Help, i've hurt and i am hurting

[NAofcourse]

Basically, long story short. Me and my Ex girlfriend on nearly 2 years broke up just over a month ago (my first relationship)

 

We have been talking ever since but it's been extremely hard. It was a mutual break up because of silly arguments for a couple of months but we decided it was best for now as it wasn't right. We have argued a lot before, we have always got through it. This story I am about to tell you, has happened before we officially got together, we have both done it. Both kissed others but we weren't together. Also we argued before the relationship but we always have pulled through it and come out on top, we have always worked together, there is something truly special between us. Anyway

 

During the last month, she has told me she wants to be on her own and shes not doing it to see other guys. Just wants to focuse on career blah blah. I've been paranoid ever since that she could find someone new as I know there are guys after her. Shes very hard to judge, she shuts her emotions out and doesn't tell me anything but has said she loves me twice now. Overall, shes very hard to judge and I have felt unsure about how she really feels, she said she doesn't want to get back together but I know shes not telling me everything. We have texted, I still took her out for her birthday to see fifth shades ha 10 days later after the break up, I have seen her once for 10 minutes since then.

 

Here is where the problem is, ive been so paranoid about someone new and she said she would never do that to me and get with other guys. Last night, I noticed she started leaving all our group chats and hadn't spoke to me properly in a couple of days so I generally thought we were completely over and nothing was going to happen again. At the point, I went out, got drunk and kissed a girl. 2am I had noticed she had been out too, I phoned her and told her what happened. She hung up. I felt so bad considering I have been paranoid myself and then I went and did it, I lost all control last night and felt so so alone which resulted in this. The last month, I have felt so ill, upset and have locked myself away a lot from everyone. I am still raw from the break up, I miss her so much. She put a status up something along the lines "Didn't realise the people who mean the world to you can hurt you so much". - This is one reason showing that I thought she hasn't been telling me all of how shes feeling.

 

What do I do, ive sent her a 750 word text because she wont meet me saying how much I love and care about her and explaining the last month but she wont reply. This girl means the world to me but I feel so guilty even though she said we had finished but then I feel i've wrecked all chances of ever getting back with her as I have felt there was always something that shes not telling me about how she feels, we still have photos on facebook together and everything.

 

She means the world to me, we seriously had something so so special. I have no idea where to take it from now. Literally everything apart from the arguments was so perfect before, we had a connection that no one will be able to understand.

 

P.s we live down the same road, I am due to move tho in a months time. we are 20. We have been around each other since primary school but only started speaking in college. Since the break up, I have tried everything I can to win her back, flowers, out for birthday, asking if she wants to do something, always said I can do lifts etc, anything i can do without getting the way of her and trying to give her space but also helping her.

 

Have I done a really bad thing? I feel ashamed in myself, I feel like I screwed it for the future. I have never cheated on her and would never dream off, I hope there's a chance she would understand, she said "I don't have a free pass to get with people now" but she says we are done. I'm so confused what she wants, I know for a fact I want her back in my life.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Please don't get strung along. You broke up and she's not joining a convent.

 

Stop being in the friendzone, go no contact and delete and block her so you can reflect, get clarity and heal and move forward.

she said she would never do that to me and get with other guys.

[NAofcourse]

Yer, it seems like I have been strung along a bit. My friends have said this, it's just so hard because I know she doesn't actually say how shes feeling, I feel like she still does love me, i've left the long message with something along the lines "I hope you reply, if you don't I wish you the best". Do you think I should do the no contact and then message her in a couple of weeks time?