So Very Confused Right Now

[Jenkins74]

So to make this brief, I've known a woman for many years; most of them spent acting as a close friend and confidant, often offering advice, a shoulder to cry on, or simply an ear when she needed someone to listen to her. We've had feelings for one another for the lion's share of that time, but we were never able to act upon those until comparatively recently. We quickly realized that we're a lot a like; we think alike, have the same interests, and even have very similar overall life goals. Frankly we even know what the other is thinking the vast majority of the time, and this often lead into consistently and reliably finishing one another's sentences. Things were going splendidly until she found out she was pregnant, and unfortunately the time table provided means that the child is definitely that of her ex. She's made the choice to return to him in spite of his manipulative and emotionally abusive nature because she feels that she should "give him a chance to prove himself" since she wants him to be there for the child. She seemed genuinely saddened and distraught when she was faced with the decision of staying with me or returning to him. The confusing part? She frequently tells me she loves me, texts me at least a few times a day, and still tries to spend time with me whenever her hectic life will permit.

 

This has unsurprisingly left me at something of a loss. Having never been in this position before, I am left with no real knowledge of how to proceed. The truth of the matter is that I am hesitant to go the no contact route because I have some inkling of an idea as to what that man is going to do to her life if she doesn't realize the monumental mistake she has made. I would love for her to opt to be with me, of course, but at this point I'm simply concerned for her well being; the pain all this has caused me is secondary. I really don't want to simply give up on what we have/had, but I have already accepted reality for what it is -- that I am probably powerless to bring about change at this juncture. All that being said, I'm not willing to fall into "back-up guy" territory. I know I deserve better than to be used like that.

 

So then, what does one do in this situation?

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Were you already intimate when she gave you this news about her pregnancy? Many people return to abusive exes/toxic relationships, there's often a trauma-bond.

 

Stop being a shoulder to cry on. It's enabling her to remain in this by blurring the picture as a source of emotional support she lacks at home.

I've known a woman for many years; most of them spent acting as a shoulder to cry on. she was pregnant and unfortunately the time table provided means that the child is definitely that of her ex. She's made the choice to return to him in spite of his manipulative and emotionally abusive nature because she feels that she should "give him a chance to prove himself"

[SooSad33]

It can be VERY challenging to swing back into 'Just friends' mode after you've been more than that.

 

If or when they do again come to an end, I doubt she'd be really 'able' to move on in a healthy manner for a long time.

She's stuck between you & him. And Damages caused by her going back, again.

So- she won't be able to give to you in a healthy manner. She'll most likely be damaged , emotionally & mentally... unless or until she deals with all of this.. her choices and then to heal from everything.. again.

 

I suggest, for your own mentality,, you pull away and work on yourself now.

Go no contact for your own well-being. To accept this is done.. heal and work at moving on with your own life.

Basically only way to do so is have no more to do with this.

 

Cut all ties. Take care of YOU.

 

You make your choices in life.. so does she.

[Jenkins74]

That is what I was afraid of. I am loathe to leave her on her own to deal with an emotionally abusive significant other, but I suppose you're right. Trying to hold onto things is just going to make things get worse for me. Truth be told, I end up falling into depression whenever she and I talk, though I do keep it well hidden from her. I suppose the reality is that continuing like things are is self-destructive on a level that could pose a legitimate danger to my physical and mental health if I forced myself to endure it for too long.

[Wiseman2]

Agree. This is a no win situation for you. She needs a qualified therapist and expert advice from domestic violence agencies.

What you can do is read up on this perplexing dynamic: