Ex not committing to 'finalising' our relationship

[DrkHrt]

My ex decided he had had enough back in January. It's now nearly March and we still have a joint account that needs closing, plus we have items to give back to each other.

Despite the fact I didn't want this breakup, and initially I was very resistant and protested it, but since then I have been 100% mature and attempted several times to arrange a date for us to meet up and finalise everything.

However he is either 'busy', and the one time he did agree, he woke up an hour and a half late.

Last week he got annoyed with me over something really petty, and now will not return my texts at all. I know he is recieving them because he's always 'online' on WhatsApp, so he is seeing my messages come through.

I don't understand what he's playing at- I am actually giving him the green light to leave- finalising things is important and it means that we can officially let go and move on. But he either seems to not be taking it seriously (waking up late), always too 'busy' to meet up, or he'll say something like 'whenever there's a chance', or he won't respond to my texts at all.

It makes no sense considering HE is the one who wanted to move on in the first place. I feel attached to him despite the fact he CLAIMS he wants out. So it's now holding me back and I'm becoming very [bleeped] off.

[Wiseman2]

Look into closing the account without him present at the same time. Ask a the bank or an attorney how to go about that. Why let him he the holdup to your healing/moving on?

[DancingFool]

You don't need his agreement to separate things out and move on.

 

Go to the bank, get your share of the funds out and remove your name and information from the account. Done.

Regarding his stuff, pack it all up. Send him a text and an e-mail that he needs to pick it up by x date or it's going into trash. If he doesn't respond, send a certified letter, return signature required stating the same. This is so he doesn't come after you for destroying his property. If he doesn't respond and doesn't pick up his stuff by the given deadline, you are free to toss it.

 

Closure doesn't come from your ex. It comes from you. Whatever he has of yours, you can demand to pick it up or you can write it off if it's not expensive and things you can easily replace. Basically, cost benefit type thing. Is it better to let the stuff go for your own peace of mind and well being rather than carrying on the current situation.

[DrkHrt]

I've already checked with the bank and we are both required to be present.

[DancingFool]

I've already checked with the bank and we are both required to be present.

 

To close the account or to remove yourself from the account? There might be a difference there. I can see where you'd both need to be present to close the account, but I'm quite certain you can remove yourself from the account without the approval of the other person on the account. You might want to talk to a manager at a different bank branch. In my experience, some of them are completely clueless about what can be done and how.

 

Anyway, if he absolutely has to be present, then consult an attorney. You cannot leave this open just because he is being an azz about it. That is actually for your own protection. For example if he overdrafts the account one day, it will go on your financial record as well. Like it or not, you need to take serious action. Treat this also as a lesson that unless you are married, you should never have joint accounts or combine finances. Never.

[j.man]

I've already checked with the bank and we are both required to be present.

What bank are you with? The entire point of joint account holders is so that both have the same full benefits and responsibilities to each act independently on the account, including the ability to close the account out. Similar to how you don't both need to be present to clean the account out.

 

If you can't close the account, that would mean you're an authorized user, not an account holder, in which case you can go in and easily have your name removed.

[Almira23]

What bank is this exactly? And is this a bank in the U.S?

I work for a bank in the U.S. and no matter if it's a checking, savings, or credit card account if you want to remove yourself from a joint account then you have every right to do so.

We can't keep you on an account that you no longer want. The only way we would need permission from both parties is if you are attempting to completely close the account.

I don't understand why you can't just take your share and remove yourself from the acct. What was the banks reasoning for this?

[Pretzel]

He is being irresponsible and inconsiderate. On the banking my knowledge doesn't go far but i'm inclined to agree that you should just show up one day and demand your belongings back; or let it go if can be easily replaced.

 

And his stuff, box it up and drop it off when you go for your stuff, or tell him to come and pick it up otherwise will be thrown out.

[DrkHrt]

Well, maybe naively, it was him who told me we both have to be present to close the account.

So then when I looked this up with my bank, it confirmed that this is the case.

However I didn't know that I had an option to simply REMOVE myself from the account.

[DrkHrt]

It's a UK bank.

[J Miracle]

It sounds like your the one hanging onto these loose, easily remedied connections with him. Just because he hasn't picked up his garbage from you, and both your names are on an empty ghost account, doesn't mean he hasn't "finalized" things. Its over, and its final indeed. He just doesnt care. Why? because the bank account is sad and empty, and his "belongings" are actually garbage he couldn't fit into his fiat.

 

Stop hanging onto the garbage, literally and proverbially.

[DrkHrt]

Quite true J Miracle. Thank you

[catfeeder]

File a small claim with your local court. If he doesn't want to deal with a court date, he'll settle before that day. If not, your court will help you settle your claim.

[DrkHrt]

The account is not really an issue- it was fairly new and I hadn't put any money into it anyway. And I know my options now so I'm not concerned about that.

It's more his behaviour and the contradictory messages- I know I shouldn't care what he thinks/feels but anyone who has spent years with someone will understand that not knowing why someone wants to leave/ won't talk to you, lingers inside for a long time. Let's be very clear- I have made it clear that I am happy for him to be free. I am not begging him to stay or protesting the breakup. But I do feel I derserve the respect of him acknowledging me and even if that's to tell me that he doesn't want anything to do with me, I would prefer that rather than the silent treatment. I know I'm not the first and certainly not the last to experience this kind of situation. I am not looking for a pity party but of course I'm human so it's difficult without any word from him. All I've had is angry texts.

[No1]

Drk.. you two dated so he has a respect and a love and care for you but since you two are not dating, I dont think he has to tell you that. There are things that you have to settle on your own and this issue is one of them. You two met, and he was attracted to you and repsected you enough to be committed with you. Why cant you take that and use it?

 

Break ups suck and they are hard and no one likes them. Sometimes to get over a hump like this one, we have to do our own heavy lifting and not rely on our X to help us. You are looking for that affermation that you feel like you deserve. You had it already, you dont need to be told again.

 

You can not control his actions, his time, what he is going to say, or when you want him to perform actions. So dont give so much time and energy to things you cant control. Just know that you are okay. Even if you never get your buddy tap on the shoulder with him saying I respect you, life does move on. And so will you.

[DrkHrt]

Thank you No1, a very insightful comment.