Co-worker Relationships Turned Sour

[sandee07]

Hi everyone, hoping i can get some guidance here. I have been with my company for almost 3 years now. A few girls and i started around the same time and immediately formed this indescribable bond. we did everything together- happy hour multiple times a week, hang out on the weekends, attend concerts together, travel, etc. for some reason now, i am the only one excluded from everything. it's like one day i woke up and everything turned upside down.

 

for additional context, there is this other girl on our team who seems to have an issue with me. I have done nothing to her yet she just doesn't seem to care for me. i dont dislike her or have any issue with her, we just never really bonded. anywho, most of the girls i hung out with are "close" with her. i feel like because of her issue with me, whatever that may be, the other girls ignore me now because of her.

 

I am feel like something has been said about me and i cannot stand being in the office anymore. a place i once enjoyed now loathe it. i approached one of the girls asking if i did something wrong or if something has been said about me and she said no. i explained my situation how things have changed out of no where and it's making me feel uncomfortable knowing things are being said behind my back.

 

I barely even say hello to these girls anymore. 4 girls i used to spend all of my time with now barely even acknowledge. i once used to love my job and coworkers, but now i cannot stand it anymore. i do not want to tell my boss what i am going through because it's only going to sound petty. although, it is not ok for these girls to deliberately exclude me and treat me like an outcast now. it is not ok that they are running their mouthes about me. i have done nothing wrong and wouldn't be stressing about this situation if i knew what the cause is.

 

Any insight into how i should deal with this situation? Has anyone else dealt with the same situation before? Is is worth bring up to my boss? Should i quit?

[vanity]

okay. heres the thing!

dont let them see you feeling down about it, dont ask questions about it.

you was never suppose to make friends in the first place because your job is a place of business and you cant mix business with friendship,

HELL NO you shouldnt quit yo job, you would be silly to do so. i know you just want an explanation but sometimes you have to shake it off and say a and be about your business !!

dont mention anything to the boss at all. come up in there like you dont even remember meeting them, the more you ignore, the more theyll wonder why dont you give a anymore. be nice but not over the top nice!

[junebug123]

I think the real issue is that these women were your friends and now you feel an emptiness with their lack of affection towards you.

 

You can make new friends and form new bonds. The other poster is correct, work is work. It's sometimes hard when the two mix but I try to keep them seperate. Personally, I don't want to mix my personal life with my professional one.

[catfeeder]

we did everything together- happy hour multiple times a week, hang out on the weekends, attend concerts together, travel, etc.

 

This is the kind of sorority stuff that doesn't mix well with any job you intend to keep. It brings a school-age 'mean girl' mentality into the workplace, and as you've noticed, it tends to backfire on someone--or everyone--eventually.

 

I'd skip that and forget about controlling who speaks about you. That's not possible, so I'd also quit spinning your imagination about it. I'd develop a convenient case of amnesia and be as kind to any one of these people as I would to a stranger whenever we need to conduct business. If you're able to transfer to another department, all the better, but I wouldn't raise this as your reason.

 

Make other 'work' friends for lunches or exercise, but don't speak badly of ANYone, and don't turn any work relationships into social ones. An occasional group outing to celebrate someone's promotion, retirement or whatever is fine, but treat it like a business function, and ALWAYS conduct yourself like a professional who's on the job. You'll thank yourself later.

 

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

Separate work and social life. You should also have friends outside of work from other areas of life such as groups, clubs, classmates, old friends, former colleagues, volunteering, etc. Don't get into catty cliques in the first place.

 

Be polite and professional at work and continue to fill your social calendar with a variety of people from various areas in your life.

 

Yikes, this would be way too inbred/suffocating for me.

immediately formed this indescribable bond. we did everything together- happy hour multiple times a week, hang out on the weekends, attend concerts together, travel, etc.

[Batya33]

I have made many close friends through work and met my husband at work. It can be done -it requires diplomacy and being vigilant and being very sensitive to boundaries. It means you can't always joke around with work friends the way you might with personal friends. Also it's the captive audience issue -if you work in an office your coworkers know they have to see you every day and interact so be careful to give them plenty of space so they don't feel crowded. Who knows why this woman dislikes you -she is entitled as long as she treats you professionally.

 

I am at a newish job. In the office next door is a woman who it's obvious I have a lot in common with. But from the beginning she's basically given me the cold shoulder. And I let her. I let her take the lead. I don't work with her at all, just share office space. She will never know that I experience a cold shoulder from her, ever. I will always be polite, professional, etc. My sense is she wants to do her work and go home to her family ASAP. And that's cool. Then I have a coworker -who was chatty with me from the beginning -we started around the same time and have similar roles. But I realize I need to be careful because she will make certain comments that suggest she is comparing herself unfavorably to me (professionally) or trying to keep tabs on how often I'm in the office when it's none of her business. So, I keep my distance even though if we just knew each other socially I wouldn't be concerned.

 

Having said that I have several close friends, and a loving husband - I met through work. It's worth it.

[SooSad33]

Co-worker Relationships Turned Sour

- This is why it is so often repeated on here.. to NOT mix business with pleasure.

 

Now-- you're stuck within these challenges at your work place.. ugh

 

You went too far.. not just 'casual' interactions with this gal.. and now that has died down.

 

Best to respectfully keep your distance and just focus on your WORK.. as that is what you're there for.

 

And remember.. we can't please everyone.. so accept that fact. We carry on.

 

If you feel to out of sorts there now.. might be an idea to look for new job/location?

