Playing the field - When do you stop talking with other people and go exclusive?

[HedgehogParty]

I'm about two months into the dating scene after getting out of a four year relationship. I've matched with a number of women on Tinder and Bumble and have gone out on a few dates, nothing serious. I did however meet a girl a couple of weeks ago and we've gone out a few times. I like her, but I'd still like to see who else is out there. I matched with another girl a few days ago and we agreed to meet up on Monday for a coffee. I'm also going out with the other girl on Sunday. Then the question popped into my head, is this appropriate? I'm a monogamous guy and strongly believe as such, but these online dating apps have really taken off since the last time I was single and it's way too easy to meet multiple people at once. I've never really had "multiple prospects" at one time before, and now that I've seen this one girl a few times I'm confused and am wondering if I should stop talking with other women. Even though we haven't kissed and I haven't even touched her outside of a hug, a part of me feels like I'm cheating. In talking with my sister about it, her response is "keep your options open." My mother, the more traditional type, feels you should be exclusive the second you feel that attraction for each other. I still feel confused. When is it appropriate to stop talking with other people and concentrate on only one? Once you meet someone, should you stop immediately to see where things go? Or, is it appropriate to keep playing the field until you decide to go exclusive? Thanks in advance.

[Lostinlove31]

In my opinion if you want to go exclusive with someone just talk to them and see what they say. If they don't then it is up to you to either continue with them or not.

[Jeffbobo]

You ask a great question. And I think you'll get a lot of different answers. I was with one person for 23 years and honestly never thought about being with anyone else during that time. So I understand where you're coming from being a monogamous guy.

 

I've been on and off single for six years. I really can't tell you how many women I've met and dated offhand. What's seemed to work for me is that I meet someone and decide the first time we meet if I'd like to see them again if I feel there is potential. If not, then I meet someone else. If I feel there is potential, then i usually end up dating them for at least one to three months, sometimes a little longer; the discovery phase. During that time I don't meet anyone else. So for me, it's exclusive during that time frame; enough to focus on and get to know them well enough. With a career, kids and personal goals, I quite honestly don't have the time or capacity to juggle multiple women at the same time nor do I really have the desire to do so.

[KantSleep]

I am thanking my lucky stars my current BF was handed to me by a relative who is friends with him. He was getting out of a marriage and never did the online dating stuff. My gripe with it (I did online dating), is the constant thought that perfection is just a click away... That wasn't my approach, but I saw it first hand with many a guy. As you stated, it's just so easy to find candidates. That said, I do believe that you are doing nothing wrong. You haven't been physical with the Sunday girl, and you owe her nothing at this point. I can only say be careful with this idea that you have to keep looking. You just might let a good one get away. One of my concerns with my BF is he emerged from a long marriage and then I dropped in his lap. He didn't "date around". He did tell me he thought about it, and he questioned whether it was smart to get serious with someone out of the gate. But, he said "you have everything I am looking for, and I didn't want to risk losing you." I am not trying to toot my own horn, (because trust me, I have my flaws) I am just saying that if you see something that looks promising, you may want to spend some time exploring that. But, as I said, at this early juncture, you have every right to continue looking.

[SooSad33]

2 months out of a LTR? Do you think you're really 'ready' to jump into something again?

Are you emotionally and mentally ready to get involved again?

 

As for these 'dating sites'... you really have no clue as to who they are.. right?

 

I've met a few over the yrs.. Never did any 'match' thing.. in order to do so...

 

So- take this with stride is what I suggest. make sure you're not just rebounding here. ( afraid to be alone and getting involved cause it's something you're so used to... yet not over your ex yet... etc).

 

And remember... there's MANY more out there besides these ones.. and don't think you might be their first.

 

Just speaking out of experience, so heads up .

[HedgehogParty]

Thanks for the responses everyone. As far as me being fresh out of a LTR, yes, I am ready. That's a story for a different thread, but basically I was jerked around, cheated on, and put on an emotional roller coaster for multiple years where any praises I was given were rejected and I was made to feel like a useless piece of meat on the side, and I never knew where I stood with her. Looking at it another way, she's been distant from me for so long it feels like we broke up 6 months ago instead of two. After putting up with that for 4 years (and dealing with multiple breakups), good riddance. I'm emotionally done and over it, and I'm actually excited to find someone who respects me and treats me well. The anticipation is a good feeling. I'm not rebounding. Anyways, enough of that.

 

What I'm really trying to figure out here is if it's ethically okay to still be playing the field when I have a strong prospect whom I've seen a few times. Online dating can be addictive because sometimes if feels like you're racking up points rather than finding a good match, and that's not real dating. You swipe, match, strike up a conversation, maybe meet up, then rinse wash repeat. That's the unfortunate side of it, but on the flip side if you really pay attention there are some great people you can meet online. I'd like to meet someone I really hit it off with, and I did hit it off with the girl I've been seeing, but I'm taking things slow and still keeping my options open. This other girl I agreed to meet up with on Monday was the first girl since her, and that's when I took a sudden step back and asked if this is really okay.

 

In the end I think I agree that there's nothing wrong with what I'm doing, but I still need to root through some feelings.

