I'm engaged but flirting with my older boss...feeling terrible

[AdrienneJL]

I have had a bit of a crush on my very handsome older boss for a long time, but this recently intensified after he helped me get my dream job. I'll use Robert as his pseudonym here.

 

Robert has been a great mentor to me and when he found out I wanted this job, he wrote letters and made calls on my behalf. When he heard (before I did) that I got the job, he took me out for dinner to celebrate and after walking me home, he gave me an unexpectedly long hug and a kiss on the cheek. That was the first physical contact we ever had in the 2 years we’d known each other and I dismissed it as a result of the emotional high of getting good news. However, now he touches me all the time. Whenever I pass him in the lobby or stairwell, he always brightens up and says something like “there she is!” and then rubs my arm or my lower back. He has also started sending me emails unrelated to work, such as asking if I like a particular singer and whether he should go to their concert.

 

Robert is 52 and I am 29. I find his behavior toward me odd because even though his nickname is “Mr. Bedroom Eyes” among the women in our office, he actually has a reputation for being very cold and difficult to approach. So when he does flirt with me, it attracts a lot of attention from other people in the office who see it. Even though I am physically attracted to him (like all the other women I work with) and part of me is flattered, I am also a bit embarrassed by the special attention. I asked for advice from a few coworkers I am close to, but they just dismiss his behavior as me being “teacher’s pet” because I am talented at my job. One of them even suggested I have a short fling with him to “get it out of our systems” since I’m leaving in a few months to start my new job anyway. I will be honest: I have thought about acting on that suggestion.

 

Robert is divorced, and I am engaged to marry a man who has been my best friend since grade school (we started dating in middle school). I haven’t discussed this with my fiance because he has been very stressed out in his job recently and I don’t want to burden him. My fiancé and I are not the romantic-type and our relationship has always been more of a deep friendship based on growing up together. I had never even flirted with another guy until this weird thing with my boss started.

 

Do you think Robert is interested in me? Or am I just overthinking his behavior because I am attracted to him? I abhor the idea of cheating on my fiancé, so how can I get over this crush on my boss? And how can I make things go back to the way they were (purely professional) without offending him in some way? I want to keep our professional relationship because he is a prominent person in our industry and I may need his help again some day.

[blindfold]

You thinking another man is attractive is not the issue here - you are human and we are programmed to find people to mate with. HOWEVER, being human also means that you are a step above animals, and our relationships are much much more complex than that. Deep friendship is, in my opinion, much more important for a lasting relationship. My advice to you is to distance yourself from this person and keep your relationship strictly professional. Do not engage in non-work related emails and try to stick to those subjects when speaking to Robert as well.

 

If you really want to be with your fiancée, you'll have to learn to get over finding other people attractive and consider that normal, whilst remembering that your SOULMATE and main focus is your partner. However you should not engage in behaviour and flirtation that will land you in a cheating situation. Stay away from that.

[Andrina]

Even though you have chemistry with your boss, and even though you're leaving that position, with the extreme age difference, I wouldn't pursue anything with him when you leave. You're in different life stages, When he's elderly, 23 years ahead of you, his days will be spent in retirement, attending doctor appointments while you're still vibrant and working. Guess you don't know what it's like to attend to an elderly parent yet, but that's what you'll feel like when you're living that sort of life.

 

Time to look at your fiance and see if he's really who you want for your one precious life on this planet. There are no do-overs. You can have many friends, but only one spouse. Shouldn't there be passion there? Otherwise, you're just settling.

[Wiseman2]

Does the boss know you are engaged? Keep it professional despite your crush. No need to gloat to your bf about it, unless you want unnecessary drama. This is all in your head. A fantasy.

how can I make things go back to the way they were (purely professional) without offending him in some way?

[Unreasonable]

Persuing the boss is not a good idea on many, MANY levels. Just forget that. If he crosses the line, just tell him that while you're very flattered but you are engaged and you want to have a good friendship. You really need to clamp down on that because it does NOT look good to the other people there.

 

I would perhaps reconsider your relationship with your fiancee as well. You don't sound 100% committed. I think you need to take EVER OUNCE of the energy you have spent daydreaming about Robert and put it towards your fiance/

[j.man]

Things won't go back to the way they were. I doubt you'd get canned for telling him to stop rubbing your lower back in greeting, but it can and likely will affect your professional life and opportunities at this job in other ways. I doubt your co-workers will respect you as a peer, not because you're good at your job, but because "oh em gee, guys, how do I get the boss to stop giving me the attention I enjoy?" is about as becoming as eating tuna salad in the office area.

