Organising thoughts

[ButterflyWrists]

Hey all. I hope everyone is well.

 

First of, sorry for any grammatical errors, I'm using my phone as can't remember password to post from laptop lol..

 

I'm not sure where to start either. This will cover my anxiety, relationship (No conflicts), intimacy, money stress, family and work. Not in that order I will likely be jumping about the place, so I apologise in advance. Oh and health. I can start there lol.

 

health

So, those who know me, know I had an operation last November, went well, healing well, now that I've stopped picking at it anyway lol, it itched like crazy for ages, but as soon as I knew what it was I was able to let it go a bit.

Due to being stressed and anxious at present, my face has broken out, in cold sores (I think D lowering my self confidence, boyfriend doesn't care and says I'm still attractive. But I'm getting stressed it'll just get worse..

 

work

Again, those who know me, know I got the job I applied for, that starts next month. After being out of work so long (5months) I'm anxious about how I'll get into routine, I sleep way more hours in the day than I'm awake, well when I'm at home (see boyfriend/family) and worried about how I'll get into the new routine, tips might be helpful here, I'll be doing 12hr shifts. I'll be around people a lot (I've been pretty isolated, in part because I couldn't hear for ages, and then because I lost a bit of confidence in being around people).

 

family

Ugh, this section. I have no idea where to start. I'm fairly sure my brother is bipolar (I have a psychology degree, no I know I'm not qualified to diagnose, however I do understand mental health disorders). And it is so stressful, my mum has quit her office job (good thing) to set up her business. My brother jumps between saying it's fantastic, to blaming her/us for him not having a love life (he's 30 and lives at home) hating his job, to loving his job. Wanting to quit, and blaming mum that he can't etc etc. I spend very little time at home, and the time I am at home, I am in my bedroom, and I tend to sleep most of the time here. I can't sit with them as they smoke and I detest it. Plus the tension. I've offered to help my brother with his mental health, stress, work training etc etc. But, tbh, if he gets agitated, I can be scared of him. Many years ago he used to beat me up, and I guess that still messes with my head off he starts raising his voice. So anyway, easier to stay in my room. I'm really anxious about stinking of stale smoke when I go to work, my bike kit stinks a lot of my clothes do too.

 

money

So, let's move on to money, the UK benefit system is a joke. Due to getting tax rebates, I'm not entitled to universal credit. So I'm living out of savings, living off my boyfriend (only been together a couple months) and my mum is struggling hugely trying to make ends meet). My mum leaves her job as u start mine, so we're going to be even worse off until I'm financially stable.

 

boyfriend

Ok, no actual issues here. No fights, no doubts. Happy, in love (yes yes I am aware it is much too soon and it is still the honey moon phase, see intimacy).

But, I am utterly terrified of screwing things up. Due to family/living situation, I spend most of my time at his, last day we didn't see eachother at all was, last Monday (so basically two weeks ago) I've spent the last 6nights at his house. He lives with housemates, and I'm aware that I may be intruding, although they all say it isn't a problem. I don't want to rush our relationship, but it seems we are kind of, not intentionally, just how it is. Like, we both have the goal of marriage, children house ownership. Want all this together. (yes spoken about even though 2months isn't very long!) I'm scared of becoming Co dependant, due to anxiety issues, which I know will improve once I'm working, but it feels so far away. I know he feels the same for me as I do him.

 

intimacy

So, I'm in therapy for ptsd, resulting from sexual violence, from a relationship and others.

After my last ex and I broke up, he destroyed me, and I never thought I'd be intimate again, with male or females. Luckily I can be. This week has been touch and go in terms of how well I can cope with it. I had some anonymous reports to fill in..and since then, I've struggled with intrusive thoughts, so unable to orgasm, as I'm not allowed to enjoy sex (illogical and incorrect) I will cover this in therapy next week). I've managed it a few times with my boyfriend this week, and I've enjoyed it and came a couple of times, but also nearly freaked out, thus stopped myself orgasming.

He's the first guy really, that I can orgasm with and not freak out (hence I love him, quite possible it is due to this ability!) I don't freak out as often with him, but since this week the intrusive thoughts, flashbacks etc have been worse and I'm scared I'll get too scared of sex and it will thus ruin our relationship, if I begin to associate negative sexual experiences with him. I know this I need to discuss in therapy.

 

Ok I think I covered everything. And I think I didn't jump all over the place. If anyone can advise on any of the points. Please do. Thank you, butters

[gebaird]

Congrats on the new job! It's really hard to see how things are going to work until you are actually in the routine. Don't drive yourself crazy wondering how you are going to figure it all out. Just take it a day at a time.

 

I hope your brother gets the medications he needs. If you are afraid of him, trust that instinct and stay away.

 

It sounds like your relationship is going well and you are working hard to overcome your mental health challenges. I can't think of anything that would help that you aren't already doing.