Bluerose1 Posted February 27, 2017 Share Posted February 27, 2017 I can't sort through this. It's been two years and I feel stuck. I was engaged to a drunk, not abusive just obnoxious and grumpy while drunk. Well I got a new job and met a guy, we'll call him Jason. Jason and I had intense immediate chemistry. I left the drunk, Jeff, for Jason and have been with Jason for almost two years now and we just had a baby, unplanned but I wouldn't change a thing! I can't stand Jason anymore. He has a short fuse and blames me for all of his shortcomings. I can't even talk to him without carefully selecting my words so I don't anger him. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. We have good days but they feel few and far in between. Our daughter is almost two months old and I stay for her. He bought a house and we live with him currently, he needs my help with the bills so I feel also stuck because of this. I miss Jeff deeply. He's sworn off drinking to get me back, he wants to fall in love with my daughter and help raise her as a family, he was and is truly an amazing guy I think I just ran out when things got tough when I should've fought. I haven't physically cheated, not something I could ever do, but my heart is still with Jeff. Jeff is still hanging on. I'm nervous about going back but I definitely want to. I want to give it another shot. I try to fix things with Jason but he just acts like nothing's wrong, gets defensive, or listens but doesn't fix anything, and manipulates everything into being my fault. He's a mess and can barely take care of himself, I do everything. I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained by this childish man. But he seems like he'd fall apart without me.. and I don't want to take his daughter away. I'd never keep her away, he just works a lot and weird hours so it'd be hard for him to visit often. I feel like I owe it to her to stay. But my ex, Jeff, is at his wits end and is close to giving up on me. Can you guys help me sort my head out? 🙁 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wiseman2 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Consider things carefully. Is the grass always really greener? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 I think I just ran out when things got tough when I should've fought. Two years down the road, you may be having the same thought about Jason! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThatwasThen Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 Your ex is an alcoholic and unless he's in a 12 step programme and has been sober for at least a year, you'd be foolish to go back while relying on his "word" that he will give up drinking for you. You jumped into a relationship out of desperation to be away from said drunk. I suggest you seek therapy for your codependency or at the very least, read everything you can on codependency and try to work yourself out of that addiction you have for men who are not good life partners (neither of your choices are or have been good life partners). Now you stay with a guy you don't even love out of fear of being alone and are actually contemplating going back to a poor choice for a partner again. Work on yourself with the help of books on codependency and preferably a counselor so that you quit choosing unwisely for yourself and your daughter. She doesn't need a drunk in her life... think about that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 You can't just pick up and move in with Jeff and decide to raise your little girl together and be a family. The child is Jason's child. You chose men very poorly both times, and now you need to live with the consequences. You really should seek counseling. You need to cut Jeff out of your life completely and tell him not to contact you. Let Jeff be at his wit's end. what kind of man is he to see a woman who has a baby and wants to break up that child's home? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lost21234 Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 This post makes me ill. You probably need to not be with anyone and take care of your daughter while you sort out the mess your mind is in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 You need to get the "happy family with Jeff" fantasy out of your head. It's not his child, and you're incredibly foolish to think the baby's father would fine with that scenario. It's not going to happen. Especially with a man who has a history of substance abuse. Good luck explaining that one to a family-law judge, if your current boyfriend were to pursue custody. What steps has your ex actually taken to treat his alcoholism? Promises aren't enough for an addict. His motives are very questionable, and the fact that he would even dare to suggest he raise another man's daughter as his own tells me he is immature and lack foresight. Your best bet is to be single for a while. You are clearly not thinking in terms of your own or your baby's best interests. If your boyfriend is a jerk, you come up with a plan to leave and establish a safe and peaceful environment for your baby. Going back to an unstable ex is not the place to do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluerose1 Posted February 28, 2017 Author Share Posted February 28, 2017 For starters, I absolutely am considering my daughter. That's why I am here, with Jason. Jeff knows whole heartedly that if he picks back up drinking then whatever's left is squashed. Also, he isn't diagnosed as an alcoholic. I personally believe he is. Codependency issues? I suppose. I should read more up on those. BUT Jeff is a great dad, and person. Temper? Yes but it's not like he yells at me, he knows not to curse at me either, he just stops talking altogether until he cools off. Jason, that man worships the ground I walk on. He also isn't a bad person and my daughter is so incredibly loved, spoiled, and well taken care of. I spend every waking moment with her and she wants for nothing. She's literally everything to me. So please, if you want to help, don't suggest she isn't because that's absolutely absurd. I don't want to break up my family, I'm cutting off Jason and repairing things with Jeff. If I focus on helping him overcome his anxiety there's a lot of potential here. I plan to instill more transparency in my life and to stop shutting down when things get hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissCanuck Posted February 28, 2017 Share Posted February 28, 2017 OP, how do you really expect your daughter's father to react to this news? Do you imagine he'll just let you take her and set up house with your ex? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jibralta Posted March 3, 2017 Share Posted March 3, 2017 I plan to instill more transparency in my life and to stop shutting down when things get hard. Ironically, it seems like you are doing that right now: shutting down when things are getting hard with Jason. You seem certain that they will be this way forever, and I suppose there's no convincing you that things can change. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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