Moving Ineeds? Money? Disappointment?

[Gardeningfool]

Things are going wonderfully. I am so in love that it is unbelievable. Not only am I so in lover but I feel loverd. We have been together for awhile and have talked about a future together. We went away this week and on the car ride home he told me that I was it for him. That it's not a matter of if but when. We have been talking alot about moving in together or at least the logistics of moving in. We are not there yet but heading in that direction. He owns a home and I live in an apartment in my parents home so I would be moving into his house. He is very financially settled with only 3 more years on his mortgage. He makes alot more money then me. I make an average salary and have not saved any money but paying things that I have off slowly. His plan is if we move in together that we would pool our money, have weekly allowances and all that I would be re sponsible for was food shopping money. He definitely likes the finer things in life and I feel like I won't be able to contribute like he can to our lifestyle. We talked about this in great length and he does not care about how much I make because he can take care of both of us, wants to take care of both of us and that money is not everything. He also says that I contribute so much more to our relationship then money. We are both professional teachers. I just can't stop thinking that I am going to move in and not beable to afford it and not be able to contribute more then groceries. I also feel like I will be moving into his home will i ever feel like it is my home too? Am I being silly in how I am feeling?

[Ms Darcy]

How old are you both?

 

I am just going to speak for myself, I wouldn't move in with someone I was dating unless we were engaged AND planning to buy a separate home that we picked out together.

 

Ultimately, I think it best that eventually you get a place that you get together so that things feel equal.

[melancholy123]

You are a teacher and all you can afford are groceries? Why is that? You should be able to afford close to half of the bills the house will generate. If you are a poor money manager you need to learn to do better.

 

I dont want to rain on your parade but what you describe is so far from a fair distribution of money to run a household and do you really want to be almost a "kept woman" if he's paying the majority of the bills? As soon as you have your first major fight this could all come crashing down. You need to think about that and talk to him about this possibility. Do some thinking with your head as well as your heart.

[itsallgrand]

Ok so that's what he wants . What do you want?

 

If you were to wait until you are able to provide your share, and to have the ability to own or rent your own home comfortably, how long until that? Is that a goal of yours? Where do you want to live? Do you want to be a home owner?

 

Do you care if moving in together leads to marriage or not? Another thing to seriously think about and the time line shift that may mean.

 

It's not silly to have your own thoughts on his plan. You get a say. You don't have to go along with it just because you are in love. You have to think about taking care of yourself first, and see if you are both going in the same direction. Know what you want. And let him know. Nothing is in stone, he's just presenting ideas that would work for him. He has his end covered for himself , make sure you do the same for you.

[Gardeningfool]

I am going good to be 32 in July and he will be 40 in september. I agree with you. I told him that I would move in when we got engaged. He agrees with that as well. With that being said he would also like to start a family sooner and I really like the idea of staying home with children while they are babies. Not having a mortgage which we won't have would allow me to to do.

 

I am just going to speak for myself, I wouldn't move in with someone I was dating unless we were engaged AND planning to buy a separate home that we picked out together.

 

Ultimately, I think it best that eventually you get a place that you get together so that things feel equal.

[Gardeningfool]

I am a good money manager. However my salary does not even compare to his. I am a teacher at a vocational training school making about 50,000 a year. It's not that I can't support myself. He makes alittle over 120,000 a year. He would like to pool our money into an account, pay the bills and what is left is our saving money. He can over all the expenses on his own. We will get engaged, move in together and when we get married that is the plan for money. But he does not want me to pay more until we are married

[j.man]

While I personally have nothing against moving in prior to marriage or an engagement, I definitely would not be combining money or assets until the knot was tied and it was much more legally simplified. Does he want all of your money put into an account to be divvied up or a contribution? If the latter, I'd be more fine with it... more or less a rent payment you actually have some oversight on. But definitely do not forfeit your paycheck.

 

Personally, I would not live with someone if I couldn't meaningfully contribute finances with them. "I'll pay the mortgage and you pay for groceries" to me screams "this is my home, and you are my favored guest." I doubt that's what he's callously outright thinking, but that's very often what situations like this end up boiling down to whenever **** happens to hit the fan. I don't have a problem paying down someone else's mortgage so long as my portion is on par or below market rate, but even if it's not under my name, I want it to be my home so long as I'm living there. That would entail paying for much more than groceries and the cable bill.

 

But to each their own. I understand you like the idea of being a stay-at-home, but I'd be striving to keep things as equitable as possible until that time comes. It doesn't sound like his proposition lends itself to that.

