Is my ex stringing me along?

[BevGB]

My ex broke up with me in October and I really want him back. He told me he was emotionally unavailable. We had four amazing months followed by 5 or 6 months of him pulling away and never really talking to me about what was wrong until he officially broke up with me.

 

I agreed to try and be friends and it's been torture on me. We work together which just makes everything harder. I've gone a little crazy a few times trying to get him t talk to me about if he ever thinks he would want to try again with me and his answer is always "I don't think we work but I don't know what's going to happen in the future but I will need time and space." While I understand the time and space and I don't understand why he can't tell me if getting back together is even something he may consider even if he can't guarantee it. Lately he's also made me feel like a burden to him. He's never said it to me directly but I can tell by the way he acts and talks to me. Because of that a few days ago I texted him and told him I felt like I had made a lot of mistakes (talking too much about the relationship) and I would let him be. He has reached out to me once since then but it was just the standard hey what's up kind of conversation.

 

Being just friends with him is really getting to me. I hate having to hold back my feelings and I hate that I have to pretend like none of this bothers me. I really tried but I don't know how much more I can take before I completely crack. I'm already a complete mess as it is.

 

The store we work at together is closing in about a month and I think my ex will just stop talking to me completely when that happens. I feel like right now he may just be stringing me along until the store closes or maybe he's just stringing me along in general.

 

I don't know what to do anymore. I have no problems giving it time and space but I don't want to be strung along either. If he is never going to try again with me then I'd rather just cut ties. I just can't seem to get a straight answer from him. And while I understand he cant look into the future I wish he would give me more to go on. I haven't slept good or all at in days and I haven't eaten in the past day or two. I just need some relief to help me right now.

[Andrina]

I'm not understanding why you magically think he will want to get back together with you, when he let you go so easily. When someone is crazy about you, they will put in every effort possible to make sure you stay in their life. You took a risk dating someone and it didn't pan out. MOVE ON.

 

He probably didn't want it to be so weird at work, so he was friendly. You can't be friends with someone you want more with. It keeps hope alive and it prevents closure. The friendship isn't meant to last anyway. When he gets a new gf, do you really think she would accept him communicating with an ex who still pines for him?

 

It's good you two won't be working together anymore after a month. Until then, I'd be proactive now. I'd tell him, "I'm moving on for my own good. It's best if I treat you like any other co-worker. We can say hi in passing, but lets delete each others numbers."

 

It's hard to want someone so badly who isn't invested in you. When you finally meet "the one," you will then say, "Oh, so this is what love really is. Glad I didn't settle."

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. Go no contact outside of being polite at work. Avoid him. Do not pester him at work about getting back together.

 

Block and delete him from All messaging and social media. Do Not Be Friends, it's nonsense, he dumped you.

 

No, he's not stringing you along, you're chasing him after he was clear why he ended it.

 

Unfortunately it sounds like in this brief time of dating a few months you wanted more than he did and became over-invested and over-attached.

He told me he was emotionally unavailable. We had four amazing months followed by 5 or 6 months of him pulling away. I agreed to try and be friends and it's been torture on me. We work together. I've gone a little crazy a few times trying to get him talk to me about if

[BevGB]

I've thought about going full NC as much as I can since we work together but I haven't been able to make myself do it yet. I did promise him I'd take a step back which I did. I didn't tell him that I was also not going to contact him unless he initiated contacted with me first. That was about a week ago and he's only contacted once outside of work.

 

And it's not that I magically think he'll come back. I know it needs time and space which I'm ok with. He's 44 (I'm 36) and other than work he never really leaves the house so the chances of him finding anyone else is slim to none. He's always had a bit of a problem with anger and negativity. Nothing too serious but bad enough to where he's just kinda stuck in life. I actually confronted him about it maybe a week or so ago and at first he was defensive but as the conversation went on he started to take it to heart and I can tell he's been working on it.

 

Before this he told he felt I could be a bit unstable with my emotions especially the ones I have for him. So after we talked I told him I would work on his emotions (taking the step back and letting him come to me like I told him) while he worked on his negativity. He seemed ok with that. I know it won't necessarily bring us back together but it's a step in the right direction or so I thought.

 

I don't know. I'm just confused or maybe I'm just too heartbroken. I don't want to give up on him but if he wants me gone I can do that too. I just need him to tell me one way or the other.

[Wiseman2]

You need to block and delete him from all messaging and social media. No personal contact whatsoever. Stay cordial and nothing more at work.

 

It's been several months and it's time for you to shift focus and get on dating apps and start messaging and meeting men for coffee. Don't become obsessed, let go. It's the only way to heal.

