Not sure what to think or do

[ready4love]

Hello!

This is my first time posting here and I found this site after going through a break up that has me struggling. In late 2016 I reconnected with an ex from 13 years ago via an online dating app. In the 13 years we were apart we did not talk or interact with each other. I dated other people, never got married and had no kids. He has been married twice and has 3 kids - aged 2, 4 and 10. His most recent divorce was finalized 3 weeks before we reconnected. He is 35 and I am 37. He is now living with his dad since his most recent ex wife got the house and kids full custody. We dated for a couple of months and it was really good - we got along and had fun. He is in the national guard and between working/living 1 hour from my house, seeing his kids, and having drill he would drive the hour to see me and have date nights 3-4 times a week. Additionally, he was recently laid off from his job and his first wife has served him with court papers to adjust child support payments.

 

The week of Valentines Day we both were talking about the need to slow down, not ruin our future due to present day challenges given his current mental state of his second recent divorce and other challenges. He had started to back away and i could feel it - which unfortunately caused me to become more clingy. Last Friday he came over and we broke up. As he broke up with me he said he just needed space and time that he does not trust his own feelings and that he can't see his own future right now. He said he would be back and that I did nothing wrong and we kissed a couple of times before he left.d He also said that we could be friends and take some steps back.

 

I did not handle this well and texted him way too much to the point where he blocked me. We have not talked at all in the last week because he has blocked me on his phone (but not on social media). I want to give him the space he needs and wants but I don't know what to do. We have a history, I care about him as a person and I hate that he had such a crazy 13 years since the first time we dated. I am not even sure I have a question here, maybe just wondering if it sounds like he is doing the right thing for our future by taking time 100% away and how long I should wait before i try to make contact on social media. I also think that there is a good chance that he will come back without me reaching out and that he really does just need time.

 

I am not waiting for him - I am going to date and live my life but it is pretty hard because I do care for him. I also feel like there are some red flags in that he has been divorced twice before the age of 36 and his most recent wife filed when their youngest was only 16 months - it just seems like it had to have been pretty bad for a woman to file for a divorce with 2 very young kids. I also think I should be grateful that maybe he is seeing his own issues and that is why he has gone radio silent because he wants to find himself and be healthy before we try again.

Thanks for any thoughts

[Nikego]

This guy doesnt sound that great.

[ready4love]

This guy doesnt sound that great.

 

I get that but can you tell me why you think that?

[Nikego]

He should be with one of his baby mamas. I mean what next? He gets you pregnant and you toss him to the curb also?

[Nikego]

If your "ready for love" why not find someone without so much baggage?

[ready4love]

I hear you. I will say I have NO plans of getting pregnant and he is done as well.

[Dahl]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Please know that I am not offering input to be unkind or sarcastic or any manner of jerk. From your post, it doesn't seem like there is anything *to* do, and no reason to believe that contacting him/pursuing him is a good idea. He ended the relationship and cut off contact with you when you initially didn't respect his actions, correct? Please let me know if I've missed something.

 

I think that you might be better served by letting this/him go. He doesn't strike me as all that great, either - nor does he seem particularly bad - he just doesn't sound like someone who is especially interesting or appealing in this context - and as such, not worth all the stress and strife he very likely brings with him. Not knocking the guy, just don't see a reason to endorse him.

 

By the way, has he had a vasectomy?

 

Good luck.

[Twinflamer]

Yeah- your plan to focus on your self; keep living your life; and continue to date sounds like a very good idea. Because- honestly, I do NOT believe his, "radio silence" is because he wants to "get healthy" or "find himself out" so you two can get back together.

 

It seemed like a "slow burn breakup" letting you down easy-In a kind way (clean breakup) so you wouldn't freak out on him or get overly emotional, etc. I really think he was just over & done with the relationship and won't be coming back. I would definitely NOT be waiting by the phone for his call; because I doubt you'll ever hear from him again.

 

But that is a great thing for you! You can find someone better and who wants to make a relationship work. Who won't be divorced three more times in the next few years with ten more child support payments.

{Seriously: you dodged a bullet with this one.}

Plenty of great single men out there. Good luck!

[ready4love]

Thank you everyone for the responses. The reason I think/thought he would be working on finding himself is because he married his second wife quickly after his first divorce was finalized and admitted he moved way too fast. I know logically I am just holding out crazy hope and I shouldn't and that I am lucky to have dodged this bullet but it doesn't mean that I don't miss him and care for him.

[ready4love]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Please know that I am not offering input to be unkind or sarcastic or any manner of jerk. From your post, it doesn't seem like there is anything *to* do, and no reason to believe that contacting him/pursuing him is a good idea. He ended the relationship and cut off contact with you when you initially didn't respect his actions, correct? Please let me know if I've missed something.

