I screwed up, and now he's gone.

[Alaska4795]

Hi all! this is a long story but I really need help

 

Okay so I am 22 and my now ex, is 25. I suffer from relationship anxiety, my first boyfriend ever of 3 years turned out to be gay, my other one cheated and now I've been with his guy who is loyal and nice for about a year and a half. However I caught him talking to his ex behind my back 7 months ago and my anxiety came back. In the past several months we would have little fights some big, some his fault and some mine. We went to costa rica for vacation this past winter and he got really drunk and upset with me because I didn't feel like drinking with his friends - that he met there and we were with his mom for the first half of the trip so I wanted alone time with him. I left the hangout and went back to our room when he came back an hour later drunk and said some horrible things like oh I date asian girls because they shutup and you dont know even know how to have fun. He said that we were over so I was like fine whatever and went out by myself. I came back really late because i met some cool people and he was drunk again when I got back. Things got heated because he thought I was out with some guy I met or something and he ended up hitting me twice. My boyfriend has never been violent but my face was bruised badly.

 

I stupidly forgave him because he all at once knew he screwed up and cried and tried to hold me the rest of the night apologizing and trying to find ice or something. I was very upset and broke up with him.. I took him back the next day because I know hes not like this as a person. He was never violent or showed any of this in the 2 years I met him and his family is sweet and always says good things about him. Fast forward to 2 months after the trip.. my anxiety is as high as ever and I am not over the fact he hit me. Two nights ago we were on a double date with my friends and I got stupidly drunk and was a huge beotch to him, pushing him away when he tried to kiss me or saying really mean things. I don't remember. But I ended up walking away from the bar because drunk me was letting out a lot of bottled up emotions. Drunk me did some stupid things like running off and screaming and accusing and made a big scene. It ended up with him saying "You blew it. Youre a child. Have a nice future". and he left with a friend (after stealing my keys saying I was his responsibilty and stranding me in the city with my friends and them having to call him to get them back)

 

In the morning I felt horrible and didn't remember too much. He didn't do anything that night that made me act that way, he was sweet, I was just consumed by my bottled up emotions. I left his favorite cookies, pickles and iced tea at his door with a picture of us. He hasn't contacted me since. I want him back and it's been 2 days since its happened. What should I do? He made bad mistakes and stuff but he's very thoughtful and takes time and patience to make me happy and he is faithful. I can't help but feel like I f-ed up. please please help. or just tell me im an idiot for even wanting him back. my friend's are giving me biased advice.

[SooSad33]

Things got heated because he thought I was out with some guy I met or something and he ended up hitting me twice. My boyfriend has never been violent but my face was bruised badly.

 

I stupidly forgave him because he all at once knew he screwed up and cried and tried to hold me the rest of the night apologizing and trying to find ice or something. I was very upset and broke up with him.

- This , is where it all should have ENDED.

 

Why are YOU at fault? For what?

 

OBVIOUSLY you two are not compatible and so much worse when alcohol is involved.. Right??

 

If you've got all these bottled up emotions and they break thru when you're drinking. I highly suggest you consider some prof help-- therapy.

 

Don't feel you're a good mix.

[Alaska4795]

hi so sad 33, yeah I know he hit me and I should have left. But i stupidly stayed and forgave him and got myself in this mess. We are on two different levels of mindset.. I'm about to graduate college with honors and he is a high school drop out. He treats me so well though other than when he hit me. I can't seem to feel like i screwed things up when i flipped out. I am usually good with handling alcohol, I never did that before so I think I'm ok with not needing professional help.

[Alaska4795]

We have a lot in common when it comes to travelling and exploring and art and family. He wanted me to move in and eventually start a family. I just want to get him back. He hasnt contacted me in two days.

[Seraphim]

What you have in common never trumps being abused . EVER. Stay gone.

[Dahl]

he hit me

 

twice

 

 

he screwed up.

 

Please leave him.

[Alaska4795]

I really don't believe he is like this, a violent or abusive guy. He can be manipulative sometimes but we all are. I just want to get him back.

[HeartGoesOn]

We have a lot in common when it comes to travelling and exploring and art and family. He wanted me to move in and eventually start a family. I just want to get him back. He hasnt contacted me in two days.

 

If a man hits you once, he'll hit you again. Never feel like you're the exception...you're not.

 

Hold your head high and walk away, before it's too late...

[Seraphim]

I really don't believe he is like this, a violent or abusive guy. He can be manipulative sometimes but we all are. I just want to get him back.

 

You are fooling yourself. He ABUSED you . Full stop. That does not go away .

[Dahl]

I really don't believe he is like this, a violent or abusive guy. He can be manipulative sometimes but we all are. I just want to get him back.

 

You didn't believe he was like this before. He still hit you. Twice.

 

You choosing not to believe he is like this won't stop him the next time, either.

 

Please choose to believe that you deserve better.

 

At least that one we know for a fact, right?

[Wiseman2]

Run. He's abusive. You need an education in abusive relationships. Start reading books and google the topic online. You also need personal therapy to address your past and your reasons for staying in these situations.

 

Stay out of relationships until you have had therapy. Go no contact and block and delete this jerk right now. Tell your parents what is going on.

he came back an hour later drunk and said some horrible things like oh I date asian girls because they shutup and you dont know even know how to have fun. he ended up hitting me twice. My face was bruised badly. stealing my keys saying I was his responsibilty and stranding me in the city with my friends and them having to call him to get them back

[Alaska4795]

Thank you.. I suppose you are right. I just feel like im the one who screwed up because hes making it that way. How do I move on.. ugh I feel so torn and helpless

[Dahl]

You're not helpless. You're even now actively looking for input and advice. You are not at his mercy nor beck nor call. So what if he says, suggests, claims any particular thing. He is also the person who *struck his partner* *twice* - we're by and large introduced to the fallacy of this tactic in lieu of communication by the same age we're mostly convinced that we can trade in our diapers. This is not the person who ought to be handing out behavioral judgments, is it? When he learns that 'hands aren't for hitting' he can weigh in on the more lofty interpersonal standards, I think.