 

Why did he ask you to promise this? I did promise him I'd take a step back which I did.

[BevGB]

He didn't ask. I did that on my own.

 

And I have started dating apps and my friends are looking into some guys for coffee. I'm willing to try but I've made it clear my heart is still with my ex and I'm making no promises to anyone.

[Wiseman2]

Oh my. Why sabotage your own happiness with this "keep out" disclaimer?

 

Stop obsessing about him, it's not healthy.

And I have started dating apps and my friends are looking into some guys for coffee. I'm willing to try but I've made it clear my heart is still with my ex and I'm making no promises to anyone.

[BevGB]

its not though. I'm just trying to be honest because I don't want to string anyone along or give them the wrong impression. I'm willing to try but if it doesn't work out for me then I'm not going to do it.

[Wiseman2]

Ok then maybe being a single cat lady forever with a shrine to him on your mantle is a better idea than dating?

I'm willing to try but if it doesn't work out for me then I'm not going to do it.

]

[BevGB]

Ok well we're done here. Thanks for nothing.

 

EDIT: how is it ok for him to possibly string me along and play games with me and try to keep around as an ego boost knowing how I feel about him ok but if I say I'm not willing to date because I'm not ready not ok and make me a cat lady? That's really rude! Seriously if you're not going to help just leave

[Wiseman2]

No harm intended, sorry the humor didn't come through correctly. Just saying, try to move forward and not let him run your life anymore.

how is it ok for him to possibly string me along and play games with me and try to keep around as an ego boost knowing how I feel about him ok

[BevGB]

Please keep the jokes to yourself. This has been a huge struggle for me. I'm in complete misery. I find none of this funny.

[SooSad33]

Being just friends with him is really getting to me

- Then you can't be.. friends. Not while feelings are still involved.

 

He has tried, numerous times, by looks of things, to tell you that he can't do this with you.....

From being 'emotionally unavailable', to needing time & space. Then YOU have to RESPECT him and do this.

 

Back off.. and go No Contact. You need to work on YOU now. Work on accepting it's done.. and healing.

 

You're a mess because you are letting yourself be dragged on and down you'll go. Stop it all now!

 

maybe if you re-read all you've said here, you'll see the points made.

 

Find a man in your life who DOES want you around. Don't 'chase' anymore.

Heal from this... a few months down time.. and move on.

[catfeeder]

Is my ex stringing me along?

 

Key word in this question is 'ex,' which means you're stringing yourself along.

[Knight2001]

hi i thiink it's time for you to move on. he's an ex. it didnt work first time and it wont work second time. give the dating apps and the coffee guys a chance. you might meet someone good.

[No1]

Letting go of an X, one that you work with is especially hard. Let me try to shed light from another side. The more he sees you, the more he can emotionally detach from you. You might be thinking that by being his "Friend", he can see how wonderful you two are together and maybe he might want to be with you but I dont think that is the case. He is using you being a 'friend' because he has already sees you as one.

If you want someone to miss you, they have to see a life without you, not you being so available to him. Being friends with him is just not making you happy so dont be his friend.

 

So how do you handle things at work? Just be you without worrying about what he is doing. Dont go out of your way to avoid, or think about what you would say, just be you. Be polite, but dont start a conversation. Stay busy..

 

Accept that it is over between you two and know that you will be happy again.

[BevGB]

Sorry to bump an old thread but I have some updates.

 

A few days before our store closed I went to my ex and told him that after the store was closed we shouldn't speak to each other ever again. He was unhappy and fought me a bit but reluctantly gave in. The day we closed the store for good he hugged me and said he'd be in touch very soon. Sure enough the next day he contacted me and we talked about our relationship. I told him again how I felt and I wanted another chance. He said he'd been thinking about me and us a lot and that me not being in his life was no good.

 

We spent the next couple of days flirting and talking and genuinely having a good time. But I was confused. I'm still sure he doesn't want a relationship with me but then why spend all this time flirting with me when he knows how I feel and how it could be misleading. So this morning I told him that while it's been fun it hurts me since it feels like we're dating again but we're not. I told him it was hard to just talk casually with him when I can't say the things I really want to say since we're just friends. I even told him it was ok for now but at some point we were going to have to figure this out. He said he liked how we were now. That he felt no pressure and how he loved flirting with me and thinking of me. I told him that was fine but I couldn't have the same thoughts about him without it hurting. I even told him he was getting all the benefits of being with me without the commitment and he said I was calling him a selfish . I assured him that I wasn't but that I wanted him to see my point of view and how at anytime he could go off with another girl and say we were just friends anyway. He said he would think about it. At that point I said I thought it was best we took the rest of the day away from each other to think about things and start fresh tomorrow and he agreed.

