He thinks i Chose 2 guys over him, is questioning my standards. But I want him!

[justshine1]

In Sept. I was on a dating site. I was talking to someone of extreme interest for a month and decided we would meet and go on a nice date. A few days prior to that I was about to delete my account ( as I thought if this doesn't go well I'll be done with these sites for now) but before I deleted my account a person posted a profile that day ( he was in looks....my type 100% after chatting we had an instant connection. ..I even gave him my number that day and I never do that without other steps first..he called me and we spoke for 5 hrs on the phone..) anyways. I went on the date with the first guy I'll call him J, It was the best first date ever. However I felt it only fair to meet the second guy Z. It was only a coffee date but i felt so strongly connected to him. I was torn because I knew they both didn't know of each other but both did want to only date me. ( I went on 3 dates with both guys and was going to make a decision ) but then J got curious as asked if I was talking to anyone else. Being the honest person I am, I said yes... and he really didn't like it. So he pretty much ended things right there.

 

So , since I actually didn't chose.... I went with Z. We fell fast for each other said the L word and everything i felt like a teenager falling in love for the first time. Until....some very shady things started happening ( long story short. ....he was chasing his ex the whole time, lied to me about everything and my world got flipped upside down fast) it ended with Z the end of November. So very hot and heavy fast. I was Very upset but I couldn't help but mostly be upset by the fact that I didn't get the chance to chose and had, I had the one more week to sit on it I would of chosen J for sure. He was perfect in ever way....on paper and in person. Z on the other hand had not much going for him and clearly was not nearly the man my love eyes had thought.

 

Anyways, I reached back out to J right after it ended with Z ...and it turns out only a week before he had met someone. I was completely upset by that but happy for him also. However it was hard not to flirt or try and message him to be friends.

 

Well Dec comes and goes....it was a tough month my Grandpa passed away at Christmas and all that rejection and mixed feelings. But I finally felt at peace with all that had happened. Went back online and came across ( a guy who happened to be my old neighbor) I think at one point everyone has had the hots for their sexy neighbour. ...well it turns out we both thought that of each other. Met and hit it off great. Jan first. Well....a week later.....J reaches out to me. He's ending things with his gf it wasn't going the best....but they did love each other ( so he had the hot and steamy fast thing with her and it was very great but ended because they lived to far apart ) anyways. ..I told him it was crappy timing because I just met someone. And at this point I thought my neighbor guy was great...I had for years fantasized about him so I thought I should give him a chance. But J kept trying to pursue me.

 

J had always been the guy I wanted. And I was torn again what do I do.... I hung out with J a couple times while seeing this neighbor and we ended up kissing a few times. He had said I should leave the neighbor and be with him....as it turns out this neighbor guy wasn't Turing out to be as good as my fantasy or how I thought at the beginning. J got frustrated and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. Said he had enough friends. At that time I decided things weren't going well with the neighbour and ended it Feb 13th.

 

Well..... I told J and he invited me over for dinner on Vday. ( the day after) we've made plans to hang out again on this coming Monday. However.....now he's not as flirty. And things seem different. I think in his head..... I chose 2 men over him. And he knows that this last guy was no good. Yesterday we had a conversation I told him I do want to try for us like he was always saying he wanted. But he says he doesn't think I'm ready and now is questioning my standards since i didn't leave the

Neighbor soon enough. As I wasn't being treated right. So he doesn't know why I gave him a chance of 6 weeks of dating.

I understand where he's coming from. As J is a very classy older man with high standards. I feel very blessed that he's even interested in me. But in my defence I didn't think the neighbor was no good until the end. ( I'm the type that finds it a bit hard to end things even when they are bad. Because I hope for the best in everyone) so J thinks now I will put up with bs and am indecisive.

 

I don't want him to think this. ...and I'm not sure what I can tell him to show that I mean business about him. J is that one that got away...the perfect gentleman that I deserve and want a chance with!!! I know I'm my heart I would never me up a chance with him again.

 

But at this point I will not beg for anything from anyone. I want him to want me because he does.

 

I told him I see a prospect future with him, that I care about him and want the chance to be with him. He says the same but also says he's got a lot on his plate atm.

 

It seems like time has never been on our side. Yet now is our chance since we are both single. He said with the last girl....he only dated her for 6 weeks but they were crazy about each other. ...that now he's in no rush and just wants to go with the flow. I hate to think I lost out on our chance for something real. As before I knew he was wanting it.

 

What can I say or do , to come back from this?! He's really important to me!

[Wiseman2]

The best thing is not to talk about one guy you dated or are dating to another. TMI. Show more interest in whoever is right in front of you. It's ok to not be exclusive and multidate until you decide on someone.

[ParisPaulette]

Did "J" tell you he thought less of you for dating some other guy or did you surmise that on your own and you just think that's what he thinks.

 

FYI it's actually none of "J"s business who you dated or if you even had it on with half the Eastern Seaboard. If he's not happy you're dating him now and he's judging you like that, dump him. 'Cause trust me, if that's the case, he is every bit as toxic as "Z" was.

