Hi, so confused at the moment and I have no idea what to do

[NorthernBrit]

Hi, new to the forum, basically me and my wife have been together for about 13 years now. We have 2 wonderful kids together, we've been married since 2008, together since late 2003 and I love her to bits... but! she's really negative, she just can't say a nice thing about anyone, even my family, always saying really negative stuff like "I don't care if they die." "I really don't care about them." stuff like that, I've tried sitting her down and telling her how I feel about the negativity and she always says "Yea, I'll change, i'm sorry" but she never does, still negative... starting to get to the point now where I really don't want to be with her and it's really messing with my head given how long we've been together and the fact we have 2 kids together, the only reason I havent left yet is because I'm worried she'll apply that negativity to my relationship with our kids if I did walk out.

[gebaird]

the only reason I havent left yet is because I'm worried she'll apply that negativity to my relationship with our kids if I did walk out

 

This is a valid fear, but does it justify staying in a marriage that isn't working for you?

 

Does your wife suffer from depression? Does she have narcissistic tendencies? Is she willing to go to counseling (with you or by herself)?

[Matt3939]

I agree with bird above. Does she have depression? My longest relationship 8 years was something like you describe. Everyday same story. If you listen to it long enough you just get numb then you wake up and try to fight it. It might never change unless she want's it too. Good luck

[NorthernBrit]

She does have depression (she is on medication for it), apart from the negativity towards other people (she never says it to peoples faces, just behind closed doors.. its not nice to hear though), apart from the negativity she's great, she really is.. salt of the earth, absolutely wonderful woman but that negativity is really building up and making me dislike her, that alone makes me sad because I'm disliking the mother of my children and someone whom i've been with for over a decade.

 

I'm just totally at a loss, part of me just wants to get my coat and walk out of the door, another part of me wants to stay and make sure the kids are ok and she doesn't get worse with her depression.

[catfeeder]

Have you tried marriage counselling?

 

People have no problem hiring a professional for things like plumbing and taxes, but what could be more practical than your quality of life?

 

Ask wife to hire the therapist so she won't feel ganged up on, and stress to her that it's crucial to saving your marriage.

 

Meanwhile, whenever wife makes a negative comment, ask her what she hoped to accomplish by saying such a thing, and ask her what kind of environment it's creating in your household for yourselves and the kids. When she's put on the spot to account for her behavior, you'll be shifting her emotional driver to rational thought, and you'll press her to question the impacts of her words.