Is there still a chance after our breakup if we continue to date?

[s10sleeper]

My girlfriend broke up with me 3 weeks ago, it was an actual situation where it wasn't me, actually was her. We had met when she was 3 months into her divorce from a 20 year marriage, we lasted 6 months without any kind of fight at all, we were always able to come to a compromise on any disagreement.

 

She has had a lot going on recently, being a mother of 4 handling them by herself, her daycare having inspection coming up, and trying to settle assets on her divorce or go to court. Add to that, I started back in college in January. Plus we live an hour apart. Add to that, 2 of her kids started extracurricular activities.

 

With everything going on, I was getting ready to have a talk about slowing things down temporarily until things got easier for ourselves. Before I could, she told me she couldn't do it, that she needed time to fix herself after the years of emotional abuse. I told her I'd give her some space so that we could both think about things, then get together to talk.

 

We used to text all day then phone at night, but the next day, I left her alone, the day after that she texted me to see how I was, we had a short conversation over text, I was giving her space, so not keeping it going. We continued to have brief conversations most days for the next couple weeks.

 

We went to dinner a week ago and to talk. She was crying very hard, saying she cares a lot about me and started seeing a therapist, but can't be in a relationship until she fixes things. I suggested that we go back to dating for now, going out when we have the chance, not staying overnight once or twice a week and talking on the phone every night like we used to. That we focus on ourselves for now. She told me that she thought so too, she knew in her head I was right for her, but that she needed to fix her heart to continue with a relationship. Said she was scared that she may never be able to fix that and didn't want to lead me on and break my heart. What really got to me was how much she was crying. She never cries, I've seen tears but never crying.

 

After our talk, our texting conversations increased again, lasting throughout the day. I have tried not to say much about our relationship or anything emotional since, but some things come up once in awhile, but I get away from the subject.

 

I've never been in a situation like this in my 37 years of my life, so have no idea if there is much of a chance of things working again and if it may be right to stay in touch and go on dates again. The whole no contact thing I don't actually believe in when you reach the age you are serious about your relationship

[gebaird]

Going through a divorce is tough enough, but the fact that it was an emotionally abusive relationship makes it even harder. It sounds like she was using you as a bit of an emotional crutch, though perhaps that wasn't a conscious choice on her part. The "falling in love" feeling is amazing and therapeutic, but after 6 months reality can hit hard.

 

You seem like a good and caring person who really wants what's best for her. Continuing to invest in this relationship on any level is going to require a lot of patience and emotional strength, and there's no guarantee the results you want will be achieved. Just make sure your own needs are being met and don't stay because she needs a friend/enabler. If it gets to the point where you realize this isn't going to work, go no contact -- not as a manipulative move, but as a way to help yourself heal.

[mcolli]

but can't be in a relationship until she fixes things.

 

This is pretty important. Respect her boundaries, but tell her you're still there for her. It'll turn out to be the best for both of you because there's no pressure on her part and no expectations on yours

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Unfortunately she's not ready to date no less embark on a relationship. 4 kids, abusive relationship still married. Lots of red flags.

 

It does sound like a whirlwind too much, too soon rebound including "We used to text all day then phone at night".

 

Let her pursue therapy and heal. She can't handle casual dating and sex either. She gracefully and honestly ended it for all the right reasons, accept it for her and your own sake.

 

Lay back and give her lots and lots of space. Try not to inject your own needs into this or become clingy or burdensome.

We had met when she was 3 months into her divorce from a 20 year marriage, we lasted 6 months. started seeing a therapist, but can't be in a relationship until she fixes things. I suggested that we go back to dating for now.

[s10sleeper]

The divorce part technically has been done for the past 3 months, it was bifurcated, right now is the settling of assets. I know that's been a big cause of stress to her, coming up with a settlement proposal, if he doesn't accept it it goes to court in a couple weeks.