 

Not to mention controlling and already having a go at your self-esteem IF that's what he told you. When you're just dating you don't owe anyone anything in the beginning, but to show up for dates and get to know them and vice versa. When you're exclusive, if you were then seeing someone being J's back, well yeah he has a right to be upset.

 

But you went on one date then dated some other guy. That means he has zero right to judge you on anything - say that out loud until you get it ZERO = RIGHTS. ZERO.

[randomer2000]

Definitely seems like you might have pushed him a bit my mentioning these 2 other guys some of the times.

 

I think its time you come clean and be honest and tell him there is nothing shady going on, and that you want him and you're giving him your everything.

[SooSad33]

Wow- so much so fast for everyone! ( Not sure your age....?)

And wt heck is with this 'love' stuff all over the place?? There's been no love involved in these short term relations.

 

I feel J is a bit unsure.. as are you, with how things have gone up til now. Some insecurities, Im sure.

So- quite possible he's 'hesitant' to really get serious with you....

 

Like you mentioned..how he's questioning some things now? Well... you did a lot of moving around in the last few months.. right? ( J's not available.. okay, I'll try this guy..etc).

 

Dating sites can get messy! Been there... and if you're not careful, can really make you unsure about a lot!

 

Best I can say is let him think on it.. with no pressures. if hes gonna back off, then you'll know soon enough.. then just work on accepting what is.. and work on healing from all of this.

 

Take some down time to tc of YOU.

[SherrySher]

I have the same sentiments as everyone else, things have gotten very messy between you and J and right now it sounds as thought things are being forced. I think you need to take a step back and let it be for now.

[justshine1]

I knowwww

 

I should never had said any hinges to him about the other guys

The problem is...I feel so comfortable and open to share with him and his advice means a lot to me.

[justshine1]

Wow- so much so fast for everyone! ( Not sure your age....?)

And wt heck is with this 'love' stuff all over the place?? There's been no love involved in these short term relations.

 

I feel J is a bit unsure.. as are you, with how things have gone up til now. Some insecurities, Im sure.

So- quite possible he's 'hesitant' to really get serious with you....

 

Like you mentioned..how he's questioning some things now? Well... you did a lot of moving around in the last few months.. right? ( J's not available.. okay, I'll try this guy..etc).

 

Dating sites can get messy! Been there... and if you're not careful, can really make you unsure about a lot!

 

Best I can say is let him think on it.. with no pressures. if hes gonna back off, then you'll know soon enough.. then just work on accepting what is.. and work on healing from all of this.

 

Take some down time to tc of YOU.

 

He said he questions my standards now.

He also said he worries.....since while I was dating p I was talking and seeing him a bit and we kisses..... he says he worries I'd do that with someone else when dating him. So he said he needs time to get my trust back. But I've never ever lied to him and wouldn't. However he said with holding information is also lying.

 

Also another big mistake. I'm not a cheater....I was never really official with p and J has always been the guy I'm so drawn To. And to be fair he kissed me. It was hard to hold back.

 

I just feel like had I left and dropped p right away. ....would J have thought I'd do that to him had someone better came along. But then I did stuff with J while with p. So it's like a lose lose situation.

 

I'm suck. I was J to want me like how he did 2 weeks ago....before he took a break from talking to me. And I made the decision and ended things with p.

[justshine1]

I have the same sentiments as everyone else, things have gotten very messy between you and J and right now it sounds as thought things are being forced. I think you need to take a step back and let it be for now.

 

Yeah your right. And I'm trying to. But it's hard when it's all I want is him. And how things used to be.

 

I feel so foolish for ever letting him slip away in the first place.

[Sportster2005]

If he was a classy older man, he wouldn't have had a tantrum when you said you were talking with someone else.

 

It all sounds too dramatic to me. I think you need a break, and need to ponder the meaning of infatuation vs attraction and love.

[Sportster2005]

Yeah your right. And I'm trying to. But it's hard when it's all I want is him. And how things used to be.

 

I feel so foolish for ever letting him slip away in the first place.

 

You didn't let him slip away, you never had him. And if you get him, it will tun out like your other infatuations. Slow down and breath.

[justshine1]

I did see J last night....omgg it was embarrassing the start of the night but then it ended pretty good. I'll tell you about it. ... so I suggested I buy us food to make for dinner as he's usually always the one to do so. So we went to the grocery store I got us steaks and salad. When he got to his house he said I should actually bbq the steaks while he showers since I was doing dinner this night.... ( I like maybe twice in my life used a bbq) so I was nervous but he explained exactly how to do it. He turned it on ( it's in his garage. ) so he says this is the button to open the garage if it gets smokey....try not to burn the house down. He also said it takes about 5 mins to heat up. So I went inside prepped the salad used the washroom then went out into the garage (while he's showering). Well the second I opened the door.....the whole garage was filled with thick smoke so bad I could hardly see....I ran to open the garage door, tried to get as much smoke out as possible the whole bbq was on fire inside....I also worried as it wasn't going out and the temp was over the chart. so I tried blowing out the massive fire and I turned off the whole bbq as I was in panic mode.. I then went back into the house.... he was coming down stairs and I told him what happened ( I'm sure since he told me how to open the garage that this must have happened before. But to him I think I looked like the biggest idiot I was so embarrassed. He laughed at me and said I'm a bbq ammature or something along those lines. I felt like major blond moment....but it's really not my fault. I did everything he said.