 

Either assert yourself or look for work elsewhere. And ask yourself some hard questions about your relationship. Are you genuinely OK with the idea of only ever having been with one guy your whole life? Are OK without romance? Are you only with him for the sheer stability of it all? Not making a judgment call here. But outright asking us first and foremost whether your boss is interested in you is a sure sign you're beyond the point of simply crushing on someone.

[Wiseman2]

Very well said. Agree 100%

I would perhaps reconsider your relationship with your fiancee as well. You don't sound 100% committed. I think you need to take EVER OUNCE of the energy you have spent daydreaming about Robert and put it towards your fiance

[Doc Blaze]

My fiancé and I are not the romantic-type and our relationship has always been more of a deep friendship based on growing up together.

 

 

have you ever talked to him about it? seems like you would like some more romance in your relationship I believe the problem comes from that.

If you haven't, I would suggest you both talk about this. not about the boss but about needing some more romance in the relationship.

 

Also, don't listen to these women who say, you should just get it out of your system? did they know you are engaged..thats

like the worst advice ever.

[Unreasonable]

But outright asking us first and foremost whether your boss is interested in you is a sure sign you're beyond the point of simply crushing on someone.

^ This 100%.

[MissCanuck]

Don't even entertain the idea of hooking up with your boss. There are so many reasons why that is a bad idea, apart from being engaged.

 

Now, the other and bigger problem I see here is that you're not really ready to get married. You are obviously susceptible to another man's advances, and I think it's because your relationship doesn't offer you the things you truly want and you've never had anything else. If it's not this boss who is able to tempt you, it will likely be someone else in the future. I'm not saying this to bring you down, but rather to point out the implications of this crush. Are you really ready commit yourself forever to your fiance, and a marriage without romance? It sounds as though you are not, or you wouldn't even toy with the idea of sleeping with your boss. I think you need to ask yourself some tough questions.

 

When are due to marry, and why did you agree to do so? I mean that as a sincere question, no snark intended.

[BeenThereB4]

@blindfold, humans ARE animals, literally, no room for interpretation.

[Jibralta]

As others have said, you need to evaluate whether you want to be married or not.

 

If your marriage is important to you, then:

 

Do you think Robert is interested in me?

 

Who cares?

 

Or am I just overthinking his behavior because I am attracted to him?

 

Who cares?

 

I abhor the idea of cheating on my fiancé, so how can I get over this crush on my boss?

 

If you abhor the idea of cheating on your fiance, then don't do it.

 

Don't inflame feelings that can lead to infidelity. Stop flirting with your boss. Be less available. Don't stand close enough for him to touch you.

 

And how can I make things go back to the way they were (purely professional) without offending him in some way?

 

You are leaving soon. Be polite until that time. It's just a crush, nothing more.

 

I want to keep our professional relationship because he is a prominent person in our industry and I may need his help again some day.

 

First, stop flirting with him because that is unprofessional. Second, be polite and act in a professional manner until you leave.

 

Also, a good point:

 

I doubt your co-workers will respect you as a peer... because "oh em gee, guys, how do I get the boss to stop giving me the attention I enjoy?" is about as becoming as eating tuna salad in the office area.

 

^That sort of behavior is unprofessional and childish. It reads like a ham-handed attempt to fish for compliments and flaunt your 'success' with the boss, whether that was your intent or not. Don't forget, your coworkers are also in your industry and could also become respected individuals whose help you may welcome in the future.

[dancinggirl67]

Are you willing to throw away your future husband for a man you THINK MIGHT be interested in you?

 

It is clear to me that you are not ready to get married anytime soon.

 

If I were you, I would break off my engagement and be single for a long while. With or without "Robert" in the picture.

 

Do not ruin another man's life due to your own issues. Think about your fiancé. He has feelings too as well as a heart, which will be badly broken if you marry him and then question your choice. It is better to let him go honestly and to hurt him with the truth.

 

Do the hard work. Take a long look at yourself and address deep down what is going on with YOU to cause you to behave this way. Do not escape the issues. Confront them like an adult.

 

Trust me, Robert is NOT the answer.