 

Texting all day, yes I'm sure it was a lot, but it wasn't every 5 minutes, it was when we'd have the chance to respond. The phone conversations were for 15-30 minutes, unless either of us had something going on or tired and wanted to go to bed. I do agree, it was too fast. Honestly though, I had no plans of anything like living together in the near future.

 

As far as dating and sex, we have not been sleeping together since the breakup. Going out on dates, she is well aware of my intentions, but no, not being clingy, definitely not burdensome, we are still in touch through text, no phone calls, have gone out to dinner the one night and haven't even yet tried to make plans for the next time.

 

I am supportive of her going through therapy, and she knows I will give her the time.

[SooSad33]

You are so much further ahead of her as in availability for a relationship.

 

She is freshly out of a long term relation and has NOT had any time to process and deal with it.

 

She said she can't do it? Believe her! Don't pressure her into doing this n that.. going out occasionally.. not spend the night.. etc, etc.

 

Point needs to be taken.. She can NOT do it.

Meaning she has NOTHING to give you at this time of her life. She NEEDS some serious down time to work on accepting what is.. to heal.. and learn how to deal with life as a single mother, etc.

 

If she is not on the same path as you are, then YOU have to accept this.

 

What you may have been is a Rebound.... someone who was there for her as she worked on her BU and being her emotional pillow.

By sounds of it, either way, this wasn't going to work out in the end.

 

You need someone in your life who's on the same path and who is as 'able' to give as you are... after you get over this.

 

Take a bit and work on yourself, after this experience, then consider trying again, with someone who is NOT freshly out of a long term relationship/ marriage.

[ShatteredMan]

Run from this situation. It is a disaster coming that you don't need in your life.

 

I also suspect that you're her rebound.

[s10sleeper]

You are so much further ahead of her as in availability for a relationship.

 

She is freshly out of a long term relation and has NOT had any time to process and deal with it.

 

She said she can't do it? Believe her! Don't pressure her into doing this n that.. going out occasionally.. not spend the night.. etc, etc.

 

Point needs to be taken.. She can NOT do it.

Meaning she has NOTHING to give you at this time of her life. She NEEDS some serious down time to work on accepting what is.. to heal.. and learn how to deal with life as a single mother, etc.

 

If she is not on the same path as you are, then YOU have to accept this.

 

What you may have been is a Rebound.... someone who was there for her as she worked on her BU and being her emotional pillow.

By sounds of it, either way, this wasn't going to work out in the end.

 

You need someone in your life who's on the same path and who is as 'able' to give as you are... after you get over this.

 

Take a bit and work on yourself, after this experience, then consider trying again, with someone who is NOT freshly out of a long term relationship/ marriage.

 

She is actually over her ex, she has been for years, when she filed for divorce the first time. the only thing she cared about with him was that she doesn't want him out of the kids life because he's their father. She got back with him because she thought she had to for the kids, she no longer loved him. She filed again when she realized not only did she not love him anymore, but that it also was for the better of the kids.

 

I have no intentions of spending the night together, and as for getting together to go out, made it clear to her that it was not to pressure her into anything, I already have to go to the city she lives in once a week, my father lives there, and most of my friends too, so I explained that it's not hard for me to make the plans in advance, I get my things done, then we spend a couple hours or so together and enjoy ourselves.

 

Another thing that is hard to get over is the bond that formed between her youngest daughter and I. The father never has much to do with her. Her entire family loves me. I have not nor will not get them involved in any of the breakup.

 

Working on myself is very easy for me to do, I'm continuing with my plans of finishing school, plus spending time with my friends and my father. the reason I am able to give things a chance is because I'm putting my focus on those things, knowing that regardless of what happens, whether I provide for just myself or for others, I need to get my career on track. With that and my job, I won't have time to be going out to meet women and try to build a new relationship. This is why the thought is in my mind that the time apart may be right.

 

I have also realized I did something wrong too, I've been used to being alone for years, not getting out at all, and she needs to see her friends too. I don't think she understood that when I was up there, I still had no problem if she wanted to go out with her friends for the evening, I could go see my friends or father.