Attraction

[ranger]

I've gone on 5 dates so far with this girl I met online mid January. Everything has been going well, and we have a lot in common. The problem is, I'm not that attracted to her. We always have fun when we're together, but lately it's starting to bug me that i'm not that attracted to her. I've pretty much felt that way since the first date, but I really wanted to give her a chance as I felt like I was just being too picky. I've really wanted this to work, but I feel that I may just be setting myself up for disappointment down the road.

We just went on our 5th date yesterday and we texted a couple times that night and that was it since it was late. I haven't said anything to her today as I'm not sure if I want to keep going with it, or tell her how I feel as it was pretty much the only thing I thought about all day at work today. It just really sucks. Am I being unrealistic or picky? And if I should just tell her, what should I say? I don't want to hurt her.

[Capricorn3]

What is it about her that you aren't attracted to?

[Dahl]

My vote is to move on. You haven't done anything wrong. You seem to be dead reasonable and you tried to give it, and her, a quite fair chance. It's likely just a chemistry mismatch.

 

As far as what to say, I recommend saying as little as possible beyond the most necessary part, that you don't wish to continue to see her. If she's hurt or worse by your polite candor, I doubt that you could avoid upsetting her. It reflects well on you that you're trying to be sensitive to her in this but I would hate to see you wind up feeling badly, yourself.

 

Maybe just a brief, 'I appreciate the time we've spent together. I don't see a romantic future for us, however. This isn't a fit for me on that level.'

 

Good luck whatever you decide to do.

[Capricorn3]

It's interesting that you had the almost identical problem in 2014 and before that too. What gives?

[ranger]

I hope I don't sound shallow, but she's not exactly skinny, but also not overweight (I'm pretty skinny, so my ideal partner would be someone that's also skinny). However, I went on a couple dates with a girl a while back that wasn't skinny either, but I thought she was very cute so I didn't care. And then the other thing is that her face isn't that attractive to me. Usually I'm fine if I find one thing or the other attractive, but I'm having a hard time with her. I've tried to look past it as I know looks aren't everything.

 

It's interesting that you had the almost identical problem in 2014 and before that too. What gives?

I think some of it is that most of my dating has been online, and some of the pictures in their profiles are a bit old, so they end up not looking quite the same when you meet them. I've actually had that happen a few times. I really wish I could meet someone while I'm out somewhere or through a friend, but that hasn't happened yet.

[Dahl]

I hope I don't sound shallow, but she's not exactly skinny, but also not overweight (I'm pretty skinny, so my ideal partner would be someone that's also skinny). However, I went on a couple dates with a girl a while back that wasn't skinny either, but I thought she was very cute so I didn't care. And then the other thing is that her face isn't that attractive to me. Usually I'm fine if I find one thing or the other attractive, but I'm having a hard time with her. I've tried to look past it as I know looks aren't everything.

 

Certainly, but they're not nothing, either.

 

Still sounds entirely reasonable to me.

[Capricorn3]

Sounds like you have a history is "dating" girls you are not attracted to. 3 dates, 5 dates, known them for 3 weeks etc etc - ALL very very short-lived and then you suddenly aren't attracted. I find that very odd. Nothing makes sense. Why not date girls you ARE attracted to in the first place?

[ranger]

I feel like I could if I met someone outside of online dating. But some of the ones I find really attractive online either don't respond to my message, or we end up going out and then after one or two dates, they usually say something like they don't see us being anything more than friends.

[Dahl]

I still don't see any issue here. You're meeting with dates and sensibly assessing if there's any potential. And you're taking steps to ensure that you're not making hasty or superficial judgment calls. Which I think is just fantastic.

 

Why are you restricted to online dating, super busy or small community, or?.. I wonder if you would feel more confident in making a more solid match if you could make them in person, as well, such as joining a new group, volunteering, sports, a particular hobby or interest, etc.

 

Good luck!

[ranger]

I don't have any opportunities to meet anyone while at work, and I hang out with the same friends that rarely bring anybody new around. I have time to do things if I want. I've actually considered finding a group that does stuff like hiking or something, but I've just never been serious enough to do it. Maybe I should make it happen this year, as it will be getting warm outside soon. I'd love to meet someone in person, although I'm a bit shy at first so it's a little more challenging, depending on the situation, which is why online dating is easier but I'm not getting very far with it.

[angrythoughts]

I'd end it before it gets more serious. She might start to develop heavier feelings for you and that's the last thing you want.

 

In terms of telling her your reasons why.... don't tell her you're not attracted to her. That's just mean lol.

[Keyman]

Is this not the point of the dating process? To meet someone, get to know them and hopefully build feelings for them. If after several dates, you are still not sure about that person, you should set them free and move on to the next one.

 

Attraction is an important thing to many people, both male and female. If you are not attracted to a person, you may never feel anything build on the inside. It's not an entiely shallow perspective either. But attractiveness cannot be the only thing either.

 

I don't think there is anything to feel bad about. You've tried, taken her out a few times in hope something would come of it and have reached a point where you're still not sure. Let her down nicely and move on.

[PICCOLLO]

Ive dated girls a few times and the attraction hasnt been there. Often i'll date them four or five times and give it every chance and still nothing. Id suggest letting this girl go or becoming friends. Ive recently met a girl who I really click with and the spark of attraction is there. Trust me, you're better off waiting.

[Betterwithout]

Ive dated girls a few times and the attraction hasnt been there. Often i'll date them four or five times and give it every chance and still nothing. Id suggest letting this girl go or becoming friends. Ive recently met a girl who I really click with and the spark of attraction is there. Trust me, you're better off waiting.

 

I'll chime in to agree. Sometimes the attraction just isn't there, as much as you want it to be. The person could be great in a lot of ways, but something just doesn't "do it for you" and that's fine.

I like to call these 'yellow" flags. Not a red one (blatently obvious), but yellow (they would make a great friend, but you can't imagine too many years between the sheets with them)

 

Keep searching, you'll find that girl eventually.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to say, but it is what it is when it comes to attraction. If there's no attraction being kind isn't going to inspire it with time. That's why a brief coffee meet in person asap is essential to see if there's enough chemistry to bother going further.

 

Unfortunately this happens to everyone. Most everyone has walked into a place to meet and said to themselves. "oh please...don't let that be her/him".

I hope I don't sound shallow, but she's not exactly skinny her face isn't that attractive to me. some of the pictures in their profiles are a bit old, so they end up not looking quite the same when you meet them. I've actually had that happen a few times. I really wish I could meet someone while I'm out somewhere or through a friend, but that hasn't happened yet.

[ranger]

I appreciate all the advice. I decided it was best to end it with her, which was tough. I just sucks because it takes me a long time to find someone, especially one that the feelings are mutual.