Why can't I get over her?

[EndlessNemesis]

I am 31 years old and in the past 10 years I have only had one relationship which lasted 4 years and then a fling which was on and off for about 2 years.

 

In November I started seeing someone new after 3 years of being single (someone I vaguely knew from many years ago). She contacted me on Facebook and we started seeing each other, two weeks later she told me that she had "fallen in love" with me and wanted to be my girlfriend, I agreed and she promptly announced our new relationship on Facebook.

 

Things seemed to be going well for the first 6 weeks or so, we saw each other regularly, talked on the phone every day and although I felt happy to be with this girl something just didn't quite feel right. Sure enough, just after Christmas she started acting cold and distant - she said it wasn't anything I had done wrong but she had realised she wasn't over her ex from 5 months ago... She said that she did really love me and wanted to be with me but she was "confused", I agreed to give her some space to work out what she wanted to do.

 

After a little while she said that she really wanted to try and make things work with me because we had something "really special"... However despite saying this, she continued to act cold and distant when we met up a few times and in the end I told her that we should just call it a day because clearly her heart wasn't in it. She agreed and said that she wasn't over her ex and didn't have "the time or energy for a relationship at the moment". She said it wasn't my fault and that I am "a wonderful person" and "sorry I have put you through this".

 

And that was it... I simply said "Goodbye" and haven't spoken a word to her since - that was over a month ago, I deleted her from my Facebook and she hasn't tried to contact me in any way. I am however aware that she has been spending a lot of time with a male friend of hers who coincidentally became single shortly before we broke up. I don't know for sure that anything is going on between them but I have a strong feeling this may be why she lost interest in me.

 

Anyway, my problem is that despite going no contact, deleting her from Facebook etc... I just can't stop thinking about her, missing her and feeling depressed. I think about what I could have done wrong for her to lose interest or why she may have chosen this other guy over me. It seems so weird that even though we were only together for less than 3 months I am still so hung up on it after a month of no contact. The more I think about it, the more I realise that our relationship wasn't really right for me and I think I was just so excited to be with someone new after being single for so many years that I was wearing rose-tinted glasses. Either way I still can't seem to get over it, I think the problem is that I really haven't had much dating/relationship experience in the past 6 years and I had gotten used to being on my own - then for just a couple of months I had a brief taste of what its like to be in relationship with someone again. Now I have lost it already and going back to being content as a single person seems impossible!

 

I really don't know how to move forward with my life, I feel like I can't just go back to being single again for the next few years - but I never seem to find anyone I would like to date. I feel like a had a chance with this girl and I somehow blew it. Even though the relationship only lasted a short while it has turned my whole life upside down and left me really depressed and anxious about being alone forever...

[BeenThereB4]

Was this an online relationship? Did you ever meet her in person?

[Wiseman2]

Wow sorry to hear this. Stay a safe distance because hot/cold, on/off is classic rebound. You didn't blow it, she did. Remember that when you are ready to date again. Try dating apps rather than random chance contact on fb..

[EndlessNemesis]

No it wasn't an online relationship, we saw each other in person at least 2-3 times a week

[Hollyj]

She is probably using this other guy as a cushion, as she did you. She doesn't like to be alone, but doesn't consider how hurtful it is to others, while she tries to get over her ex. Selfish.

 

Big red flag in love in two weeks. This is not normal. When someone fast forwards a relationship, there is a problem. How can she love someone she doesn't know.

 

If you choose to have a negative attitude about finding someone else, then that is on you. You can choose to wallow, or get out and date and find someone you are compatible with.

[Cathy7]

Hello. I fully sympathise with you. Currently I'm going for something very similar. A guy whom I dated with just for few months broke up with me because he estimated that we had a dbig age difference and distance and that I deserve better. I loved him so much, I know he doesn't love me anymore. I'm also feeling like you, like trapped in my life, don't know where to start from. What I started doing was reading about trying to go on with life by bringing about the "good energy". It's the first time I'm reading about it. I'm reading about the fact that we are energetic beings and that when we create good energy around ourselves, wonderful and unexpected things may happen because this energy may return to us. This is really really difficult, I know. But I also know that perhaps advice like "go see friends" or " go trave", won't help you. Perhaps trying to bring about good energy and make good thoughts, go out of dark thoughts by ALL means, is the only way we can work back into something good, something that will lead us on to a more conclusive ending. I truly wish you all the best from my heart.

[LonelyPast]

I think the problem is that I really haven't had much dating/relationship experience in the past 6 years and I had gotten used to being on my own - then for just a couple of months I had a brief taste of what its like to be in relationship with someone again. Now I have lost it already and going back to being content as a single person seems impossible!

 

I think your intuition is right here. It's not really about her. She's serving as a proxy for your feelings about being in a relationship with anybody. Just as you might have wanted things to work out with her you'll want things to work out with the next woman. Likewise, just as she decided not to focus on you and allow the relationship to fully bloom there's a lingering worry that any woman might shut you out the same way. You seem to have handled this gracefully and you know that the only person you can control is yourself. You're hurt. You're turning inwards because you don't want to be hurt like this again. You want to change something. You want to take away some tangible aspect of yourself from this experience which you know you can work on to improve your odds further down the line. Until you've got that you're going to continue being hung up on this because it's an unsolved problem.

 

Alas, it's not always so straightforward. Sometimes a thorough soul-search really isn't going to turn up anything that you can precisely fix. You're going to be left with a lingering doubt and unanswered questions that will just continue to haunt you until you've had enough positive experiences that they hold no more power. That might take a while. Distraction and re-direction are the next best things. Stay strong!

