Wife using drugs need advice

[Sarahla023]

My wife and I have been together for 8 years. Earlier this year I found out she was using methamphetamines for a couple months after she got caught and she swore to me it was a fluke and it wasn't an addiction it was an accident few months later I caught her again she told me it was definitely over and she would never touch it again a month later I called her again she admitted that she used and she didn't mean to me each of these times I was very calm and only tried to support her so I feel like she's not taking me serious that I do not want to be with an addict I struggled with addiction as well not the same kind as her but I know that I don't want to go back so this is only making me think about using and almost wanting to use I'm scared that if I leave her she will hurt herself and she won't have anything to prevent her from using every day and sinking really far into that hole I know everybody says that their relationship is so much more than love and that it's so deep I used to think that but now I'm very confused on if everything we've ever said or that she has ever said to me is true. Because she had me very thoroughly convinced that she was never going to hurt me like she did and it just keeps happening and each time I say to myself the next time this happens I really have to leave not because I don't love her but because I love her too much and I have to think about myself and how I can't go back down this road I know Breaking Up Is Hard I just feel like it might be harder for me because since I've been with her I've only felt like I've needed her so I gave up all my friends and I really don't have anybody anymore to talk to so I'm struggling with all these emotions without anybody to bounce them off of and I know that I'm supposed to deal with this by myself because it's only my life it's nobody else's but I still feel like talking might make it easier

[Wiseman2]

Rehab is the only way to cut through the denial and you know the drill with that yourself, right?

[RainyCoast]

do you have help for yourself? a counselor, a support group, do you know anyone from your old rehab program who could be of support?

 

it's common for people who struggle with addiction to also be codependent, and you've isolated yourself from everyone to hyperfocus on this relationship. which friend could you call to get your old social circle back? if you fear that you'll be left without anyone it'll be more difficult to distance yourself from her, or let her go.

 

see someone from your local or regional addiction prevention program to help you not use now that you're so exposed to substances. or even your doctor.

 

do you have your own place? does she live with you? are there children involved? if she brings substances to your house, you could get in trouble.

[DancingFool]

Talking and support are important. You already have great advice above about reaching out to your past - support groups, friends, etc. Some friendships can be picked back up again regardless of time passed. Even some counseling/therapy sessions might be fantastic. Not because there is anything wrong with you psychologically, but simply to use that to bounce your thoughts and ideas off a neutral, but highly trained professional who can help you a lot to think through and deal with all the emotions involved. A good therapist can truly be your rock in this situation.

 

Other than that, you know perfectly well what addiction is and that the only way out is through personal desire and will power. Just like nobody can come in and fix you, you can't fix her either. You simply do not control what she chooses to do with herself and her life. If anything, sticking around just enables her to carry on with the drugs while providing zero incentive to seek help with her addiction. If she decides to harm herself....well....let's be honest, she is already harming herself in a slow and painful way....you leaving her isn't going to cause her to do anything she isn't already doing, however, there is a slim chance that losing her relationship to drugs might jolt her into getting help.

 

Be honest and straightforward with her. Tell her very simply that you cannot be with someone who uses any kind of drugs. Don't get into arguing whether or not she is addicted. Just using at all is sufficient grounds for leaving. Tell her that you love her, but can't carry on with the relationship. Then leave. Mean it. You can always tell her that if she gets clean and clear of all that, you will reconsider...but it's not about verbal promises, it's about her actually getting help and doing something constructive about it. If she calls you telling you that she will kill herself, call for an ambulance and let professionals address her problems. That might be another way to open a door for her to get actual help she needs.

[lostandhurt]

First off you need to reconnect with old friends. It doesn't matter if she is an addict or not, you should have friendships in your life and not tie your emotional well being to one person or any person for that matter.

 

She is addicted to meth and you know it. That means she will not stop using until she is dead or has lost everything.

 

She has lied to you, went behind your back and may have even stolen from you. This is only going to get worse so you need to be strong and make her understand that she needs outside help. If you can get her to admit she is addicted to meth then it is a start.

 

As you know it has to be her choice to seek and accept help but right now she is in denial and thinks she can stop anytime she wants. That lie she is telling herself is killing your marriage and will kill her one day.

 

In the end all you can do is give tough love, steer her towards rehab and counseling and be supportive if she is receptive but you also have to decide how much more of this you are willing to take before you have to grab a parachute and jump out of the marriage to save yourself.

 

Lost

[Sarahla023]

Thank you for all the advice. To answer some questions yes she and i live together, we are legally married, and no children involved. Technically i know what i should do its just hard. Period. Somewhere in the back of my head i think she may stop. She may choose me. But it's not a matter of choosing me over the drug. And i need to grasp that. I have no friends since the start of our relationship not just over the drug addiction. Truth is the friends i did have were only aquantices that provided and sold me drugs. Like i sais i struggled with addiction. I lived in WA all my life besides 9 years ago i moved to MN so here ever since i moved my only friends were in my circle of drugs. So i cant really find an old friendship to re-kindle. But i can and could make new friends. I understand that. I guess the reason for seeking out this forum is for justification on my side from a nuetrual source. I have the right to be upset and no matter what my wife says the point of the problem lies in her. Not me. I try to talk calm and point out the issues that really bother me and take a huge toll on my emotions but everytime i do ahe combats it with a reason and excuse. Its like she really doeant understand where im comming from. That has to be a defense mechanism right? She cant really think by doing this behind my back she isnt hurting me. She has admitted she thought she had control and that she doesnt even like the high. Ive tried to point out thats the reason people do it is for the high no matter if its the motivation or weight loss or mental focus ect she has told me she didnt think she would get caught. So thats a step. But everytime i think about that one time.... when she... blah blah or think about a past day when she said this... was she high then...? Or when she goes into the bathroom.... is she hiding something ?...Ect. Im driving myself crazy and cant seem to stop. The only way i feel better is when i try to turn off my emotions towards her. And just say she is just here. Not my lover. I don't care what she does. But thats not really working because i do love her. Alot. And leaving her is going to hurt bad. Who can i turn to? Who do i have that can help me through. Myself. Ots hard enough but to think about doing it alone hurts more. Its like im choosing which may hurt less. Im just sruck in the fantasy she may change and go back to the woman i married. For most of these situations that is a dream. Not realitly. And if i knew all this why is it so hard.?

[Wiseman2]

What about going to sobriety support meetings together like NA, etc?