How to go back to just being friends

[Mikess1978]

I don’t know where does this post belong. I really need some help.

 

I am sorry, it will be a long post but I need to explain the whole back ground. I have also started writing journal as my doctor said it helps. Please read it before you provide any advice. It is not that long. I am not allowed to post weblinks but you can easily find it.

 

 

I am 39 and my wife (33 years old) opted for legal separation after we lost our first child. She went through a lot during pregnancy and it was not easy for her. This was our first child after 12 years of our marriage. In the same year, she lost her Dad and Grandpa also within one week. My wife said, she wanted to live independently for a year, find out what she really wants in life, find out purpose of her life and whether she wants me in her life or not. I tried to talk her out of it initially but later signed the docs. As we stayed away from each other, I started doubting my entire life. I think, my wife should have never married me and if she comes back to me again, she will be repeating the same mistake again as I, especially now, don’t deserve her.

 

I hoped that she will come back to me but I started doubting myself as well. One day I met this girl Sara (28 years old) online. She just wanted some money and I wanted some company. I was smitten by her as she was smart, beautiful and great in conversations. This was in September last year and after that we took two vacations together, went out so many times and did all kind of things together. I absolutely have no intention of getting in a relationship with her because she definitely deserves someone better than me. Sara’s company is amazing and sex with her something totally different. I have never experienced anything like this in my life before, not just sex but the entire experience.

 

Sara keeps asking me for money and it can be anywhere from $10 to $2000. So far I gave her about 25-30K. Almost every time, we meet, whether it is for coffee, a run, vacation or anything else, somehow money comes in picture. To be honest, she told me from the day one that she needs money as she does not have a job. Now, she has been working for almost one and half month but she has not been paid yet. She did say that she will return the money one day and I said, she can keep it.

 

Sara always says that don’t question our relationship as I have asked her if she is with me just for the money and if she has other guys like me. She kept calm and said, there is no one else and she would like to continue this forever. She also says that she enjoys my company and she would not be with me if she did not like me. I really like her and I feel happy when I am with her. I like to believe her but it is a story which is very hard to believe. Her stories about her parents, sibling, her parents’ business and her school are authentic but I am not sure if she is seeing others (should not be any of my business) and if she really works.

 

I don’t want to believe that she is using me as sugardaddy because that would be really wrong on my part if it is not true.

 

I feel happy with her but I don’t want her in my life as a relationship. I feel miserable if she does not reply to my texts or she cancels on me. I know, this is sad but this is how I feel. Also, I have no interest in my work or anything else, she is the only thing I look forward to these days. I would feel jealous if she is seeing another guy even though I don’t have any right to be. My entire mood depends upon her. I don’t really see any purpose in my life and my doc told me if things don’t get better, he will have to put me on suicide watch. I think, that might be just over the top as it’s not that bad. I think, he is just scaring me. I am suffering from depression and anxiety.

 

Perhaps, I am putting too much pressure on her as sometimes we meet three times a week for coffee, shopping or a run. I think, that is just me being greedy.

 

How do get out of this funk? How to I normalize my relationship with Sara so that I don’t feel anything for her except normal feeling for a friend? How do you really do strictly friends with benefit thing?

 

I want to be in a situation where her actions do not make me happy or sad, just like my other friends.

 

I am sorry for the long post but I needed to explain as much as I could.

[Dahl]

I don't see any possible way to change your perspective on this woman nor her influence over you while you are involved with her. Nor do I imagine that the dynamic between the two of you will change while you are involved with her.

 

She's made her position clear from the start of your liason, it sounds. She's a bought and paid for companion. If you are both comfortable with your respective roles, perhaps your arrangement might work for a period.

 

But you don't seem to be fully comprehending or accepting your limitations in this relationship. You *are* FWB. She's just a professional FWB, whereas you think you're enamored.

 

You appear to have feelings that exceed the capacity of the relationship, but the nature of the relationship was negotiated and settled from the beginning.

 

She's made it plain that she's with you for the money. Perhaps she sincerely enjoys your company as well, but you are not her love interest. If the money was gone, she would be, as well.

 

Further, unless there's some math you've not shared, I can't see how she's not with other men willing to support her financially. I don't imagine that she'll ever not be. If she's relying on other men for a livelihood, it only makes sense that she's maintaining other sources for this financial support - otherwise how could she possibly be supporting herself to this point? A job she purportedly just landed and that has yet to pay her isn't the explanation.

 

You'll have to decide if you are comfortable and satisfied being her wallet in exchange for her attention while you can afford it - but even so, this has no earmark for becoming a mutually genuine, reciprocal, no strings attached relationship. If she wanted you for a boyfriend, exclusive or otherwise, she would have made this clear to you instead of consistently, continuously soliciting money from you.