But after he said I shouldn't have turned it off . Haha anyways he made the steak on the bbq we had a nice dinner. During dinner he said this was fun and nice...I said yes it is , it would be even more better if he put his glasses on for me ( he wears them but never once in front of me yet as he's embarrassed. ..but I always ask as I love a man in glasses) he said well your here having a nice dinner with me in a romantic setting I don't do this with just anyone so you should try and be more happy. ( which I'm always happy I think but iv noticed hes started to make weird comments like that on the little things) and then we talked some more. I said well we should go to sushi sometime. ( he said maybe) (Maybe being the word he hates more then anything and always gives me for saying ....as it's too young and indecisive ) so then I commented on that he says o yes now I'm being hypercritical sorry. I then said ,see this is why you confuse me sometimes ( you need try on not being so confused sometimes "he says🤔- another one of those weird comments I mentioned that's he's started doing.)

 

Then we layed on the couch to cuddle and make out pretty much. And got touchy again. We before made a random bet and I lost. ... so I had to take off my shirt for him... was my losing bet deal. So I did that. He kept saying he wanted sex with me bad. But I didn't cave in. However he took off his pants. He touched me down there until climax . So I figured I'd better make him do the same ofcourse yeah.... so I went down on him. It took forever haha at one point I stopped and made out a bit. .. he said are you tired??? I thought you young ppl could go for long at everything. I said NO.....I CAN. I'm not done lol .... and made him climax hard which was hot as hell. ( i think iv mentioned before that hes 10 years older Than me) After we cleaned up. He made us tea. And it was getting late so he drove me home.

 

During the car ride home....we talked a bit about our original plans to go to the casino Thursday (as I won a gift card for a restaurant there and thought we could go for a drink and gamble a bit...even tho he's said he's not a gambler.) Also....he's booked him self surgery for his eyes soon so he will have to be wearing glasses for a whole week before his next apointment which means he would be having to wear them at the casino in public. ...when he has yet to even do that for me. So he said he'll have to now get back bto me on if Thursday is a go or not.

 

Also I had asked him exact dates for his surgery. I thought about it...and thought it would be very thoughtful and sweet to ofter to drive him and assist him on those days as well as take time off work to help him. He said his mom was going to help and take care of him but thnx for the ofter**(before had I said that he would have said o wow your such a sweet girl ext ) but now u see he's been very short and weird with comments

 

Also in the car. I said.. so I did really wanna have sex with you but I'd like for us to be dating before that happens. He said... yeah well like iv said let's take it slow and see where it goes. ..if in the future it makes sense to date then we will if not then we won't. I'm really happy with life right now. But I think waiting is fair. "

 

Again... it confuses me. I want to be with this man so bad. I can't remember feeling this genuinely smitten with someone. But I feel like I open up...and his comments are less. Or even a bit awkward. He used to call me at lunch....he doesn't anymore since he took the break from talking to me Feb 1st-13th he before that date

...would say he misses me. And such. Now he doesn't. I said last night...I missed u it's been 2 weeks. He says yeah it's been a while eh. Lol

 

I think last night....twice I said ...*wow I like you so much** he said nothing in response to it.

His texting is even way less..

And in the past...I mentioned how the guy P took hrs to reply...and he said he would be annoyed to and that it's not acceptable. However ...now he's doing that to me.

 

I don't know if I should withdraw completely. ... (only let him text me ..then I respond. And only let him make plans with me...and me be less physical when seeing him and also not talk about feelings at all? ) but if I withdraw like that....I may lose interest a bit which is a worry. Because pulling back is a lot of effort....but then again so is putting yourself out there to get shut down.

Or

I can keep doing what I'm doing...but talk less feelings stuff ....give it a certain amount of time. ..like a month and see from then where it goes?

 

What I really want is just that fair chance, to be with him.

..have him how he used to be....sweet open and pursuing me. and us get to a great stage and date officially.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry eew. Dates do not want to advise you on other guys. Nothing says friendzone more than that. Talk to your girlfriends about guys you are dating..

The problem is...I feel so comfortable and open to share with him and his advice means a lot to me.

[ButterflyWrists]

It sounds like all he's interested in with you is a friend with benefits. You need some time in between relationships, look at why you allow yourself to lose yourself into these relationships (saying the L word etc) your life seems to be revolving around dating. 3 guys in how many months? You need some you time.

[justshine1]

Well it's been 3 if your includin this guy J .

 

Since Sept. In 7 months....that's not that bad now.

 

But I get what your saying