 

While I kind of feel bad about it I'm glad I spoke up but now I don't know what to say to him tomorrow. I'm sure he'll think about what I said but I'm not sure how he'll react. It seems sometimes like he wants to try and then not other times. I've told him I'm willing to give it time and space if that's what we need to do. He says love is a risk and I told him I felt like he was worth the risk. I really want to try again with him and now that we no longer work together maybe we have a better chance? I'm just not sure how to handle this now.

[JaggerJim]

He's only looking for casual and in not so many words has told you this. If you can't go with the flow, it's best you end it now. He knows how much you like him, but he's still got you at arms length.

[BevGB]

But what if this is kind of our way of finding our way back to each other? I don't want to screw up my chance with him.

[JaggerJim]

But you've told him how you feel and what you would like, and he isn't reciprocating. He's blowing his chance with you.

[KMO7970]

The thing is, he said he likes how things are with you now, and that he doesn't feel any pressure. I'm thinking this means he won't be changing any time soon. It's not necessarily "impossible" but don't hold your breath, or you may find that a lot of time has passed and you and he haven't progressed. Look out for yourself first and foremost! If you aren't happy with the arrangement, you will start to build resentment.

[No1]

If he wanted you, then there is nothing to think about. Nothing to say lets "go slow, one day at a time, take our time" If he wanted to be with you, you two would be dating.

So let me put it to you as I would tell a child

 

He doesn't want to be with you.

[Cleardecisions]

OP,

 

The only advice I can give you is keep looking. I'm not encouraging rebounds, but there are plenty of great guys out there that are 100x better than this game playing chump.

 

You like him A LOT more than he likes you. Its painfully obvious. As guys we love attention. We will keep a girl at the perfect distance and say just the right things to keep you at that ideal distance. Girls can be just as harsh, trust me.

 

I don't want to sound harsh, but you haven't learned anything in this past month and a half. As soon as he thought you were strong enough to call a spade a spade and end his stringing you along, he shortened the string just enough to give you a taste of what you wanted. But a month and a half later, his feelings for you haven't changed one bit.

 

In a weird way, he's actually being honest with you. He likes you right where you are at. Not too close but never too far.

 

This guy honestly seems like a manipulative A-hole. What a toxic undeserving douche.

 

You seem like you have a lot to offer, so why don't you find a guy out there who will truly appreciate it. There are millions of guys looking for a girl they can be open with. You are going to break a few eggs before you find the right one. But you definitely don't need to settle for this moron.

 

I also don't see how you NOT working together will improve the possibility of yall becoming a couple again. If anything, this is your chance to start separating yourself from him since you won't have to keep up a working amicable relationship.

 

You need to go NC immediately. I will let you in on a little secret. Sometimes we don't start things like NC with the the right intentions. You do it to try and prove something to your ex that you don't need him as much as he assumes or as much as you have let on or you can be happy without him, etc.

 

You haven't given the impression to this point you are going to be able to go NC for the right reasons (to improve yourself). So do it for the wrong reasons. Its going to hurt. You are going to doubt it 50 times a day if this is the right move. Some days will be better than others.

 

But I promise you, while you may not have gone NC for it true healing affect, it will heal you regardless. What started as an attempt to make him realize what he's missing may actually be the best thing that ever happened for you personally. You will shift to actually improving yourself if you can maintain strength and remain NC. Sooner or later a great guy will come into your life. He will completely change your perceptions of yourself and show you how truly undeserving this last guy was.

 

Give it a shot and you will surprise yourself.

 

Good luck.

[BevGB]

I understand everything you guys are saying but I have more updates.

 

We talked and although we haven't officially titled it we're kinda back together? I'm too scared to say it's official or put any title on it but he's been great. Just like when we first got together. And it feels amazing to be with him like this again but I agree that he might just be keeping me where he wants me which is why I'm scared. I really want to believe that all is well and that this is a step in the right direction but in the back of my mind I'm worried.

 

So now I'm really lost. Do I continue the way they are knowing I could be getting played but trying to trust anyway? Or do I walk away and maybe lose something real? The other night he said he was attracted to me and had feelings for me and he's acting like he does so far but I know it could be a game. My eyes are wide open this time. Just not sure I want to pass up this chance if he's truly being real with me.

[boltnrun]

Did he say "I want to get back together "?