[Clio]

Very sorry about what happened to your marriage. It sounds like your doctor is right about your depression being serious. Sadly, Sara is not the answer to your problem, she is not even the problem. She is just another manifestation of the problem. Even if you were to reach indifference regarding Sara, not seeing any purpose in your life (the real problem) would still be there. Plus, you need to stop giving her your money away like that or you may be faced with financial ruin.

 

To get out of this funk, you need to find a way to treat/manage/tame your depression and find a purpose in your life so that your mood won't depend on other people. Preoccupying yourself with Sara is not the answer. Has your doctor prescribed any medication? Are you taking it? Do you feel that your doctor/medication is helping you? If not, you may need to make changes. Is he a licensed mental health specialist?

 

Your money would be best spend on seeking further professional treatment for your depression rather than on Sara. In fact, it would be better if Sara was out of your life altogether.

[Mikess1978]

I don't see any possible way to change your perspective on this woman nor her influence over you while you are involved with her. Nor do I imagine that the dynamic between the two of you will change while you are involved with her.

 

Dahl,

 

Thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

 

I am making changes, trust me on this. I am living alone after a very long time (being married for over a decade) and sometimes, it is hard to keep away certain thoughts. Also, I don’t think I am emotionally very strong so I don’t think I can go cold turkey especially with other problems in my life.

 

I have already told Sara that I do not have money for her at present. This is the truth also. So far, that has not changed anything. Her behaviour towards me is still the same but it is too early to judge. She does know that I have money (by looking at my car, visiting my house etc).

 

She's made her position clear from the start of your liason, it sounds. She's a bought and paid for companion. If you are both comfortable with your respective roles, perhaps your arrangement might work for a period.

But you don't seem to be fully comprehending or accepting your limitations in this relationship. You *are* FWB. She's just a professional FWB, whereas you think you're enamored.

You appear to have feelings that exceed the capacity of the relationship, but the nature of the relationship was negotiated and settled from the beginning.

She's made it plain that she's with you for the money. Perhaps she sincerely enjoys your company as well, but you are not her love interest. If the money was gone, she would be, as well.

 

Dahl, I would not say that unless I am sure about it. Maybe, she is but the reason I want to get out of this feeling is not because of the money, it is due to the fact that I don’t myself like this.

 

I hope that your reading on her is wrong but I know that, you might be on the spot.

 

Further, unless there's some math you've not shared, I can't see how she's not with other men willing to support her financially. I don't imagine that she'll ever not be. If she's relying on other men for a livelihood, it only makes sense that she's maintaining other sources for this financial support - otherwise how could she possibly be supporting herself to this point? A job she purportedly just landed and that has yet to pay her isn't the explanation.

 

I pay for her rent every month and whenever we meet she ask for some money. She might have other friends like me, it is quite possible since she is very mysterious.

 

You'll have to decide if you are comfortable and satisfied being her wallet in exchange for her attention while you can afford it - but even so, this has no earmark for becoming a mutually genuine, reciprocal, no strings attached relationship. If she wanted you for a boyfriend, exclusive or otherwise, she would have made this clear to you instead of consistently, continuously soliciting money from you.

 

I absolutely don’t have any intention to be her boyfriend. I know for sure, she does not want me. My plate is full right now and I just want to be myself again.

 

If possible, we can be friends but what we have right now is bad for me. I want this to either change in healthy friendship. If I cannot achieve that, I want to live this.

 

Trust me Dahl, I want to change this. I need help in how do I change it slowly.

[Mikess1978]

Very sorry about what happened to your marriage. It sounds like your doctor is right about your depression being serious. Sadly, Sara is not the answer to your problem, she is not even the problem. She is just another manifestation of the problem. Even if you were to reach indifference regarding Sara, not seeing any purpose in your life (the real problem) would still be there. Plus, you need to stop giving her your money away like that or you may be faced with financial ruin.

 

To get out of this funk, you need to find a way to treat/manage/tame your depression and find a purpose in your life so that your mood won't depend on other people. Preoccupying yourself with Sara is not the answer. Has your doctor prescribed any medication? Are you taking it? Do you feel that your doctor/medication is helping you? If not, you may need to make changes. Is he a licensed mental health specialist?

 

Your money would be best spend on seeking further professional treatment for your depression rather than on Sara. In fact, it would be better if Sara was out of your life altogether.

 

You are right Clio, I have bigger issues than Sara and I think, I found Sara to avoid those issues. Its all mixed up now.