[Batya33]

Co-worker Relationships Turned Sour

- This is why it is so often repeated on here.. to NOT mix business with pleasure.

 

Now-- you're stuck within these challenges at your work place.. ugh

 

You went too far.. not just 'casual' interactions with this gal.. and now that has died down.

 

Best to respectfully keep your distance and just focus on your WORK.. as that is what you're there for.

 

And remember.. we can't please everyone.. so accept that fact. We carry on.

 

If you feel to out of sorts there now.. might be an idea to look for new job/location?

 

I think it's a big mistake professionally not to make personal friends through work - as I wrote above - with qualifications of course. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater means foregoing lots of future networking and career opportunities - it's harder to maintain the appropriate boundaries but it can be so worth it and it pays you back many times over, personally, professionally, etc. I would not have advanced in my career as I did without the personal friendships and I would not be married to my husband.

[charity]

I agree with Batya, my best friends have been made through work. Every job I have ever been in I have forged close friendships that still last today. To keep a polite distance at work where you are fr 8/9 hours a day seems so..I don't know , fearful. protective?

 

However I have been in one somewhat similar situation. In my current university course there is a group of women who are very close and I have never connected with them. That is fine with me, I recognize we don't have compatible personalities. However they seems to have turned it into an actual 'dislike' thing. And it feels like they have spread their feelings abut me to others in the course. I'm not sure if I am correct about this but it feels that this may have happened. Anyhow...I was bothered about it momentarily, then I simply just carried out with things. I am quite comfortable by myself. I don't need a group and now I honestly view it as their problem rather than mine. I continue to be polite and friendly, alway say hi, ask how coursework is going and they are fake back to me. Then I sit elsewhere. And now they seems to be getting a bit friendlier after months of this. Funny.

[catfeeder]

I think it's a big mistake professionally not to make personal friends through work - as I wrote above - with qualifications of course. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater means foregoing lots of future networking and career opportunities - it's harder to maintain the appropriate boundaries but it can be so worth it and it pays you back many times over, personally, professionally, etc. I would not have advanced in my career as I did without the personal friendships and I would not be married to my husband.

 

It's not that I view personal relationships as a complete taboo, I just think it's smart to avoid taking it there from the gate. Over my 10 years on this job, I've limited my interactions to 'work stuff,' which involves being friendly, enjoying a sense of humor and gaining a win for all involved on projects. Luckily, it also includes yoga, pilates, strength training and wellness courses, and a 3 pm 'walking club' that I formed myself, which ended up sanctioned by HR to count toward a quarterly gift card that pays us for the exercise.

 

That mix is enough with most of these coworkers, although I enjoy each of them individually and as a group. Over t.i.m.e. some of these acquaintances have evolved into more private friendships beyond work, but these have only come about over a long shared history of building trust.

 

Trust is the key element that can't be estimated right away or wished into existence--it needs to be earned.

[JaggerJim]

I think it's a big mistake professionally not to make personal friends through work - as I wrote above - with qualifications of course. Throwing the baby out with the bathwater means foregoing lots of future networking and career opportunities - it's harder to maintain the appropriate boundaries but it can be so worth it and it pays you back many times over, personally, professionally, etc. I would not have advanced in my career as I did without the personal friendships and I would not be married to my husband.

 

Sorry Batya, but not sure how you expect the OP to proceed when these girls at work are clearly catty and won't speak to her.

[Batya33]

Sorry Batya, but not sure how you expect the OP to proceed when these girls at work are clearly catty and won't speak to her.

 

I was writing in general. In her case I think she got too personal and too enmeshed outside of work with these particular women.

[catfeeder]

Sorry Batya, but not sure how you expect the OP to proceed when these girls at work are clearly catty and won't speak to her.

 

I was writing in general. In her case I think she got too personal and too enmeshed outside of work with these particular women.

 

I think Batya is advocating an overall balance between too hot and too cold in the workplace, not for the OP to try ingratiating herself with these girls. I'd consider them a done deal, and I'd treat them each as kindly as any other coworker when our paths cross. Beyond that, I'd leave them alone to cannibalize one another.

 

OP, the next one 'out' will likely try to befriend you to complain about the rest of them. I'd skip that. Let her navigate on her own without gathering dirt on you to try to win back that group. That's messy kid stuff, and I'd leave it behind.

 

Head high.

[Wiseman2]

Great way to put it.

I'd leave them alone to cannibalize one another.

 

]

[Jibralta]

Any insight into how i should deal with this situation? Has anyone else dealt with the same situation before? Is is worth bring up to my boss? Should i quit?

 

Let it go. There's no need to spend any time worrying about it. Focus on your other work relationships, and your career. Your whole life is ahead of you. Don't let a couple of mean-spirited people stand in your way.

[sandee07]

thank you everyone for your replies. I am going to try my best to ignore their petty, childish behavior. although, my biggest fear is that it's going to escalate to our managers/leaders. if whatever was said about me led to other girls treating me poorly too, then who know what else can be said to continue to frame me as a person who stands to be a bad culture fit now. i feel like my job could be on the line... but then again, i guess it would make me happy. just some thoughts that continue to cross my mind. anywho, going to try to keep my head high. i am better than all of them. thanks again. cheers!

[Batya33]

Yes, you make better choices in the workplace than those people because you wouldn't shun someone or gossip, etc. So in that way your choices are "better" - it will work better for you to have that mindset rather than telling yourself you are a better person in general. I'm glad you've come up with a solution and that you're feeling better. I know how hard this kind of situation can be.