Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 My friends husband cheated on her and anytime she tries talking to him about it he says "it's too hard" she found out he was in love with his affair partner for years before the affair , I don't know what to tell her at this point
Seraphim Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Why would he talk about it ? That's not really something to rub in someone's face . She thinks she wants to know but if she hears she really wouldn't .
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 I agree, I guess she wants closure but she's very adamant about getting every detail about it.
journeynow Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Sounds like stirring up pain? Perhaps she hasn't forgiven him and put it behind them. Does she trust him now?
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 What would she think about third-party assistance, such as a trained therapist / mediator? Or other professional intervention and support - some safe place for both of them to feel they can speak and be heard in a positive, productive and structured environment. It may be worth some looking into, if it helps them to resolve the issue to some conclusion satisfying to them both, rather than try to sort through it by themselves. I wish them luck.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 She is pretty bitter and vengeful. I don't blame her it was her sister in law and husband. The worst part is he left her for the sister in law. No she says she can't trust anyone
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Fair enough. Is she seeing a therapist or receiving any equivalent professional support, at this time (just her, just for her own well-being, that is)? If not, would she be willing and able to do so? This must be an inconceivably difficult situation for her - or nearly anyone, for that matter - to face.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 She seems to think they are "ok" the way they are. It's confusing.. she wants answers but to go to counselling might give her that rude awakening that she's trying to avoid. (Everyone seems to think he only went back to her out of convenience and he doesn't love her) She claims he was going through a depression, at the time but everyone else could see he wasn't. She tries to make him pay for the affair by egging him on and controlling him. They're all technically family by marriage but she refuses to let him near the sister in law or her brother. If that were me I would make them face each other and get the truth out of them.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 They do, but they have 2 kids and she's made it clear to him that if he leaves a 3rd time she'll make his life hell.
Seraphim Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 They do, but they have 2 kids and she's made it clear to him that if he leaves a 3rd time she'll make his life hell. Then she needs psychiatric help . Making your spouse pay is not a good example for your children . And terrorizing your spouse within a marriage is not a good example for your children . I realize his act was not good either and not a good example. But really in her efforts to destroy her husband she will destroy her children .
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 But isn't she going through equally bad circumstances, as well? Does she recognize the damage she's doing to herself and the children, in addition to the damage she feels has been / is being done to her by her husband?
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Follow up question: what is her brother's reaction to this, do you know? Would he be of some support or help to her (given her reluctance to allow a professional to help her)?
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 I don't think she realizes or wants to see things for how they are. Her personality seems different she tries to throw herself at other guys to try and make her husband jealous. I know him as well, Her brother and his wife seem to be more stable than them, from what I know they are trying to work on things that they were lacking before the affair.
journeynow Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 They do, but they have 2 kids and she's made it clear to him that if he leaves a 3rd time she'll make his life hell. Sounds like she already is, for him and for herself and their kids, with her bitterness and vengefulness. She needs to stop, for everyone's well-being. If she needs help putting it behind her, she should seek counseling. If she can't put it behind her, and he's stopped the affair, returned to the marriage and is making an effort to fix his part in the problems, then she needs to accept her decision and responsibility in ending it as maturely as possible. No vengeance.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 I think a big problem she has in regards to moving on is her husband won't talk about it, she has been trying to get him to open up about it but he refuses to do so. She has no answers from him about it.
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 My answer to your thread question is that I can't imagine why he would feel willing to divulge anything else to her. Right or wrong, if she's flatly threatening to make his life a domestic war zone, perhaps he doesn't want to give her more ammunition. Has she expressed what her long-term goal or expectation is, with this? I can't imagine how anyone in that family is functioning at this point. This has been going on for years, yes? By all means, don't address this if you don't care to - but I'm curious what your take is as someone who sees a great deal of it and from the inside. Only if you feel comfortable commenting.
journeynow Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I think a big problem she has in regards to moving on is her husband won't talk about it, she has been trying to get him to open up about it but he refuses to do so. She has no answers from him about it. What answers can he give that she would accept and not use against him?
Seraphim Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 What answers can he give that she would accept and not use against him? Absolutely she sounds like she would use all of it against him and he knows it.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 My answer to your thread question is that I can't imagine why he would feel willing to divulge anything else to her. Right or wrong, if she's flatly threatening to make his life a domestic war zone, perhaps he doesn't want to give her more ammunition. Has she expressed what her long-term goal or expectation is, with this? I can't imagine how anyone in that family is functioning at this point. This has been going on for years, yes? By all means, don't address this if you don't care to - but I'm curious what your take is as someone who sees a great deal of it and from the inside. Only if you feel comfortable commenting. I agree, she doesn't need anymore ammunition against him, but it makes it worse that he keeps quiet, her suspicion just grows. Her long term goal is to stay with him, they have kids and they belong together. I personally don't think they should be together, i think if he loved her the way he loved the sister in law he would've stayed with her and not try to chase the sister in law. Everyone could see he loved her, apparently it was to the point where he wanted to marry her
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 And one thing she makes sure the husband and sister in law knows is they will never see each other again
Seraphim Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Kids are NOT happy in a marriage of misery and they KNOW.
Victoriaaccord Posted February 27, 2017 Author Posted February 27, 2017 Absolutely she sounds like she would use all of it against him and he knows it. That's true I guess either way he's screwed, so he's going to come up with excuses
Seraphim Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 Well he is not screwed. He could get a lawyer , secure time and or custody with his kids.
Dahl Posted February 27, 2017 Posted February 27, 2017 I wish I had something else useful to contribute. Without professional intervention, I fear this woman will continue to be miserable and that this marriage and family will continue to suffer and decline in short order. I'm just at a loss as to what to suggest to her in terms of her wanting some kind of resolution on this matter with her husband. As things seem to stand now, I can't imagine he's going to be inclined to discuss this at all with her, far less open up about it. As to why, I agree strongly with the others. Even from her perspective, alone, I don't believe that he can say anything that will truly elucidate her and absolutely I think he will be hard pressed to supply much she'll have reason or the ability, at that, to believe and accept. Is her brother still permitted to interact with her? Might he be a resource for her, having gone through this from his angle, perhaps?
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