 

I really cannot go to a doc for mental illness. This would make me lose my job. I cannot afford to do that. I am looking for some alternative options with reporting to my insurance. I understand how critical it is for me to get help.

 

I think reaching indifference about Sara would be the first step towards me finding myself again. I could be wrong but this is what I think.

 

I am trying to reconnect with my wife also. I don’t want to bother her about all this but perhaps find a way to move forward at least for sometime.

 

The thing I hate most about being with Sara is that I depend on her and this has never been my nature. I always lead. I am not someone who waits for other people’s messages or texts. I was very principled in that regard.

 

Thank you for your post, I appreciate it.

[Mikess1978]

I hate myself for being in this funk (I created this), I don't really care about the money, I can earn it again but if I could turn back time and erase this from my life, I would.

[Dahl]

I don't think that you are doing anything untoward or reckless. My concern is that your needs are being met by this arrangement / relationship. You seem to be aware of these potential issues and working on them, and good on you for this.

 

I could easily be wrong in my assessment of her and I wouldn't be at all sorry if I am so long as you were happy with the outcome. I don't think that she is *not* necessarily fond and appreciative of you. My worry is that what you currently have between you is not serving you well and may in fact, do you real harm.

 

In terms of how to end this slowly - do you mean you want to terminate your relationship with her, ultimately? If so, focusing on yourself (as you should, of course. There's nothing wrong with being responsible and proactive in your own self-care) and occupying your time and interests independent of any one person, as well as ceasing to contribute financially to her lifestyle should begin to make a measurable difference quite soon, I should think.

 

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this turmoil, in general, not just to do with this woman, and I hope that your therapist is skilled and helpful. Does he have any input on your situation with her?

[Mikess1978]

I don't think that you are doing anything untoward or reckless. My concern is that your needs are being met by this arrangement / relationship. You seem to be aware of these potential issues and working on them, and good on you for this.

 

Dahl, when I met her, I really wanted to help her just financially but it got messy. Her initial demand was only two thousand dollars. I was not aware of how it can unfold for me. Remember, my wife was the only woman I really dated so I don’t have much experience with handling woman. I think, I met her when I was down and that is how it all happened.

 

I could easily be wrong in my assessment of her and I wouldn't be at all sorry if I am so long as you were happy with the outcome. I don't think that she is *not* necessarily fond and appreciative of you. My worry is that what you currently have between you is not serving you well and may in fact, do you real harm.

 

My heart “wants” to believe that you are wrong but my mind says you are absolutely right. There are certain things which are quiet mysterious:

 

She never invited me to her place or work place

She always ask me about my schedule for days and weeks so that she can arrange hers

She started working but we have gone to two vacations after that. New employees don’t get vacation that easy

Her work has no timing, she is either at work or at gym

She is off again for three weeks’ vacation with her mom to Nepal

She will ask so many questions but would not answer any of mine

There are things she tells me which do not make any sense

 

In terms of how to end this slowly - do you mean you want to terminate your relationship with her, ultimately? If so, focusing on yourself (as you should, of course. There's nothing wrong with being responsible and proactive in your own self-care) and occupying your time and interests independent of any one person, as well as ceasing to contribute financially to her lifestyle should begin to make a measurable difference quite soon, I should think.

 

I need to terminate it completely or be in a positive where she matters to me just as a normal friend. You go out, have a coffee, drink or dinner once in a while.

 

Considering all the other issues in my life (separation, job issues, depression and anxiety), I don’t want any sudden problem arising from it. It would be best if it dies its own death.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're experiencing this turmoil, in general, not just to do with this woman, and I hope that your therapist is skilled and helpful. Does he have any input on your situation with her?

 

I am not sure how much do you know about Dubai. I will PM you when I know how to do it / I am allowed to do it.

 

Thanks for your help again. It makes me feel better.

[Dahl]

I can certainly understand why this is causing you to carefully consider what you have learned or otherwise deduced. To be candid, I'm afraid that I'm back to worrying over you due to how secretive and reticent she is (my words, of course. You calling her mysterious is diplomatic and entirely legitimate).

 

What really alarms me is her unrestricted vacationing, as I had to vote to turn down *volunteers* this week and these kind souls are worth their weight in gold - but we couldn't invest in their training nor schedule around their upcoming trips and personal commitments - and neither of them are as considerable as this woman's.

 

I'm not suggesting that this in and of itself is necessarily proof positive that she's doing something dubious, but it does bring me significant pause when measured against the rest of the considerations.

 

Are you feeling at all able to contemplate cutting her out of your life in one stroke? Not in a hostile or censorious fashion, simply in a decisive one. Tapering off seeing her and interacting with her may be a bit rough on you, is my fear, given how challenging life seems to be treating you, in general, just now.