 

Also, I should mention that my ex and I met online through a different dating site, and we dated for 4 years. Also, one of my best friends whom I dated briefly I met online over a decade ago. We're very close. I also have a friend who met his now wife online and they're very happily married. So, success and love definitely happens online. It's just a part of the world we live in today.

[notalady]

It's not about playing the field. Its about why you're doing it.

 

If It's about taking the time to getting to know someone before making a decision on whether you see some serious potential (and therefore decide to date exclusively), because before then, you don't know what's what, so no reason to cut off your other options. Then that's a legitimate reason, no need to feel bad. Also dating others at the same time gives you perspective, so you're not getting tunnel vision. As long as you're not sleeping with them, then it's purely taking the time to get to know them. If you are sleeping with them, then things get complicated, people don't usually like that (ie for the person they are dating to be sleeping with multiple people), not to mention it's a health risk.

 

What you talked though, about it being addictive, racking up points, that points to something else. Your intention for multi dating doesn't seem pure. Maybe you like the ego boost. Maybe you're not ready to get committed to one person again just yet despite you might think you are.

 

Also what you described you went through with your ex, is exactly the reason why you may not be ready to jump into another relationship yet and the reason why people ask you that question. After a long term relationship has ended, even if it was already dead long before you actually broke up, there's bound to be scars and memories (especially bad memories) and bad feelings, that takes time to process and allow to fade away, and to reflect on anything you might have learned from that relationship.

 

Jumping into a new relationship straight away doesn't allow the individual to process those feelings and experiences. And once the initial excitement of dating someone new fades away, people often find those bad feelings and memories start to come back, and they are left confused and don't know what they want and whether there's something wrong with them or their new relationship. It all ends in a mess and everyone waste their time. So...think about that.

[HedgehogParty]

What you talked though, about it being addictive, racking up points, that points to something else. Your intention for multi dating doesn't seem pure. Maybe you like the ego boost. Maybe you're not ready to get committed to one person again just yet despite you might think you are.

 

You make a lot of valid points. Thank you. I'm not really dating for the thrill of it, I really am looking for the right partner. As far as my ex is concerned, there will always be lingering thoughts about this or that, what if I'd done XYZ differently, stuff like that. That's common for all of us I think, and personally it's my belief that you never fully get over any of that stuff, you simply move on with your life. The rebound happens when feelings are raw. I've had lots of time to put things into perspective and detach, not just in the last couple of months. On the surface I understand that I make it sound like it's a fresh breakup, but it's really not. Again, that's a story for a different thread.

 

One thing I'd like to clarify from your quote above, you do indeed get addicted to all that left/right swiping, sending messages, anticipating the response, etc., but that's the nature of apps like Tinder and Bumble. It's a downside if you ask me, and it takes out a lot of the organic vibes of dating. In years past I would use OKCupid which is like any other dating site where you see their profile, get some info about them, send them a message, maybe get to talking. It's more of a conscious effort to chat with and get to know someone and less quick than modern dating apps. That's really what I was trying to explain.

[Krankor]

I think it's fine to "play the field" for a bit. I met my current girlfriend online and didn't immediately take down my profile and stop talking to other women. People online can flake out on you early so it doesn't make sense to put all of your eggs in one basket. However, when I realized that things were going well with her I took down my profile and politely let a couple women I was still talking to know that I had decided to go exclusive with someone else.

 

I think if things are going well with someone you aren't giving him or her a real chance unless you go exclusive and put your focus squarely on that person. Otherwise it's too easy to keep making comparisons and want the best qualities of each person you're seeing.

[J Miracle]

I think multi dating is fine, probably for the best. I believe both men and women have multiple candidates simultaneously in regards to online dating. Every woman I meet online early on I assume there's more than just me.

 

But my intuition has always guided me when and if to bring up exclusivity. there's no rules. I recently deactivated my okc cause I stacked a ton of dates in one week, it stressed me out. I'm fairly new to OLD, i already need a break. So the girl I'm currently seeing is exclusive by circumstance. And she doesn't exactly need to know.

[Wiseman2]

Only have the exclusive talk when you are ready and before sex. After a date or two you may not really know if you want to shut down other options. Also after a 4 yr relationship, enjoy your freedom for a while and don't jump into a rebound.

I've matched with a number of women on Tinder and Bumble and have gone out on a few dates, nothing serious. When is it appropriate to stop talking with other people and concentrate on only one?

[HeartGoesOn]

^

Spot on!

 

My thoughts exactly.

[reinventmyself]

Everyone is different but I can just share what I did.

 

I would meet different people, but if someone strikes my interest I would stop logging on or pull my profile just to give this my attention to see if anything with potential was there. It doesn't mean any more than that.

 

By hiding my profile, I still stay new in a sense. If I was to keep it up there and try to juggle and entertain the idea of talking to or dating others, many pass through your fingers because you are otherwise preoccupied. At some point your profile starts to become stale and you haven't had a real chance to get back to people.

 

I'll go on a couple more dates with the persona and then decide whether to continue getting to know them or put my profile back up.

 

Besides. . multi dating is exhausting. And I can't seem to keep my stories straight