Husband moved to my country, and hates it!

[Mai]

Warning..this might be a long post.

 

I'm a 32 y/o woman. My husband is 30 y/o.

We met each other when I was on vacation in his country 2.5 years ago.

I have a hard time knowing where to start.

Almost ever since we got to know each other we've been having fights. Daily. Broken up (mainly me who threatened with a break up) out of frustration and sadness.

5 months ago he moved with me to my county. Before that we had a long distance relationship.

Things have just been so difficult ever since.

He hates my county. I'm from Scandinavia. Doesn't know the language, yet. Feels isolated. He keeps saying it's a "dead country" with nothing to do in. He's bored here. People are not his cup of tea. The thing is, he's a well travelled man. Since a young age, he's been traveling all over the world, and have been living and working in many places. To name a few; Montreal, NYC, London, Florida etc.

And due to that, I totally understand why my county then seems like the most boring place on earth. Truth is, that I myself never "loved" my county, and I always had a hard time seeing myself living here my entire life. But, I'm so very torn. The fact is that I have my family here, who I am deeply connected to and they mean the world to me. To live without them and having children who would only see their grandparents and the rest of the family rarely, would kill you.

My husband is aware of the fact that I can't live without my family and no, I don't share with him my own feelings about living here in Scandinavia, cause I don't think it would make sense to tell him that, when we're only here because of me.

My husband doesn't work yet, cause he doesn't have a work permission. So he also feels quite isolated here. He does go to the gym, but it doesn't seem like it's social enough for him.

 

He doesn't have the same strong connection with his own family back home as I have with mine. And he basically doesn't want to go home again. But he do want to live in Florida again or Montreal, where he's been living for 6 years of his life. And has tons of very good friends there. I don't think he's been giving my county a fair chance. But on the other hand, I don't think he'll ever love it here. People are way too different here than in North America.

My husband is an entrepreneur with high living standards, and people here are just extremely grounded and doesn't live a lifestyle like that. It's hard for him to find the same friends as he used to have in N.America.

I am frustrated every day cause I can see how frustrated he is, and I feel that I have such a big responsibility on my shoulders, in order for him to be happy here. It's also frustrating that I at the age of 32 y/o, doesn't feel that we can start our life together in a so called "peace of mind", a peace of "this is where we're going to stay bad build up our life together" I much more feel like that "we're living here today, but next week or next month it could all be looking very differently". This feeling stresses me tremendously.

Would have loved to write much more, but I feel bad for all of you who needs to read it. But feel free to ask me additional questions.

My basic question is what to do? Sometimes I feel like giving it all up. It's too hard for me. Too hard to feel like I constantly need to make him

happy here, in order to "keep him around".

My own happiness is fully dependent on his mood. When he's happy or excited about something, I get excited, even if it actually doesn't interest me, but just because I know that he's happy, and that maybe this or that thing will change his mind about being here.

[gebaird]

It's not your job to make him happy. Stop taking on this responsibility. He chose to marry you and move to your country. Since you have a firm boundary around moving to another country. If he decides to move, he'll have to do it on his own. That would be unfortunate, but can you really do anything about it? Can you change him? Can you make your country something other than what it is?

 

You are choosing to let his mood affect you. Instead, set an example for him by choosing to be happy even in difficult circumstances.

 

Also ... you fight every day? That actually seems like the biggest issue here.

[tattoobunnie]

Is there any groups he can join or non-profits he can volunteer for? Is he able to work on the house with some projects? Can we find a new hobby or skill to learn? Can you two get the Rosetta stone so he can learn the language?

 

It's not your job to make him happy, but it does help to facilitate things he can do.

 

I mean, when you move to New York, it takes at least 3 years to feel good in your own skin. It's normal for him to overwhelmed at first. What he will get out of it is what he puts into it.

[Wiseman2]

Where is he originally from? How long have you been married? Was the plan to live in Scandinavia? Agree, it's not your job to cure his homesickness and unemployment. He moved willingly with you 5 mos ago.