[Mikess1978]

I can certainly understand why this is causing you to carefully consider what you have learned or otherwise deduced. To be candid, I'm afraid that I'm back to worrying over you due to how secretive and reticent she is (my words, of course. You calling her mysterious is diplomatic and entirely legitimate).

 

What really alarms me is her unrestricted vacationing, as I had to vote to turn down *volunteers* this week and these kind souls are worth their weight in gold - but we couldn't invest in their training nor schedule around their upcoming trips and personal commitments - and neither of them are as considerable as this woman's.

 

I'm not suggesting that this in and of itself is necessarily proof positive that she's doing something dubious, but it does bring me significant pause when measured against the rest of the considerations.

 

Are you feeling at all able to contemplate cutting her out of your life in one stroke? Not in a hostile or censorious fashion, simply in a decisive one. Tapering off seeing her and interacting with her may be a bit rough on you, is my fear, given how challenging life seems to be treating you, in general, just now.

 

Dahl,

 

Sometimes we know the truth but we don't want to accept it. Maybe, that is the case with me. But I am accepting that I am biased towards her. At the same time, I have decided that this cannot go forever. I have to stop it. So first step was letting her know that I don't have any money. I am expecting her to change her behaviour towards me.

 

There are even more signs to indicate that she is hiding something (she has been to all the fancy places in Dubai, she has vacations planned in April, July and August) but I know that she has told me a lot about her life which is true. I do not have any proof that she is what you think she is. She was clear from day one that there is no romance, it is FWB situation but we can be good friends.

 

As I said before, I need to move on, I need to focus on other things and I need to be stronger to say no to her. With my current scenario, I don't think can cut all the ties off with her in one go.

 

PS: I see Tommy Lee Jones pic and I keep thinking I am talking to a male. I like him.

[Dahl]

*laughs* I love the book/movie (No Country for Old Men) but the scene in which that still comes from has to be one of my favorite of all times. He just embodies incredulity. I am most assuredly female but I normally do not say one way or another online - I only put the information up here because I thought it might be useful to the other members of the forum and this site does an amazing job of protecting its members and upholding the integrity of the system. I feel very safe here. But, now that you mention it, I do get called 'dude' and 'buddy' an awful lot..

 

I don't want to hijack the points you need addressed in your thread by harping on this, so if you will permit me to make one last observation on this particular subject - the more details you submit, the more concerned I grow about how trustworthy she is - *not* especially as a person, but rather, to be in a role that has such a private and currently profound impact on you. I do think she is of dubious character. This does not mean that I think she's doing anything nefarious, but instead that I'm worried that you need to be supported and feel that you can rely on the information and interactions that you have with others, right now more than ever, and the reason that this woman brings me pause is not because of the relationship that you two have as much as the role she may be occupying to the exclusion of others who could better suit.

[Wiseman2]

Honesty is the best policy whether it is fwb, casual dating, "not being ready for a relationship" or whatever it is you need to tell her. Don't string her along, even if you feel inner turmoil.

[DancingFool]

Telling her that you don't have money when she can see that you do and when you are paying her rent is nothing more than fooling yourself.

 

She will ride out your claims of no money because she knows that the protest is just a protest and eventually the tap will keep running. Besides, you are paying her rent, so there is money in that and she will not walk away from that.

 

Regardless, Sara is a business transaction and was so from the start. I don't think that makes you a bad person or abnormal. Avoidance is something we are all guilty of at one point or another, so nobody can judge you for avoiding your problems and using Sara for that. However, comes a time where you have to move forward, drop the crutch, Sara, and actually go address your problems head on and go back to living a fulfilling life.

 

It's a bit like you broke your leg, you bought yourself a a good crutch, but now enough time has passed and your leg is healing and you have to relinquish the crutch and go through the pain of physical therapy so you can walk and run again. You don't want to be limping forever because you got too attached to the crutch and were too afraid of the discomfort of therapy. Time for you to get out of your comfort zone. You will discover that the world is really a pretty cool place after all.

[Mikess1978]

Honesty is the best policy whether it is fwb, casual dating, "not being ready for a relationship" or whatever it is you need to tell her. Don't string her along, even if you feel inner turmoil.

 

I am not really sure if I follow you.

 

I have been honest with her. I don't really lie unless I really need to. It mostly happens in my professional life rather than in my personal life. You know, how things can go wrong with clients' stuff and we need to pretend all is well.

 

She tells me stuff and I don't know if it is a lie.

[Mikess1978]

Telling her that you don't have money when she can see that you do and when you are paying her rent is nothing more than fooling yourself.