[DancingFool]

All I'm going to say is absolutely do not combine finances unless you are actually married. There are so so so many legal issues with that and so many things that can end up going badly for you. Living together makes you roommates, not a legal marital entity and a roommate should never ever ever have access to your paycheck, credit cards, bank accounts, etc. That's how you need to look at this.

 

As for living expenses, when the disparity in income is high, it's OK to share out contributions to the shared household on a pro-rata type basis. So instead of 50/50, it's 30/70 or some such. Basically you agree to a fair amount and hand it over to him like you would rent to a landlord type deal. As for everything else, he has no business as your bf to access your funds, manage your money, or give you "allowances". It may be what he wants, but I hope you are smart enough to say no to that.

[j.man]

As for living expenses, when the disparity in income is high, it's OK to share out contributions to the shared household on a pro-rata type basis. So instead of 50/50, it's 30/70 or some such. Basically you agree to a fair amount and hand it over to him like you would rent to a landlord type deal. As for everything else, he has no business as your bf to access your funds, manage your money, or give you "allowances". It may be what he wants, but I hope you are smart enough to say no to that.

Yup. My partner and I are in the process of looking for a new place now that she's making three times more than she did as a resident. Actually, our incomes are pretty much on par with yours and your partner's, OP. I contract, so some years are better than others. We'll be doing 40/60. When first talking about it, she actually suggested 35/65 to reflect our income disparity, but I knew I could contribute more while still being able to look to myself. I could never do the whole "you pay for groceries" or "you cover the cruise" thing. I'd want it very clear that I'm contributing what I can across the board.

[Betterwithout]

This is a good post... many couples don't sort out before sharing a place together. It's good you're thinking it through even though it's an elephant in the room type discussion.

 

OP, Don't be offended if he asks you to sign a pre-nup eventually. Depending on where you live, you can be entitled 50% of the house value if your relationship fails, and a dude with that income and mortgage already paid off will want to protect his interests. Your relationship sounds solid, but some people prefer a pre-nup when there is a net-worth disparity. Don't take it personally, and just allow your relationship to flourish regardless.

[Ms Darcy]

I am a good money manager. However my salary does not even compare to his. I am a teacher at a vocational training school making about 50,000 a year. It's not that I can't support myself. He makes alittle over 120,000 a year. He would like to pool our money into an account, pay the bills and what is left is our saving money. He can over all the expenses on his own. We will get engaged, move in together and when we get married that is the plan for money. But he does not want me to pay more until we are married

 

I think the real question is have you analyzed for yourself the risks and rewards of pooling all the money together before marriage? Of course, the reward seems to be that you get to be with him, do what he wants, not have too many expenses, and move a step closer to marriage. I think the risks are greater - what if the relationship doesn't work out? If you share money in one account, he could drain it. If you share money in one account, he could control what you take for your own allowance. If you share money in one account, he might take what you feel is a disproportionate amount for "the finer things."

 

Btw, what does it mean that he likes the finer things?

 

Ultimately, if you decide you want to stay home with kiddies in his home, then YOU have to decide to be comfortable with moving into his house. If it bothers you, it bothers you. But if there is a way you can make it work for yourself, after you get the potential financial issues out of the way, then go for it.

 

I think you have been dating for about a year, no? Don't feel like there is any rush to this. Take your time.

[Wiseman2]

All good things to think about. No don't fall for the 'buy the groceries' routine. It's your residence (not your house) when you write a check out to "rent", otherwise you are a guest who brings food.

 

Before moving in talk to an attorney about how to handle this. Even if you marry, his house doesn't become marital property depending on where you live. Moving in with someone is a multifaceted decision so don't get starry eyed and seduced.

 

The deal he's offering at this point is live-in gf who buys groceries and he can ask to leave at any time..

We have been talking alot about moving in together or at least the logistics of moving in. He owns a home and I live in an apartment in my parents home so I would be moving into his house. all that I would be re sponsible for was food shopping money.

[JaggerJim]

All good things to think about. No don't fall for the 'buy the groceries' routine. It's your residence (not your house) when you write a check out to "rent", otherwise you are a guest who brings food.

 

Before moving in talk to an attorney about how to handle this. Even if you marry, his house doesn't become marital property depending on where you live. Moving in with someone is a multifaceted decision so don't get starry eyed and seduced.

 

The deal he's offering at this point is live-in gf who buys groceries and he can ask to leave at any time..

 

I agree. Be careful.

[Gardeningfool]

I agree. Be careful.

 

Thank you all for all of the comments. I really appreciate it. You have given me alot to think about! Keep it coming