 

If you choose to have a negative attitude about finding someone else, then that is on you. You can choose to wallow, or get out and date and find someone you are compatible with.

While this may be true your advice comes off as an accusation. You're also completely dismissing how difficult it is for some people to just "get out and date and find someone you are compatible with". This guy's been single for years and I doubt that's completely voluntary. You've got to respect that we don't all have the same volume of opportunity and that there's inevitably going to be more emotional investment, introspection, and frustration involved when the next one of these "relationships" might be years over the horizon. That being said, I agree, he should continue to date. That's really all he can do.

 

create good energy

I like this approach! When you're all alone and dejected I agree that it's really difficult to pull positivism out of the ether, put on a smile, and walk out the front door though. Obligations seem to make it easier. I'm finding a lot of outlet for this in volunteering and outdoor leadership. I may still collapse into an exhausted heap of depression when I get home, but at least I brought goodness out into the world and felt more of a positive involvement that way. Are you doing some sort of applied practice in mediation or anything else? Whatever keeps our minds off of our ex's yeah?

[Hollyj]

I think your intuition is right here. It's not really about her. She's serving as a proxy for your feelings about being in a relationship with anybody. Just as you might have wanted things to work out with her you'll want things to work out with the next woman. Likewise, just as she decided not to focus on you and allow the relationship to fully bloom there's a lingering worry that any woman might shut you out the same way. You seem to have handled this gracefully and you know that the only person you can control is yourself. You're hurt. You're turning inwards because you don't want to be hurt like this again. You want to change something. You want to take away some tangible aspect of yourself from this experience which you know you can work on to improve your odds further down the line. Until you've got that you're going to continue being hung up on this because it's an unsolved problem.

 

Alas, it's not always so straightforward. Sometimes a thorough soul-search really isn't going to turn up anything that you can precisely fix. You're going to be left with a lingering doubt and unanswered questions that will just continue to haunt you until you've had enough positive experiences that they hold no more power. That might take a while. Distraction and re-direction are the next best things. Stay strong!

 

While this may be true your advice comes off as an accusation. You're also completely dismissing how difficult it is for some people to just "get out and date and find someone you are compatible with". This guy's been single for years and I doubt that's completely voluntary. You've got to respect that we don't all have the same volume of opportunity and that there's inevitably going to be more emotional investment, introspection, and frustration involved when the next one of these "relationships" might be years over the horizon. That being said, I agree, he should continue to date. That's really all he can do.

 

I like this approach! When you're all alone and dejected I agree that it's really difficult to pull positivism out of the ether, put on a smile, and walk out the front door though. Obligations seem to make it easier. I'm finding a lot of outlet for this in volunteering and outdoor leadership. I may still collapse into an exhausted heap of depression when I get home, but at least I brought goodness out into the world and felt more of a positive involvement that way. Are you doing some sort of applied practice in mediation or anything else? Whatever keeps our minds off of our ex's yeah?

 

"Even though the relationship only lasted a short while it has turned my whole life upside down and left me really depressed and anxious about being alone forever..."

This is extreme and dramatic. It is not a healthy way to approach the future. They were only together a couple of months.

[LonelyPast]

"Even though the relationship only lasted a short while it has turned my whole life upside down and left me really depressed and anxious about being alone forever..."

This is extreme and dramatic. It is not a healthy way to approach the future. They were only together a couple of months.

 

You can't just pave over peoples' feelings and experiences by telling them that they're overreacting. Maybe from your perspective they are. That's fine, but they're not coming from your perspective. The OP himself has stated (in the sentence which you quoted) that this has turned his whole life upside down. He knows that it shouldn't, you know that it shouldn't, and I know that it shouldn't. This is definitely not about the 2-month relationship itself. There's something deeper going on here, and I don't think it's unhealthy to look at that and try to figure it out. Whether it's an irrational fear of snakes or deep existential angst you have to understand a condition before you can address it.

 

If you think there's something specific about the way in which I suggested he handle the situation (and indeed, the way in which I'm handling my own situation) that seems wrong to you then let's talk about it.

[Hollyj]

I suggest that he gets counseling. If he fears at 31 that he will not find another, then it is concerning. He has been involved in relationships, for most of the past 10 years, and to think that there is no future and he will be alone, is not healthy.

[Cathy7]

I understand your fears. I think they are understandable at this stage, just after break up. It is because you've been building some safe perspective and some picture of the perspective/future, and now it seems no longer valid. So you feelings of security are over for the moment. Also, it's like standing at the crossroads. I'm sure everybody experienced that. Also, even if the relationship didn't last that long - I also understand you. My relationship lasted only few months but still, I built an emotional connection with this person and this connection sometimes it's very meaningful and hurtful, when broken. Everything will be better one day, there is no doubt about it. The healing process comes different for different people, it depends on personality and attitudes, but there is nothing wrong if you are in the stage of the mourning. I am seven months after break up and I feel like mourning this person still, because I felt very concerned and very connected, like with nobody before. This also shakes my security, I think it's natural. But truly, even though I know it's hard, I guess you need to try bringing back the positive energy. Even if you don't feel like stepping back into your daily life, with all the people and friends in it, and if you still feel a way withdrawn, why not to seek for this energy in nature? Whatever happens, at least you need to absolutely know that you are not alone in it. I truly hope it makes you feel at least a little bit better.

[Cathy7]

Also, perhaps its not fearing about not finding another person. It's fearing about losing somebody who was that special to us, and became a part of us. I understand it. This feeling, very often, is also illusory, but we cling to it and become hopeless. I think you shouldn't be ashamed about your feelings. It's very good and natural to let them out and I hope that sharing them helps.