 

She will ride out your claims of no money because she knows that the protest is just a protest and eventually the tap will keep running. Besides, you are paying her rent, so there is money in that and she will not walk away from that.

 

Regardless, Sara is a business transaction and was so from the start. I don't think that makes you a bad person or abnormal. Avoidance is something we are all guilty of at one point or another, so nobody can judge you for avoiding your problems and using Sara for that. However, comes a time where you have to move forward, drop the crutch, Sara, and actually go address your problems head on and go back to living a fulfilling life.

 

It's a bit like you broke your leg, you bought yourself a a good crutch, but now enough time has passed and your leg is healing and you have to relinquish the crutch and go through the pain of physical therapy so you can walk and run again. You don't want to be limping forever because you got too attached to the crutch and were too afraid of the discomfort of therapy. Time for you to get out of your comfort zone. You will discover that the world is really a pretty cool place after all.

 

She has seen my cars and house long time ago so I cannot now tell her that that was not mine. However, I can be firm which I will be when she asks me for more money.

 

I loved your analogy of crutches. It is a great one. You are bang on on my problem. I just need to be strong and start treating her just like a friend, nothing more than that. As you said, I have to move out of my comfort zone and face the reality now. I cannot hide my problem behind Sara.

[Mikess1978]

*laughs* I love the book/movie (No Country for Old Men) but the scene in which that still comes from has to be one of my favorite of all times. He just embodies incredulity. I am most assuredly female but I normally do not say one way or another online - I only put the information up here because I thought it might be useful to the other members of the forum and this site does an amazing job of protecting its members and upholding the integrity of the system. I feel very safe here. But, now that you mention it, I do get called 'dude' and 'buddy' an awful lot..

 

I don't want to hijack the points you need addressed in your thread by harping on this, so if you will permit me to make one last observation on this particular subject - the more details you submit, the more concerned I grow about how trustworthy she is - *not* especially as a person, but rather, to be in a role that has such a private and currently profound impact on you. I do think she is of dubious character. This does not mean that I think she's doing anything nefarious, but instead that I'm worried that you need to be supported and feel that you can rely on the information and interactions that you have with others, right now more than ever, and the reason that this woman brings me pause is not because of the relationship that you two have as much as the role she may be occupying to the exclusion of others who could better suit.

 

This is what I am also worried about (in bold).

 

I am not looking for relationships. I just want to help my wife get settled and have enough for her life.

 

I like Tommy Lee Jones and he is from Texas. No country for old man was a great movie.

[DancingFool]

She has seen my cars and house long time ago so I cannot now tell her that that was not mine. However, I can be firm which I will be when she asks me for more money.

 

I loved your analogy of crutches. It is a great one. You are bang on on my problem. I just need to be strong and start treating her just like a friend, nothing more than that. As you said, I have to move out of my comfort zone and face the reality now. I cannot hide my problem behind Sara.

 

I would just suggest that you actually come around to the idea of removing Sara from your life entirely. Keeping her as a friend is still leaning on the crutch. There is also the practical reality that you are developing an emotional attachment and that attachment will get in your way of moving on and forming other relationships with women. No decent woman will want to step into a situation where the man has this "friend" he is deeply attached to and used to sleep with. It won't fly.

 

The other part too is women aside, you need to actively branch out and make yourself make new friends - men and women. Go explore some hobbies, sports, learn to play tennis or golf if you don't do it already. Join groups and start making yourself socialize. That will do more for your depression than any doctor or medication can. At first you will have to make yourself do it, but after awhile it will start to feel good. Just doing new things in general knocks your brain out of a bad groove and into a different mode. Try things for the sake of even if you think it's not your thing. You might discover a new passion that way.

[Mikess1978]

I would just suggest that you actually come around to the idea of removing Sara from your life entirely. Keeping her as a friend is still leaning on the crutch. There is also the practical reality that you are developing an emotional attachment and that attachment will get in your way of moving on and forming other relationships with women. No decent woman will want to step into a situation where the man has this "friend" he is deeply attached to and used to sleep with. It won't fly.

 

The other part too is women aside, you need to actively branch out and make yourself make new friends - men and women. Go explore some hobbies, sports, learn to play tennis or golf if you don't do it already. Join groups and start making yourself socialize. That will do more for your depression than any doctor or medication can. At first you will have to make yourself do it, but after awhile it will start to feel good. Just doing new things in general knocks your brain out of a bad groove and into a different mode. Try things for the sake of even if you think it's not your thing. You might discover a new passion that way.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the suggestion of trying new things. I am doing it already.

 

There are just so many things going on with my life and most of them are pretty serious so I want to make sure I don't take any sudden step. I hope you understand.