[Betterwithout]

Adjusting to a new culture is difficult for anyone, even for someone with many stamps in his passport. 5 months is pretty recent in a relationship. Encourage him and yourself that you need to find your groove in the country and in your relationship. Living as a transient with no long term home for many years was his normal. His new normal is probably taking it's toll on him now that Scandinavia is becoming a permanent home for him.

 

The question to ask yourself is...If you lived together in a mutually enjoyable country, would your relationship be fantastic? Maybe there is a relationship disconnect, and the new culture adjustment is the more convenient excuse for unhappiness.

[abitbroken]

Honestly, I think that if you were fighting so much, you should have ended the relationship or he should have moved to your country temporarily - if he couldn't do that due to immigration laws, surely he could have come on a tourist visa for a month or two, left and came back for a few weeks in a few months just to see how life is like there. I think you both did not do your due diligence before getting married.

 

It is hard to live in a country you are not familiar with, but much harder when you don't speak the language. Really, this is something he should have started to learn in preparation for marriage. Does he have a job? I know you said he's an entrepreneur, but how is he doing business there if he can't speak the language? Surely there must be a community of ex-pats from his country or a group that speaks his language if he speaks a common one like English or French.

 

I don't see this is as so much that you are not responsible for your husband's happiness, etc, and more so that the two of you did not think this through enough. I do not think you should move to another country and BOTH be miserable. I think that vacation romances are just that. At this point, he has to make an effort to learn the language and find beauty in the area because he loves you and is committed to the marriage, or this isn't going to work.

 

I honestly think if you give up your family and move - that he won't be happy with that either and not "build a life with you" there either. He is too transient.

[DancingFool]

Going to echo others that it's not your responsibility to make him happy. Also, you being so hyper focused on his moods that it directly affects your own is unhealthy. You should be leading him by example in terms of introducing him to friends, going out, socializing, trying different things, looking up places to go and things to do, etc. Which means that you should be leading a fulfilling personal life that includes him rather than one that fixates on him and his moods and makes him the center of your world to the exclusion of all else.

 

Regarding language.....English is the universal business language, so it shouldn't be such a barrier in terms of finding people to talk to in the business world. Regardless, he should be working full time on learning your language. Literally full time, get up in the morning and get to work. Look up schools and classes he can attend as well. You can find intensive language programs where you are immersed full time in the classes there all day and it does wonders for learning. He could be virtually fluent in 3 months if he chose to work at it hard and fast. The focus would also serve to alleviate a lot of his boredom and issues.

 

As for Florida.....I don't know if you know this, but in the US we jokingly call that state "God's waiting room". Meaning it's pretty dead, boring, and average population is 60+. If he thinks that's an exciting and happening place......mmmmyeah.....I can see that maybe he likes the warm climate and beaches, but.....as far as things to do goes, not much to do in Florida unless you are visiting as tourist for a bit going to Disney or Miami, both of which will get old fast once you live there full time.

 

Btw, I'm speaking as someone who has moved countries and I fully understand the pain of a social person not being able to communicate, not being able to joke around with people for lack of the grasp of the nuances of the language, local issues, politics, culture, etc. Truly, there is only one cure for all of that and that is learning the language, watching the news, reading the newspapers, watching local shows, movies, etc. The more you immerse yourself in all of that, the faster you start to feel human and like you fit in and get it again. There is no way around that.

[dias]

I agree with DancingFool. He should be studying the language full time though in 3 months you can't be fluent. I think Scandinavian languages are "similar" to German. And German is not an easy language to be learnt in 3 months.Anyway, I haven't met a Scandinavian that didn't speak English. It seems strange not to be able to communicate with local people.

[DancingFool]

I agree with DancingFool. He should be studying the language full time though in 3 months you can't be fluent. I think Scandinavian languages are "similar" to German. And German is not an easy language to be learnt in 3 months.Anyway, I haven't met a Scandinavian that didn't speak English. It seems strange not to be able to communicate with local people.

 

In three months you can actually be fluent enough as far as speaking goes if you immerse yourself in the language. Written German grammar is more complicated and will take more time to master, but you can certainly be well off enough communication wise.

 

Likewise I was wondering the same thing. Except for older generations, virtually everyone speaks English.