Can I trust he wont be aggressive to me again..

[Anonymous1994]

I haven't written on a forum before so please forgive me if anything I say or mention isn't as relevant as usual forums are, and consider myself as a very private person but seeking the advice of complete strangers feels as though it may be my last resort as I feel very lost right now and don't feel comfortable speaking to my close friends or family because I believe they would only tell me to leave the relationship and would not forgive me if i chose to stay. I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half, we have spent no longer than a night apart the entire relationship and although some people would think that as too much we both love it this way and both admit to missing each other's presence when we're apart. We both work full time hours each week so aren't spending 24/7 together but are very affectionate and loving to one another when we are together, and would consider ourselves as a very intimate couple who are very loyal and have never had any issues with unfaithfulness or trust around cheating, lying etc. This has bonded us very well and he is my first serious relationship, I honestly feel like I couldn't ever love another man as much or as deeply as I love him and feel he is my soul mate and the only person in the world for me.. I know that may sound cliche and that I am young but I consider myself a mature adult, and wouldn't make these statements if I didn't mean them.

Now that I have explained the relationship I need to explain the reason I have reached out for help on this forum anonymously. My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk.. This has caused issues for us in the past and there has been a few occasions where his actions have hurt me very severely as I am a fairly sensitive person and he means the world to me and to have him put me down just breaks my heart. Examples of this are that when we went out for a birthday early in the relationship we were drinking at a bar/club kind of venue, we were both intoxicated and my dress slid up slightly, revealing my underwear, it was a complete accident but he called me a and left me alone and walked off, I was an absolute mess, the next day he apologised and said it would never happen again, I trusted him but it happened again, the next time he left me at a night club when we were celebrating his birthday as a friend of his tried giving me a drink and he accused me of being 'close to him' in the past which I wasn't, he lost it at me for seeking help from his brother who was out and with us, but I had only done that to try and get his brother to calm him down, he again left me and told me he would be blocking my number and would be ok without me in his life, I was so broken and hurt, I was in tears in front of everyone, but I trusted him again and gave him another chance. Another occasion was at his cousins wedding, we were having an amazing night, he told me he couldn't wait for our day to come when we marry, we danced, drank, laughed and then his brother couldnt find his phone so I went to go help him and my boyfriend lost it at me and called me a , and said he didnt want to be with a kind of girl that walks away alone etc, he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall. That was the first time he was ever aggressive, but I havent mentioned even half of the times he has verbally insulted me and put me down. That time I broke up with him, I didn't speak to him for a while but eventually forgave him as he truly convinced me he was disgusted in himself and has learnt his lesson that he will lose me.. that was a few months ago and we have been better than ever recently, but just this weekend he was drinking and got drunk at his sports club, I came to his house late at night when he got home and he wanted fast food so I offered driving him to go and get it, when doing this I was tired and not in a good mood, I get stressed about him drinking and find myself irritated easily, I just wanted to be asleep already (it was past midnight and I was meant to see him around 10pm but he stayed later than he planned to originally) I was being fairly short with him but kept explaining I was just tired. We arrived back to his house and I needed to bring my bag in, I told him to bring the drinks in himself and food and he snapped, he called me a because I was in a bad mood and when I went to walk into the house he was at the door and he hit my head from behind with his hand. I couldn't and still can't believe he did it. It wasn't a punch but it did hurt me physically and I was beside myself with stress and sadness. I left immediately and woke the next day to him calling and calling , apologising over text and I blocked his number. He emailed me so I called him and said I dont know if I can forgive him. He has said he's been researching into domestic violence and that this was a big wake up call for him and he will never do it again. He said it makes him sick that he did it to me and he is so sorry and couldnt imagine his life without me and that he loves me and is so sorry for his actions. Please give me your opinions because I am at a point where I have no one else to reach out to for advice. I love him so much but dont know what to do anymore. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[Mikess1978]

My life is in a mess so maybe, my advice does not count.

 

Ask these three questions to yourself and decide:

 

1 Do you really want to be stressed out when he drinks for the rest of your life? You wont be able to enjoy any social function because you will be worried about him.

2 He has done this several times in last one and half year. Do you wanna go through this rest of your life?

3 Let's assume that you guys get married. Do you think your kids will respect him since he beats you up?

 

For me, it is a clear, leave him asap. He has no self control, he does not trust you, he does not respect you and the most important thing is that abuse of any kind has no place in any relationship.

[SherrySher]

Your boyfriend needs to get help for abuse as soon as possible. Whether it be counselling, therapy, a support group , he needs to seek help. He also needs help with his drinking, it's out of control, especially if he rages, which by the sound of it, he does. Nothing will change until these two things happen, nothing will get better. You can't fix him, and love alone will not fix this.

And lastly, not only does he need to go into individual counselling but you should consider couples counselling as well if you are considering continuing on with him.

 

This is not just something you two can talk about and then leave it. These are very serious problems and they will get worse and worse if he does not get help. He could easily hurt you very badly.

I really do hope that you will take some time away to yourself for now and let him know that he needs help and he needs to go into counselling or you cannot continue.

Please, this is for both of your well beings.

[Hollyj]

He is an alcoholic and abusive.

 

You need to get away from him, he needs treatment for both of his problems - I am not talking a few weeks or months. It is not sufficient for him to read up on things.

 

You must tell your family and friends. if you are so ashamed of his behavior, THEN YOU SHOULD NOT BE WITH HIM!

 

If this were your sister or best friend, how would you advise them in this matter? Do better for yourself, your bf has some serious issues! He could kill you!

[Blue Dreamer]

You already know in your heart you cannot trust him to be aggressive. That is why you are here. Do you love him, or are dependent upon him? I would venture the latter. As you know, you are young with much prospect and potential. There is a world of better men out there waiting for you.

 

As hard as it may be to break it, you know deep down you will be thanking yourself in a few weeks/months for letting him go right now. You would not be posting today in such negative detail if there was not a large fraction of you wanting to get out. If I am wrong, you are welcome to fall back to the dependant relationship you are in that will only result in disaster long term.

[blindfold]

You need to leave him. Google "cycle of abuse" please and get informed. He will not change and his abuse will escalate sooner or later. This person is not balanced.

 

I have been in an emotionally abusive relationship before and it took me years to leave him - he was my first real love and I thought we were soulmates and all tha you described.I was so glad when I did leave him for good though,'I am now in an amazing relationship going on 3 years with a wonderful man who treats me like a queen and whom I treat like a king. Worthwhile relationships are about give and take, but they are always based in mutual respect. Please leave this man, and start thinking you deserve someone who respects you - this new person IS out there.

[Wiseman2]

Even though you don't want to hear it from anyone, you know he's abusive and a drunk, but you think he's your soulmate because this is your first bf.

 

Most women would have too much self respect to stick around with a guy who calls women these things, no less physically abuses them drunk or not.

 

Your friends and family are trying to save your life but you are addicted to him. you realize what he's doing is a crime, right?

he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall.

 

he hit my head from behind with his hand. I couldn't and still can't believe he did it. It wasn't a punch but it did hurt me physically.

 

 

This is a lie he'll keep telling you 1994;6761266]He has said he's been researching into domestic violence and that this was a big wake up call for him and he will never do it again.