 

Chuck this guy and his opinions. Don't let either one latch onto you and drag you lower.

[angrythoughts]

Girl he hit you... why would you want to be with him and why would you allow him to place blame for the break up on you? I'm so confused.

[MissCanuck]

He is like this. He is abusive.

 

Men who are not abusive never lay a hand on their partner in anger. Never.

 

You didn't destroy this relationship - he did. The fact that you feel this is your fault tells me you two were in a much more abusive dynamic than you realize yet. I have been there too. It wasn't until I left for good that I saw how bad things really were. It only takes one incident of domestic violence to forever alter the fabric of a relationship and damage your self-worth.

 

Please, do some more research on the cycle of abuse. You're further into it than you know. And you will be worlds happier when you're out of it, for good. He's bad news.

[Alaska4795]

You're right.. the more I'm away the more I realize what was wrong.. I was upset because three weeks ago he said that the fact he hit me was partly my fault for getting us to that level.. which was absurd to me and I would yell at him for thinking that than he would say my voice and raising it is what's wrong with us. Ugh it was so manipulative.. He also has said a million times that he's the best guy I'll ever get. I mean yes.. he's thoughtful at times and faithful but still. I just can't understand why he can't take any responsibility. He's said he's so wrong for hitting me but then when we get down to it it's also my fault apparently.

[MissCanuck]

After reading your latest post, there is no doubt in my mind he would hit you again.

 

He is a jerk, full-stop.

 

Delete him from everything and start your healing.

[Dahl]

You're right.. the more I'm away the more I realize what was wrong.. I was upset because three weeks ago he said that the fact he hit me was partly my fault for getting us to that level.. which was absurd to me and I would yell at him for thinking that than he would say my voice and raising it is what's wrong with us. Ugh it was so manipulative.. He also has said a million times that he's the best guy I'll ever get. I mean yes.. he's thoughtful at times and faithful but still. I just can't understand why he can't take any responsibility. He's said he's so wrong for hitting me but then when we get down to it it's also my fault apparently.

 

Atta girl. You got this. It's not fair or pleasant, by any means, but you're nobody's fool. I had a good feeling about you.

 

Keep that chin up, keep peering steadily through whatever smokescreen he sends your way. You're strong. You deserve better.

[Alaska4795]

Thank you. I've had a bad pit in my stomach for a while and that's why I lashed out drunkenly. All that love in vain is what really hurts I suppose and i pick crappy men. It's easier to want something familiar back then to admit you were wrong. Thank you guys. Still hurt and feel like but a slow process is still a process forward. ❤️

[Dahl]

You are very welcome to the forum, mate. Go through some of the other topics, if you feel up to it - you are NOT alone.

 

Of course you are hurting. I would worry if you weren't. You need to leave this chap, unconditionally, and you understand that. We understand that what you do now to safeguard your present and your future doesn't mean that you are going to or even should quash any feeling and thoughts about the past. How could you? You two have a history. You had a relationship. You enjoyed many things about it and appreciated many things about him. You're going to miss the good, you need to grieve, to heal and process, just as anyone recovering from a breakup does. We just don't want you to even remotely chance your health and safety now and from now on. That doesn't mean we don't feel for you.

 

I hope you will find comfort and wisdom to help you, here - anywhere, everywhere - and I hope that you will keep us updated when you are able, on how you are doing.

 

No one condemns you, mate. We genuinely want to see you succeed and we're rooting for you. You may not be doing an easy thing, but by recognizing that you are worth far much more than this and moving on accordingly, you are unequivocally doing the best thing.

[Alaska4795]

Thank you ❤. However I just woke up and i know I shouldn't but I miss him.. I miss him so much. But then I realize he left me drunk and abanadoned me the last time I saw him. I'm so confused..

 

I'm so hurt still. All this love in vain and in the end I'm the one who looks like an . He liked this picture on Instagram of like a man sleeping in the clouds and caption was like "how I sleep when nobody belongs to me and people's actions are only a image of their own personal issues" and he comments "precisely how I feel" like cool okay.. why am I the bad guy? My heart hurts.

[MissCanuck]

You need to delete him off social media, so that you are not exposed to triggers like this.

 

You are the bad guy because he can't handle taking responsibility for his abusive behaviour; thus, he pins the whole demise of the relationship on you. It helps him sleep better up there on those clouds of his.

 

You will experience this emotional roller coaster for a while, but ride it out. It will be worth it in the end, to have this poor excuse for a man out of your life. It will also give you space for a real man to enter your life, one who wouldn't dare put his hands on you. Your ex is a violent little weasel.

[Alaska4795]

Hi guys

 

I'm doing a little better but still miss him so so so much. I know I shouldn't but I just wanna see how he is. I can't believe he hasn't even reached out. I blocked him on social media though which was a nice feeling. How do I get over someone who I know isn't good for me? The good parts were so good.. hard to get over someone who was so thoughtful and generous sometimes.

[Alaska4795]

AHHH he texted me right now saying "hey do you have time to talk this evening?" What do I do! UGH

[Seraphim]

Block his number and NEVER. GO.BACK. It will never be better.