My girlfriend still has feelings for her ex

[simply]

I have a feeling that this will be one in a series of threads relating to this relationship experience.

 

A quick background: we've been dating for a year. It was only meant to be a "friends with benefits" deal as we only met online, slept together the first night, and she was coming off of a painful breakup. Now fast forward a year where we have been on trips to Europe, have had road trips around our own country, have been living together for the past three months(both for practical and emotional purposes), and have spent nearly two months learning a new language for our next big trip. We have also cut down drastically on alcohol consumption, completely cut out the ol' THC, and have taken up exercise as a weekly routine. All wonderfully progressive and productive activities for a couple to have. Yet here I am telling you that she still has feelings for an ex boyfriend who repeatedly cheated on her.

 

We made the grave mistake of getting into a relationship after her dreadful breakup, which I'm sure still has an impact on her today. She does her best not to bring it up, yet she occasionally repeats stories of their past. I've explained to her that it's bad etiquette and how I never bring up old girlfriends. We've had arguments, conversations, debates and yelling matches over this topic, and still she swears that she's not hung up, but is in fact completely over it.

 

My issue is this: I recently found out that she was looking up her ex's social media profile just recently. Typically, I would just leave her and move on. However, we live together and my financial situation isn't exactly stellar. I can make it on my own but it would be incredibly tight. I am now thinking on practical terms as opposed to emotional terms. Although, this does hurt me on an emotional level, I also have to think in terms of survival. So the dilemma is that I have to save more money and switch jobs so I can pay off my debt and pay rent on my own, but I also want this relationship to work out. I feel like I've been given a back seat to her emotional baggage.

 

I feel as though I am being used as an emotional tampon for her to get over an ex boyfriend. Although, my opinion would be biased seeing as how I am trying to justify using her to save money on living expenses. All of this started out with good intentions. I really do love her but I won't be played for a fool. I feel betrayed and almost dignified in my approach to the situation. However, I know deep down that I am likely handling this the wrong way.

 

I honestly don't know what to do. I love her, but I feel she is half in this and half somewhere else. Trying to talk things over hasn't worked. It only leads to arguments. So I have to take actions based on my own accord. I'm not sure what I'm asking for. Any insight would be appreciated.

[Dahl]

You would serve both of you best to break up and strike out on your own.

 

You don't seem to be fully cognizant of how angry, bitter a/o resentful you are. You're unapologetically stating that you are 'trying to justify using her to save money on living expenses' (and I imagine to continue a lifestyle that currently includes vacations around the globe). In the same breath that you claim to love this woman, you finish your thought by declaring 'I won't be played for a fool.' Further, your remark about your approach being a dignified one is bewildering. Are you referring to your using a woman to cut down on living expenses? How do you feel this dignifies you? Please elaborate.

 

Irrespective of what she has done / is doing with her ex, you are clearly unhappy about your situation. For both of your sake, I hope you will value healthy and honest over economical.

[annie24]

Normally I'd say that just "looking up" an ex on Facebook doesn't mean they're not over them. Could just be curiousity. Then again, if you've had this fight over and over again, it sounds like your gut instinct is that she's not over him and you're tired of it. I understand because I've definitely been in your shoes - it's not fun when a bf is talking about his ex often, even if they insist they are over it, sometimes your gut/heart just doesn't buy it.

 

If you want to break up, you should do so, and do what it takes to move out (or have her move out). You might need to return the tickets for your flight (probably should) to get that money back.

[Twinflamer]

I have to agree with you Dahl. Good observation and wisdom solid advice. Rather refreshing to read. Cheers.

[SooSad33]

Sadly, this is what happens when you get involved with someone too quickly after a BU...

Shoulda kept it as a fwb thing.. the most. Not advanced.

 

She is still trying to process her past.. the damages, etc. BUT shifting onto something new- you, never gave her the time or space to do so... so she's been slowly working on this.. with you around now.

 

This will most likely be a learning experience for you.

 

If you feel she needs her own time to work this all out. then be honest about it.

 

Relationships take time and effort, from both sides.

 

Don't think she was mentally or emotionally ready to move on again, into anything serious.

[Krankor]

You know, I'm actually not convinced you two are doomed as a couple. You may be, but let's make sure we know what we are dealing with here.

 

There's thinking back from time to time and wondering what an old ex is up to, maybe checking on social media just out of boredom and curiosity. This means nothing, but I think we can agree that there is a bit more going on here.

 

Then there is still carrying a torch for an ex, wishing things had worked out, missing him or her and wanting them back and being willing to dump any placeholder who may be in the picture in a heartbeat for the chance to get back to the ex. Maybe this is what's happening here, but maybe not...

 

...because there is a third option that is somewhere in between, and what if I had to guess is actually happening here. This option is not being completely "over" an ex but not still being in love or wanting them back, just having some feelings of anger, sadness, frustration etc that haven't been fully processed.

 

What started out as a FWB rebound situation sounds like it blossomed into a pretty good relationship, her still being hung up on her ex notwithstanding. This may well mean that there is something pretty strong between you. If she's willing a therapist or counselor may be able to help her process out those feelings so that they don't have to keep serving as a distraction to what may be an otherwise healthy relationship.

 

Her looking him up may not be as big a deal as you think.

[SherrySher]

I think you should be making plans to find your own place. I don't agree that a partner who keeps looking backwards can change or that it's fixable.

The reason why it happens is because not enough time was given for them to be over the relationship. Now you've gone ahead and tried to have something more than fwb and she is still hung up on the past. Not only does this tarnish your relationship but you're right, it is a type of betrayal and just does not bode well for things working out.

 

I agree as well that this will be a learning experience for you and to not get involved with someone who is just out of a relationship. You can't force her to only look your way and force her to only care about you..that ship has sailed. She is constantly staring into the rear view mirror and can't stop wondering about the ex, you need to stop allowing yourself to be hurt and move on. You have given it more than a few chances and had a few fights over it, she's not getting the message and is not changing her ways or feelings for him anytime soon.

[Wiseman2]

Yep, just stop talking about it. Talk about your living situation, a better budget and getting more income into the situation. Anything that in regard to the both of you improving your situation.

 

Stop the mindless jealous arguments. If she brings him up, just say 'lets talk about us in the here and now, not the past', then change the subject.

She does her best not to bring it up, yet she occasionally repeats stories of their past. I've explained to her that it's bad etiquette

[Sportster2005]

Sorry I didn't read past "my girlfriend still has feelings for her ex". Nothing after that matters. You can't win. Dump her on move on.

 

This should be a very short thread. She's not emotionally available to you. Run, and run fast. This won't end well.

[ShatteredMan]

^Agree with Wiseman and Sportster.

 

To me, the minute that a woman expresses either regret for leaving an ex or developing feelings for another man -- I'm gone.

 

At least you're seeing the signs now and you can prepare for your exit strategy and/or the healing from this, if needed.