much as I want to reach out to him now that we are 21 days of no contact, I know that as bad as I want that relationship back, I'm not ready. and when our break first happened, I didn't even recognize that I had things of my own to work on.

[PatPatPat]

I know it hurts, but you have to let him go for now. Give him some time to sort it out. There is nothing you could say or do to change his mind. Let him do this on his own. In the end, if he comes back, you both will know this is something you both decided on your own..independently. Give him time to miss you. In the mean time, it will be torturous, but try to find things to do to occupy your time. Find new activities. Just focus on yourself.

 

I hope it all works out. I can tell you have a lot of faith in him and in your relationship. That's got to count for something. Good luck to you.

 

I think it's also the fact that I know him so well. He's such a stubborn man and he'll never approach me first even if he wants to. Our relationship has been like that, maybe I promoted this by always coming around whether or not a fight was my fault. But I was okay with it, I understood him. I think deep inside I know we can still work this out.

[TiredOfDating]

I think it's also the fact that I know him so well. He's such a stubborn man and he'll never approach me first even if he wants to. Our relationship has been like that, maybe I promoted this by always coming around whether or not a fight was my fault. But I was okay with it, I understood him. I think deep inside I know we can still work this out.

 

we all think we know our exes best. mine also most likely won't reach out first.

 

but you still need to give him space!!!!!

[PatPatPat]

but you just said that you didn't really tell your therapist everything. so how can the therapist say that you're healing quickly if she doesn't even know the full root of the issues? therapy is exactly the place you go to and unload EVERYTHING. that's what they are there for. it's not "judging", its helping you resolve the issues. but until you are able to see the issues and be honest with the therapist and be open to treatment, therapy isn't going to help.

 

I too kept financial issues hidden from my ex. he may have been a mess emotionally due to his divorce, but he had his together financially. whereas I was opposite. and in an effort not to let him know I struggled (I was ashamed), I scrambled to keep things together and caused myself more stress, when I should have just let things go. Not one time did I take it out on him though. Nor do I think one factor being resolved means I'm "healed" after a week or 2. NO ONE can be healed in a week. especially when you don't let the therapist in enough for her to help you. paying the bills isn't the issue. it's how you react to financial stress that is the issue. and it takes longer than a week to learn and implement new coping techniques consistently.

 

I also didn't respect his need for space. he reached out to me as well, but it was almost always me initiating contact. and the night we had dinner, his resentment of that reared it's ugly head. by not respecting his need for space, I pushed him away rather than saved our relationship. I do believe we can reconcile eventually, but the respect for space HAS to be given. The more you put yourself out there before he's ready, the harder he's going to push back. you are not doing yourself any favors, and it's showing that you are being selfish by not respecting his wishes.

 

as much as I want to reach out to him now that we are 21 days of no contact, I know that as bad as I want that relationship back, I'm not ready. and when our break first happened, I didn't even recognize that I had things of my own to work on.

 

I went to therapy regarding a different issue that I have now overcome. I had to stop going to therapy because one I couldn't pay and two my schedule got crazy cause of summer. I was planning on going back this week. Also I think there's no one better than me to understand the root of my bad behaviour and now I'm working on it. I've already done what I should've done many months ago and I do regret doing this just now

[PatPatPat]

we all think we know our exes best. mine also most likely won't reach out first.

 

but you still need to give him space!!!!!

 

I know and as I already said I don't plan on reaching out just now. But because of our job I know one of us eventually will. He's already tried to despite what he said about not talking for now.

[Ksol9]

I think it's also the fact that I know him so well. He's such a stubborn man and he'll never approach me first even if he wants to. Our relationship has been like that, maybe I promoted this by always coming around whether or not a fight was my fault. But I was okay with it, I understood him. I think deep inside I know we can still work this out.

 

 

This could have been me writing this about my relationship. We broke up two times prior to this time. He's stubborn and hardheaded....even more than I am and I am queen of hardheaded. He contacted me both times and I am glad I let him make up his mind on his own. That way I knew it wasn't coerced and it was HIS decision to continue the relationship with me. It nearly killed me, but I learned that I had to allow our relationship to go through this test. We are now going through the third breakup and it sure feels like the final breakup. It has been 2 months of NC and it is sheer torture, but we both need this time apart to sort ourselves out. I stand firm in my belief that nothing will send you soul searching or into self discovery like a heartbreak. Use this time wisely to learn about YOU...to take care of YOU. He will realize things on his own. If the love you both share is strong...it will withstand the test of time.