 

I think that you might be better served by letting this/him go. He doesn't strike me as all that great, either - nor does he seem particularly bad - he just doesn't sound like someone who is especially interesting or appealing in this context - and as such, not worth all the stress and strife he very likely brings with him. Not knocking the guy, just don't see a reason to endorse him.

 

By the way, has he had a vasectomy?

 

Good luck.

 

He hasn't had a vasectomy yet but he did say he wants to "get fixed". Lol

[ready4love]

Hello and welcome to the forum.

 

Please know that I am not offering input to be unkind or sarcastic or any manner of jerk. From your post, it doesn't seem like there is anything *to* do, and no reason to believe that contacting him/pursuing him is a good idea. He ended the relationship and cut off contact with you when you initially didn't respect his actions, correct? Please let me know if I've missed something.

 

I think that you might be better served by letting this/him go. He doesn't strike me as all that great, either - nor does he seem particularly bad - he just doesn't sound like someone who is especially interesting or appealing in this context - and as such, not worth all the stress and strife he very likely brings with him. Not knocking the guy, just don't see a reason to endorse him.

 

By the way, has he had a vasectomy?

 

Good luck.

 

And no, I didn't respect his actions which says a lot about me and things I need to work on bc I should be grateful that he chose to move on given all the baggage he brings to the picture. Things I didn't add include that his most recent ex who has the two youngest kids- he would ignore her calls all the time and I would tell him to answer in case it was an emergency with his kids. I also saw a text from her that said "daddy never answers the phone when (kids name) calls"

[Dahl]

He hasn't had a vasectomy yet but he did say he wants to "get fixed". Lol

 

A friend of mine is going in for his procedure this week and relentlessly refers to 'getting snipped' just to make some of his male friends cringe.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he jumps on dating sites before the ink is dry on his divorces. He is just not ready to date, no less have a relationship with his life in this much turmoil. Other red flags are blaming the ex, etc.

 

Be grateful you dodged this bullet and he ended it before things got worse.

 

At least he was honest about this does not trust his own feelings and that he can't see his own future right now"

 

Of course go no contact and block and delete him so you can move forward from this..

He has been married twice and His most recent divorce was finalized 3 weeks before we reconnected. he was recently laid off from his job and his first wife has served him with court papers to adjust child support payments. As he broke up with me he said he just needed space and time

[ready4love]

Sorry to hear this. It sounds like he jumps on dating sites before the ink is dry on his divorces. He is just not ready to date, no less have a relationship with his life in this much turmoil. Other red flags are blaming the ex, etc.

 

Be grateful you dodged this bullet and he ended it before things got worse.

 

At least he was honest about this does not trust his own feelings and that he can't see his own future right now"

 

Of course go no contact and block and delete him so you can move forward from this..

 

Thank you! I was hoping you would weigh in. I have been lurking on this site for the last week and you seem to be a "wise man" pun intended.

 

The no contact thing is hard for me. I know I have my own issues if I can't go no contact on this guy bc there are a lot of issues for him and he should be single for at least a year if not more.

 

The first time we broke up 13 years ago he had a girl pregnant a year later, married her, divorced her two years later, met his next wife while the first divorce was still being finalized, had 2 kids with her, she filed when the youngest was 16 months and reconnected with me 3 weeks after his divorce was final. That is crazy just typing it.

[Lulu3116]

It is a shame to lose a friend. Relationships are hard enough but true friends are so hard to

Find. Is it possible there was too much other things going on that it was hard to have each other

As priority? Just my opinion but people seem to get together with the perception of .( this time I'm going to do things right), I personally think that sets couples up for failure. Friendships are forgotten when you reach "couple" status. Is it possible to just start slowly to zee if the friend bond is still there?

[ready4love]

It is a shame to lose a friend. Relationships are hard enough but true friends are so hard to

Find. Is it possible there was too much other things going on that it was hard to have each other

As priority? Just my opinion but people seem to get together with the perception of .( this time I'm going to do things right), I personally think that sets couples up for failure. Friendships are forgotten when you reach "couple" status. Is it possible to just start slowly to zee if the friend bond is still there?

 

I would be completely open to being a friend to him but he has completely shut me out. I know that is not healthy in his part. We both have issues

I see a therapist, he just shuts down.

[ready4love]

Well another wrinkle was added today. I found out that his first ex wife just filed an income withholding order for child support. He must have stopped paying because they didn't have that for the last 6 years. I think I have more than enough signs to walk away and thank the Lord

[Wiseman2]

Yeah, add deadbeat dad to the list of red flags.

Well another wrinkle was added today. I found out that his first ex wife just filed an income withholding order for child support. I think I have more than enough signs to walk away and thank the Lord